Andy_K Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Just going around posting online "oh my multi daters (in general) are horrible!" is an infantile activity. It's actually a thinly veiled form of sexual jealousy. They've got what you want but can't or don't have--the ability to attract lots of other people. Not just one. Not true. I'm a single-dater. I primarily use online dating to meet people. I'm perfectly capable of dating more than one person at a time, and have done so for a period some years ago. And as we all know, most women can get a lot of dates online with little effort, and yet many of them are arguing against it here, so your desperation/scarcity argument holds little water. Thing is, by multi dating I found I wasn't really making much of an effort to get to know any one person in particular, it took up a lot of my spare time, and I'd end up in the unenviable position of having to tell a perfectly nice girl I didn't want to see her again because I was seeing someone else. I felt like a jerk. Ultimately, I want a great relationship, and I don't want that relationship built on a foundation of lying by omission, being half-interested, or simply settling for the 'best available'. If a girl checks all my boxes, there is no need to look for others. There is no need to try to find an 'upgrade' or be on the hunt for a bigger better deal, because I know what it is I'm looking for, and I know what's important to me. 3
RedRobin Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) Ditto what Andy K said... Edited March 27, 2012 by RedRobin
GoodOnPaper Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 It's easy enough to tell someone you are dating other people, or will at least be open to the opportunity, unless and until you get an exclusive serious commitment. Do you tell all your first dates this? That would seem awkward -- wouldn't it be better to wait until you know each other well enough that you've developed a mutual interest in each other's weekly or daily schedules? Prior to that point, shouldn't you just gauge your date's behavior and actions at face value? If I prefer a "single-dating" style and I sense that the woman I'm starting to date seems distracted or hard to set up dates with or just seems like she's "juggling" me, I would probably just move on to someone else. Anyone who immediately wants to make an exclusive commitment before they have even actually started dating you is probably batsh*t insane, needy, and clingy. I don't recall anyone saying they want a formal commitment from date 1 I see your mind set as wanting to skip the "courtship" phase of a relationship which is ridiculous and will never work. Single daters seem to be so desperate for a relationship that they want to force themselves and the other person into one before either is ready for it. I guess I'm not sure by what you mean by "courtship". Yes, I was way more desperate than I should have been but for me, the initial attraction stage of dating was no fun at all -- why shouldn't I want to get to the relationship part as fast as possible? If I start dating someone with a similar point of view, what's the problem? If it works out, great -- if not, I'll just start over. I imagine that if I could attract numerous women simultaneously, I would consider multi-dating a much more fun approach. But if I meet someone and want to date her, am I supposed to wait on her until I manage to meet 2 or 3 other women who would want to date me? That certainly wouldn't be practical . . .
FitChick Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 People are making this more complicated than it needs to be. 2
RedRobin Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Not true. I'm a single-dater. I primarily use online dating to meet people. I'm perfectly capable of dating more than one person at a time, and have done so for a period some years ago. And as we all know, most women can get a lot of dates online with little effort, and yet many of them are arguing against it here, so your desperation/scarcity argument holds little water. Thing is, by multi dating I found I wasn't really making much of an effort to get to know any one person in particular, it took up a lot of my spare time, and I'd end up in the unenviable position of having to tell a perfectly nice girl I didn't want to see her again because I was seeing someone else. I felt like a jerk. Ultimately, I want a great relationship, and I don't want that relationship built on a foundation of lying by omission, being half-interested, or simply settling for the 'best available'. If a girl checks all my boxes, there is no need to look for others. There is no need to try to find an 'upgrade' or be on the hunt for a bigger better deal, because I know what it is I'm looking for, and I know what's important to me. Hang in there... I'm sure you come across as a breath of fresh air for the ladies you meet.
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) Not true. I'm a single-dater. I primarily use online dating to meet people. I'm perfectly capable of dating more than one person at a time, and have done so for a period some years ago. And as we all know, most women can get a lot of dates online with little effort, and yet many of them are arguing against it here, so your desperation/scarcity argument holds little water. Women can get lots of dates online. But they cant get lots of quality dates online. A woman could be a "5" and theoretically have 10 dates lined up per week. But it wouldn't be 10 dates with guys she likes. Let's be honest...most of these guys on these sites are just looking for a place to put their ****. And well, on the flip side, most of the women are just looking for attention. Thing is, by multi dating I found I wasn't really making much of an effort to get to know any one person in particular, it took up a lot of my spare time, and I'd end up in the unenviable position of having to tell a perfectly nice girl I didn't want to see her again because I was seeing someone else. I felt like a jerk. All due respect, that seems like your own personal issue. What is your alternative? To continue dating her although you're walking past women every day who you'd rather be with? Had you not met this other girl, would you have been honor-bound to stay with a girl who you weren't that keen on? Ultimately, I want a great relationship, and I don't want that relationship built on a foundation of lying by omission, being half-interested, or simply settling for the 'best available'. If a girl checks all my boxes, there is no need to look for others. If a girl checks all our boxes, 90% of us will stop looking. The issue is that it takes time to find out which boxes a woman is checking. And while I'm determining what a particular woman is about, I will not going to stop myself from pursuing other options. I've dated a lot. I know that at any time, any woman can up and walk away without so much as a "goodbye" text. I've had women be the "jerk" and tell me that THEY have found someone else. I've had all the highs and lows of dating, and I accept that this is how the world works. Sure, I could embrace a kinder, gentler dating method. But it's not a kind, gentle world. If a woman or man wants you, they will stay with you. If they don't, they will leave you. Such is life. But I want to make sure that I'm in the position of decision-maker. Not them. Maybe that makes me selfish or mean or whatever the people here are thinking. But to me it just sounds like common sense. It's a logical approach to finding a woman that I want to keep around. But this board is filled with emotional thinkers. Edited March 27, 2012 by Mantis Toboggan
FitChick Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 If a woman or man wants you, they will stay with you. If they don't, they will leave you. This will come as a shock to many people.
PlumPrincess Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So, if I go on a date with someone on Wednesday and then with someone else on Friday, I'm an evil multi-dater? Even when I met both on the dating website and have no clue how these people are in real life?
RedRobin Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) So, if I go on a date with someone on Wednesday and then with someone else on Friday, I'm an evil multi-dater? Even when I met both on the dating website and have no clue how these people are in real life? Here's a question... what do you do if you have a great date with the guy on Wednesday and he asks to see you again on Friday? Do you say "Oh, that is so nice! I would love to, but I made another date for Friday." Do you say "Oh, that is so nice, but I already have plans." True, but not 100% of it. Or, do you cancel with the Friday guy who has planned his week or at least the prior few days... possibly turning away other offers for socializing to spend time with you? If you do cancel with Friday guy, do you make up some lame excuse like you are 'sick', or have to work late... pick up the kids... whatever it is.... so you can 'focus' on Wednesday guy? Let's say you do end up going on the date with Wednesday guy after canceling with Friday guy, then decide that Friday guy looks more interesting after all. Now what? Now you need to keep that original lie going if you want to see Friday guy again. AND, if Wed guy knows that you canceled another date to be with him, then he knows you will do the same to him. You've now painted a likely less than ideal picture in minds of one or both simply so that YOU CAN GO ON TWO DATES IN ONE WEEK. That is, if you aren't honest about it. With that said, most people are not going to care which way you answer to the above until some time down the road and they start to have feelings. At some point, you will have to start being accountable, responsible, and consistent with your words and actions. Might as well start from the get-go (ie honesty) or just don't multidate. (note to self: In the interest of consistency, I should stop making statements about pulling myself off of threads! I'm obviously an LS addict myself. ok ok.) Edited March 28, 2012 by RedRobin
paloma22 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I posted this on another thread but think its place is here..Sorry if theres any overlap: HOW DO YOU SPOT THE MULTIDATER ? I recently joined OkCupid, and have a date lined up next week with a super cute guy, who I've been emailing back and forth. We seem to have a lot in common, bla bla bla. In the stupid OKC 'questions', he sounds like a player (doesn't everyone though?), saying he is only interested in sex right now (not true love), and that he would date multiple people at one time, etc. But, his profile says interested in new friends, short & long term dating. I realize most guys on these free dating sites are dating many women at one time, but how do you really know? I guess you don't. Like another poster has brought up, he ALWAYS seems to be online.. So, other than this lame questionnaire, how do I spot a multi dater? How should I go about this date with self-proclaimed 'multidater' ?
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Here's a question... what do you do if you have a great date with the guy on Wednesday and he asks to see you again on Friday? Do you say "Oh, that is so nice! I would love to, but I made another date for Friday." Do you say "Oh, that is so nice, but I already have plans." True, but not 100% of it. Or, do you cancel with the Friday guy who has planned his week or at least the prior few days... possibly turning away other offers for socializing to spend time with you? You know, I'm getting the impression that you take dating WAY too seriously. With that said, most people are not going to care which way you answer to the above until some time down the road and they start to have feelings. Probably the cleanest, clearest, simplest and smartest thing you've said in this thread. At some point, you will have to start being accountable, responsible, and consistent with your words and actions. Might as well start from the get-go (ie honesty) or just don't multidate. Again, considering that dating at this stage isn't serious, I don't see the point in turning down other potential dating options for the sake of going on a couple dates with one person who you very well might not like. We're not talking about years of a loving relationship. We're talking about the "deciding whether or not I like you" phase. 1
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I posted this on another thread but think its place is here..Sorry if theres any overlap: HOW DO YOU SPOT THE MULTIDATER ? I recently joined OkCupid, and have a date lined up next week with a super cute guy, who I've been emailing back and forth. We seem to have a lot in common, bla bla bla. In the stupid OKC 'questions', he sounds like a player (doesn't everyone though?), saying he is only interested in sex right now (not true love), and that he would date multiple people at one time, etc. But, his profile says interested in new friends, short & long term dating. I realize most guys on these free dating sites are dating many women at one time, but how do you really know? I guess you don't. Like another poster has brought up, he ALWAYS seems to be online.. So, other than this lame questionnaire, how do I spot a multi dater? How should I go about this date with self-proclaimed 'multidater' ? First you'll notice the fangs... Okay, seriously. Why are you worried about him "multi-dating" (god I hate this term. Isn't DATING multi-dating)....sorry, why are you worried about him multi-dating before you've even gone on a date with him? You're worried about his intentions with you and the potential for competition with other women. Well competition will be a factor whether you're his only option, or one of 5 options. A guy could be "single-dating" you for a month, and all of a sudden he's at his sister's housewarming party and meets a girl there who he likes more than you. Such is life. And as far as his intentions, you won't know that until you meet him. Sure, people will tell you "Just ask him is he's seeing other people." but: A) I don't think that's anyone's business on a first date. You're meeting each other for a drink...not exactly the point in the relationship for full disclosure of personal issues. B) Even if you ask, who's to say that he tells the truth? My point is, worry about this stuff once you determine that you like the guy. If that means you're holding out on sex, then do so. Wait until you're comfortable, and use that time to evaluate him. Dating is supposed to be fun. Not this paranoid, horrible vehicle whose sole purpose is to find you a husband. I feel like a large portion of this message board just sees dating as this means to an end towards getting a ring on your finger. Learn to enjoy the ups and the downs. It's a better ride than those people who settle down with the first person they date. 1
zengirl Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Here's a question... what do you do if you have a great date with the guy on Wednesday and he asks to see you again on Friday? Do you say "Oh, that is so nice! I would love to, but I made another date for Friday." Do you say "Oh, that is so nice, but I already have plans." True, but not 100% of it. I would say the latter, because it's considered common courtesy (when I was younger, I've actually said the former and gotten told I should've said the latter before by the person, though that person still set up another date fwiw), though if he asks what, I would gladly tell him. I also add, "How about Saturday!" or whatever the next day is I'm free. Or, do you cancel with the Friday guy who has planned his week or at least the prior few days... possibly turning away other offers for socializing to spend time with you? I would never do this. The few times I did cancel dates were never for another date -- one was because I had a car accident that day, a few were because I had to work unexpectedly, and one was because my grandmother had a stroke and I went out of town to visit her. I did almost call to cancel a date/or explain we could meet but not as a date, once because I felt I'd gotten serious about someone else I'd already been dating (the date was set up well in advance but was a casual drinks meet with a friendly acquaintance). But I decided it was rude to not go, went and told him something I was in had gotten serious (he was seeing others too, including a girl that later got serious), went dutch on beers, and we chatted about video games. We're still friendly when we see each other, and I know his GF. The guy I thought had gotten serious fizzled out not long after -- for awhile, I regretted not considering this other guy more (he had his GF by the time the other fizzled out) but then I met hubby.
RedRobin Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Ok, sounds good. My general gripe with multidating goes along the line of being respectful and honest.. and some (maybe alot) of people's tendencies to take the expedient path at another's expense. I also think it is important as fellow human beings to do our best not to create regret, dishonor others, or become part of someone else's regret 'story'... understanding that we can't control other people's perceptions. It is still a worthy attempt nonetheless. These are all qualities that prepare someone and set the stage for a healthy relationship based on intimacy and genuine caring. For those who are sincerely looking for a LTR. The ones who just 'wanna have fun' are not on my radar.
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