kaylan Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 So, you'd lose the girl of your dreams most possibly. How would I know shes the girl of my dreams? Youre asking me something hypothetical. If I never got to know her, then its no hair off my back. And if she did something that turned me off and made me feel she was controlling right in the beginning of our friendship, I wouldnt think she was the girl of my dreams. The right girl for me will be laid back and talk a calm approach to dating. She wont be rushing me for a commitment. Someone who pushes for any sort of commitment when I barely know them ends up red flags.
ThaWholigan Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 So, you'd lose the girl of your dreams most possibly. It would not be controlling. You have the right to walk away, just as she does. Hypothetically speaking it's possible, but it's also possible that the mere fact that she requests he only date her may well be a turn off, hence her not being the girl of his dreams as it will be an immediate incompatibility, and whose to foresee that there will be more on the horizon, especially sexually speaking....... 2
joystickd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I will only agree with 2. 1 is very vague. Those men have no problems getting women without multi-dating so I don't think it's a problem for them; i.e. they have no need to keep the peace for "scoring" purposes. Sometimes there are guys that agree with women just to avoid arguments or even for the purpose of impressing them. These guys they have the need to do that. I really don't give a sh*t whether you like me or not I will say whatever the hell I want to say 1
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 How would I know shes the girl of my dreams? Youre asking me something hypothetical. If I never got to know her, then its no hair off my back. And if she did something that turned me off and made me feel she was controlling right in the beginning of our friendship, I wouldnt think she was the girl of my dreams. The right girl for me will be laid back and talk a calm approach to dating. She wont be rushing me for a commitment. Someone who pushes for any sort of commitment when I barely know them ends up red flags. That's what I'm saying. You wouldn't know. Because you'd thought it was controlling, when both parties have every right to walk away. How is that controlling? And I think I'm being misunderstood. Nobody is asking for commitment from a first date. I already said that would be silly. All I'm personally asking is the common COURTESY not to date others while he's dating me. Surely a couple of weeks to get to know me would not be such a long time away from his other prospective dates? 1
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Hypothetically speaking it's possible, but it's also possible that the mere fact that she requests he only date her may well be a turn off, hence her not being the girl of his dreams as it will be an immediate incompatibility, and whose to foresee that there will be more on the horizon, especially sexually speaking....... That's what I don't understand! How is that a turn off for him? She's not asking for commitment. Just the fact he sees her alone. He's free to do as he pleases after that. The turn off, would be for HER not being given the common courtesy to be the only date he sees. As I said. People are appalled by multi-dating, not the other way round. Hence, SHE could be the girl of his dreams. (And don't anyone mention close-mindedness again. lol).
kaylan Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 That's what I'm saying. You wouldn't know. Because you'd thought it was controlling, when both parties have every right to walk away. How is that controlling? And I think I'm being misunderstood. Nobody is asking for commitment from a first date. I already said that would be silly. All I'm personally asking is the common COURTESY not to date others while he's dating me. Surely a couple of weeks to get to know me would not be such a long time away from his other prospective dates? The girl of my dreams wouldnt have that incompatibility with me from the jump. By not going on coffee dates with other chicks, thats says im committed to someone, when I shouldnt be committed as a single man.
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) The girl of my dreams wouldnt have that incompatibility with me from the jump. By not going on coffee dates with other chicks, thats says im committed to someone, when I shouldnt be committed as a single man. So your dealbreaker is that your dream-girl MUST be a multi-dater. Otherwise, not compatible. OK. I see no other solution for you. lol You must only date multi-daters. Just as single-daters are appalled by multi-daters you would never date a non-multidater. Edited March 25, 2012 by silvermercy
joystickd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 So your dealbreaker is that your dream-girl MUST be a multi-dater. Otherwise, not compatible. OK. I see no other solution. lol No she just need to understand that they are not committed and he is allowed to go out with other women. You want all this investment in the beginning and my question is what are you investing other than time 1
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 No she just need to understand that they are not committed and he is allowed to go out with other women. You want all this investment in the beginning and my question is what are you investing other than time He said he would not be compatible. She would not be his dream-girl. As a side note, why should I compromise and not he then? Because, not dating others while seeing me is MORE understanding and MORE polite than he seeing others at the same time. As I said it's not about commitment just common courtesy. (And common courtesy scores extra points).
ThaWholigan Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 It appears that there is a difference in definition of commitment, and what it entails. And how early on commitment is required with future partners.
joystickd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 He said he would not be compatible. She would not be his dream-girl. As a side note, why should I compromise and not he then? Because, not dating others while seeing me is MORE understanding and MORE polite than he seeing others at the same time. As I said it's not about commitment just common courtesy. (And common courtesy scores extra points). You seem to be the one saying don't multidate focus on me. So i'm asking why a man that multidates should focus on you. You are asking him to compromise so what are you offering for him to do that. What are you compromising?
oaks Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 It appears that there is a difference in definition of commitment, and what it entails. And how early on commitment is required with future partners. If I agree to do something, or agree to refrain from doing something, I'm making a commitment. If that's a dating or relationship-related 'something', like agreeing not to date anyone else, then I think that's a Commitment in the dating/relationship sense. But, happy to hear other definitions so that I can correct them learn. I'm not even against agreeing to not date anyone else from the beginning (it really depends on the situation and person), although I'm sure I'm not compatible with someone who thinks I'm disgusting for multi-dating!
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 You seem to be the one saying don't multidate focus on me. So i'm asking why a man that multidates should focus on you. You are asking him to compromise so what are you offering for him to do that. What are you compromising? He should focus only on me as I'm focusing on him. I explained. Common courtesy. Politeness. Enthusiasm. Extra willingness to get to know him. That I am not lukewarm and not ready to bolt out of the door. I'm compromising my own time. A big waste of my time. That's what I'm compromising. Because my time is as important as his. I'm "sacrificing" it so as to get to know him only. To show him my good and serious intentions. But with his multi-dating he doesn't appear to show he is as considerate to my time as I am to his time. Hence, I'm disgusted. 1
ThaWholigan Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 If I agree to do something, or agree to refrain from doing something, I'm making a commitment. If that's a dating or relationship-related 'something', like agreeing not to date anyone else, then I think that's a Commitment in the dating/relationship sense. But, happy to hear other definitions so that I can correct them learn. I'm not even against agreeing to not date anyone else from the beginning (it really depends on the situation and person), although I'm sure I'm not compatible with someone who thinks I'm disgusting for multi-dating! I would agree. I happen to understand both arguments, but I think it's probably a cultural difference more than anything. I am open to multi-dating too personally, but I think what Silvermercy & RedRobin object to is multidating for sexual purposes. They believe in sex = commitment. So I feel that's the position they are looking at it from. We obviously do not feel the same way (well, I kinda don't), so I would say that there is a difference.
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) I would agree. I happen to understand both arguments, but I think it's probably a cultural difference more than anything. I am open to multi-dating too personally, but I think what Silvermercy & RedRobin object to is multidating for sexual purposes. They believe in sex = commitment. So I feel that's the position they are looking at it from. We obviously do not feel the same way (well, I kinda don't), so I would say that there is a difference. I do believe sex = commitment indeed so that's why I'd like to find a compatible man. But as I said, I'm not expecting "commitment" from the first date. Dating exclusivity does not count as "commitment" to me. I already mentioned what it means (courtesy, enthusiasm etc), things that I find appealing in a man. Edited March 25, 2012 by silvermercy 1
joystickd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 He should focus only on me as I'm focusing on him. I explained. Common courtesy. Politeness. Enthusiasm. Extra willingness to get to know him. That I am not lukewarm and not ready to bolt out of the door. I'm compromising my own time. A big waste of my time. That's what I'm compromising. Because my time is as important as his. I'm "sacrificing" it so as to get to know him only. To show him my good and serious intentions. But with his multi-dating he doesn't appear to show he is as considerate to my time as I am to his time. Hence, I'm disgusted. You just assume is his not as considerate. You are just disgusted because you are not in control. You want all the investment on the man's part. It doesn't work that way. Your whole response here is me or my. What about him? Like I said if early on you are just getting to know each other what are you compromising. Something more than time. I mean really getting to know each other is simply just getting to know each other. When it comes to me you have to earn the right for me to stop multidating. I don't simply stop because you want me to. 1
ThaWholigan Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I do believe sex = commitment indeed so that's why I'd like to find a compatible man. But as I said, I'm not expecting "commitment" from the first date. Dating exclusivity does not count as "commitment" to me. I already mentioned what it means (courtesy, enthusiasm etc), things that I find appealing in a man. Understood. I totally get your argument. It may not be completely compatible with mine but it's your own set of values. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion, as I also feel there is nothing really wrong with multi-dating either, it's just two different routes to the same destination. As I was saying, I think what you are describing as dating exclusivity sounds to a lot of guys like commitment. It may seem like the perfectly normal thing to you and others, but there are those who would scoff at it. 1
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 You just assume is his not as considerate. You are just disgusted because you are not in control. You want all the investment on the man's part. It doesn't work that way. Your whole response here is me or my. What about him? Like I said if early on you are just getting to know each other what are you compromising. Something more than time. I mean really getting to know each other is simply just getting to know each other. When it comes to me you have to earn the right for me to stop multidating. I don't simply stop because you want me to. Um.. In my response I already explained what I was giving HIM. Same thing as I would like him to give to ME. Where exactly did you see my response is all me and my? You're seeing things I think... You should stop dating others on your OWN and NOT because someone TOLD you to. Did you read the part of my post about common courtesy etc? I don't think you did. 1
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Understood. I totally get your argument. It may not be completely compatible with mine but it's your own set of values. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion, as I also feel there is nothing really wrong with multi-dating either, it's just two different routes to the same destination. As I was saying, I think what you are describing as dating exclusivity sounds to a lot of guys like commitment. It may seem like the perfectly normal thing to you and others, but there are those who would scoff at it. Well to me that would scream "possible commitment-phobe" when it comes to those guys because dating one person at a time I don't see it as commitment at all.
joystickd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Um.. In my response I already explained what I was giving HIM. Same thing as I would like him to give to ME. Where exactly did you see my response is all me and my? You're seeing things I think... You should stop dating others on your OWN and NOT because someone TOLD you to. Did you read the part of my post about common courtesy etc? I don't think you did. I did. Like I said before a woman has to earn the right for me to stop. I'm not going to drop it for courtesy. Lol! Lets be honest how do I know a women would be courteous to me and not about not multidating but other things.
joystickd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Well to me that would scream "possible commitment-phobe" when it comes to those guys because dating one person at a time I don't see it as commitment at all. Not a commitment phobe. Its funny a man doesnt commit to you then universally he is afraid of commitment. Consider that maybe its something with you. 1
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I did. Like I said before a woman has to earn the right for me to stop. I'm not going to drop it for courtesy. Lol! Lets be honest how do I know a women would be courteous to me and not about not multidating but other things. Then you are going to lose a lot of potential women because of your lack of courtesy. You just said you do not have an important trait many women seek in a partner. I just explained how a woman would be courteous to you. By not multi-dating and seeing only you. Can you get more courteous than that? I don't think so. 1
silvermercy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Not a commitment phobe. Its funny a man doesnt commit to you then universally he is afraid of commitment. Consider that maybe its something with you. Nope. You're trying to turn it around on me now by hinting that I am insecure or something I guess. Nope. Not at all. Sorry to disappoint.
oaks Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I would agree. I happen to understand both arguments, but I think it's probably a cultural difference more than anything. I am open to multi-dating too personally, but I think what Silvermercy & RedRobin object to is multidating for sexual purposes. They believe in sex = commitment. So I feel that's the position they are looking at it from. We had a brief attempt at defining multi-dating a few pages back. I wondered if someone would chime in with "multi-dating means having lots of casual sex partners" because it's come up before (in this thread and others) but really that doesn't define multi-dating. As for whether sex = commitment, that's a whole other topic! 1
joystickd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Then you are going to lose a lot of potential women because of your lack of courtesy. You just said you do not have an important trait many women seek in a partner. I just explained how a woman would be courteous to you. By not multi-dating and seeing only you. Can you get more courteous than that? I don't think so. LOL! I'm real and I definitely understand there are women that don't like what I do. In my mind its like who gives a sh*t. If they want me they will put in the work to prove they are worth my time. You just hate to put in the work for someone. You want them to put in the work. Guys that multidate have that important trait because if they didn't they wouldn't be multidating would they.
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