He was into me, now I'm into him, he isn't so much

[sweetsmmr91]

I met this guy through mutual work friends, and I wasn't too interested in him, but then he got my number from his friend and we started texting. We started talking and had tons in common, but he seemed really quick to be affectionate and call me baby and tell me how much he liked me.. which was a red flag that he was clingy. And I was dating other guys at the time and I was thinking, "I really don't want to deal with this clingy thing". And then I agreed to go on a date with him, and he was really sweet the entire time, and overly affectionate, a little too touchy- and I kind of pushed him away but thought it was kind of sweet that he was so interested in me but also a bit overwhelming.

 

So I decided I'd give it a try, because I was getting tired of casually dating jerks.. and he seemed to be super nice if not a little too into me. Which, why in the world would I complain about a guy being too nice and too into me?

 

So he started saying things like, "well when we live together.." jokingly. And being extremely hinty towards starting a relationship... Which, honestly, freaked me out because I have some commitment issues. But I decided to try it out anyways, and started really falling for the lines.

 

Then one night when he was going to come to my apartment to hang out he texted me saying "I felt like I should tell you I've kind of got commitment issues". I didn't get it until he was here, so it was kind of awkward, and I was just like "wait what do you mean?" And he just told me he always jumps into relationships, and this time he's trying to take it slower.

 

I don't understand how he goes from being way too into me, and clingy and me kind of turned off.. to him being the cool one and me being kind of too into him.

 

I am not happy about this turn of events and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Did he change his mind about me? Or was he just being super sweet in the beginning because he wanted to get laid, and saw that it wasn't going to happen until I'm in a relationship with him, so decided to get out..? (That's my rule, no sex before commitment.. I guess I'm a little old fashioned)

 

I'm seriously confused, and now our roles are completely reversed and it's ridiculous!

 

I just can't figure it out!

 

I've started dating other guys again, and still talking to him.. more casually now, so I'm not thinking too hard on it or dwelling too, too much! But I'm just kind of wanting to see what other people think

Edited March 20, 2012 by sweetsmmr91

[thatone]

I met this guy through mutual work friends, and I wasn't too interested in him, but then he got my number from his friend and we started texting. We started talking and had tons in common, but he seemed really quick to be affectionate and call me baby and tell me how much he liked me.. which was a red flag that he was clingy. And I was dating other guys at the time and I was thinking, "I really don't want to deal with this clingy thing". And then I agreed to go on a date with him, and he was really sweet the entire time, and overly affectionate, a little too touchy- and I kind of pushed him away but thought it was kind of sweet that he was so interested in me but also a bit overwhelming.

 

So I decided I'd give it a try, because I was getting tired of casually dating jerks.. and he seemed to be super nice if not a little too into me. Which, why in the world would I complain about a guy being too nice and too into me?

 

So he started saying things like, "well when we live together.." jokingly. And being extremely hinty towards starting a relationship... Which, honestly, freaked me out because I have some commitment issues. But I decided to try it out anyways, and started really falling for the lines.

 

Then one night when he was going to come to my apartment to hang out he texted me saying "I felt like I should tell you I've kind of got commitment issues". I didn't get it until he was here, so it was kind of awkward, and I was just like "wait what do you mean?" And he just told me he always jumps into relationships, and this time he's trying to take it slower.

 

I don't understand how he goes from being way too into me, and clingy and me kind of turned off.. to him being the cool one and me being kind of too into him.

 

I am not happy about this turn of events and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Did he change his mind about me? Or was he just being super sweet in the beginning because he wanted to get laid, and saw that it wasn't going to happen until I'm in a relationship with him, so decided to get out..? (That's my rule, no sex before commitment.. I guess I'm a little old fashioned)

 

I'm seriously confused, and now our roles are completely reversed and it's ridiculous!

 

I just can't figure it out!

 

I've started dating other guys again, and still talking to him.. more casually now, so I'm not thinking too hard on it or dwelling too, too much! But I'm just kind of wanting to see what other people think

 

i think you don't know what you want and he realized it and moved on to better prospects.

 

you contradict yourself in your own post (casually dating jerks while not having sex before commitment while dating multiple guys in an old fashioned way? none of this makes any sense).

[Feelsgoodman]

i think you don't know what you want and he realized it and moved on to better prospects.

 

you contradict yourself in your own post (casually dating jerks while not having sex before commitment while dating multiple guys in an old fashioned way? none of this makes any sense).

It sounds like she's just upset that she lost control of the situation.

[sweetsmmr91]

Haha, wait. I casually date guys. Who happen to turn out to be jerks. I don't casually sleep with guys. And how do you get a good old fashioned commitment if you aren't dating guys? To get to know what you like? I'm confused about how this is contradicting. Unless I worded it oddly in my post.

 

And I'd think that too, but he still texts me and calls me. And insisted on coming and picking me up on St. Patricks' Day when I was drunk and took me home and just took care of me without trying anything. I guess I could have mentioned that. And I told him he's missing out on something great, and he told me he doesn't want to lose me to another guy.

 

I just was wondering if I'm holding out hope that he isn't a jerk, the situation makes me think "jerk" but a part of me is hoping someone else thinks differently Who knows, it's worth asking.

[Mantis Toboggan]

Haha, wait. I casually date guys. Who happen to turn out to be jerks. I don't casually sleep with guys. And how do you get a good old fashioned commitment if you aren't dating guys? To get to know what you like? I'm confused about how this is contradicting. Unless I worded it oddly in my post.

 

And I'd think that too, but he still texts me and calls me. And insisted on coming and picking me up on St. Patricks' Day when I was drunk and took me home and just took care of me without trying anything. I guess I could have mentioned that. And I told him he's missing out on something great, and he told me he doesn't want to lose me to another guy.

 

I just was wondering if I'm holding out hope that he isn't a jerk, the situation makes me think "jerk" but a part of me is hoping someone else thinks differently Who knows, it's worth asking.

 

What defines these "jerks" in your life as "jerks"?

 

I mean, if you're dating so many jerks and you were turned off by the guy who was nice to you, then perhaps you're better off dating jerks.

 

Because, let's be honest, once you have him, you'll just get bored and go back to your jerks. So why don't you save this nice guy for a nice girl before you turn him into another jerk.

[TheFinalWord]

Haha, wait. I casually date guys. Who happen to turn out to be jerks. I don't casually sleep with guys. And how do you get a good old fashioned commitment if you aren't dating guys? To get to know what you like? I'm confused about how this is contradicting. Unless I worded it oddly in my post.

 

And I'd think that too, but he still texts me and calls me. And insisted on coming and picking me up on St. Patricks' Day when I was drunk and took me home and just took care of me without trying anything. I guess I could have mentioned that. And I told him he's missing out on something great, and he told me he doesn't want to lose me to another guy.

 

I just was wondering if I'm holding out hope that he isn't a jerk, the situation makes me think "jerk" but a part of me is hoping someone else thinks differently Who knows, it's worth asking.

 

No, I don't think he just was looking for sex. He's doing BF type things, taking care of you when you're vulnerable, not taking advantage, telling you what's on his mind. I think he really likes you but is worried about past mistakes he's made and doesn't want to make those mistakes with you. BTW it doesn't sound like the issue is you at all; he knows it's with him. Just reassure him. Don't tell him he's missing a great thing. He's open to you right now, you have to assure him if you want him. Women have the ability to remove doubt in a man. You should do that now, if you want him. Remove his doubts. I guess date other guys, but I would make him the center of your dating world for now. I think he'll come around but he just hasn't had a lot of experience and doesn't want to mess up with you.

[sweetsmmr91]

Hmm, I'm not sure what I said that you didn't agree with but what makes you assume I'm not a nice girl?

 

Jerks would be guys who are clearly out for just sex. Or who act pompous and make you feel like an idiot on the first date. Guys who aren't nice to you. I think that I deserve someone who will be nice to me and like me and make me happy on the first date.

 

Just because he was extremely sweet at first and I was confused by whether it was genuine and if I wanted that, that makes me not a nice girl? Now, because of all the men who are just after sex, I get to constantly wonder if the really nice guys are being nice to me just to get laid. So, I'm sorry that screws things over for the nice guys, but you shouldn't blame nice girls for that.. go ahead and focus on the guys who treat us that way.

 

I'm guessing you haven't dated many guys in their early 20s but it's hard to find someone who is nice.

 

Now, I'm asking if people think this guy could actually be genuine, or if that situation makes him seem like a jerk? I'm really just trying to figure him out and what I should do.

[Mantis Toboggan]

Now, I'm asking if people think this guy could actually be genuine, or if that situation makes him seem like a jerk? I'm really just trying to figure him out and what I should do.

 

 

Sometimes you just have to dive in and find out. You can't judge someone's intentions from the imaginary world inside your head.

 

Is he nice? Is he a jerk? You'll find out the same way we all find out.

[sweetsmmr91]

No, I don't think he just was looking for sex. He's doing BF type things, taking care of you when you're vulnerable, not taking advantage, telling you what's on his mind. I think he really likes you but is worried about past mistakes he's made and doesn't want to make those mistakes with you. BTW it doesn't sound like the issue is you at all; he knows it's with him. Just reassure him. Don't tell him he's missing a great thing. He's open to you right now, you have to assure him if you want him. Women have the ability to remove doubt in a man. You should do that now, if you want him. Remove his doubts. I guess date other guys, but I would make him the center of your dating world for now. I think he'll come around but he just hasn't had a lot of experience and doesn't want to mess up with you.

 

Thank you, I'm hoping that's all it is but I was confused because in the beginning when he was being extremely sweet he was also trying to get really touchy with me. So it's hard to not get the "is he just trying to get laid and saying these things to get in my pants?" And then once I made it clear I don't just have sex, he kind of got into the whole "I have commitment issues" and then seemed to get less handsy, but still around.. and wanting to be around me. I guess it all just kind of got jumbled up for me!

 

Yeah, he is the center of the dating world.. I just want him to know that I'm not pressuring him into a relationship at all, but I also want him to know that there are other guys out there who would appreciate me.

 

I guess I'm just confused

[sweetsmmr91]

Mantis Toboggan, that was less judgmental than your previous assumption that I should just continue to date jerks because that's all I'm going to do anyways, since I'm not a nice girl

 

Anyways, good point I have a habit of playing things out in my head and worrying about things when I care. Maybe I should just dive in and stop worrying, and eventually find out.

 

But after all the bad experiences I tend to be overly cautious.

 

Probably because I've lost 150 pounds and my self esteem is kind of out of whack still. And dating is a bit confusing for me because I'm not used to the constant obsession with sex that guys suddenly have.

 

It's weird, dating has gotten a lot more difficult now that I'm more thin.

[TheFinalWord]

Thank you, I'm hoping that's all it is but I was confused because in the beginning when he was being extremely sweet he was also trying to get really touchy with me. So it's hard to not get the "is he just trying to get laid and saying these things to get in my pants?" And then once I made it clear I don't just have sex, he kind of got into the whole "I have commitment issues" and then seemed to get less handsy, but still around.. and wanting to be around me. I guess it all just kind of got jumbled up for me!

 

Yeah, he is the center of the dating world.. I just want him to know that I'm not pressuring him into a relationship at all, but I also want him to know that there are other guys out there who would appreciate me.

 

I guess I'm just confused

 

Glad it helped.

 

Well, two other recommendations:

 

1) Trust your gut. A woman's instincts are usually right. I don't know this guy at all, but as a guy I can see why he would say the things he did. He could just be trying to prevent messing up with you. BUT he must absolutely respect your standards. If you feel he isn't then you'll know.

 

2) When you listen to your gut try to do it based just on what you know about him. Don't let how other guys have treated you in the past cause you to jump to any false conclusions. All guys want sex, but a good man will want it in the context of a relationship. A great man will not just put the ownness on the woman to have a standard, but will actually have that type of boundary set up as well to avoid putting unnecessary pressure on a woman (leadership). If this guy is a jerk he won't respect your boundaries.

[thatone]

Glad it helped.

 

Well, two other recommendations:

 

1) Trust your gut. A woman's instincts are usually right. I don't know this guy at all, but as a guy I can see why he would say the things he did. He could just be trying to prevent messing up with you. BUT he must absolutely respect your standards. If you feel he isn't then you'll know.

 

 

thousands upon thousands of domestic violence 911 calls a day say otherwise.

[norajane]

If you google "commitment phobia" and do some reading, you'll see that what he did is textbook for commitment phobes, which is what he told you he is. It's good that he recognizes that.

 

Not all, but a lot of commitment phobic people will dive into relationships and will go very far, very fast. They will talk about the future, talk about homes and name your future kids. And they will totally be into it.

 

Once they realize they are in a relationship that could actually work or starts moving more toward commitment, they panic and disappear (end the relationship), or they become flaky and hesitant and think they were wrong about it. They repeat this pattern over and over with different people, sometimes even marrying them but with a quick divorce to follow.

 

This guy has figured out that he has a pattern and knows that he has issues. He's done this before. Probably more than once. That self-awareness he has might help him enough to work through his issues, but you are likely in for a rocky road. Proceed at your own risk.

 

Ask him about his commitment phobia. Ask him why he thinks he's commitment phobic, ask him how his past relationships began and ended, and ask him what you should expect from him as he deals with his issues - is he going to be flaky about dates and distant? Does he disappear? Does he get argumentative? Depressed?

 

Decide if you can (or want) to deal with that.

[sweetsmmr91]

Norajane - I really, really appreciate this post. I never gave it much thought as an actual "problem" he might have, so much as that he was worried about committing or that it was completely about me and him not wanting to be with me.

 

He definitely started to dive at the beginning, making comments about getting a dog together someday (I am madly in love with dogs), and asking what I want to name my future kids, and where I want to live when I'm married, and just kind of making general hints. I mean, it was kind of sweet but at the same time on my "sane level" I knew it was really odd and he was really rushing. But I thought he was kind of joking around or just being extra charming and flirty. Because I'm the type of girl who laughs at everything and takes it as a joke.

 

He really pulled away after he told me he has commitment problems, and hardly talked to me at all. And then that night I was drinking (I drink very, very rarely), he wanted to come get me because he was worried, I guess, and he just took care of me. And I drunkenly told him that I have plenty of guys who would love to be with me and wouldn't take me for granted.. and that he can't just not speak to me at all. And he got all worried about me being with other guys and has lately been being really great about talking to me and wanting to hang out- and actually does want to spend a lot of time with me.

 

I think another reason he kind of is disrupting his pattern is because he realized that his best friend is in a relationship with a girl I'm really, really close to and we never made the connection before we added each other on Facebook - haha. So he probably realized that I'm kind of close to home and if he hurts me it wouldn't be as easy to get away from me for good after his phobia catches up with him? Haha! Idk, kind of strange.

 

I just worry about pursuing this because I really don't want to be hurt at all.

 

I'll talk to him about his issues, but idk.

 

He texted me asking me if I'm still talking to other guys, and I said yeah I am. And he asked if I go out with them, and I said I went to coffee with Nick and on a hike with Mike. And he said "Oh, are you going to keep doing that?" And I just don't know where to go with it at this point.

[TheFinalWord]

thousands upon thousands of domestic violence 911 calls a day say otherwise.

 

I don't get your point here? lol are you saying my advice is opening her up to domestic violence? Women who allow that to occur have serious mental health issues. I hope you're not just using that extreme of a statement to make a point. Do I need to start putting a legal warning at the end of all of my posts?

[Imajerk17]

My thought: Boundaries.

 

A jerk who is into sex isn't exhibiting good boundaries. Neither is a super-needy dude who comes on so strong. Such as the guy in your thread.

 

You want to be with someone who has good boundaries. The challenge is that a guy like that doesn't stand out to many women your age (from the "91" and that you mentioned this guy was in his early 20s I am guessing that you were born in 1991 and so you are about 21). You'll go on a date with him and he'll be "nice". He won't come on really strong nor will he flatter you with all these sweet things about what you want to name your kids or anything until he actually knows you. And unlike a jerk, he won't be insulting or ignoring you so you'll feel compelled to "figure out what his deal is" and try to win him over. So you won't be getting the emotional spike you'd be getting if you were dating a super-needy guy or a jerk.

 

Anyway, almost anyone who comes on that strong will pull away suddenly like that. This is something that happens 90% of the time. I've been that guy--when i was much younger anyway--who pulled away suddenly.

Edited March 21, 2012 by Imajerk17

[sweetsmmr91]

Yes, I'm 21. So the guy with good boundaries will be normal, and that is a good thing, although it won't give me an emotional spike that jerks and clingy guys do, and at my age the spike is what gets guys noticed. That's kind of unfortunate, I never really gave that much thought.

 

This is why I should just date older guys who don't have these issues.

 

Buuut yeah, I kind of should have known he'd pull away! I mean at first it was a huge turn off, then as soon as I decided maybe it'd be a good thing that he's so into me, he realized "oh wait she knows my best friends really well" and probably figured that I'd make him sound crazy.. and pulled away even quicker. That's my theory anyways. I mean, I didn't really like that he was so clingy at first, but it annoys me that as soon as I start to embrace it he's like "oh wait nevermind lets just take it slow" haha.

 

Now he seems to be genuinely interested in building something real with me, rather than just being super affectionate and then probably ending it. But I can't decide if I should go with it or just anticipate that he's going to pull away again when it gets serious and end it.

[sweetsmmr91]

And now he's asking me if I'd be willing to stop talking to other guys. Because he saw that I was texting Nick last night and Nick has a habit of calling me "baby" and he said that made him jealous. And I said "well, yeah I guess. I'm not really into anyone but you.. so sure." And then he didn't text me while he was at the gym, and after the gym he texted me asking "Will you be mad if we don't end up in a relationship and I made you stop talking to other guys?"

 

I feel like maybe I'm getting too easily annoyed but ugh!

[TheFinalWord]

And now he's asking me if I'd be willing to stop talking to other guys. Because he saw that I was texting Nick last night and Nick has a habit of calling me "baby" and he said that made him jealous. And I said "well, yeah I guess. I'm not really into anyone but you.. so sure." And then he didn't text me while he was at the gym, and after the gym he texted me asking "Will you be mad if we don't end up in a relationship and I made you stop talking to other guys?"

 

I feel like maybe I'm getting too easily annoyed but ugh!

 

You're not being easily annoyed, this guy doesn't know how to make a decision.

 

"I don't know if I want you, but I don't want other guys talking to you...oh and if I stop these other guys from dating you and then decide I don't want you, will you be mad at me?" Just listen to that for a second...this isn't a man, it's a boy.

 

Does he want you or not? Doesn't seem like a hard choice to me. He finds you attractive and seems to enjoy your company. What else does he expect from you? You're worth more than this guy is willing to give you. Not trying to tell you what to do, but I would move on. He's already shown you that he can ignore you when he has to make a choice. To me it seems like this guys primary motivation is jealousy. That's not a good foundation for a relationship.

[sweetsmmr91]

Haha true. I don't know why I'm putting up with his indecisiveness. It probably has more to do with me than with how I feel about him. I think I got pulled in by how good he treated me before, and now I'm just like "he IS going to feel that way again!"

 

The way you put that made me laugh, he does seem to be more a boy than a man. I thought 24 would be old enough to have a little maturity! When do they start to mature! Just kidding, I know it varies.

 

I'll have to figure out what to do about this, I guess I could do better! Jealousy is not something I can handle and he really didn't start to be good to me again until after I told him there are tons of guys who want to be with me, and he's going to miss out, haha. Idk. You're right. This isn't really rocket science I should just be logical!

[TheFinalWord]

Haha true. I don't know why I'm putting up with his indecisiveness. It probably has more to do with me than with how I feel about him. I think I got pulled in by how good he treated me before, and now I'm just like "he IS going to feel that way again!"

 

The way you put that made me laugh, he does seem to be more a boy than a man. I thought 24 would be old enough to have a little maturity! When do they start to mature! Just kidding, I know it varies.

 

I'll have to figure out what to do about this, I guess I could do better! Jealousy is not something I can handle and he really didn't start to be good to me again until after I told him there are tons of guys who want to be with me, and he's going to miss out, haha. Idk. You're right. This isn't really rocket science I should just be logical!

 

You'll find a guy that will treat you nice and can make a decision about a relationship. It does seem like you learned something valuable from all of this: You found out there is a certain way you like to be treated. Now you just need to find a guy that will treat you good, but also has confidence and who knows how to make a decision.

 

So don't be hard on yourself; you're seeking advice and open to it. That's a good sign that you're mature...a lot more than him IMHO.

 

24...uh for guys, sorry to say takes until about 30 for a lot of them! haha There are some though so don't lose hope

[sweetsmmr91]

You'll find a guy that will treat you nice and can make a decision about a relationship. It does seem like you learned something valuable from all of this: You found out there is a certain way you like to be treated. Now you just need to find a guy that will treat you good, but also has confidence and who knows how to make a decision.

 

So don't be hard on yourself; you're seeking advice and open to it. That's a good sign that you're mature...a lot more than him IMHO.

 

24...uh for guys, sorry to say takes until about 30 for a lot of them! haha There are some though so don't lose hope

 

I've dated guys who are 29 and they still aren't mature. I wonder if 30's the magic number haha.

 

We'll seee. Maybe I'll have luck someday, the good thing is I'm young enough to have time. I know now I need a guy who won't stall, and won't pretend to want something he doesn't, and who will be able to take control. Because he has a habit of asking me to make the decisions and I hate making decisions haha. I don't know. I guess I did figure out what I want at least.

[thatone]

I don't get your point here? lol are you saying my advice is opening her up to domestic violence? Women who allow that to occur have serious mental health issues. I hope you're not just using that extreme of a statement to make a point. Do I need to start putting a legal warning at the end of all of my posts?

 

the point is gut instincts are often wrong. people make terrible decisions about their relationships all the time, and they all had good 'gut instincts' about those bad decisions i'm sure.

 

observe, judge, and react. that's always a better idea than gut instincts.