I can't let this fall apart, again.

[missingno]

I need advice to hold a relationship together. I'll try to keep this as short as possible but it will still be long. I thank you in advance for any help/advice and for reading this. Also I might ramble on about things that aren't really necessary in the story but I feel better when I write things down in my post. Sorry.

 

I've been dating a very special girl for almost three and a half years. We have had three break ups, one every year, all because of me. I know what I did wrong, I figured it out myself. I would get use to her being there all the time that I would end up treating her like if she was part of my family. (I grew up in a "tough love" family with all brothers would always fight) I would not show my love and instead would be tough. I fixed this after almost three years I finally got things right and treated her like a girlfriend and she treated me like a boyfriend. During this time I was very happy, I was in a perfect relationship. We talked about our feelings, our problems, everything. We were really best friends that were dating.

 

Our relationship before was horrible and I really have no idea how we made it this far. During our breaks she talked to three different guys. A different guy every year. I don't know if they did anything other than guy number 1. I guess ill just start calling them Guy1, Guy2, Guy3. I will mostly just talk about Guy1.

 

She worked with Guy1 for a while. We broke up the first time and she hung out with him and I don't know how or what happened but she came back to me about two months later. I found out about Guy1 and her hanging out and I was upset. She told me it was nothing. She told me that a few times but I could just not believe her, I had a gut feeling that something happened. I hate my gut feeling by the way. Time passed and I knew that thinking about it would just make it worse so I trusted her and believed that it was nothing. During our second break I found out she made out with Guy1 when we first broke up. Guy1 wasn't even in the picture after our first break up. We got together again and she told me it was true that Guy1 and her made out. I was upset, she hid it from me for over a year and she told me that it really had nothing to do with me, that we broke up and he was there. So after thinking about it I calmed down and put my anger away because we technically weren't dating. A few months before our third break up she got another job and Guy1 was also working there before she even applied. She looked for jobs everywhere and that was the only place that called so it was just a coincidence that he also worked there. I was upset but didn't complain. She made me feel comfortable by telling me that he is nothing. They had something in the past and that is it. We ended up breaking up for the third time. She didn't hang out with him she actually met another guy there, Guy3.

 

Three months later (December 2011) we got back together and this is when it all started to look like a real relationship. We would always tell each other we're getting married, but this time I actually believed myself when I said it. She apologized for putting me through the pain of the break ups and promised me that we would never break up again. She of course said this after she realized I changed.

 

January came by and her grandma passed away from cancer. The three weeks before she passed away her and I would drive her grandma to her doctor appointments which were around 1-3 times a week. I didn't go every time but most of the times. Her grandmother was a very nice lady and she liked me a lot. When she passed away her family wanted me to be one of the guys that carried her casket during the funeral. The day of the funeral came and it fell on the date that I had one of my first college classes. I raced to class to let them know I had to leave and I made it late to the funeral not having a chance to carry the casket. I was there with her when she started to get weak. The rest of January and some of February she cried a lot. I was there to help her and rub her head until she went to bed. I was also there when she realized that there were voice messages from her grandma on her phone, she listened to all of them while crying. I was in the bathroom at the time and walked in on her crying on my bed before we watched a movie. (saddest thing I've ever seen) I'm writing this just to show how much I mean to her. I was there for all of this, no questions asked if she needed me I was there. Her family also loves me.

 

Anyways I guess here's where I need help. Our last break up she got back together with some ex-friends that she had when she was in high school. They would hang out a lot and drink all the time. Her friends are single so they are always trying to hang out with her. That was fine with me during our three years of dating she didn't really have friends. When we got back together the third time, her friends and her would still hangout just not as much.

 

March came and things started seeming different. I don't know if I'm over thinking things because everything was perfect before and we were together a lot. She went to a movie with her friends and they were a little drunk. After the movie they went bowling with a large group of people and I found out Guy1 was there. The next day one of the first things she told me was that Guy1 was there and she wanted to tell me to let me know it was nothing. She said she was with her friends and him with his. I was a little bit upset and I said "is there anything else I should know?" and she asked "like what?" I then said "I don't know I just don't want to find out you talked to him the whole time you were bowling or that you got his number" she replied and told me she did have his number but she said she had it for a while since they are coworkers and she needed it in case she needed her shift covered. I was upset because she knows I hate him and she didn't let me know before I found out and got upset about it. She apologized and agreed that she should of told me.

 

During the weekdays she barely hangs out with me since she got a new job and quit the job where she worked with Guy1. She doesn't pay a lot of attention to me since the movie and bowling night. We hang out and she spends the night but it's only when her friends are busy, I feel like her back up plan.

 

A week after the movie and bowling she went to a party with one of her friends and she didn't invite me. It hurt my feelings that she didn't invite me and I told her about it the next day and she apologized and said she didn't think I would want to go. I told her how it feels like we are breaking up again soon and she told me that she doesn't want to break up and that she loves me. It temporarily made me feel better.

 

Yesterday came up and she was texting me normal while I was at work and we were both getting out around the same time. She was getting out at 8:30pm and I at 9:30ish. She told me she was going out to drink with her friends at some guys house. I told her it was fine. I got out of work and got on twitter and found out Guy1 was there again. Even though I got upset about it before and we talked about it. I feel like she doesn't respect me. I'm sick right now and was sick last night, I couldn't sleep. I texted at midnight and she replied but after that she didn't text back. She never does that even when she drinks too much she will tell me shes going to bed. I called 5 times worried that she got arrested or something. No answer. I sent her 5 texts asking her to reply and to stop ignoring me. No answer. I sent her one last text and told her that I am worried that something is wrong and that I hope she doesn't see me as a needy boyfriend because I called so much and texted so much. She replied at 8:30 am today saying that she fell asleep. I asked her what she was doing today and she told me work, school and homework. I asked if I could call her between school and work because she has an hour and thirty minutes to do whatever and she said she wants to take a nap because shes really tired. I then said alright and an hour later I texted her asking "what is wrong with us, whats going on, I feel like we aren't dating anymore. I never see you and I'm feeling really down and I need my girlfriend. Wish you could help me" I sent that at 1:30pm today and still no reply. I understand because shes at work but I don't know what to do now. She has all day planned and I won't get a chance to see her, I want to talk to her in person and try and figure things out. I feel like our relationship is falling apart fast but I might just be over thinking it. She acts like she is single sometimes. She hasn't been the normal sweet girl. I don't even get "love you, goodnight" at the end of the days anymore.

 

I want her back to being an actual girlfriend, being there for me. She's been partying a lot right now and she seems to be acting a little tough. I don't want to say everything straight forward I feel like I will sound needy. I'm lost. Ever since the bowling and movie thing I've been feeling soft. Getting sad about everything bad that comes at me. I am sad about my job, my families relationship, my car, money, and my girlfriend. I haven't had a chance to talk about anything to her, like I said she barely hangs out with me. She calls and texts every chance she gets, which I don't understand.

 

I need any advice. I'm 22 and she is 20.

Edited March 20, 2012 by missingno

[Professor X]

You are a very very needy and clingy guy - it's all over your post.

 

Also, all I could read is your post was "me, me, me, me, me, me, me", especially the first part, that really got me: "During this time I was very happy, I was in a perfect relationship".

How about "We were very happy" or "We were in a perfect RS".

 

And as for the parts where you broke up, she was right, it was non of your concern who she was with and if she told you or not. It is NONE of your business! She wasn't with you = owes you no explanations for her actions.

I don't want to say everything straight forward I feel like I will sound needy

To late for that, I don't even wanna know about the stuff you ain't sharing here, which is probably a lot. So I'm sure her distancing has a lot to do with your general attitude.

 

P.S.

I called 5 times worried that she got arrested or something

Let me fix it for ya:

I called 5 times worried that she was ****ing someone or something

I mean, at least don't lie in a forum where you're anonymous.

 

As for the advice, learn to let go, and if you can't, maybe you need to let her go.

[missingno]

You are a very very needy and clingy guy - it's all over your post.

 

Also, all I could read is your post was "me, me, me, me, me, me, me", especially the first part, that really got me: "During this time I was very happy, I was in a perfect relationship".

How about "We were very happy" or "We were in a perfect RS".

 

And as for the parts where you broke up, she was right, it was non of your concern who she was with and if she told you or not. It is NONE of your business! She wasn't with you = owes you no explanations for her actions.

 

To late for that, I don't even wanna know about the stuff you ain't sharing here, which is probably a lot. So I'm sure her distancing has a lot to do with your general attitude.

 

P.S.

 

Let me fix it for ya:

 

I mean, at least don't lie in a forum where you're anonymous.

 

As for the advice, learn to let go, and if you can't, maybe you need to let her go.

 

Totally right.

I'm feeling very sick and down right now so I made a few writing mistakes.

The first one I should of wrote "We were very happy, in a perfect relationship."

You're still right though I can easily say I'm feeling needy and clingy right now.

 

About what she did when we were broken up, yeah that was none of my business. I've changed and tried taking some time alone to learn how to not be jealous. I'm trying.

 

I guess I did try to make myself sound better by saying I was scared she got arrested. Sorry about that.

 

Learn to let go of the past? Is that what you mean by learn to let go?

 

Thanks for your honesty, it hurts but it's waking me up. This is exactly why I'm here. Thanks

[Professor X]

Learn to let go of the past? Is that what you mean by learn to let go?

 

Not only, though it's essentially the same what I'm about to say.

You need to learn how to let go, how to filter what's important in life and what is not, how the world is not revolving around you.

Learn that you need to have your own life, which is consisted of 50% you and 50% her. Spend time with her, but not all the time, share fun activities together, but not all, give her space and take some space for your own.

If you are sick, learn how to get well on your own, and if she's there, that's a bonus!

Don't take her for granted, cause she's not!

 

And also, if she has a new job, than support her, don't be a burden, or I promise you, you will lose her 100%.

 

I got a feeling she feels overwhelmed by you.

Go talk to her, but don't blame her, don't talk only about yourself, talk about her, tell her you know you did x,y,z, wrong and how it must have made her feel, etc etc. You're long enough together for her to not run away when you say those stuff.

 

She special? Than don't tell her stuff like "you're ignoring me" rather tell her "you're special".

[Mantis Toboggan]

Maybe I'm the non-romantic here, but I don't think this relationship is worth keeping.

 

You're two young people trying to hold onto the scraps of some relationship that WAS good a long time ago. Things end when they end, obviously. I'm not going to expect you to break up with your girl because of what some stranger on the internet says.

 

But I'm just trying to brace you for the reality of this. It's time for you both to explore new options in the world. She's bored, and rightfully so. And you've pretty much neutered yourself. So what's left the salvage?

[missingno]

Not only, though it's essentially the same what I'm about to say.

You need to learn how to let go, how to filter what's important in life and what is not, how the world is not revolving around you.

Learn that you need to have your own life, which is consisted of 50% you and 50% her. Spend time with her, but not all the time, share fun activities together, but not all, give her space and take some space for your own.

If you are sick, learn how to get well on your own, and if she's there, that's a bonus!

Don't take her for granted, cause she's not!

 

And also, if she has a new job, than support her, don't be a burden, or I promise you, you will lose her 100%.

 

I got a feeling she feels overwhelmed by you.

Go talk to her, but don't blame her, don't talk only about yourself, talk about her, tell her you know you did x,y,z, wrong and how it must have made her feel, etc etc. You're long enough together for her to not run away when you say those stuff.

 

She special? Than don't tell her stuff like "you're ignoring me" rather tell her "you're special".

 

Alright sounds like excellent advice. I will be doing some thinking from now till tonight when I'll try and talk to her. I'm also trying to man up and trying to bring myself out of the hole I dug myself. We both have some trouble communicating about our problems so hopefully all goes well. Thanks again.

[missingno]

Maybe I'm the non-romantic here, but I don't think this relationship is worth keeping.

 

You're two young people trying to hold onto the scraps of some relationship that WAS good a long time ago. Things end when they end, obviously. I'm not going to expect you to break up with your girl because of what some stranger on the internet says.

 

But I'm just trying to brace you for the reality of this. It's time for you both to explore new options in the world. She's bored, and rightfully so. And you've pretty much neutered yourself. So what's left the salvage?

 

I would agree but out of our three years together we were happiest when we got back together three and a half months ago. I'll be thinking about what you just said though. She does seem bored.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She is messing around on you... let her go or this is going to hurt 1,000 times worse.

 

I agree with X that you seem too needy and clingy.

[missingno]

Alright so here is an update. I sent her a text asking to talk. Like everyone said it was too late and I already came out as clingy and needy. Well she said she would text me after work, which was at 8. I waited 30 minutes and got no text. I sent her a text and asked what she was doing. She told me she just woke up and she was feeling sick. I asked if I could stop by and talk and she told me that she just threw up and really couldn't that we could talk tomorrow. I felt like she was just avoiding me because she thought I was going to whine about how I want to see/hang-out with her. It was very obvious that she was avoiding me so I called because I wanted to tell her that I understood what I was doing and it was wrong. She answered and she sounded sick. She said she can't talk and I asked if she could just listen and she said yes.

 

This is almost exactly what I said, "I just wanted to apologize for my behavior, I know I came along as needy and clingy, I see it and I understand it was wrong. I see that you're with your friends and you make time for me also, I just got a little jealous that you're out having fun all the time and I'm with my friends who don't party as much. I shouldn't be trying to hold you down and be bored. I should be supporting you and not bother you or crying that I need more time/attention. For over two and a half years you didn't have any friends and I wished you did so you didn't have to come and hang out with my friends who aren't as entertaining to you. Now you do and I realized I was against it and I'm sorry. I will be letting you hang out with them without bothering you.

 

Now about Guy1, I know you hate that I'm jealous of him. I know you've worked with him at two jobs for years now and you could easily leave me and go out with him or hang out with him just you two but you don't. I over think this and think that because of what you guys had for two weeks I would feel threatened by him and you have repeatedly told me that he is nothing to you. I couldn't get it through my head but I know realize that you are with me and not him for a reason." I asked her if she understood what I was saying and if everything was right and she said yeah. She sounded very sick so I told her that I would let her go now. I said I loved her and she said it back.

 

After talking to one of her good friends/my cousin, she told me that I should have nothing to worry about. She was probably upset that I have been annoying her the past 2-3 weeks when she is trying to hang out with her friends. I understand now that a needy guy is one of the most unattractive things to a girl. That's the last thing I want to look like.

 

Now I have to wait and see what happens. I know she didn't lose love from me, she told me what she was doing and who she was going with. She has told me to trust her because if I don't trust her there is no point in dating. The girl is just trying to have fun. Guy1 is not even close to being a good friend and he was just there. We really have a good thing going on and all of our friends tell us were their favorite couple. We really weren't having any problems until my feelings were hurt about her going bowling while Guy1 was there. I know I made a mistake and it was all my fault. I should focus on me when she's with her friends and not on what she is doing.

 

I still feel down though for doing all of this. I hope I can go to bed fine tonight.

[Mantis Toboggan]

It sounds like you believed that the remedy for your clingy behavior was more clingy behavior.

 

You don't have to give a woman a big speech announcing the reasons for your behavior. You just have to change your behavior.

 

I hope things work out. But i dont believe they will.

[Professor X]

Alright so here is an update. I sent her a text asking to talk. Like everyone said it was too late and I already came out as clingy and needy. Well she said she would text me after work, which was at 8. I waited 30 minutes and got no text. I sent her a text and asked what she was doing. She told me she just woke up and she was feeling sick. I asked if I could stop by and talk and she told me that she just threw up and really couldn't that we could talk tomorrow. I felt like she was just avoiding me because she thought I was going to whine about how I want to see/hang-out with her. It was very obvious that she was avoiding me so I called because I wanted to tell her that I understood what I was doing and it was wrong. She answered and she sounded sick. She said she can't talk and I asked if she could just listen and she said yes.

 

This is almost exactly what I said, "I just wanted to apologize for my behavior, I know I came along as needy and clingy, I see it and I understand it was wrong. I see that you're with your friends and you make time for me also, I just got a little jealous that you're out having fun all the time and I'm with my friends who don't party as much. I shouldn't be trying to hold you down and be bored. I should be supporting you and not bother you or crying that I need more time/attention. For over two and a half years you didn't have any friends and I wished you did so you didn't have to come and hang out with my friends who aren't as entertaining to you. Now you do and I realized I was against it and I'm sorry. I will be letting you hang out with them without bothering you.

 

Now about Guy1, I know you hate that I'm jealous of him. I know you've worked with him at two jobs for years now and you could easily leave me and go out with him or hang out with him just you two but you don't. I over think this and think that because of what you guys had for two weeks I would feel threatened by him and you have repeatedly told me that he is nothing to you. I couldn't get it through my head but I know realize that you are with me and not him for a reason." I asked her if she understood what I was saying and if everything was right and she said yeah. She sounded very sick so I told her that I would let her go now. I said I loved her and she said it back.

 

After talking to one of her good friends/my cousin, she told me that I should have nothing to worry about. She was probably upset that I have been annoying her the past 2-3 weeks when she is trying to hang out with her friends. I understand now that a needy guy is one of the most unattractive things to a girl. That's the last thing I want to look like.

 

Now I have to wait and see what happens. I know she didn't lose love from me, she told me what she was doing and who she was going with. She has told me to trust her because if I don't trust her there is no point in dating. The girl is just trying to have fun. Guy1 is not even close to being a good friend and he was just there. We really have a good thing going on and all of our friends tell us were their favorite couple. We really weren't having any problems until my feelings were hurt about her going bowling while Guy1 was there. I know I made a mistake and it was all my fault. I should focus on me when she's with her friends and not on what she is doing.

 

I still feel down though for doing all of this. I hope I can go to bed fine tonight.

Now you need to walk the walk. Start building a life of your own, get your own friends, go out with them, give her some space, don't be all over her. If you have to, send a single text and if she doesn't reply, don't call after 30 minutes or after 30 hours, just wait. She did get your text msg and if she doesn't respond there's a reason for it (sleep, work, friends, phone not working, etc..).

Just let go.

[TigerCub]

Buddy,

 

You didn't change anything.

You say that you understand that you're too clingy and annoying, and yet you call her and keep asking for her time, when she's either sick and throwing up, or making an excuse not to see you.

 

As for Guy#1 - get over it!

You and your girl were broken up, so whatever happened between them at that time, is really none of your business.

The lesson to learn here - is DON'T ask who she's been with if you two were not an item at the time.

 

If you really want this girl. Back off and let her come to you.

Don't text, don't call, don't annoy the **** out of her by acting like a lost puppy. She knows your number and she'll get in touch with you if she wants to.

 

As a woman, I love a guy that will love me, show that he'll be there for me, and treats me well. What I wouldn't love is a needy guy that acts like he can't live without having me every second and tries to keep tabs on me by blowing up my phone with calls and texts and bull**** like that.

 

Women - (most) women, want a guy that will push back and have confidence. Not someone that apologizes for being needy BY being clingy.

 

Honestly, I'm trying to help you here - get a life of your own, have some hobbies, hang out with friends of your own, and back off, and let her come to you. Anything else will just be a waste of time.

 

Good luck

[missingno]

Buddy,

 

You didn't change anything.

You say that you understand that you're too clingy and annoying, and yet you call her and keep asking for her time, when she's either sick and throwing up, or making an excuse not to see you.

 

As for Guy#1 - get over it!

You and your girl were broken up, so whatever happened between them at that time, is really none of your business.

The lesson to learn here - is DON'T ask who she's been with if you two were not an item at the time.

 

If you really want this girl. Back off and let her come to you.

Don't text, don't call, don't annoy the **** out of her by acting like a lost puppy. She knows your number and she'll get in touch with you if she wants to.

 

As a woman, I love a guy that will love me, show that he'll be there for me, and treats me well. What I wouldn't love is a needy guy that acts like he can't live without having me every second and tries to keep tabs on me by blowing up my phone with calls and texts and bull**** like that.

 

Women - (most) women, want a guy that will push back and have confidence. Not someone that apologizes for being needy BY being clingy.

 

Honestly, I'm trying to help you here - get a life of your own, have some hobbies, hang out with friends of your own, and back off, and let her come to you. Anything else will just be a waste of time.

 

Good luck

 

My brother told me the same thing about calling her STILL made me seem clingy. I just had to get it off my chest because I felt like she was just going to avoid me and think that I'm just going to keep being clingy and needy. I wanted to let her know that I understood I was the one that was wrong.

 

I wasn't being myself, her grandma died recently and she needed me there everyday. We would eat, sleep, party, everything together. I got use to it and when she started going back to normal I didn't like it as much because I was so in LOVE with the idea of having her all the time. I messed up and started becoming needy after that.

 

I have friends, hobbies, homework and work to keep me busy. I know how to do it.

 

Yeah I dropped the Guy1 issue. It's clear that he's nothing, I made up things in my head and over thought it.

 

I usually do my own thing. When she's with her friends I would only text when she sent me a text. Thanks to my post and peoples responses I'm going back to normal. Now I'm feeling way less paranoid, needy, clingy and jealous. Not 100% but I AM getting there.

[TigerCub]

My brother told me the same thing about calling her STILL made me seem clingy. I just had to get it off my chest because I felt like she was just going to avoid me and think that I'm just going to keep being clingy and needy. I wanted to let her know that I understood I was the one that was wrong.

 

I wasn't being myself, her grandma died recently and she needed me there everyday. We would eat, sleep, party, everything together. I got use to it and when she started going back to normal I didn't like it as much because I was so in LOVE with the idea of having her all the time. I messed up and started becoming needy after that.

 

I have friends, hobbies, homework and work to keep me busy. I know how to do it.

 

Yeah I dropped the Guy1 issue. It's clear that he's nothing, I made up things in my head and over thought it.

I usually do my own thing. When she's with her friends I would only text when she sent me a text. Thanks to my post and peoples responses I'm going back to normal. Now I'm feeling way less paranoid, needy, clingy and jealous. Not 100% but I AM getting there.

 

I hope so OP.

Good luck

[missingno]

I hope so OP.

Good luck

 

I needed this a lot, thanks to the responses and for your time. If it wasn't for the replies I would be in a bigger hole that I am now.