bentnotbroken Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Today I was reading a mail that she sent him with places she looked at that they can move in together. How is this. He gains everything and I am loseing everthing. How can someone just move from one life into the next without blinking??? Losing is the way it looks now...it isn't the way it really is. 1
2sunny Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 He carries on with BOTH of you because YOU allow it! And because he is a cake eater. Either way - he's no man... And you deserve better than his lying, cheating ways! Throw him out! That's how to solve the problem. He treating you terribly - but YOU are allowing it. Don't DO one more thing for him - except to tell him it's over!
Trimmer Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Physically and emotionally it feels like I am dying inside.... A lot of us know how you feel, from having been through it ourselves. I'm sorry this is happening. Kidd - why did u want to try to stay with u're wife and what made u finally deside to leave. I need that... At the time, I wanted to stay because it was the life I knew - we had been married for about as long as you guys have been together, and we were together before marriage a number of years before that. It was my whole world exploding - everything I had assumed for my future had just disappeared, like I had suddenly come screeching to a halt at the edge of a canyon I hadn't seen coming up. But after going through it all, I can look back with better perspective, and see that I wish I had been stronger than I was, wish that I had seen my wife's lack of respect for me more clearly at the time, and wished I had taken action to stand up for myself sooner. But like others have said - that's just a part of the process. I got there eventually. We cling on to the deteriorating relationship because of the fear of what will happen without it. And we cling because we are holding on to what it was - in our fantasy image, anyway - before it "broke." Once we start to see it clearly, it becomes more apparent that it can't survive in its current state - in your case, that means his lies and betrayal, his verbal abuse, and the power imbalance that results in a dynamic where you can't even discuss the truth of what is happening out of a fear of his response. My best advice is to try to see the relationship in its current state - take an honest view of what it is right now. You will be very tempted to think back to "the way things used to be", and to hold on to that fantasy, to imagine things getting back to that. Things will never return to that - you need to get a clear view of where things are now, and use that to guide your decision for what to do in the future. As others have said, don't dwell so much on "why did he do this, why did he do that?" and especially, "what could I have done to prevent him from straying?" Indeed, there will be time for introspection about your role in the relationship, but don't carry the burden of responsibility for his decision to stray. That part is on him. You need to look forward - what comes next? If you can imagine confronting him, having a discussion about where your relationship might go next, and considering if you want to do that work to repair the relationship (and whether he will be a willing participant...) then that might lead you in one direction. If you can't see doing that and you decide to leave, find the strength to stand up for yourself and do it. Thank you all for your post. somehow I get comfort reading them and other post on this forum. Make me feel I'm not alone - and there is many people out there dealing with same things. I can never confront him with the stuff I found reading his mails. Why doesn't he just leave me for her I just don't get it. If you love someone u want to be with that person right. So why doesn't he just leave for her. It's unfortunate he's so weak and pathetic, but what is fortunate is that now that you have this information, you have the power to make decisions about where you are going and what you are going to do next in your life as you move forward. Please understand that above all else: you are in the driver's seat here. You get to decide your path forward. So my summary points: (1) Be careful not to cling to a fantasy of what the relationship was, and hope for a magical return to that; (2) It's OK to consider your place in the relationship, but don't translate that into you being responsible for his betrayal; (3) Don't waste a lot of energy trying to figure out "why he did this" - he is broken and it's a mystery you may never solve anyway; (4) Realize that you have the power to decide how to move your own life forward, and start to use that power now.
angie2443 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) I can't just confront him with what I know because he has a temper and I'm a bit scared of him. He as never hit me or anything but is verbally abusive sometimes.He's got a low sex drive and only wants it sometimes and we only do it when he wants to because he always say he doesn't want it when I want. So we do it only when he wants. . If your partner was good to you before his cheating, then please ignore the rest of the post. Maybe things can be turned around. Your partner is an abusive person. The verbal abuse and the fact that he only allows sex when he wants it are very common signs of an abuser. They are about control- control to get what the abuser wants when they want it. He may not have hit you before, but many abusers don't hit untill their partner figures out they are bieng abused and start fighting back. Then, the abuser has to find other methods to control. Hitting, or hitting harder is one of the methods that they might incorporate into their arsenol. Don't blame yourself. Don't listen to your partner if he blames you for his actions or his feelings. If you try to please him and be kind to him, he might say that your enabling him to treat you bad because your bieng a doormat. If you stand up for yourself, he may twist your words around and say that you're pushing his buttons. These people rarely, rarely change. They may be able to fake it for a long time, but eventually go back to bieng hurtful. All you can do is make a plan to get out. Edited March 22, 2012 by angie2443 spelling
Author ava123 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 If your partner was good to you before his cheating, then please ignore the rest of the post. Maybe things can be turned around. Your partner is an abusive person. The verbal abuse and the fact that he only allows sex when he wants it are very common signs of an abuser. They are about control- control to get what the abuser wants when they want it. He may not have hit you before, but many abusers don't hit untill their partner figures out they are bieng abused and start fighting back. Then, the abuser has to find other methods to control. Hitting, or hitting harder is one of the methods that they might incorporate into their arsenol. Don't blame yourself. Don't listen to your partner if he blames you for his actions or his feelings. If you try to please him and be kind to him, he might say that your enabling him to treat you bad because your bieng a doormat. If you stand up for yourself, he may twist your words around and say that you're pushing his buttons. These people rarely, rarely change. They may be able to fake it for a long time, but eventually go back to bieng hurtful. All you can do is make a plan to get out. thank you so much everybody I see things beter now and I know I shouldn't ask why because I will never get that answer. I must take control of my own life. I know I have to get out cause I don't want to spend another year or 6years with this man. I don't want to safe this. He is a abuser, lier and cheat. and it will never stop. It didn't in the time I was with him and even when he was good it still poped up. So she will get a surprise.... It just hurt at the moment and I'm upset that she is getting all the good treatment ... but in time he will be with her the same as he became with me. I just feel so hurt that I gave so much and for nothing!!!! and it is a shock to me that this relationship is a sham. I was reading a article on a Psychopath’s Relationship Cycle....... and my eyes opened big time. (it was so very similar to what I was going throught in this whole relationship) and I feel disgusted in him going from me to her as if nothing is wrong..... like it's like breathing so easy and like everyday life. He already got this whole life planned to step into and he shows no remorse, nothing. How was I so stupid. I was so blinded by his charm and didn't see any red flags. and now if I think back I can see all the red flags that was always there and I just didn't take notice of them. People said stuff to me... I didn't want to listed I was young and naive. Even a guy that worked with him asked me when we just started to see each other ''why u want to be with him - he didn't treat his x girlfriend well... but I didn't want to listen and now years later I want to kick myself. Thanks again to everybody that shared thoughts it means lots to me x 1
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 He already got this whole life planned to step into and he shows no remorse, nothing. How was I so stupid. Here's the really cool thing - I realize you might not be able see it that way now, and I certainly understand that you're hurt, but... He's most likely going to replay his usual cycle, doing the same pattern, and being trapped in it over and over again. You, on the other hand, get a chance to see clearly, and to start fresh now. You've seen where you don't want to be, what you don't want to do. I know it sounds kinda dopey, and it might not even feel this way right now, in the middle of your turmoil and hurt and major change, but in time, you may see this as a gift - a gift of clarity; a gift of vision. A gift that you can take with you on your next journey and that you can build into your future. He's going to go do the same crappy stuff over again. You get to move on now.
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I'm so glad you are finding the strength to make a firm decision. I'm also so glad you don't have kids to drag through this! You can completely free yourself and never look back Probably there's a lot of pain and anger right now, but once you are free I bet it feels wonderful.
Recommended Posts