ava123 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I am so lost and confused... I am in a relationship for 12years now and we life together. End of last year he was still fine. We went on holiday and on holiday he started to be a bit short with me. I did all little things wrong. He became cold and distant. When we came back from holiday he was the same. I asked him a few times what is wrong and he just said it is work stress. The day when he went back to work he told me I'm the love of his life and he kissed me long and left. Now 2 months later I found out he is seeing someone at work. He sees her during the day and come home most times at normal time. A few fridays he didn't come home at all and told me on the saturday he was just out with buddies and got drunk. I try to phone him that times but he sometimes did answer the phone but sometimes not at all. He doesn't know I know about her. I can't just confront him with what I know because he has a temper and I'm a bit scared of him. He as never hit me or anything but is verbally abusive sometimes. I'm trying to be friendly when he gets home. but he looks everydag so depressed and down when he is home. If I ask him what is wrong he will say it is work stress or he tells me to stop nagging. He's got a low sex drive and only wants it sometimes and we only do it when he wants to because he always say he doesn't want it when I want. So we do it only when he wants. I take care of him love him and he still cheats. What is missing than. I cook, I clean, I iron - when he is at home we hardly talk cause I don't want to say anything that he can use to tell me I make him upset, he just come home relax and play his online game every night ( now with her) what am I doning wrong ? I have to be happy all the time. Cause as soon as I look a bit off he will tell me why r u upset but he can sit around here salking the whole time and all he say is work stress. Please somebody help me understand I am so confused and hurt. and I just can't get my head around it. Does this other girl know about me. Cause some of his work mates know about me. From the emails I have read it sounds that shes been there for a year but only from the end of last year they seem to have gotten closer and now it looks like they got more close he even told her in one he loves her. But he still tells me that...I am so confused..What could I have done better?...
analystfromhell Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 You could have done better is OBE- now you can either get ahold of a solicitor or a counsellor- your choice (not that they are mutally exclusive).
Spark1111 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Ava, stop cooking and cleaning and ironing, fercryin'outloud! The man is cheating on you, is verbally abusive to you and is intimidating you. It is time to confront him with your evidence and either throw him out or you leave. He is lying to you, and while he may be distressed about it, not enough to end the affair! Are you willing to live like this for another five years? Because as long as he can have the both of you with NO consequences, this is how he will continue. Grow a backbone woman and DO SOMETHING! There is NO REASON, (no, not even love) to allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. If you do NOT respect yourself, why the hell should he? He doesn't, so at this point, you have NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE by demanding he end the affair and treat you with respect or it is OVER. 3
stillafool Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Yes the OW knows about you and doesn't care. Why are you trying to protect him when he is hurting you? If he is abusive to you then let her have him. Be glad you aren't married to this guy, do you have kids with him? Do you work? If you do work start saving all of your money so you will be able to move out.
bentnotbroken Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Time to scrape the dodo off your shoe. If you don't the stench will permeate every aspect of your life. You have to decide what you are willing to live with (crap shouldn't be one of those things) and then make a plan of how to move from it.
Author ava123 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 yes I work and no we don't have any children
Author ava123 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 this girl is youger than me I'm 36 now. He is 38 I think se is about 22 or 23 from the look of her foto I found on facebook. Like I said I work and have never ever ask him for anything and I pay half of every bill so its not like I'm depending on him.
scatterd Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I am so sorry for your pain. He is enjoying having two woman.It is so hard to do what you know you need to do.You are feeling some thing is wrong with you but its him. He is being selfish and feeling his oats all he cares about is him right now. Get all your ducks in a row and as much as you can to prove it.Care about yourself and dont let him suck you dry.What you want to do you should if its kicking him to the curb or giving him a ultimatum to stop seeing her and going to counseling. Big Hugs and I wish you the best.
Author ava123 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Physically and emotionally it feels like I am dying inside....
Kidd Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Physically and emotionally it feels like I am dying inside.... We know. You have A LOT of people here that have been thru the same thing. I couldn't believe how much my wife's infidelity screwed me up. What you need to do is to make a decision. If you want to try to make the relationship work, you must change things. You must confront him with what you know and tell him your requirements if he wants you to stay. He has betrayed you and if he wants you to stay, he needs to do whatever it takes to help you heal. If this is what you want, ask more questions about it here and you will get good advice on what to require from him. If you want to leave, you need to change things. Save some money, find an apartment and go. If he threatens or harrasses you, call the police and file a restraining order. Either way, you need to make a change. If you don't, he has not motivation to change and he won't change. His affair is exciting and fun for him. If he can have that and you, he obviously will. Nothing will change. I don't think that is working for you. If you leave, you will almost immediately start feeling pride in yourself because you have started to respect yourself. You can have another life. I stayed with my cheating wife for 9 months trying to reconcile. Once I left, I was relieved that the daily pain was over. I finally started focusing on the future. To be honest, starting a new life is pretty fun. Why would you want to stay with this guy anyway? 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Physically and emotionally it feels like I am dying inside.... We know. You're in for a roller coaster ride of emotions. Just remember that it is "normal" (for lack of better word), and whatever you are feeling at that moment will not last forever. It is part of the process.
Author ava123 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Kidd - why did u want to try to stay with u're wife and what made u finally deside to leave. I need that...
SandieBeach Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 We know. You have A LOT of people here that have been thru the same thing. I couldn't believe how much my wife's infidelity screwed me up. What you need to do is to make a decision. If you want to try to make the relationship work, you must change things. You must confront him with what you know and tell him your requirements if he wants you to stay. He has betrayed you and if he wants you to stay, he needs to do whatever it takes to help you heal. If this is what you want, ask more questions about it here and you will get good advice on what to require from him. If you want to leave, you need to change things. Save some money, find an apartment and go. If he threatens or harrasses you, call the police and file a restraining order. Either way, you need to make a change. If you don't, he has not motivation to change and he won't change. His affair is exciting and fun for him. If he can have that and you, he obviously will. Nothing will change. I don't think that is working for you. If you leave, you will almost immediately start feeling pride in yourself because you have started to respect yourself. You can have another life. I stayed with my cheating wife for 9 months trying to reconcile. Once I left, I was relieved that the daily pain was over. I finally started focusing on the future. To be honest, starting a new life is pretty fun. Why would you want to stay with this guy anyway? Ava, I am truly sorry you are going through this. It's devastating loving someone while they have no respect for you or your feelings. I would agree with Kidd and many other posters that you should think about what you need in a relationship and accept nothing less. HOWEVER: it sounds like your boyfriend has temper (based on what you wrote), and is verbally abusive, which can lead to physical abuse. Please don't do anything that will put your safety in jeopardy. Find someone to talk with, maybe a therapist, and if there is even a remote possibility that he might do something to hurt you physically, be sure to get appropriate help and support. I'd say that most of us here would offer advice that could help you feel self-respect, but we don't know your boyfriend and your physical safety is very much of concern. I really wish you the best and that you get to be with someone who loves and respects you.
Kidd Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Kidd - why did u want to try to stay with u're wife and what made u finally deside to leave. I need that... I stayed because when I confronted my wife, she immediately apologized, stopped the affair, became completely transparent with her whereabouts and communication, answered my questions, showed (what I thought was) real remorse, invested a lot more in the marriage, came home early, and reconnected with me. Then I found out about some very painful lies that she had continued to hide. I literally threw her out (allegedly - case pending) and got arrested. She then filed for divorce and I didn't disagree. I wish my wife and I could have reconciled effectively. But she couldn't be honest. The continued dishonesty is what killed us, not the affair. I still grieve the marriage (especially for my children) but I can tell you that the day I got my own apartment and left my old life behind was obviously the start of my new life. I will be fine without her. This surprised me because I held into the marriage for dear life when I first discovered her affair and for months after. I was a wreck, never slept, lost 38 lbs, was obsessed with it all. I lost my mind. Almost immediately after I left, I was fine. It is liberating. Good luck with whatever you choose but I strongly encourage you to make a choice and take action to change your situation. Yo have tried to "nice" him back. It didn't work (and never does). Take action to better your situation. You don't deserve what you are going thru.
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I agree you need to confront him. Get your proof in order. Ask him nicely first, without showing your hand. It's so much better to hear them say the truth, but is really really hard for them to do it. Most cheaters lie I think because of the enormity of what they have to face up to. They usually only confess to what they have to. Make it clear that you need the truth. Trickle truth (TT) really sucks...and will just kill your trust even further. Anyway, try to keep your sources to yourself if you can. The more ways you show that you track him, the sneakier he can become. If you decide you want to leave and can't handle it, I wouldn't blame you. You could take it straight to the courts. Might be easier than reconciliation®. My understanding is R takes about 2 years on average, maybe it's not worth it to you. I think a lot of people try so hard to work things out because they have kids, that's my case anyway.
Author ava123 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Thank you all for your post. somehow I get comfort reading them and other post on this forum. Make me feel I'm not alone - and there is many people out there dealing with same things. I can never confront him with the stuff I found reading his mails. Why doesn't he just leave me for her I just don't get it. If you love someone u want to be with that person right. So why doesn't he just leave for her. And just tell me its over he doesn't love me anymore why live this lie?????... I will never do this to someone.
Author ava123 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 so I don't have any other proof but the mails that I can confront him with. and I knew they slept together because in the mails she said a few things that shocked me. I can only ask him why he is so distant and he only say it is work stress.
SandieBeach Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 so I don't have any other proof but the mails that I can confront him with. and I knew they slept together because in the mails she said a few things that shocked me. I can only ask him why he is so distant and he only say it is work stress. I found out about my husband's affair from the other woman's text messages. Before that, I would have been embarrassed letting him know that I snooped through his stuff, but I went to him with his phone and said his recent behavior made me suspicious - that's why I checked. If your boyfriend will not violently react and hurt you, you can tell him that you noticed his distant behavior and suspected there was someone else - that's why you checked his email. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 so I don't have any other proof but the mails that I can confront him with. and I knew they slept together because in the mails she said a few things that shocked me. I can only ask him why he is so distant and he only say it is work stress. I know you are scared. If he has never hit you before, my guess is he won't now. My wife (W) was terrified of physical violence from me when she admitted her affair (A). The fact is I would never do that in a million years even though I have yelled or hit things in the past. I will continue to stress that you NEED to tell him that you know, and you will almost certainly need to prove it. Maybe try to get him into a counselor's office first? He may not go...but it's worth a shot. If there's someone you trust, maybe let them in on it and have them be present? We don't know your husband(H) so it's your call, but I'm very sure that the 1st thing you need to do is bring this up to at least him ASAP. I really hope you can find some way to do this. You keep asking why? You need to ask him that. Two common reasons would be that either: 1) He has self esteem issues 2) He is not getting all his needs met in the marriage He stays because you are meeting some (or even all) of his needs. If he can stay and have the benefit of both then he gets what he wants. It's a selfish thing.
Kidd Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Thank you all for your post. somehow I get comfort reading them and other post on this forum. Make me feel I'm not alone - and there is many people out there dealing with same things. I can never confront him with the stuff I found reading his mails. Why doesn't he just leave me for her I just don't get it. If you love someone u want to be with that person right. So why doesn't he just leave for her. And just tell me its over he doesn't love me anymore why live this lie?????... I will never do this to someone. How did I not see this coming?
Author ava123 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 Today I was reading a mail that she sent him with places she looked at that they can move in together. How is this. He gains everything and I am loseing everthing. How can someone just move from one life into the next without blinking???
SandieBeach Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) Today I was reading a mail that she sent him with places she looked at that they can move in together. How is this. He gains everything and I am loseing everthing. How can someone just move from one life into the next without blinking??? Look, Ava. I don't mean to be insensitive - other people's insensitive comments to my problems would make me feel crappy. But, you might want to consider stopping asking total strangers here how your boyfriend could do any of these things. People do things to hurt those they love all the time - sometimes deliberately and cunningly, but sometimes because of their own issues (whatever they may be). I have spent the last 5 weeks asking myself "how could he do this??" all the time, and really, there is no satisfying answer. What you SHOULD be asking yourself is "what am I going to do about this now that I know he is lying to me?" You know he is cheating on you, and you have proof. My biggest concern is that if he is violent, he might hurt you, so you should make sure you have the appropriate support before doing anything. Other than that, as much as it hurts to leave the broken relationship, you will NOT feel better if you stay with him secretly knowing he has something going on with a younger woman. Edited March 22, 2012 by SandieBeach Grammar 1
frozensprouts Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Today I was reading a mail that she sent him with places she looked at that they can move in together. How is this. He gains everything and I am loseing everthing. How can someone just move from one life into the next without blinking??? ava... i know things are really hard for you right now, and I'm sorry for that. I know it's hard, but instead of focusing so much on the things you can't control, try focusing on the things that you can. You can't control him, but you can control you and start making choices for yourself and how you want your life to be.
Owl Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 OK...so the real question here to me is...you have all the "proof" you need. What are you going to do with this information? You say that you can't confront him with it...why not? And/or...what about taking that information to his friends/family to enlist their aid? If you're just going to read the emails and take no action based on that information...what's the point?
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