divine010 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hello everyone, I've been reading alot of interesting threads on here and like how people are supportive. So I thought I write in what kind of advice or answers as to my situation. Please be decent about your response or don't bother. Me and my ex of 2 1/2 years broke up in about a 1 1/2 months ago. He did the dumping and he understood that I didn't want to talk to him for a while, since I need time to heal. He wasn't happy about it, but he respected it. I can't say it was the most great relationship, cause it wasn't, we had alot of differences and points of view and culture clashes, but we love eachother. Anywho, it's been 3 weeks since we spoke and I broke NC because I have been working on an Apple computer and gave him my PC. I needed it back badly. I resisted because I never give something away and ask for it back. But I just couldn't work on the Apple the same way and being new, I couldn't adjust. I also told him that I wasn't sure if I should give it to him, since my father had told me I would have trouble getting use to the Apple. But I gave it to him because he kept stressing about not being able to afford one and he needed to do his work. So I called him and asked for it back only to find out he gave it away to someone for a birthday gift. I was upset and I told him that it was inconsiderate of him to accept my laptop and less than 2 months re-gift it. This was never a gift to him in the first place. He said well since it was my policy not to call and that the laptop was his to do what he wanted. Well Yes and NO. Because I told him I would never give anyone something like that and for them to have no use for it and re-gift it and give away. Plus, after we broke up, he called me later for help because of an emergency. So you had no problem calling me then. Ugh. I couldn't believe it. He apologized and then I cooled down and we continued to talk and I asked if he missed me and he said "sometimes" and I asked why only sometimes. He said that being busy and going through so much that he hadn't had time to sit and think about missing me..Okay! So then we started getting into the break-up and he seemed upset that I just couldn't trust him in the realationship and he said he made mistakes, but he wished I would have trusted him more. Well if he didn't keep in touch SO MUCH with his ex girlfriends and hung out with one of them and told me, then maybe I would feel more secure and trusted him more. So he made his points and I made mine, we listend and then we said we missed talking to eachother and said good night. That was that. A few days later, my car shut off and wouldn't start and I was stuck in the middle of no where. I called my parents, a friend and then my ex. My ex used to be a mechanic and took care of my car. So he told me to keep him posted. It was a dead battery issue, but my Engine Light was still on. So the next day he called and I told him that I would take it to the shop and get it tested for other problems as well. He then asked could my brother go with me to see what else was wrong with my car. Mind you I never asked him to do anything. Hey, I am a girly girl, when it comes to cars and I don't like going to the shop by myself. I can do the oil change and check my oil. But engine problems, I am not getting involved with and he knows that. So then I said, "If you don't want to be bothered with it or feel obligated, just say so". He then says, I don't feel like that and I just thought your brother would wanted to go with you. Now he knows my brother doesn't live in the same state as me and doesn't visit every month like that. So that's why I felt like he was trying to brush me off. I then reminded him, that before we broke up, he knew darn well what was going on with my car and we both were suppose to go get it fixed together. So he then raises is voice complaining about, while we were together all we did was "go act" eachother and he never had time to go and get the car fixed. Really? I said Wow, so that's all we did was argue? He said that I even told him one day that "we can't even go a month or weeks with peace". This was true, because he was always doing implusive things without thinking and expecting me to go along with them everytime. Which wasn't fair. Alot of the times, it was affecting us or me in the relationshp (giving the laptop away)...ughh.. I said, well if that's how you can sum up the Entire time of our relationship, then I guess you are right. I just wanted to cry at that point. I said I would talk to him later. I wasn't going to go there with him. How can he be so negative and not take responsibilty for keeping his word? He is just finding blame and I am not the one. Yesterday in the morning, I texted him letting him know that the battery was replaced and the engine light was still on. He called me and said he would call this guy at one of his recommended shops to have a look at it. We talked a few times and through-out each conversation, he seems really in a hurry and quick and short with me. I remained calm and tried not to think to much about how he was acting, but the last time he called to tell me when we should schedule to go to the shop, I asked him I still sensed that he doesn't want to be bothered and if everything was alright. He then said that he had a really bad morning and he was upset. I told him well I didn't appreicate how he was acting towards me. He said okay he heard me and then that was that. What do you think? Is he helping me cause he cares? Why is he being so short or cold with me, cause he trying not to show he cares or moving on? I don't know. At this point, I will only contact him and only if it concerns my car and that will be through text. I am not in that space to re-visit the past or talk about it. It just brings back negative thoughts. I am also not looking to get back with him either or using this situation to make him want me back. He still needs time to grow and now I see that even though this wasn't the first time we broke up. I just trust him cause he knows whats going on with the car and thats it. But how can someone who said they were still in love with me, leave you and act like this? Can we act a little nice or civil towards eachother under the circumstances? I still love him and care very much for him. But I am in the "indifferent" stage, where I don't dislike or hate him and am doing OK without him. If you asked me a few weeks ago, maybe I stil would have been anger towards him. I do hope one day we could sit down and have a Heart to Heart. But from the looks of it, he hasn't grown up or got to a point where he has done some reflecting and is at peace. I don't expect him to "get it" right now and am not waiting. In another few weeks we will be meeting up for the first time (6 weeks). Oh boy, I will keep you posted.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 You shouldnt be dealing with your ex at all. He is acting cold because he doesnt want to talk to you. He doesnt want you to get ripped off by the mechanics, but he doesnt want you to depend on him to deal with your car either. He really doesnt want to be bothered. You really shouldnt be calling him for anything, when you can tell he doesnt want to be bothered. How can he act like this after he said hes in love with you? He's not, he just tells you things to keep you from asking questions that he doesnt want to answer, possibly the real reason he broke it off. 1
CaliBabe Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I agree with Eddies post above. You should not be dealing with your ex at all. It is YOUR car not his. Take it to a professional and be done with it. Your car is not his responsibility and he probably feels like you are putting this on him when he has nothing to do with it. It sucks but you will have to get some independece from him. I think NC is the best way for you to go. No texts, no nothing. It is the only way you will heal. 1
Trimmer Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I agree with Cali and Eddie above. Stop having a relationship - any relationship - with your ex. He's your ex now. It sucks but you will have to get some independece from him. More to the point, you will have to find, cultivate, and own ALL your independence. Don't rely on him for help, assistance, support, a happy text, a smile..... anything. Your life is yours now. Move forward. 1
Author divine010 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Wow..I thought I give this forum a shot..I just wanted to know if anybody could give me some clarity on his behavior, but all I get is the obvious: "Move on and you need to be independent" speech. And it would be pointless to explain this kind of relationship any further, when you all already made assumptions and based your statements on others or personal situations. But thanks for telling me stuff that I already know..AGAIN!..lol @ Trimmer - I am not having any relationship with him at this point and don't plan to..gosh..How did a few phone conversations translate into me having ANY relationships now or in the future! All I know is NC is the best. Thanks again for your time and contribution!
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Wow..I thought I give this forum a shot..I just wanted to know if anybody could give me some clarity on his behavior, but all I get is the obvious: "Move on and you need to be independent" speech. And it would be pointless to explain this kind of relationship any further, when you all already made assumptions and based your statements on others or personal situations. But thanks for telling me stuff that I already know..AGAIN!..lol @ Trimmer - I am not having any relationship with him at this point and don't plan to..gosh..How did a few phone conversations translate into me having ANY relationships now or in the future! All I know is NC is the best. Thanks again for your time and contribution! It sounds like he is interested in someone else and wants to keep you in the past. When you text him/call him, even if it's for you computer/car, he doesn't know how to deal with it, doesn't want to have to hurt your feelings, but does anyway-defense mechanism, maybe. no more contacting for anything; there is no reason anymore and you will be given that same cold behavior. They turn cold when the feelings are gone and it's over.
Author divine010 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 As much as I would like to agree. When we were dating, he always helped his friends out, ex girlfriends out, etc. So I can't say that. That's what my ex does, is help people. That's part of what I loved so much about him. He is a very generous person, whether it's loaning money, fixing cars. Hey, you all could be right, but even if he was talking to someone, it wouldn't stop him from helping, cause that's just the kind of person he is. So thanks again for your observation.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 As much as I would like to agree. When we were dating, he always helped his friends out, ex girlfriends out, etc. So I can't say that. That's what my ex does, is help people. That's part of what I loved so much about him. He is a very generous person, whether it's loaning money, fixing cars. Hey, you all could be right, but even if he was talking to someone, it wouldn't stop him from helping, cause that's just the kind of person he is. So thanks again for your observation. ...if he loves to help so much, why, the reluctance when you needed it regarding your car--but he will help out his ex g/f with a smile? He is generous--he gave your computer away to someone...food for thought... 1
Author divine010 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 oh I don't want to drag this out, but he did buy me the Apple computer for christmas last year. Nothing to think about here. LIke I said he is a generous person. Where he is from he was taught to share. It's a habit. blessing and a curse. I feel like I will just end up explaining more and more and we are getting off the subject and no where. Your right he had no business being cold with me. But this is how he can be when he has a lot going on in his life (family problems) and I never like to assume that he seeing someone to just be an the ONLY explanation. There can be so many reasons and there can be just one..who knows..I'm not going to rack my brain over it!
Thatguyintx Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Divine, it sounds like you have your mind made up as to what is happening. You seem to get very defensive when people respond. What do YOU think is going on with him? Or maybe a further explanation why you don't agree with their answers would help. People really want to help and they may have been where you are right now in the past. I just ask you to be open minded. People are speaking from experience. 2
nature Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I'm sorry you are hurting. Perhaps because your break up is fresh, and because he was the one who broke up with you, he is a tad defensive right now because he's hoping you are not clinging to him? I don't know. I just know when I've broken up with guys in the past, and they've continued to call me, I've turned cold on them. I've also had an ex turn cold on me too. What I would suggest, is you take a big deep breath, look in the mirror, and say "today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I am going to break free from him and learn to do this stuff on my own." I know it is hard when you had a guy to rely on to help you with it. I had the same a few years ago, and then suddenly i had to do it on my own. But you know what....my pride wouldn't let me call him and act needy to him. If he didn't want to be with me anymore, then damn him, I was going to be strong and do it on my own. And I did and have. You can do it. You can call a tow truck, a mechanic, any of those things. I've done it, and believe me, I'm not a tough girl. I'm a girly girl too if that's how you describe it. But my self respect and pride won't let me rely on any man who doesn't want to be my all. Regardless of how nice your ex is to his ex's. They had a different situation than yours. Every relationship is different. He is acting cold to you right now, and that is what you need to go by. Show him you don't need him and you can do it on your own. You will feel so much stronger. And he will admire this in you once he realizes he hasn't heard from you in awhile. Maybe then he'll call and reach out to you. ANd you can tell him about all the amazing things you are doing now, for yourself. Take care and you deserve someone who adores you and wants to be right beside you.
Trimmer Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) Wow..I thought I give this forum a shot..I just wanted to know if anybody could give me some clarity on his behavior, but all I get is the obvious: "Move on and you need to be independent" speech. And it would be pointless to explain this kind of relationship any further, when you all already made assumptions and based your statements on others or personal situations. But thanks for telling me stuff that I already know..AGAIN!..lol You know it, that's good. You're just not doing it, maybe that's what people are responding to... @ Trimmer - I am not having any relationship with him at this point and don't plan to..gosh..How did a few phone conversations translate into me having ANY relationships now or in the future! I was talking in general terms about any kind of interpersonal relationship, as friends, supporters, etc. The more you have long conversations with him, the more you plan to meet up, the more you rely on him for help because you're a girly-girl and he's your go-to guy for car stuff... It will be like picking a scab so it doesn't heal. Now you are right - we can't know everything about you from what little you post, so in the end, of course: it's completely up to you. If you are happy with the situation, then I'm truly glad for you - more power to you if you can make it work. I'm not going to claim you're wrong, or deny it if you say you are happy with the way things are. But if you notice that the scab seems like it is never healing, and it's kinda sore all the time and you don't like it any more, (hmmm..... like wondering over why he is acting so cold to you, maybe? Rehashing problems in your relationship when you are trying to get car advice? Enduring him raising his voice to you?) then I would gently and respectfully suggest that putting some more separation between you - interpersonally - might help the long-term healing process, and aid your focus on what is in front of you in your life. YMMV, of course. In fairness, I realize I didn't actually address the question you asked ("Why is he being cold?"), mostly out of an instinct that pursuing that line of thinking isn't leading you anywhere useful. However, it's not up to me to make that decision for you, and I apologize for that presumption. I find the following compelling: Perhaps because your break up is fresh, and because he was the one who broke up with you, he is a tad defensive right now because he's hoping you are not clinging to him? I don't know. I just know when I've broken up with guys in the past, and they've continued to call me, I've turned cold on them. I've also had an ex turn cold on me too. I think this seems pretty straightforward. He broke up with you. He doesn't want to be with you romantically, and yet he's a "helper". (He probably can't help himself, no pun intended...) So he's "stuck" in a sense, being himself and helping you, but that makes him uncomfortable because he is trying to cut you loose, so he's being sure (probably subconsciously) to put up an emotional obstacle so you won't get any mixed signals and have hope. Simple solution: help you out (it's his nature) but be disaffected & cold (so you don't get the wrong idea). Can you realistically think of any other explanation? Edited to add: Actually, in looking back over your OP, I realize one question you asked was "How to deal with him when he's cold", so I guess I did kinda address it from my perspective: Don't. But you sound like you don't need that advice, so as long as things are working well for you, my advice is to ignore my advice! Edited March 21, 2012 by Trimmer
CaliBabe Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Divine, it sounds like you have your mind made up as to what is happening. You seem to get very defensive when people respond. What do YOU think is going on with him? Or maybe a further explanation why you don't agree with their answers would help. People really want to help and they may have been where you are right now in the past. I just ask you to be open minded. People are speaking from experience. Exactly! You are so defensive Divine. People are here responding because we care about the people here on this board, we want to help because we have some experience with this and we try to give some REAL advice so others won't look dependent, desparate or pathetic to their ex. We try to support members so they can walk away with their head held high and with dignity. We try to be that voice to help our forum members when they are in those moments of weakness. I'm sorry our responses were not sugar coated. I hope you can read some threads here and take away something positive as other people now, might be hesitant to reply to your threads. 1
Tiera D Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 well ur ex kinda reminds me about...me.Please note that we dont earn money or get anything by helping u out we are here because we are concern about u,anyway u probably hurt him when u contacted him just to help u repair ur car.i believe he is still angry about the breakup and anything u say right now that doesnt agree with him will make him think that ur trying to pick a quarell with him.just my opinion. TD
Author divine010 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Good Morning Everyone. I have to say, maybe I came across as defensive and impatient and just wanted to hear if anybody could tell me what my ex was going through or why he was responding in such a way. The background of my story is very long story and too even get to how we ended up breaking up for the 2nd time would take pages..lol We both saw it coming. I was never shocked! We both worked everyday and barely saw eachother and we both were stressed. So I am so so sorry for acting short or defensive. I know you all were coming off from experiences, but without knowing my background, I just didn't see how your explanations fit my situation. I do appreciate the candid, blunt and non-sugarcoated points of view. However, I do think because I told him a month ago not to contact me, then I call him out of the blue, he might be on guard and wondering what's up with me. Maybe it's too soon for us to be reaching to talk about anything! And Since I made it clear to him that I didn't want to talk and so he is being defensive. My ex is very sensitive and me telling him that, and since we worked together on the weekends, I uped and left my part time without saying anything to him, he probably took that personal as well. So I was suprised how distant he was acting but then again, I'm not. Oh well who knows what goes on in the mind of people and how they are affected by things. Hey the truth hurts and I can handle it. But I don't think I am coming off as needy or desperate. I am actually very independant and he told me that he was surprised that I called and asked him for help and he thought I didn't need him anymore. But at the end of all of this, I still have to make a decision. I think leaving him alone is best, so as one of you all stated, I won't be "re-opening the wound". I do want to be in a better place emotionally. I will pray on it and see what I should do. Sorry again and thanks for everyones honesty!
Author divine010 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 well ur ex kinda reminds me about...me.Please note that we dont earn money or get anything by helping u out we are here because we are concern about u,anyway u probably hurt him when u contacted him just to help u repair ur car.i believe he is still angry about the breakup and anything u say right now that doesnt agree with him will make him think that ur trying to pick a quarell with him.just my opinion. TD I think that makes sense and that's why he was probably keeping the conversation short with me cause he must of thought that was the only reason why I was calling, just about my car and to keep it business without getting his emotions involved. Cause he later on said that he was surprised that I even call him for help, since I have always been independant and never thought I would ever need him anymore. Yeah it's definitely too soon to be dealing with eachother right now. Too much feelings..He use to do this when we were together, act like he didn't care to hide how he really felt and I was the only one that could see right through him. I guess, he is still the same person. Some people change though, once they break up...so I wasn't sure. You just never know how people internalize things..ya know!
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