Is MC an option now?

[typeonegativegrl13]

I'm going to apologize in advance for this being so lengthy. My apologies!

I'm needing an unbiased opinion from people other than friends and family

 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years.

 

In all fairness, my husband is in love with me, I am the center of his universe. I am told by friends how he is enamored by me, that he talks about me all the time He is an excellent provider of security, comfort, and a home. He doesn't cheat. He takes care of me when I'm not feeling well. He is very good to my two sons. He is a good looking, kind person. So what is the problem? I know, I got it made right? People look at us and say " they are such a wonderful, happy couple." Which is farthest from the truth on my part.

 

 

For 2 years, I have been unhappy.

 

I realized within 2 years of marriage, that my husband is an alcoholic, a social alcoholic if there is such a thing. We rarely drink at home but, when we go out is a different story. When we first go together, I just thought he liked to party, just like me before I changed. No, he has openly admitted he likes to get drunk and that is the only reason he drinks, just to get drunk. That really bothers me. He even landed in jail one weekend for his drinking and drunk out of control behavior. I often get embarrassed about his behavior when he drinks. I loathe going out with our friends when drinking is involved. I kid you not, we went to an all day rock concert last May that started at 11am, he was passed out by 3pm. Despite me telling him to slow down or give drinking a rest. The concert ended at 11pm. I did not know where he was, as I was worried about my safety walking back to my hotel room alone in the bad part of KC. He was at the hotel room passed out. In the first year of our marriage, he totaled my car due to drunk driving. I have threaten to leave him at one point about his drinking. I have way too many resentments here.

 

My health conditions have made me have to change my way of living. I had change my diet to a healthy diet suited for me, I also exercise, and though I didn't smoke much, I completely quit. I did all this so I do not feel bad day to day. My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with diabetes. He refuses and, I mean refuses to eat healthy, exercise or take his blood sugars and meds. He states he does not want to eat healthy or do all the healthy things despite me explaining the consequences of not taking care of himself, think stroke and MI's. He is not overweight at all, he is thin figured. He also smokes like a train and has high blood pressure. He REFUSES to quit smoking also, he says he enjoys it. As you can imagine, it has led to health related issues that are a turn off. He reeks of cigarette smoke all the time, his breath is freaking awful to the point that I can smell it 3 feet away and it nauseates me, and his sexual performance is next to nothing in the bed room now. He can't last 5 minutes and that is all for the night when he is done. I will not kiss my husband at all, he goes to kiss me goodbye and I turn my head. I love to be kissed and I long to be kissed deeply but, not by him. What can you do when someone refuses to change and take care of themselves? I have tactfully and bluntly told him repeatedly that he stinks and his breath stinks but, it doesn't do any good. You would figure the lack of desire for sex would clue him in. I don't want to have sex with him at all. We are down to 1 every 1-2 months. I don't feel attracted to him anymore. I just feel that the health issues play into the lack of romance/passion dilemma.. I also feel that we are at the opposite ends of the spectrum about our health now. While yes, it is his choice to live the unhealthy way he does, it's my choice not to stay and watch him slowly kill himself.

 

 

In the past 2 years, I have sat down with him on 3 separate occasions and talked to him about the lack of passion and romance in our lives. He doesn't think there is a problem. Our lives have become so predictable and mundane, I could scream. His idea of romance is cleaning the house for me or asking me what I want to do. There is no spontaneity from him. No, nothing like the romance when we met, this is the same guy that planned a whole week for the proposal.

 

Well, the last time that I talked to him in December, he didn't feel like anything was wrong between us and that I was being dramatic. Also, he was really put out by my feelings, like I was a burden with them. Everything is ok between us, as long as I don't bring my feelings into it. Sometimes I cry and sometimes he does or doesn't console me, avoids me, or is once again bothered by my feelings. I don't cry often, so when I do, it us usually something that really bothers me. So, I find it easier to keep my keep my feelings to myself. He told me that he doesn't deal well with others feelings. Do you know how that makes me feel? Like my feelings are not worth his time or effort. Instead of changing and making some effort on his part to be creative and bring back the romance/passion, he decided that we were going to move to my home state because I'm unhappy living were we currently are. No, I'm unhappy with him!

 

What have I done to try to bring the passion and romance back? Nothing really, since the health issues play into it and other aspects that I care not to discuss publicly.

 

Communication for us is how the weather is kind stuff, small talk. We don't talk about how we are feeling. We rarely talk about deep stuff. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say to him. We can go hours without speaking to each other. I feel he is more of a roommate or a brother. I feel that he has gotten too comfortable in this relationship and has me right were he wants me and doesn't have to do anything to keep me. Do I love him, yes but, I'm not in love with him anymore. I care for him but, not to the point that I can continue if things don't change.

 

We do go do things together, I honestly don't feel the connection between us at all anymore.

 

 

What have I done to contribute to the demise of this marriage?

Putting up with his drinking behavior for this long, which is unlike me. My health is my priority now, and his refusing to be healthy of has really bothered me to the point of I've had enough, though I should just accept it. Allowing him to get comfortable, and not putting my food down. Sometimes I think I just settled.

 

I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm thinking some marriage counseling?

 

Thank you for your help, support and guidance!

[Philosoraptor]

That is a good place to start. But don't kid yourself. If he is unwilling to change can you be happy with it? If not, then you will need to cut ties at some point.

[typeonegativegrl13]

That is a good place to start. But don't kid yourself. If he is unwilling to change can you be happy with it? If not, then you will need to cut ties at some point.

 

Honestly, no I couldn't be happy. I could continue to try but, why remain miserable?

 

I honestly feel since I have told him repeatedly about his health and the problems stemming from it, lack of intimacy and all the things above, he would want to change because he loves me so much. However, he denies there are any problems in our marriage..that it is perfect. Marriage counseling is a good place to start but, to suggest it to someone who is denial is going to be difficult. And you are right, if he doesn't want to change at all, then I don't see MC helping. I may have to cut my losses. I don't get human nature at all.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm not saying don't give MC a try, but if he is unwilling to go or unwilling to make some of these changes for his own health, you may need to make a decision.

[typeonegativegrl13]

I understand what you saying Philosoraptor. I'm just trying to rationalize and be sensible about everything in my head. Grasp this from all angles as you might say.

[worldgonewrong]

Make sure, typeonenegativegrl13, that you make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him that your marriage is teetering on the brink. Don't push that assessment off or bury it. Better to be upfront with him, so that there's the possibility for change.

If you say simply "change", without emphasizing what's at stake, he won't have any incentive. But give the man a fighting chance - once he knows the marriage hangs in the balance.

Most men get blindsided by not 'having time' to make things rights because their wives withhold the 'our marriage is on the brink' card.

 

You strike me as a good person, not someone who has some secret agenda or something happening on the side. You obviously care about your husband. Just make sure you don't handicap any possible efforts by just dropping the bomb on him.

[typeonegativegrl13]

Make sure, typeonenegativegrl13, that you make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him that your marriage is teetering on the brink. Don't push that assessment off or bury it. Better to be upfront with him, so that there's the possibility for change.

If you say simply "change", without emphasizing what's at stake, he won't have any incentive. But give the man a fighting chance - once he knows the marriage hangs in the balance.

Most men get blindsided by not 'having time' to make things rights because their wives withhold the 'our marriage is on the brink' card.

 

You strike me as a good person, not someone who has some secret agenda or something happening on the side. You obviously care about your husband. Just make sure you don't handicap any possible efforts by just dropping the bomb on him.

 

I made it abundantly clear the last talk we had. Since, I have really clammed up.

 

Thank you, I strive to be a good person. You're right, I have no secrets or secret agenda. I do care for him, and if parting as friends is what we need, the that is what is going to take.

 

I just made an appointment with an IC. I want to talk face to face to someone to make sure how I'm feeling is true. No, I won't drop the bomb on him, but, I will sit down with him once again after some of my counseling to talk things over.

[twice shy]

i don't think MC will help. if he isn't even interested in doing basic things to help himself, what hope is there for hard work to help your relationship?

 

assuming you're not exaggerating, we're not talking about difficult stuff here. we're talking about basic hygiene. and following basic instructions on taking medications and not putting certain foods into his mouth.

 

does he have life insurance? if so, keep those premiums paid up.

 

as far as counseling . . . maybe you could go by yourself. perhaps you'll find that you don't want to be with your husband anymore because he simply doesn't care enough about himself or about you to change his lifestyle.

[typeonegativegrl13]

i don't think MC will help. if he isn't even interested in doing basic things to help himself, what hope is there for hard work to help your relationship?

 

assuming you're not exaggerating, we're not talking about difficult stuff here. we're talking about basic hygiene. and following basic instructions on taking medications and not putting certain foods into his mouth.

 

does he have life insurance? if so, keep those premiums paid up.

 

as far as counseling . . . maybe you could go by yourself. perhaps you'll find that you don't want to be with your husband anymore because he simply doesn't care enough about himself or about you to change his lifestyle.

 

 

Sorry, I'm just responding. I'm down with a chest cold, which rather sucks because I have been so careful to take care of myself, now I can't exercise and haven't for a week now. Rather frustrating.

 

I would like to say that I'm exaggerating about his hygiene however, I'm not. His blood pressure runs in the 180/90-100+ range. He doesn't brush his teeth well to begin with, doesn't floss at all, you can see the plaque along the bottom row of teeth. He has false top teeth. No, I'm not kidding about his breath..just a combination of not taking care of his mouth, diabetes and smoking. If he kisses my neck or licks me during the few intimate times whe have..I can smell his breath on me, no kidding. I'm a RN of 18 years..I have actually caught him multiple times coming out of the bathroom after a BM and not washing his hands. I say something and he goes back in a runs his hand under water and that is all. He does not care.

 

I went to my first IC appointment the day before. It was exhilarating getting a ton of stuff of my chest. My therapist was very down to earth, my age and I was able to discuss everything with her. Her personality was awesome and I was able to feel comfortable and open up to her. The important thing right?

I go back in 2 weeks.

 

We only life insurance thru his work. I don't think anyone would insure him in such poor state of health.

[worldgonewrong]

I have actually caught him multiple times coming out of the bathroom after a BM and not washing his hands. I say something and he goes back in a runs his hand under water and that is all.

 

Tell him, "Wash your hands after you take a dump, or I'll dump you."

 

Sorry. moment of levity amidst the pain.

 

He sounds like he has mental health issues, which is quite serious.

[twice shy]

Sorry, I'm just responding. I'm down with a chest cold, which rather sucks because I have been so careful to take care of myself, now I can't exercise and haven't for a week now. Rather frustrating.

 

I would like to say that I'm exaggerating about his hygiene however, I'm not. His blood pressure runs in the 180/90-100+ range. He doesn't brush his teeth well to begin with, doesn't floss at all, you can see the plaque along the bottom row of teeth. He has false top teeth. No, I'm not kidding about his breath..just a combination of not taking care of his mouth, diabetes and smoking. If he kisses my neck or licks me during the few intimate times whe have..I can smell his breath on me, no kidding. I'm a RN of 18 years..I have actually caught him multiple times coming out of the bathroom after a BM and not washing his hands. I say something and he goes back in a runs his hand under water and that is all. He does not care.

 

I went to my first IC appointment the day before. It was exhilarating getting a ton of stuff of my chest. My therapist was very down to earth, my age and I was able to discuss everything with her. Her personality was awesome and I was able to feel comfortable and open up to her. The important thing right?

I go back in 2 weeks.

 

We only life insurance thru his work. I don't think anyone would insure him in such poor state of health.

 

has he always been this way or has he just started letting himself go recently?

 

also, other than the fact that you've been married a long time . . . what makes you want to stay with this guy?

 

if you moved out, do you think it would serve as an immediate eye opener?

 

i'm glad to read you're in IC, i'll be curious to hear what your therapist/counselor advises you on this.

[Forever Learning]

Stick with the individual counseling, you will benefit from it and it will help you orient yourself as to how you want to proceed. You need someone to guide you. If you decide to stay with him, marriage counseling is essential. But in my heart of hearts I already know, from my own experience, your marriage is over and you need to move on. I say this because I seriously doubt he will change enough to be someone you can be happy with again. Your happiness is of vital importance. It is your life, no one elses. And you only live once. But you need to come to your own conclusion on this, and that is where individual counseling will help you. It takes time to discover these things in life, and talking with a professional is very helpful in getting it all sorted out. All the best to you regardless.

[typeonegativegrl13]

has he always been this way or has he just started letting himself go recently?

 

also, other than the fact that you've been married a long time . . . what makes you want to stay with this guy?

 

if you moved out, do you think it would serve as an immediate eye opener?

 

i'm glad to read you're in IC, i'll be curious to hear what your therapist/counselor advises you on this.

 

He has been letting himself go in the past 3 years. He does shower, it may be every other day at times. He has had the high blood pressure since I have known him. He did go to the doctor in the first year of marriage for it and got on meds. He quit taking them after some time. It was thru a DOT physical for a CDL license the 3 years ago that he learned he had Diabetes, he started out on the med and eating right but, then he decided that the doctors were probably wrong.

 

Nothing makes me want to stay at this point especially after last night's incident. He would have to leave, as my two sons live here with me. We have no children together.

 

No, he had an immediate eye opener when he landed in jail 3 years ago with his drunken behavior, he was blackout drunk and he got into an argument with my sister and I got between them and he pushed me, he got charged with domestic battery. He went to jail Friday night, I refused to bail him out and let him sit in jail. His parents drove 3 hours to bail him out on Sunday. I went to the NASCAR Sprint cup race, that we had tickets for. He promised to go to AA, marriage counseling then...no, he did not change, he gradually reverted back. He does want to change.

 

The IC is a great thing for me. She has got me doing a journal and figuring out why I am scared and what is holding me back or preventing me from the future. She lets me figure things out and interjects. Without coming out and saying it, I feel that she is leaning to this marriage can't be saved because this man is not going to change. I have to agree.

 

Last night. My girlfriend, the only one that is closest to me wanted me to come over for a couple drinks at the VFW in the next town. Husband assumed she wanted us to go, so instead of arguing, he went with me. I had 2 drinks the whole time and nursed those. Husband sat there and got staggering drunk. I could have said something..but, once again, an argument that I wanted to avoid in public. I drive us home around 11pm, once we hit our town, he wanted me to drop him off at the bar 5 blocks from our house. I ignored him as he was already stupid drunk. We got home, he got out of the car, slammed the car door and proceed to staggeringly walk his self up to the bar. I went into the house and called my girlfriend. I told her things that I have not told her. She too, is going thru a divorce after 18 years and dealt with the same drunken stuff with her husband. I went to bed and I think the husband closed down the bar. He got up around 4am and went to work. I think he was avoiding the inevitable fight that is going to ensue today. I told him before we went out,that we were celebrating my 14yr old's birthday today by taking him out to eat and doing something like a movie or bowling, and not to get crazy spending money. The tab at the VFW was 54 dollars, he was buying my gf drinks and he bought a round for 6 people and shots. I am livid! I still don't know what his tab was from the bar down from us.

 

I think is is best that I leave for the day. Take my boys and maybe go celebrate at my sisters.