Alex DeLarge Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hey guys, I'm starting to think I may have a problem here.. Or maybe I haven't met the right person? As for my backstory.. I'm a pretty cool guy. Currently in college right now (took a year off to go traveling/playing music which made some great experiences but came back). I have no problem socializing, joking around, and meeting new people. I'd say I'm a decent looking guy.. Maybe not your typical mr. handsome brad pitt clone, but I have decent features, dress well, exercise, and eat healthy. I've had no trouble dating in the past. Always had a great time, and we provided each other with mutual entertainment. However, I did not lose my virginity up until about 2 months ago (had sex with 2 women since then and both told me I was very good in bed). I think in the past this may have made me nervous to proceed further with women, resulting in them losing interest and moving on to someone else. I would say I'm one of the more popular guys and have a huge social circle. I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a girl friend either, but after being rejected so many times with such common lines as "I'm not looking for anything serious", "let's just be friends", and the common flake.. I can only wonder. Maybe I need to play hard to get or something? I'll usually hang out with whoever I'm talking to 2 or 3 times a week. Not cause I'm clingy, but just cause it's fun hanging out! Am I spending too much time with them? I don't usually text a lot either.. Maybe a few messages at one point in the day. I have no idea what's going on here!
jobaba Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hey guys, I'm starting to think I may have a problem here.. Or maybe I haven't met the right person? As for my backstory.. I'm a pretty cool guy. Currently in college right now (took a year off to go traveling/playing music which made some great experiences but came back). I have no problem socializing, joking around, and meeting new people. I'd say I'm a decent looking guy.. Maybe not your typical mr. handsome brad pitt clone, but I have decent features, dress well, exercise, and eat healthy. I've had no trouble dating in the past. Always had a great time, and we provided each other with mutual entertainment. However, I did not lose my virginity up until about 2 months ago (had sex with 2 women since then and both told me I was very good in bed). I think in the past this may have made me nervous to proceed further with women, resulting in them losing interest and moving on to someone else. I would say I'm one of the more popular guys and have a huge social circle. I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a girl friend either, but after being rejected so many times with such common lines as "I'm not looking for anything serious", "let's just be friends", and the common flake.. I can only wonder. Maybe I need to play hard to get or something? I'll usually hang out with whoever I'm talking to 2 or 3 times a week. Not cause I'm clingy, but just cause it's fun hanging out! Am I spending too much time with them? I don't usually text a lot either.. Maybe a few messages at one point in the day. I have no idea what's going on here! There's many more men on this forum who have never had any physical contact with a woman. It's tough for a lot of guys. You're not in that rare of a spot.
manup Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hey guys, I'm starting to think I may have a problem here.. Or maybe I haven't met the right person? As for my backstory.. I'm a pretty cool guy. Currently in college right now (took a year off to go traveling/playing music which made some great experiences but came back). I have no problem socializing, joking around, and meeting new people. I'd say I'm a decent looking guy.. Maybe not your typical mr. handsome brad pitt clone, but I have decent features, dress well, exercise, and eat healthy. I've had no trouble dating in the past. Always had a great time, and we provided each other with mutual entertainment. However, I did not lose my virginity up until about 2 months ago (had sex with 2 women since then and both told me I was very good in bed). I think in the past this may have made me nervous to proceed further with women, resulting in them losing interest and moving on to someone else. I would say I'm one of the more popular guys and have a huge social circle. I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a girl friend either, but after being rejected so many times with such common lines as "I'm not looking for anything serious", "let's just be friends", and the common flake.. I can only wonder. Maybe I need to play hard to get or something? I'll usually hang out with whoever I'm talking to 2 or 3 times a week. Not cause I'm clingy, but just cause it's fun hanging out! Am I spending too much time with them? I don't usually text a lot either.. Maybe a few messages at one point in the day. I have no idea what's going on here! Sadly in today's twisted society instead of date>sex you should do the opposite. Straddle her a long tell her you're not sure if you want anything serious and then after awhile you can try to date her. There or always dating sites and pickup strategies as well.
verhrzn Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Maybe playing hard to get is the issue with you right now. From the way you describe yourself... traveling a lot, dating for the purpose of "mutual entertainment", not really pursuing things (out of nerves, but the women didn't know that), and being "popular"... you might come off as kind of a player. Maybe you're giving off this aura that you're just too cool and chill for a relationship. Especially if you're not making your intentions clear, girls are probably just following your lead. It seems like... if things get to a certain point between a guy and a girl, even if the guy says "Okay relationship" the girl is still gonna use a "casual" line. Why? Because she doesn't want to appear over-eager or clingy. I think some girls see it as kind of a test-like the guy is seeing just how much she's into him. I've said it before, if you're interested in a girl, make it known early, and try to steer as much towards "Relationship" territory as possible.
jobaba Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I've said it before, if you're interested in a girl, make it known early, and try to steer as much towards "Relationship" territory as possible. Agreed. One of those many illogical paradoxes of life I'll be on my deathbed contemplating.
Author Alex DeLarge Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Maybe playing hard to get is the issue with you right now. From the way you describe yourself... traveling a lot, dating for the purpose of "mutual entertainment", not really pursuing things (out of nerves, but the women didn't know that), and being "popular"... you might come off as kind of a player. Maybe you're giving off this aura that you're just too cool and chill for a relationship. Especially if you're not making your intentions clear, girls are probably just following your lead. It seems like... if things get to a certain point between a guy and a girl, even if the guy says "Okay relationship" the girl is still gonna use a "casual" line. Why? Because she doesn't want to appear over-eager or clingy. I think some girls see it as kind of a test-like the guy is seeing just how much she's into him. I've said it before, if you're interested in a girl, make it known early, and try to steer as much towards "Relationship" territory as possible. So you're saying I should let a girl know I'm looking for an LTR? Don't you think that may be a bit heavy if it's just the first 3 dates? Lol.. I was saying to a friend the other day that once I hear a girl say "I'm not looking for anything serious." I'm going to stand up, walk out, and have her pay the whole tab!
jobaba Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 So you're saying I should let a girl know I'm looking for an LTR? Don't you think that may be a bit heavy if it's just the first 3 dates? Lol.. I was saying to a friend the other day that once I hear a girl say "I'm not looking for anything serious." I'm going to stand up, walk out, and have her pay the whole tab! No. She's saying that if you find a girl attractive, that you should hit on her and let her know that you are romantically interested in the beginning. Instead of going the friends first route.
Nightsky Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I was wondering if you were going to be another guy on this forum who's never been kissed. Playing hard to get is silly. Just be yourself and don't worry about not having a serious gf yet.
Author Alex DeLarge Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 No. She's saying that if you find a girl attractive, that you should hit on her and let her know that you are romantically interested in the beginning. Instead of going the friends first route. I never usually do the friends first route.. Even then, I've had romantic sparks with female friends in the past. But it's usually the same old 2-3 weeks of casual dates then they are "busy" all the time or find someone else.
verhrzn Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I never usually do the friends first route.. Even then, I've had romantic sparks with female friends in the past. But it's usually the same old 2-3 weeks of casual dates then they are "busy" all the time or find someone else. "Casual." Notice how you keep throwing that word in. That's probably your issue right there... these girls have no concrete idea you want to date them, and are doing the honest thing of going "Oh well he's not into me" and cutting.
Professor X Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 "Casual." Notice how you keep throwing that word in. That's probably your issue right there... these girls have no concrete idea you want to date them, and are doing the honest thing of going "Oh well he's not into me" and cutting. You're right. @OP, yes, you should bring up that you want a LTR by the 3rd date. If you play it "cool" and "casual" - that's what the girl you're dating with will understand as your goal. And if they don't want the same goal - they'll walk away. I don't understand the logic of wanting LTR but acting and talking all casual - Do you not see the irony here?
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 You're right. @OP, yes, you should bring up that you want a LTR by the 3rd date. If you play it "cool" and "casual" - that's what the girl you're dating with will understand as your goal. And if they don't want the same goal - they'll walk away. I don't understand the logic of wanting LTR but acting and talking all casual - Do you not see the irony here? A LTR either happens or it doesn't. I don't see how discussing it by the 3rd date helps the process. In fact, after 3 dates you don't even know the person well enough to know what you want. "I don't know you, but I'd like to pursue a LTR with you." You have to keep things "cool" and "casual" in the beginning because that's what it is. What....you're going to be "serious" by the 3rd date? Dating is fun. Let's stop trying to make this some goal-oriented issue. Telling a person that you're seeking a LTR so early in the dating process makes it seem like you're more interested in having a relationship than having a relationship with the right person.
Professor X Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 A LTR either happens or it doesn't. I don't see how discussing it by the 3rd date helps the process. In fact, after 3 dates you don't even know the person well enough to know what you want. "I don't know you, but I'd like to pursue a LTR with you." You have to keep things "cool" and "casual" in the beginning because that's what it is. What....you're going to be "serious" by the 3rd date? Dating is fun. Let's stop trying to make this some goal-oriented issue. Telling a person that you're seeking a LTR so early in the dating process makes it seem like you're more interested in having a relationship than having a relationship with the right person. A 3rd date isn't so early for stuff like this and of course you gotta make your intentions clear, or else you risk getting hurt or being mislead cause you are thinking about LTR and the other person thinks about casual. And dating can become goal oriented, in fact, it is for many people. A lot of my friends (the female ones anyway) date for the sole purpose of meeting their future husband (so they say). You telling you haven't got a goal in dating? Isn't your goal to meet a person to be with? If you haven't got a goal, than you are just wanting something casual, which is fine, but it's not what others want. P.S. by the 3rd date you should already know what you want from the other person, hell, I always know it from the first date.
Necris Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hey guys, I'm starting to think I may have a problem here.. Or maybe I haven't met the right person? As for my backstory.. I'm a pretty cool guy. Currently in college right now (took a year off to go traveling/playing music which made some great experiences but came back). I have no problem socializing, joking around, and meeting new people. I'd say I'm a decent looking guy.. Maybe not your typical mr. handsome brad pitt clone, but I have decent features, dress well, exercise, and eat healthy. I've had no trouble dating in the past. Always had a great time, and we provided each other with mutual entertainment. However, I did not lose my virginity up until about 2 months ago (had sex with 2 women since then and both told me I was very good in bed). I think in the past this may have made me nervous to proceed further with women, resulting in them losing interest and moving on to someone else. I would say I'm one of the more popular guys and have a huge social circle. I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a girl friend either, but after being rejected so many times with such common lines as "I'm not looking for anything serious", "let's just be friends", and the common flake.. I can only wonder. Maybe I need to play hard to get or something? I'll usually hang out with whoever I'm talking to 2 or 3 times a week. Not cause I'm clingy, but just cause it's fun hanging out! Am I spending too much time with them? I don't usually text a lot either.. Maybe a few messages at one point in the day. I have no idea what's going on here! Dude 22 and never had a gf? You do not have anything to worry about from what I'm reading (playing hard to get is probably a bad idea as for rejection that's normal most guys get rejected more often then accepted), some guys like myself are in their 20s and have never even had physical contact with a woman (for me the closest contact I ever had was a hug) so don't worry you will probably find a gf soon.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I wouldn't worry too much about it at 22, you're still coming into your own and you're still picking up a lot of queues and understanding women at this point. I would say invest in the things you like to do and put women on the back burner and things will start to fall into place. A lot of guys think that because a guy is sociable and has a large social circle that It's much easier to find romance, while It's true that socializing definitely increases your chances and is a good thing, what some men fail to understand is there is a difference between the "social fun" guy and the "romantic interest" guy, and that has a lot to do with your personality and how you come off to women. This is always a hard question however to gauge what we don't know because It has a lot to do with your personality other than how you see yourself through your own eyes, so in this case socially you are one way however directly one on one with women you may be another. I could watch your interaction with women for 5 mins and get a world of information than from you describing yourself. I get the impression from what you're describing is you lack the ability to maintain a connection or hold woman's interest, they initially seem attracted to you or at least willing to give it a shot, but maybe you drag it out too long leaving her feeling like this is unexciting and a waste of time. You need to be able to maintain a woman's interest and make a move or she will kinda "get over it" because you're sitting on your hands too much. If you're just being this happy-go-lucky communicative guy, that might be fun for the initial process but their interest is not going to be peaked when its just the same thing over and over and now they're kinda knowing what to expect every time they see you, I don't think you change the dynamic or bring it up a notch in any way, which is why they're finding your predictable and just a nice social guy to hang out with from time to time but not romantic. Maybe you're also a little bit trigger shy when it comes interpersonal relationship versus a social setting, so maybe you're more comfortable around people than just one one one? Women like a man who knows what he's doing one on one and takes the initiative, however this is knowledge you'll gain with experience...some guys this comes to naturally others have to put a little bit of a fire under their own butt to make sure they don't fall off a woman's radar. Because no matter who you are, If you can't maintain a woman's interest she is going to move onto someone else during the initial process. They will invest a certain amount of time and give it a chance then just cut you off If you're not doing it for them, once they make that decision they don't go back on it so you have to avoid that. I could write forever on this topic but I'll just stop here... Bottom line: Increase your self-awareness around women as much as possible, evaluate what you may have done wrong, hell you can even ask and women will usually be honest with you, right now it's more important to learn than attract women. Be more assertive with women, don't come off and act like a friend/social guy, make a move, keep it interesting. Invest time in learning how to develop one on one relationships rather than just superficial social on the surface types, get to know someone, ask them questions, be interested in what they have to say instead of being the center of attention by joking around and making a good impression, this is good with men, not so good with women If that's all there is and nothing beyond that. 1
Sivok Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Wow Ninja, I couldn't agree with you more - especially the last part. It hits the nail right on the head for me. Social, funny guy but bad luck with women because I'm hesitant to 'go deeper' - both socially and physically. There's some good advice here OP, and as a single guy back into the dating scene, it isn't easy - at all. It takes alot of resilience to go through alot of dates and still not have the results you desire. It sucks, but in the end all you need is that one and once you got her, you'd realize it was worth it all along. Don't give up!
setsenia Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Don't worry, my H and my brother didn't have their first relationships until 22 and 23. I also have plenty of friends who have never been in a relationship either. You're far from abnormal, I can assure you.
Chubbi Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hey. I am 22 and never been in a relationship either or much physical contact. Almost all of my female/male friends are in the same boat. Unfortunately, college is very cliquish and people tend to date within their cliques and who they know. Even if they see an attractive person, they would still only date who they are already friends with. This goes away a lot as people get older, but in college, some people love to live in little social bubbles. If you do hang with the popular guys, be mindful that many of the girls who are getting to know you are actually just trying to get to know the guy that is the most handsome in your clique, and generally women will agree which guy is the most handsome.
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