Go for chemistry, comfort, or independence?

[RosietheRiveter]

I would appreciate some relationship advice. I'm a second year in college and twenty years old, and I'm trying to figure out what would be best for me as far as love, romance, and sex goes.

 

I go to a university with a pretty big party atmosphere, which was a LOT of fun in my first two quarters as a freshman. Dating and actual relationships are nowhere near as common as the hookup culture, predictably, and I loved being pursued by many different guys and getting a ton of attention. I went on dates and danced with guys at parties and all that sort of stuff, though ultimately I was interested in more substantial connections with people. I guess you could say I was looking for a relationship.

 

Anyway, I met a third-year guy we'll call Patrick. I was still I first-quarter freshman at this point. He was a leader in an outdoorsy club that my friend and I were members of. The club had a kind of frat/party/hookup feel to it since all the staffers were male and all the members were (mostly freshman) girls looking to flirt. Camping trips consisted of alcohol, drugs, and casual hookups. My friend was interested in Patrick before I was, and I tried to support her and play wingwoman, but she is naturally kind of reserved and quiet. Patrick invited me to come rock climbing and hottubbing with him, and I figured he was getting to know me to try to get closer to my friend. Turns out he was interested in me.

 

We had great chemistry, and a ton in common. Hobbi*es, political views, etc. We are from the same area, and would have these long, engaging conversations full of flirting, teasing, connecting, and getting to know each other. Things progressed way too fast (in retrospect). I ended up sleeping at his place almost every night for two weeks, though I never slept with him. He said all sorts of really sweet, romantic things, though I felt like it was definitely too soon. He referred to himself as my boyfriend, said he had been looking for someone like me, and said there was no rush to get physically intimate. He asked if he could get me anything to keep in his bathroom, like a toothbrush. We texted all day every day. Then all of a sudden he stopped contacting me, didnt respond to texts, completely disappeared from my life. I felt completely heartbroken and crushed. And it turned out that he went back to my friend again, for sex/casual hookups.

 

Later on that year I became involved with a new guy who was a freshman like me. We'll call him Tommy. We didnt have a ton in common, though we were both pre-med. I thought he was arrogant, and I did NOT like the politically and socially insensitive dialogue all his friends would engage in, especially toward women. He was very full of himself about his good grades and his athleticism, and I have to admit that I felt insecure and inferior in the areas of life that I thought mattered most to him. The things that I excel at and am proud of myself for didn;t seem to matter to him.

 

Patrick had contacted me saying he wanted to meet with me and explain himself/apologize for his earlier actions. I was cold at first, but after a couple weeks I took him up on the offer. Starting the relationship with Tommy had caused me to make many comparisons in my mind, and I found myself missing the chemistry I had with Patrick. When I met Patrick for coffee, he said that he had gone through a rough patch and found himself falling into relationship patterns too reminiscent to his old 4 year relationship. I still felt angry and distrustful, though I ended up spending a night at his house, even though I was technically dating Tommy. Patrick tried to initiate sex, and I freaked out a bit, saying “what happened to taking things slow like you said when we were dating?”

 

I didn;t see Patrick for a long time, though he would contact me every once in a while, asking to do something like go kayaking when we were both on break at home, or just asking how things are going or texting me when he got drunk and horny. I ended up dating Tommy for a year and half, and I saw Partick every once in a while throughout. The sex with Tommy was really good, and we developed real intimacy and comfort with each other. He lost that arrogance, though whenever he hung around his guy friends too much he would get a bit unpleasant. I still felt like we didnt really have intellectually stimulating conversations, and I was interested in politics and reading and getting involved in social justice issues. None of those interested him, and he preferred sports, hanging out with the guys, and crap TV shows to art, intellectualism, and the outdoorsy activities I like (for the most part).

 

We had some really great times, and we had a chemistry of our own, though I can't remember it ever rivaling what I felt with Patrick. But we would have huge, frequent fights often centered on the intrinsic differences between us. We think in different ways, value different things, and deal with problems differently. I hated how passive he was. We had moved in with each other very early too, and spent almost every night together for almost the entire time we were dating. He moved into a house of 6 guys at the start of our second year of college, and I hated the disrespectful, crude atmosphere, but I put up with it to sleep with him every night. I felt miserable and attacked and turned almost rabid feminist in response, desperate to prove to myself that its their behavior that's reprehensible, and that I wasn;t being hyper sensitive.

 

I felt uncomfortable almost always when we went out to the same parties, like I was stifled by him being there, even though he wouldnt do anything. Overall, Tommy was a pretty solid guy, and he was a good boyfriend. After two breakups that lasted less than a day, we finally ended things a couple weeks ago. We had both become bored and unexcited and far too domestic.

 

As soon as we broke up, I felt this huge weight off my shoulders, though of course I cried and mourned the end of what had been a good relationship, with many great times. I went out to party with my bestie (the one who had also had a thing with Patrick) that very night and had an absolute blast. I danced, though not with any guy who wanted to, and I caught up with a bunch of old friends. Everyone couldnt believe that I had broken up just that day. Whenever someone would try to corner me to talk about breakups I would brush them off and say “I just want to have fun!” Patrick just happened to text me at 11:30 that night, telling me to get over to his house for a party. I told him I didnt like it when he was sleazy and he said “I got that” and I was starting to feel a but down so I said “I could really use a friend” and his demeanor changed (via text...). He said that he wanted to be there for me as a friend if thats what I wanted. He said that he was too drunk at the moment but we should meet for lunch the next day if I wanted. “Invite Tommy if thats what it takes- I'm serious. I really want to see you.” I told him we had broken up and he said “Dont even get me started ” and “I'm too drunk to talk to you right now...”

 

I ended up asking him to come over to my apartment that night because I really couldn't face being alone. He said multiple times that he was really drunk and it would probably be a better idea to meet during the day, but I told him to some anyway. For the first hour and a half we just caught up, very hands-off and appropriate. He left around 3:30AM and I called him back and turned into a complete mess. I cried about Tommy and he held me and offered advice and told me about when he broke up from him 4-year relationship. He offered to sleep on the couch but I brought him to my room. He said he wanted to be there for me however I wanted/needed, but he didn't want to have sex and never see me again. Things did get pretty heated because we were both drunk, but we did not go too far.

 

I saw him pretty frequently for the next week, and he was hands-off for the most part. Though he would say things like “we need to get you a new mattress” and there was an implication that we would have some sort of relationship, though without expectations or complications. I ended up having sex with him less than a week later and it was amazing, though afterward I expected him to never contact me again based on what happened the first time we dated. But he kept in contact, and I spent a few more nights at his place, and he even drove me downtown when I had an errand to run.

The all of a sudden Tommy got really sick and I went over to help him out. He confessed that he wasnt sure what he wanted but felt heartbroken and wanted to be together with me again in a romantic way. It was upsetting to hear. Sine the breakup I had obviously had ups and downs, but overall I had felt great. My friendships had flourished, and I was going out late on the weekends and having fun, and I was getting more physically fit and doing so much productive work. I felt like hot ****, and suddenly I felt sexy and horny again. Then all of a sudden Tommy wanted me back. I still love him and care for him and enjoy his company, but there is no spark. There is deep connection and companionship love between us. We have had sex a couple times since then, and it has been really good, but not mind-melting passionate insanity like I feel with Patrick.

 

Now that I've tasted single life gain I don't want to give it up. I want to flirt and dance and have time for myself and feel passion and confidence and indepence. When I think of being with Tommy again, I feel no excitement. I dont want to see his friends or go to his house. But when he has spent the night a couple times we have felt so cozy and lovey-dovey and happy and content. And he looks at me with focus and wonder like he hadn't for so long. But I dont necessarily trust that it will last.

 

Not that I trust Patrick at all as far as reliability goes...

 

I have told all my feelings and doubts to Tommy and told him that I want us to date other people and experience that independence we said we needed when we broke up. I have basically told him that other guys have expressed interest in me and Tommy said that he has asked another girl on a date and has danced/kissed other girls as well.

 

But Tommy has said that he wants to wait for me to make up my mind about whether I want to be with him again, without looking around at other girls. As long as I'm an option, there will be no serious looking around for him, unless I take a really really long time to make up my mind, he said. And that he pretty much expects to hear that I've been considering dating/being with other guys. He wants to take me on dates and be there for me and give me the space/lack of pressure I need.

 

Patrick says what we have shouldnt be complicated but I'm always welcome over at his place, though he doesnt want to give up on his single room to spend nights with me and my roomate (the friend) because it would be awkward. I dont kno wif he is interested in turning it into a dating-type relationship.

 

I want something reliable and fun with a good degree of trust and I dont want to have an open relationship. I want dates. But I want a lot of time for me and my interests and my friends and my work. That's what I know.

 

So what do I do? Ditch them both and focus on myself? I don't want to lose that comfort and affection I have with Tommy but I want excitement like what I have with Patrick.

[norajane]

I want something reliable and fun with a good degree of trust

I want dates

I want a lot of time for me and my interests and my friends and my work.

 

Two of these things go together. One doesn't.

 

Why don't you try living your life without a guy for a while? Take that time for you and your interests and your friends and work. You'll likely meet a guy when you're living the life you want, a guy who fits better into that life you want than either of these guys you're so caught up in right now.

[veggirl]

JFC. You need to be single and NOT with EITHER of these guys. Tommy sounds like a jerk in his own way, Patrick in his.

 

You really need to work on the co-dependency issues you have. You need to learn how to DATE. As in, go on a date with a guy and have a great time, then go HOME. No insta-relationships where you spend the first 2 weeks, or the entire relationship, sleeping in his bed.

 

You'd really be best off not dating for a while.

 

WHY are you considering Tommy when you yourself say you have no passion and no spark with him? Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Or you're just soo needing a bed buddy that you will put up with that? Come on....basing a relationship on instant comfortability, knowing there are no sparks leads to one thing--affairs.

 

And Patrick is flat out telling you that he is not going to be a good boyfriend, probably not even A boyfriend to you. You are welcome to crash at his place when he has nothing else going on, you are welcome to come over when he is having a party or he is drunk and horny. He will spend spare time with you as long as he has nothing else better to do, bottomline. He's just happy you and Tommy broke up cause he has his admirer back.

 

You need to ditch both of them and be SINGLE. And the next time you do enter a relationship, you should do it much differently and work on slowing your roll....

[RosietheRiveter]

ouch.... can't say its not good advice though.

 

I am trying to move toward happy singledom because I CAN tell that its what would be best for me... I guess my problem is that I'm letting my fear/unfamiliarity with being alone dictate my actions. Its like I realized how good living just for myself is but then immediately decided "well, since I've figured out that its better to be independent, now I am ready to be in a relationship again and everything will be fine."

 

I feel ridiculous. I'm spending most nights in my own bed, which is GREAT, but I'm still completely wrapped up in having someone else.

[CarrieT]

Like others have said - try being single for a while. I think it would do you a world of good...

[veggirl]

It's lovely to be in a relationship, it really is. But not one of convenience (ex: you and Tommy!). You can want and look for a relationship, as long as you have FIRM boundaries set and don't just settle for the first person that comes along that will give you a relationship. It would do you well to figure out precisely what it is you want from a partner--and get to the point that you are okay with discarding and not getting invested in guys who do not fit that criteria. Find your non-negotiables, and don't be willing to push those aside just because a guy is hot or you have a "connection" or he showers you with compliments. A healthy, happy relationship is worth waiting for. Plus, you are only 20!

 

PS, please don't take offense. I didn't learn these lessons til I was like 25

[Leigh 87]

I did not learn these lessons until age 24 - 25 either. You cannot settle for less than ideal guys, because you have a desire to not be single.

 

 

WHy don't u take everything in your stride: learn from these past men in your life!

 

You already know:

 

- You like a guy you feel comfortable, safe, and solid with

 

- u like chemistry and passion

 

- lacking either one of those things leads to an undesirable relationship, but u tend to take it simply because relationships can be wonderful, better than being alone

 

 

You have learnt now, that it is better to be alone and wait for a guy who completes you, than to settle for a guy who is great, but is lacking in a ey area.

 

 

You are clever, attractive, and like to have fun with your friends. I am sure u have a lot of interest/hobbies and passions in life.

 

Enjoy being alone! U will MISS it some what when you have a relatinship, so enjoy it while u can!!!!

[Andy_K]

And Patrick is flat out telling you that he is not going to be a good boyfriend, probably not even A boyfriend to you. You are welcome to crash at his place when he has nothing else going on, you are welcome to come over when he is having a party or he is drunk and horny. He will spend spare time with you as long as he has nothing else better to do, bottomline. He's just happy you and Tommy broke up cause he has his admirer back.

 

That is totally not how I read it.

 

Patrick was/is crazy about her. He slept with her, without sex, every night for two weeks. Sure, he disappeared afterwards - he figured she wasn't really attracted to him and had been a cock tease for the last fortnight. He was feeling upset, rejected, and frustrated, like he'd been played like a fool!

 

Yet he was so into her he eventually decided he had to see her again, even if it meant her boyfriend being there too.

 

I don't think Partick will disappear on you again unless you screw with his head again. I think he deserves a real chance - Tommy has already had one.

[RosietheRiveter]

I wouldn't say that I was being a tease the first time around with Patrick... I was definitely willing to have sex with him and he knew that. He was the one saying there was no rush and that we have all the time in the world.

 

Argh it's messing with my head and its too soon after Tommy for me to be obsessing this much. Patrick said he wants to give me space if I need it, and that in my place he would need space... but I can't tell his level of interest. HUGE mixed messages.

 

He says stuff about how we'll have to maximize time on the weekends and how I should stay here for spring break but I dont trust anything long-term-ish that he says.

 

I really need to chill out and stop thinking about these guys and focus on myself. Hopefully then the mixed messages will be cleared up...

 

I wouldn't be jumping into something new so soon with just any guy. I've had this connection with Patrick all along, and I feel so strongly drawn to him. This is what I suspect: That Patrick really does care for me and enjoys my company but does not want anything complicated. Like, we would spend time together and have sex but not be dating or in a relationship. Basically, we would enjoy our connection whenever we have time, and not really change our schedules or plan anything together. And I don't think I would be OK with that arrangement.

Edited March 20, 2012 by RosietheRiveter
wanted to add something

[Andy_K]

It's not impossible, but very unusual for a guy who only wants sex from you to spend every night with you for two weeks without sex, and to be considerate of your space and where your head is at.

 

If that is really how you feel he's coming across though, then call his bluff. "I couldn't see us getting together unless it could genuinely go somewhere, not just hooking up every now and then. I look for more than that from the guys I date"

 

See what his reaction is.