make me believe Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 My BFF kinda set me up with my husband.. She had gotten to know him well by working with him for over a year and we've been best friends since we were kids, so she had a pretty good feeling about our compatability. She didn't tell HIM she was "setting us up" but she'd told him about me and vice versa, and I expressed interest in meeting him. So she invited him (and a bunch of other co-workers) out to the bar we were at one night, and that's how we met! I think being set up formally would be awkward and put too much pressure on the situation, but the way it happened with us was really casual and natural. If one of us turned out not to be interested in the other, it wouldn't have been awkward or put her in a bad position or anything. 1
sid3 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 ... and about the scaring men away. Two of the men I dated did say that I scared the crap out of them (they would admit this in their vulnerable moments). I don't know how I'm supposed to 'fix' that. Sounds like those two need to hand in their man cards. They get their period or something? Scary? Just stick with the "ooooooh that's a fast car" oh and look all distracted by anything shiny!...men won't admit it, but That's so Hot!!!
FitChick Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 My BFF kinda set me up with my husband. She didn't tell HIM she was "setting us up" I think this is key -- only one person or neither should be told they might be set up because they will be more self-conscious and not be themselves. Less awkward that way. If the person who knows doesn't like the set up , the other person need never know they were rejected. 1
Author RedRobin Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I don't expect backchecking in these situations. Perhaps that expectation is just not in line with what most people will do. Granted, if I *know* someone is problematic, I will say the issues sometimes or just not do the setup and if I don't know someone well, I won't pretend I do, but why is a background check necessary for a, "Hey you two may vibe -- have a conversation/dinner/whatever" suggestion. Also, I think using your friends intentionally as a dating service is odd. You cannot put so much pressure on them! Yes, we meet people through people, and that's lovely, but our friends aren't obligated to find us not only dates but compatible dates they've done background checks on! I think if you feel like this is not giving you "enough" dates to where a date is just a date and not a huge thing, you need to start looking to other outlets for additional dates. I've always done it fairly directly. "Hey, you might get on well with so-and-so," to both people, and then arranging a time where they can meet in a group setting with minimal pressure. Sometimes it led to a date, sometimes it didn't. No pressure. No worries. All friends can help you out with is the "meet." I can see how it would come across that way, especially since I was griping about specifically that My purpose in having friends is not so they can be my date-fixer-upper. I think I was just surprised at their lack of insight(?) for lack of a better word on the examples I gave. As far as other outlets... I've tried OLD. No 'dates' are better than that venue. I can see it would be great for hookups though... and things that pass as 'relationships'. If I get desperate, I know where to go. Yep.
Author RedRobin Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Sounds like those two need to hand in their man cards. They get their period or something? Scary? Just stick with the "ooooooh that's a fast car" oh and look all distracted by anything shiny!...men won't admit it, but That's so Hot!!! You read my other comment. I don't understand it, but it seems to be the case. for the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with men saying they are afraid or scared. We all are. I was just surprised. Plus, I'm trying to flex my style a little. I realize that a woman who knows how to fix cars (and likes it) isn't something alot of men are going to come across every day. That's all. Edited March 20, 2012 by RedRobin
zengirl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I can see how it would come across that way, especially since I was griping about specifically that My purpose in having friends is not so they can be my date-fixer-upper. I think I was just surprised at their lack of insight(?) for lack of a better word on the examples I gave. As far as other outlets... I've tried OLD. No 'dates' are better than that venue. I can see it would be great for hookups though... and things that pass as 'relationships'. If I get desperate, I know where to go. Yep. Well, FWIW, I met my hubby on OKC and many other real prospects that weren't hookups. I don't think my hubby and I have to "pass" as a relationship. I'm not saying OLD is for everyone in every area, but there are other outlets as well. Do you go up to guys and talk to new guys when you're out and about etc? If what you're doing isn't working, try something new!
Author RedRobin Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 You could change your age settings on dating sites among other settings. I did. On Eharmony, if I didn't include men more than 5 years older than me, I'd get some silly 'warning' message claiming that happy relationships occur up to 15 years older. I suspect it is because of the men's preferences who do OLD who are their paying customers... not anything from real life (albeit, that's the topic of MANY threads here). Sorry, I'm not here to meet the dating site's criteria and I sincerely doubt their statistics. Was there any correlations among your friends? I haven't asked them yet. Like I said, your E outshines their E/I Some guys are afraid of women who outshine them. I'm not trying to outshine them. That's the frustrating part. I say keep your options open. Working on that. Thanks!
Author RedRobin Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Well, FWIW, I met my hubby on OKC and many other real prospects that weren't hookups. I don't think my hubby and I have to "pass" as a relationship. I'm not saying OLD is for everyone in every area, but there are other outlets as well. Do you go up to guys and talk to new guys when you're out and about etc? If what you're doing isn't working, try something new! I agree. (about trying different things). I did the OLD thing long enough to see it's not working. You are younger than me. Different demographic.
zengirl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I agree. (about trying different things). I did the OLD thing long enough to see it's not working. You are younger than me. Different demographic. That's true, but there are loads of ways to meet people. When I said "Try something different!" it wasn't necessarily about OLD, for the record. Personally, I never had luck with friends setting me up, so even though I've set others up, I've never seen that as a great avenue for me. It sounds like it's been frustrating for you. Why not try something else: join groups, talk to men in public places and in those groups, try a dating service that isn't traditional online dating like a "Just for Lunch," participate in singles' activities around town, etc. Another option is, of course, try different sites. I'm not a fan of EHarmony either. But if you're closed to OLD at all - that's fine. Just accept that your friends may not be a viable source of your next BF, if things go the way they have.
Author RedRobin Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) That's true, but there are loads of ways to meet people. When I said "Try something different!" it wasn't necessarily about OLD, for the record. Personally, I never had luck with friends setting me up, so even though I've set others up, I've never seen that as a great avenue for me. It sounds like it's been frustrating for you. Why not try something else: join groups, talk to men in public places and in those groups, try a dating service that isn't traditional online dating like a "Just for Lunch," participate in singles' activities around town, etc. Another option is, of course, try different sites. I'm not a fan of EHarmony either. But if you're closed to OLD at all - that's fine. Just accept that your friends may not be a viable source of your next BF, if things go the way they have. Oops! I reread your prior post just now. I could go on with all of the things I've tried. I get plenty of attention from men IRL. Usually much younger or much older or married men my own age. I'm pretty much invisible to single men close to my age where I live. So, I am moving. Actually, spending time here on LS is more-or-less delaying that next step. I'm sad to have to move. You can see I've gotten pretty well established with my friends, etc. I feel I"ve tried everything else... and this is the next logical step. Sadly. ... and not trying to sound pathetic. Alot of times I just scratch my head and wonder what people are really thinking. All the guys who claim that women just want their money, or need to have a higher education, or be taller, or have a full head of hair, or whatever they claim it is women want... well, I guess they've never tried meeting me because I've never had that as criteria. I screen based on character. #1. That's in short supply at any age. Edited March 20, 2012 by RedRobin
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