Best way to set friends up

[RedRobin]

Ok... I've tried my hand at this a couple of times...setting up my male and female friends for dates. None of them have worked out in a relationship, but a couple of them did get to know each other a little better...and I'm still friends with all of them, so things must be going ok with me as 'social coordinator'. I haven't gotten any complaints about either person's behavior... so that certainly makes me feel good about the quality of my friends overall.

 

Problem comes when my friends try to set ME up.

 

Twice I had friends set me up where they did practically ZERO backchecking on the guy. The first one was a nightmare. Way too young, which wasn't the main problem. It was that he ended up being pretty mean. I had my doubts about my friend's judgment that they'd even hang out with people like him TBH. He's pretty much alienated everyone now though... and my friends don't even hang out with him much.

 

Second one was ok. We ended up dating for a few months. Turned out he had a bit of a drinking problem. He was the 'happy' drunk. Musician. (sorry musicians... it is kind of a job risk, isn't it?). Again, not much backchecking about HIM. They certainly were ok answering lots of question about me to him though. :mad: I don't keep in touch with mr. musician... but I still have my friends who set us up. Mr. Musician moved out of town and doesn't keep in contact with anyone, or so I hear.

 

Flash forward... my older married friend set me up, or tried to set me up with someone he knows recently. I asked if he was single, and he told me he was.

 

So, he sets me up... then later when things get weird I told my friend I didn't think he was interested... he said 'maybe he has a girlfriend'.

 

WTF?!!!!!

 

I'm kind of annoyed now. Is this just generational... bad manners... lazy?

 

When you recommend someone to a friend, don't you consider it to be even a little bit of an obligation to check their character and dating status?

 

Keep in mind that I don't do OLD. I'm sticking to people I meet IRL and through friends/family so it's not like I've got stacks of dates lined up.

 

... so now you have some background...

 

what do you think is the best way to meet someone for the first time if through friends?

 

Would you

a) invite them both to a party and see if they click?

b) give them each other's phone numbers?

c) send him a pic?

d) invite both to coffee/lunch?

 

I'm also thinking about throwing a dinner party for some of my friends and inviting couple of single guys I've had my eye on for awhile. Or telling my friends that I'll supply the food, and they can invite a single male friend of theirs.

Edited March 20, 2012 by RedRobin

[somedude81]

While I have never been set up by any of my friends, male or female, this is how I think it may work with girl.

 

Female friend/acquaintance of mine has a female friend that is looking. Both of us are invited to some function and are introduced to each other.

 

Maybe a Female friend/acquaintance has a friend of a friend who is single and that may also work.

[Nightsky]

I wouldn't set friends up. Let them set themselves up if they meet at a party or what ever. At most I'd give them an oportunity to meet but not at all say you guys go out. If some one asked me to set them up I'd be like "I don't do that."

[FitChick]

I agree that a group meet is better. No pressure. If someone is interested in someone there they will either approach or ask you for more info later.

[jobaba]

I find when most people try to set others up, they tend to focus on fixing up people who are in the same 'league' or looks hierarchy. Other factors almost seem inconsequential after that.

 

On the other hand, my buddy's wife has tried to set me up with everybody under the sun. And some of her friends are HOT. But she knows they're good gals and would give me a chance, or I should say would have. They're all hitched now.

 

So it really matters more about what kind of person YOU are after. In other words, if you want tall, and good looking and nothing less, then don't have your friends bother bringing on random dudes. Or tell them that's what you want, and then they can shop for that.

[FitChick]

Interesting article about that very subject. Find Mr Right: Sara asked her mother, brother and best friend to pick her the perfect date | Mail Online

[jerbear]

what do you think is the best way to meet someone for the first time if through friends?

Parties at home and get togethers.

 

Would you

a) invite them both to a party and see if they click?

Good idea. Why not have an open house party? People come and go during the day.

 

b) give them each other's phone numbers?

No, you should ask the people's permission before giving it out. I was not happy when my friend gave my number out to a girl, so he could avoid confrontation with her.

 

c) send him a pic?

No, don't do this.

d) invite both to coffee/lunch?

Good idea, it would be like hanging out.

 

I'm also thinking about throwing a dinner party for some of my friends and inviting couple of single guys I've had my eye on for awhile. Or telling my friends that I'll supply the food, and they can invite a single male friend of theirs.

Good idea.

[RedRobin]

Thanks everyone!

 

Looks like the getting people together in a group setting of some sort seems to be the winner.

 

All three situations I mentioned did start with a group get together. I guess they were on their best behavior that day

 

In the future, I think I'll just have to find a way to ask my friends more questions about their acquaintances before getting too excited about any one of them. I realize that it is a two way street.

 

I think too, that I was a little disappointed in that, I really thought it meant something that my friends would recommend ME to someone. Turns out, they don't put alot of thought into it

 

That's depressing. When I set someone up, it is because I think they share similar values and relationship goals. I don't even begin to worry about 'chemistry'. Noone has a clue about that and it's a mystery anyway.

 

Notice I didn't comment on the men's looks, height, money, or anything else. Just character and dating status/goals. That's it.

 

Perhaps my friends think relationships are all about looks/money too? I know that for some it is.

 

Ah... ok. There it is.... (light bulb going on over my head). I understand why their picking skills (for me) are off.

 

Back to the drawing board...

[RedRobin]

Interesting article about that very subject. Find Mr Right: Sara asked her mother, brother and best friend to pick her the perfect date | Mail Online

 

I just read the article...

 

Tom would have been my very last or no pick. The arrogant and above it all look in the pic would have been a deal breaker right there.

 

I'm bummed to admit that some women are attracted to 'charisma' more than substance. The following up with a 'passionate kiss' wouldn't have sealed ANY deal for me if his earlier demeanor was one of cockiness. Oh, and after looking at the pic of this woman's female friend...I definately think Tom is an orbiter of her female friend.

 

Either of the first two would have done it for me. Especially the first one. At least his smile looks genuine. I realize that the people writing the article did a bit of manipulation on the pics though, so who knows how they are in real life.

 

Her mom knows her better than she knows herself and seems to have a history of having and keeping a loving relationship. It's too bad she didn't give guy #1 more of a chance.

 

This woman is making the classic mistakes in finding a life-partner. That's just my 0.02.

[sid3]

Yeah Tom looked like a bit of a douche. And what's up with the friends picture, is that a come hither look. No wonder Fifty Shades of Grey is selling so many copies. Its not a jungle out there, its a zoo!!!

[jerbear]

That's depressing. When I set someone up, it is because I think they share similar values and relationship goals. I don't even begin to worry about 'chemistry'. Noone has a clue about that and it's a mystery anyway.

The mad scientist in me wants to see what happens when you put two Type A's together, a Type A & B, and Two B's. Better Meyers Brigg and make sure all four letters are different.

 

Perhaps my friends think relationships are all about looks/money too? I know that for some it is.

Money can help refine one's look. There are style consultants that can do wonders almost like changing your aura, making you more approachable. Amazing how colors, stance, designs can make someone's visual appeal.

 

Now substance... I'll just say, no matter how well you polish a turd, it is still a turd.

[jerbear]

Yeah Tom looked like a bit of a douche. And what's up with the friends picture, is that a come hither look. No wonder Fifty Shades of Grey is selling so many copies. Its not a jungle out there, its a zoo!!!

Funny!

[RedRobin]

I find when most people try to set others up, they tend to focus on fixing up people who are in the same 'league' or looks hierarchy. Other factors almost seem inconsequential after that.

 

On the other hand, my buddy's wife has tried to set me up with everybody under the sun. And some of her friends are HOT. But she knows they're good gals and would give me a chance, or I should say would have. They're all hitched now.

 

So it really matters more about what kind of person YOU are after. In other words, if you want tall, and good looking and nothing less, then don't have your friends bother bringing on random dudes. Or tell them that's what you want, and then they can shop for that.

 

I'm looking for honest, reasonably close to my age, takes decent care of himself and is responsible with the things in his care. Oh, and is also looking for a committed relationship.

 

Those men are usually taken for all of the reasons I just mentioned.

 

There are just as many men (if not more) who only care about looks/youth and don't value substance...or who treat intimate relationships as a power play/blood sport. I've dumped many of them in my travels.

 

So now I'm trying to get my friends to dig a little deeper before sending a guy my way... but I think I'm expecting too much of them. I should be grateful they want to try at all... The 'digging' is part of dating, I guess.

 

I hate 'dating'. I'm envious of my parents and other family members, TBH. They married when they were young and are still together.

[RedRobin]

The mad scientist in me wants to see what happens when you put two Type A's

together, a Type A & B, and Two B's. Better Meyers Brigg and make sure all

four letters are different.

 

I know, right?? The men I've been attracted to is all over the map. In case anyone is wondering, I've been tested as an ENTP... Not a strong 'E', have gone back and forth on the I and E. Balancing the T and F has been my greatest life challenge

 

 

Money can help refine one's look. There are style consultants that can do wonders almost like changing your aura, making you more approachable. Amazing how colors, stance, designs can make someone's visual appeal.

 

Now substance... I'll just say, no matter how well you polish a turd, it is

still a turd.

 

There is another thing. My 'look' is all over the place too. I don't have too many troubles being approached. I think my overall 'aura' swings from vulnerable and prone to being approached by jerks... to perhaps overconfident and scaring men away. Haven't found the balance yet.

[Emilia]

 

So now I'm trying to get my friends to dig a little deeper before sending a guy my way... but I think I'm expecting too much of them. I should be grateful they want to try at all... The 'digging' is part of dating, I guess.

 

I hate 'dating'. I'm envious of my parents and other family members, TBH. They married when they were young and are still together.

 

Crikey you sound like a nightmare friend! Just socialise, go out with your friends' friends and talk to guys. Take responsibility for your choices, date whom you want or don't date. What's this nonsense about other people doing the hard work for you and offering you princes on a silver plate?

 

Yeah, I can see why you would want to get all comfortable in some LTR.

[RedRobin]

Crikey you sound like a nightmare friend! Just socialise, go out with your friends' friends and talk to guys. Take responsibility for your choices, date whom you want or don't date. What's this nonsense about other people doing the hard work for you and offering you princes on a silver plate?

 

Yeah, I can see why you would want to get all comfortable in some LTR.

 

I offer them princes/princesses too. It's not all one way.

 

I have and am taking responsibility for my choices. Starting with my choice to move to a different location where there might be more single (relatively) healthy people.

 

Getting all comfortable has been a very good life choice for many people I know. They are happily enjoying their 'comfortable' lives with someone who cares about them... Sounds pretty good to me. Yep.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I noticed that when women have tried to set me up they invite me to a social type occasion or like a small get-together, and then I get this like noticeable emphasis on a particular friend and feel a little awkwardly pressed into talking to that person or she tries to have this friend around in hopes that I'll click and start talking to them.

 

I'm a respectful guy, I'm not going to be rude and just ignore her and I'll make conversation, but If she's not my type then I'm not going to ask for her number or push it...wish puts me in an uncomfortable position because I know I'm going to get asked what I thought and It's going to get back round to this friend which kinda sucks because I don't want to say I wasn't interested and she wasn't my type but I will. Then I feel all bad, because It wasn't that there was anything "wrong" with her, just wasn't for me.

 

I'm not really sure how much thought goes into it either, sometimes I think It's just an exciting thing for people to try and set others up...I really don't know because personally I can't see myself trying to set two people up, sometimes there is two people who have very strong similar interest and I guess in that situation I'd introduce them to talk about their interest in a very casual setting but I'd scheme and do no more than that. Plus I'd feel kinda responsible If the **** hit the fan and I don't really want to get involved in any drama.

 

I'd rather be informed that I'm going to be "setup" for one, and two I'd rather not feel pressured into something happening...It should be really casual and IF anything progresses It should be voluntarily and just chemistry. However there are certain people who are extremely shy that would need to be pitted against each other to communicate like Roosters in a cockfighting match.

[RedRobin]

I noticed that when women have tried to set me up they invite me to a social type occasion or like a small get-together, and then I get this like noticeable emphasis on a particular friend and feel a little awkwardly pressed into talking to that person or she tries to have this friend around in hopes that I'll click and start talking to them.

 

I'm a respectful guy, I'm not going to be rude and just ignore her and I'll make conversation, but If she's not my type then I'm not going to ask for her number or push it...wish puts me in an uncomfortable position because I know I'm going to get asked what I thought and It's going to get back round to this friend which kinda sucks because I don't want to say I wasn't interested and she wasn't my type but I will. Then I feel all bad, because It wasn't that there was anything "wrong" with her, just wasn't for me.

 

I'm not really sure how much thought goes into it either, sometimes I think It's just an exciting thing for people to try and set others up...I really don't know because personally I can't see myself trying to set two people up, sometimes there is two people who have very strong similar interest and I guess in that situation I'd introduce them to talk about their interest in a very casual setting but I'd scheme and do no more than that. Plus I'd feel kinda responsible If the **** hit the fan and I don't really want to get involved in any drama.

 

I'd rather be informed that I'm going to be "setup" for one, and two I'd rather not feel pressured into something happening...It should be really casual and IF anything progresses It should be voluntarily and just chemistry. However there are certain people who are extremely shy that would need to be pitted against each other to communicate like Roosters in a cockfighting match.

 

Your post made me smile, because yes... I've had that happen and have been guilty of it myself. (DOH! slap to the head)

 

Especially funny is your last statement. You wonder if they are more like Panda bears. Could stick them both in a cage together with noone else around and they'd still fail to reproduce.

[counterman]

Best way I reckon is to introduce them to each other at a social event and then disappear to leave them together. I've never been set up by any of my friends though. Most of my guy friends don't date, so if they do meet a girl, why would they set her up with me? Some girl friends who are single want to keep me there as an option, so they are very reluctant to set me up with one of their friends; they get really feisty when I ask them to set me up.

 

I wish I was set up constantly with girls I would be compatible with and attracted to.

[RedRobin]

I was going to add to my last post...but Counterman jumped in!

 

Edited: And this is why I'm careful who I try to set up. I'd like to think I'm more like the woman's mom in the story above. I have a sense of their personalities and goals... not just the outward 'chemistry'. I know what my friends are like when their guard is down. What makes them happy and sad... what makes them strong or fearful. Those things I take into account too.

 

Too many people are looking for an instant spark based on hormones. They make the mistake the woman made picking 'Tom'. And the men make the same mistakes in reverse. It wouldn't kill anyone to go on a few dates to see if something grows... unless they find the person utterly repulsive. Yea, that would be a negative. But I really don't get the need for instant attraction. The times I've gone with that 'feeling' were a disaster.

 

Counterman,

I think our culture has given our friends/family a way out of their former role helping match people. Before OLD, everyone met through social networks, which I greatly prefer.

 

I can't change the world, but I can do my part.

 

After reading people's comments, I will find a way to fine tune my approach to helping my friends and will also take/give some coaching to my friends who sincerely are trying to help me too. I really am very fortunate that they care about me that way. Will do my best not to wear out my welcome in that regard.

[fortyninethousand322]

I wish my friends would try to set me up...

[jerbear]

You wonder if they are more like Panda bears. Could stick them both in a cage together with noone else around and they'd still fail to reproduce.

Hey I resent that!

 

I know, right?? The men I've been attracted to is all over the map. In case anyone is wondering, I've been tested as an ENTP... Not a strong 'E', have gone back and forth on the I and E. Balancing the T and F has been my greatest life challenge

I noticed all my ex's were N's with differences in the other three, E/I, J/P, T/F.

 

There is another thing. My 'look' is all over the place too. I don't have too many troubles being approached. I think my overall 'aura' swings from vulnerable and prone to being approached by jerks... to perhaps overconfident and scaring men away. Haven't found the balance yet.

Scaring men away, you probably don't want them. Your E might really override their I.

[RedRobin]

Hey I resent that!

 

I noticed all my ex's were N's with differences in the other three, E/I, J/P, T/F.

 

Scaring men away, you probably don't want them. Your E might really override their I.

 

Hmmm. That's interesting. I'll have to start asking my married friends what their MB types are and see if there is any corrolation. Some of the dating sites (Eharmony, etc) try to do that I think. When I tried Eharmony, there were very few matches. And the ones that were, wanted someone younger. They kept matching me with men up to 15 years older. I wasn't going to keep paying those $$ to do what I could do for free just about anywhere... ie troll my 'youth' out.

 

... and about the scaring men away. Two of the men I dated did say that I scared the crap out of them (they would admit this in their vulnerable moments). I don't know how I'm supposed to 'fix' that. It is frustrating, really. Especially when it's the parts I like most about myself tend to be the parts that alot of men find so 'scary'. Wish I knew what to do about that while remaining true to myself and them. The best I get is evo-psych garbly-gook and masculine/feminine gender war arguments about women being 'soft' and men being 'strong'.... and we're all supposed to be in a cookie-cutter box.

 

Haven't figured that out yet. Going through my friends seems to be the best bet... as in... she's not scary!! Much.

[zengirl]

Twice I had friends set me up where they did practically ZERO backchecking on the guy.

 

I don't expect backchecking in these situations. Perhaps that expectation is just not in line with what most people will do. Granted, if I *know* someone is problematic, I will say the issues sometimes or just not do the setup and if I don't know someone well, I won't pretend I do, but why is a background check necessary for a, "Hey you two may vibe -- have a conversation/dinner/whatever" suggestion.

 

Also, I think using your friends intentionally as a dating service is odd. You cannot put so much pressure on them! Yes, we meet people through people, and that's lovely, but our friends aren't obligated to find us not only dates but compatible dates they've done background checks on! I think if you feel like this is not giving you "enough" dates to where a date is just a date and not a huge thing, you need to start looking to other outlets for additional dates.

 

what do you think is the best way to meet someone for the first time if through friends?

 

I've always done it fairly directly. "Hey, you might get on well with so-and-so," to both people, and then arranging a time where they can meet in a group setting with minimal pressure. Sometimes it led to a date, sometimes it didn't. No pressure. No worries. All friends can help you out with is the "meet."

[jerbear]

Hmmm. That's interesting. I'll have to start asking my married friends what their MB types are and see if there is any corrolation. Some of the dating sites (Eharmony, etc) try to do that I think. When I tried Eharmony, there were very few matches. And the ones that were, wanted someone younger. They kept matching me with men up to 15 years older. I wasn't going to keep paying those $$ to do what I could do for free just about anywhere... ie troll my 'youth' out.

You could change your age settings on dating sites among other settings.

 

Was there any correlations among your friends?

 

... and about the scaring men away. Two of the men I dated did say that I scared the crap out of them (they would admit this in their vulnerable moments). I don't know how I'm supposed to 'fix' that. It is frustrating, really. Especially when it's the parts I like most about myself tend to be the parts that alot of men find so 'scary'. Wish I knew what to do about that while remaining true to myself and them. The best I get is evo-psych garbly-gook and masculine/feminine gender war arguments about women being 'soft' and men being 'strong'.... and we're all supposed to be in a cookie-cutter box.

Like I said, your E outshines their E/I Some guys are afraid of women who outshine them.

 

Haven't figured that out yet. Going through my friends seems to be the best bet... as in... she's not scary!! Much.

I say keep your options open.