youngster Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) Im done pining over you. I'm over placing you on a pedestal. I'm done hoping. I feel so f-ing stupid for romanticizing our break up like you had no f-ing choice, you false hope giving b!tch. Yes I am angry. And I hate me right now. I hate what I've become. I am walking away with a jaded heart and cynical asterisk On what I thought we had. I hope you get what you deserve. You are dead to me. Day 1 Edited March 19, 2012 by youngster 4
Author youngster Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Back from the gym, back from conversations with God. I pray for the strength to forgive myself. Forgiveness for holding onto false hope, for placing you on a pedestal, for secretly looking at your online activity, defending your actions to my family, and for being so foolish. I believed in what we had. I pray for the strength to forgive you for giving me hope, for breaking my heart, for cheating on me. I pray for the strength to rise above vengeance. I wonder if my pride and ego were this twisted before I met you. If they were, the silver lining of it all is perhaps I can work on fixing issues within myself for my own sake. 1
Moonless sky Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Back from the gym, back from conversations with God. I pray for the strength to forgive myself. Forgiveness for holding onto false hope, for placing you on a pedestal, for secretly looking at your online activity, defending your actions to my family, and for being so foolish. I believed in what we had. I pray for the strength to forgive you for giving me hope, for breaking my heart, for cheating on me. I pray for the strength to rise above vengeance. I wonder if my pride and ego were this twisted before I met you. If they were, the silver lining of it all is perhaps I can work on fixing issues within myself for my own sake. Keep your head up, I too am experiencing this right now, I get really mad or really sad. You can do this, you can fight for a better life now. 2
Author youngster Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I woke up feeling down today. She's in my head a lot more, but I continue to repeat F-you, you're dead to me. On the way to work I was cursing the universe for the "signs" that I saw which kept hope alive, but quickly checked myself. I am a believer in the laws of attraction and do not want to let some broken woman ruin my life any further than she already has by projecting negative energy around myself. No sooner i changed my thought process, i saw another subtle sign that made me crack a slight smile. I hate to admit it, but I still feel like something is there. I can finally entertain the idea of saying I wouldn't take her back, but I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something good is going to happen.
worldgonewrong Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 R.I.P Youngster's Ex. :lmao: crying from laughing!!!
Author youngster Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 One day at a time.. I'll chop it up into half days if I have to. Hell, hours minutes seconds. What ever it takes, I will get over you. I will stop loving you, find my self sustaining peace and become indifferent toward you. You are dead to me.
CopingGal Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) Youngster, I'm following your lead. My ex is dead to me too....dead and cremated...which may not be so far off because he is a very sick man. But he's dead to me. He is no longer on this earth. He has no facebook page, no job, no home, no nothing, because he is dead to me. That's the way I want to think of him. In my mind, I'll gather up his ashes and throw them into the savannah pits in Africa where the elephants put their dung. Edited March 21, 2012 by CopingGal
Whisky1981 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I`ve been cheated on too. The pain lasted for a month then I just said b*tch you are dead to me, you disgust me for all the lies and cheating you`ve put me trough. You`ll get what you deserve one day. Since then I have given up all hope to reconciliate and I started my new life centered on myself...hang in there you will get over this. I did and its been only 3 and a half months. Would never live with or even look at such a person again.
Author youngster Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) This slip has set me back a bit, but I know that I am much stronger and quite frankly fed up with feeling crappy about some broad who was too emotionally shallow to cope with pain or responsibilities in her own life that she had to drag me into it and use me like a bandaid. I am no longer crying. That well of tears seems to be drying up and being replaced with anger. I embrace it, using it to move past her. How very naive of me to believe that her being a different (better) person when we were alone was something special. I bought into this stock that she was the one since I saw her like nobody else saw her. Ironically I still see her in a way no one will because I can see her conniving, selfish, cowardly ways. When we broke up, she practically placed my rosey ray bans over my eyes before leaving to be with her ex, but I can no longer stare in admiration at the idea she wanted me to see her as. WilsonX said in a thread once "they leave how they came" or something to that affect. It is so true. For this I partly blame myself. I chose to ignore some key signs which lead me to being a rebound. I am at the accecptance stage and working on forgiveness. Coping Gal I like the visual of releasing the ashes of a once loved lost. When a bitter memory comes up, I am mentally lashing out with "eff you, you're dead to me!" and I will try to visualize spreading the ashes of the girl I thought I knew into the wind. All of the songs, quotes, shows, places to eat, kisses, smells, tastes, smiles, all of the ingredients that made this idea of a good person - a person that I loved and cared so deeply about, I will set free. Hopefully this love and positive energy can be put to better use than pining over a ghost. Whiskey Thanks for the words of encouragement. Im around the 3.5 month mark of the BU but admit that my healing process has severely been delayed due to watching her online activity. We have been NC but I've beem scrounging for my own sort of breadcrumbs, validation that she misses me as much as I miss her. This isn't the case. I have had selected hearing on what was a "sign" and what wasn't. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. I too will no longer willingly put myself in a situation like this. I recently met a nice girl who I learned was just getting out of a long relationship where her ex "screwed her over" I was able to see the red flags and made a dash for the nearest exit. I refuse to be anyone's bandaid again. Edited March 21, 2012 by youngster
Author youngster Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 I hate how difficult this is. I'm sure there is always two parties to a breakup where one feels like they one and the other loses. Though I may not see it now, I know that I am not the victim, I am the victor.
Moonless sky Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I hate how difficult this is. I'm sure there is always two parties to a breakup where one feels like they one and the other loses. Though I may not see it now, I know that I am not the victim, I am the victor. Geez, I feel this exact way!!! Pisses me off, I'm the "loser" in this as he has a victory dance and is happy to not be with me. I believe in a little thing called it'll come back to them. This happiness they may have will not last. I feel like I'm not the victim either, he makes me feel like I'm the one that fricking did all this pain!! Ugh!
sweetheart5381 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Geez, I feel this exact way!!! Pisses me off, I'm the "loser" in this as he has a victory dance and is happy to not be with me. I believe in a little thing called it'll come back to them. This happiness they may have will not last. I feel like I'm not the victim either, he makes me feel like I'm the one that fricking did all this pain!! Ugh! Oh ya, the happiness will end for them My ex did his absolute best to push it all back on me, to shame me into thinking "If I had have only given him his space he wouldn't have broken up with me" (while he was cold and treated me like a stranger because he wanted to sleep with other girls). He had the audacity to say "He had to do what he did" and "he hoped I would understand someday" when he requested friendship after I went NC for 3 weeks... his crazy guilt trip didn't work. He used lame lines to try to justify playing with me heart and using me to boost his ego. I made it very clear a week ago that his playing me days are over. No friendship, a true friend would never, ever shut someone out and be cruel the way he did. Unforgivable. Since then, when he has seen me at work he has literally dropped a plate of food at lunch, tripped over a garbage can, and physically pulls at his collar everytime he sees me. Sad thing is, I actually feel embarassed for him! They get what's coming to them, trust me. The best part is that I am just fine, self-esteem well intact with no guilt... too bad his isn't in such good shape considering his "happy" front a few weeks ago. Oh well... he can make his own happiness, just as I have
Moonless sky Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Oh ya, the happiness will end for them My ex did his absolute best to push it all back on me, to shame me into thinking "If I had have only given him his space he wouldn't have broken up with me" (while he was cold and treated me like a stranger because he wanted to sleep with other girls). He had the audacity to say "He had to do what he did" and "he hoped I would understand someday" when he requested friendship after I went NC for 3 weeks... his crazy guilt trip didn't work. He used lame lines to try to justify playing with me heart and using me to boost his ego. I made it very clear a week ago that his playing me days are over. No friendship, a true friend would never, ever shut someone out and be cruel the way he did. Unforgivable. Since then, when he has seen me at work he has literally dropped a plate of food at lunch, tripped over a garbage can, and physically pulls at his collar everytime he sees me. Sad thing is, I actually feel embarassed for him! They get what's coming to them, trust me. The best part is that I am just fine, self-esteem well intact with no guilt... too bad his isn't in such good shape considering his "happy" front a few weeks ago. Oh well... he can make his own happiness, just as I have I'm glad you confirmed this, because they are always high and mighty in the beginning until they realize "wow, I am alone" or whatever it is. My ex is really getting to me and making me feel crazy sometimes, like you he's trying to get in my head to blame only me. Sick. Youngster--keep fighting and keep coming back here to write when you need to we are all here since we've all experienced this or are right now. 2
Sugarkane Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Im done pining over you. I'm over placing you on a pedestal. I'm done hoping. I feel so f-ing stupid for romanticizing our break up like you had no f-ing choice, you false hope giving b!tch. Yes I am angry. And I hate me right now. I hate what I've become. I am walking away with a jaded heart and cynical asterisk On what I thought we had. I hope you get what you deserve. You are dead to me. Day 1 I liek this post so much I want to double like it. 3
Author youngster Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 I think our ex's display similar characteristics when it comes to mistreating the one they supposedly cared for, but unfortunately for me, I was a rebound. It takes a lot to admit, and took a lot to realize, but it's part of the healing process. Saying that, it's a little harder for me to believe that she'll look back and realize what she lost since she went back with the father of her child. I must work on convincing myself that this isn't necessarily a bad thing for me. I still do believe that I will "win" in the long run, because I will end up with someone whom I deserve and share a mutual respect/love for. She may also "lose" due to the fact that whatever drove her away from him, most likely still lingers and may weigh heavy on them in the long run. However this is none of my concern. I must rid mylife of anything pertaining to her and concentrate on myself. Funny how much I dwell on someone that I consider dead to me... It's that thin line between love and hate that I find myself trying to walk. I've been waking up for the past few mornings in a state of melancholy but I am able to shake it off a bit by the time I get to work. It also seems like I am building a tolerance to my, "You're dead to me" antidote since the idea of her seems to linger after saying it. I'm thinking of adding "she never truly loved you" in the mix. Maybe if I get used to hearing that, the reality won't sting as much in time. Im surprised how resilient hope can be. After all of the pain I expose myself to, and as much as truth smacks me in the face, deep down I still love and care deeply for her, and entertain the idea of her reciprocating those feelings toward me. As dangerous and detrimental as it is to my well being, I am reluctant to dismiss it. Hope seems like such a beautiful thing to be able to rest on. I find solace from the storm, if only for a minute, when I allow myself to believe that everything happens for a reason. **side note- my apologies for any grammatical/spelling errors in my posts. I really need to proof read prior to hitting the submit button. I come to LS trying to purge the emotion out and it can get a bit messy sometimes. Autocorrect doesn't help either ** 1
Author youngster Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 The fellas at work are bragging about their hayday. The talk about women like they are trophies. Not saying that I've never partaken in this sort of activity, but today is just not a day that I want to hear it. I want love. I want romance. I want companionship. I want trust and vulnerability. I want someone to be equally proud of. Crap, help me, LS'ers I think those rose colored glasses slipped over my eyes today. 1
worldgonewrong Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 However this is none of my concern. Interesting you stated this, as (prior to reading this) these similar words have been like a mantra to me in relation to my ex: you're not my concern.
marqueemoon4 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Interesting you stated this, as (prior to reading this) these similar words have been like a mantra to me in relation to my ex: you're not my concern. funny.. when every single thing in my existence was blowing up, one after another while I could just stand back in horror with nothing to do to stop it.. all because my exW decided to leave.. her response was "thats none of my concern". nothing was her concern, I might add, for 8 years except HERSELF.
worldgonewrong Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 funny.. when every single thing in my existence was blowing up, one after another while I could just stand back in horror with nothing to do to stop it.. all because my exW decided to leave.. her response was "thats none of my concern". nothing was her concern, I might add, for 8 years except HERSELF. Mine basically said that "I'm not your responsibility anymore." Niiiiice.
Author youngster Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 Interesting you stated this, as (prior to reading this) these similar words have been like a mantra to me in relation to my ex: you're not my concern. I like this, and may borrow it. It conveys the same message as you're dead to me with less hostility and more acceptance
Author youngster Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 Last night I met up with my ex's cousin for drinks. It was weird to see how similar the two were and a bit of a challenge to remain unphased when my ex was mentioned. I don't know why I feel guilty for keeping my past relationship under wraps. This morning I am a little depressed because I miss the person I was in love with but she no longer exists. 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Last night I met up with my ex's cousin for drinks. It was weird to see how similar the two were and a bit of a challenge to remain unphased when my ex was mentioned. I don't know why I feel guilty for keeping my past relationship under wraps. This morning I am a little depressed because I miss the person I was in love with but she no longer exists. Ugh, I hear you. That sweet person that lures us in was just a ruse. Then the true colors come out, but by that time, we are hooked. Youngster, just wanted to say how helpful your threads are on here. Going through a major healing myself---had a setback==thought by now I would be over the situation and it's been a year and a half. He was verbally abusive and played a lot of mind games. Now he has someone new and it makes me cringe. I am jealous of her in a way because he seems to treat her wonderfully. They have been together since December or January. All I know is it hurts, I do not want him back nor love him, just feeling horrible. He put me down and is building someone else up.It hurts. 1
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