xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Since I started dating again, I have spent a majority of my time trying to understand how to make my relationships with men work. After having a long night conversation with my girlfriends over dinner and drinks ( our weekly tradition of girls night out), my best friend S, said " Put yourself in his shoes." This was truly an eye opener for me, not because I've been completely clueless about men but because I have never taken the time to truly understand them. My dating history has always been permeated by a lack of trust and bias against men, I never really took the time to give them enough benefit to be " good" men. So guys chime in. Whether you are in a relationship or not, how have you improve your interaction with the opposite sex by " putting yourself in their shoes"?
thatone Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 if you don't understand how the opposite sex thinks (for the most part) well, you're not going to have much luck...
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 if you don't understand how the opposite sex thinks (for the most part) well, you're not going to have much luck... It isn't that I don't understand men, it's more of the fact I don't allow myself to understand their points of views.
Star Gazer Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 It isn't that I don't understand men, it's more of the fact I don't allow myself to understand their points of views. It's not just a matter of understanding the opposite sex. One of your biggest problems has been your near outright refusal to see how your behavior comes across to others. It's all about you, you, you. In other words, put yourself "in his shoes" as not only considering his own personal circumstances, but as someone who is dealing with someone who behaves as you do.
Casablanca Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 It isn't that I don't understand men, it's more of the fact I don't allow myself to understand their points of views. Food, sex and sports...that is our point of view. Just be yourself and it will work out. I think you're over thinking it too much.
El Brujo Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 So... I'm supposed to learn a totally bass-ackwards thought process? Men think convenience. Women think formality. Food, sex and sports...that is our point of view. One out of three ain't bad, bro. Keep trying.
kaylan Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) If I put myself in someones shoes and they are doing something I wouldnt ever do to someone Im dating, then Im totally bailing on that chick. I know what I want and Im gonna get it. Im done giving chicks leeway on things Id never do myself. All that happens is my needs dont get met, and then Im looking up in the sky with one shoe on my foot and Im waiting for the other one to drop. It isn't that I don't understand men, it's more of the fact I don't allow myself to understand their points of views. No offense, but from some of your threads, I really dont think you understand us too much. Having a grandiose epiphany that you now must "allow" yourself to understand us, doesn't make sense to me. I would think you would have been seeking to understand us when you first starting dating as a teenager if you ever wanted a successful relationship at all. Why all of sudden are you now trying to understand us, did you really never want to do this before? You've gotta remember that as a woman, when you put yourself in our shoes you're still looking at it from a female perspective. To truly put yourself into our shoes you need to understand the reasons behind, for example, why we are attracted to this or that. To answer your question, by putting myself in a girls shoes I've learnt that attention to detail is everything; Context is everything. To give you a bit of advice, putting yourself in our shoes is pretty easy. It comes down to two words: Be Sexy. Men are very visual beings; use this to your advantage. To land "good" men, you have to be more than sexy. Trust me. If a girls only quality is being sexy, then shes the kind of girl I sleep with for fun, not date for companionship or love. Edited March 20, 2012 by kaylan
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 No offense, but from some of your threads, I really dont think you understand us too much. Having a grandiose epiphany that you now must "allow" yourself to understand us, doesn't make sense to me. I would think you would have been seeking to understand us when you first starting dating as a teenager if you ever wanted a successful relationship at all. Why all of sudden are you now trying to understand us, did you really never want to do this before? . Kay, I'm consciously aware I go for the bad boys and the non commital men. My history has proven this, that's why no matter how many guys I date, it never goes anywhere. I've always liked dating for fun, it's convenient for ME. S_G is right that it's always about me, me, me and let's face it, as emotionally invested as I do become for a guy, they're not truly " right" for me. My best friend has even said that I date out of boredom. Why am I even bothering so late? Because I really like the current guy I'm with and I don't want to mess things up with him.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 You've gotta remember that as a woman, when you put yourself in our shoes you're still looking at it from a female perspective. To truly put yourself into our shoes you need to understand the reasons behind, for example, why we are attracted to this or that. To answer your question, by putting myself in a girls shoes I've learnt that attention to detail is everything; Context is everything. To give you a bit of advice, putting yourself in our shoes is pretty easy. It comes down to two words: Be Sexy. Men are very visual beings; use this to your advantage. I can be sexy but usually when I dress up the only guys I do attract are players looking for a good time. I have no problem meeting men.
threebyfate Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 xpaper, it's not difficult to understand the average guy. The less drama, the better. So if you find yourself about to create drama, ask yourself how much this matters to you. If it's not a big deal, don't start anything. This way, when it really matters, they're more likely to take heed if it's communicated to them in a clear and as rational manner as possible. Very much like cry wolf or not and picking your fights. The above said, if the guy's not taking heed of your concerns if drama is low, then he's not the guy for you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 You can't understand anybody be it guy or girl if you don't understand what they need, and want. Once you figure out what another person needs, it's pretty easy to start a positive relationship. Then you just have to start tackling what they want. It can be very hard with some people to reconcile their wants and needs since they often are different.
thatone Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) It isn't that I don't understand men, it's more of the fact I don't allow myself to understand their points of views. that wasn't an accusation, more of a general statement. from doing both, from experience... understand that the reason you won't ever catch the player, is because that guy doesn't care which woman he catches. it's all about his own ego. the chase is fun, but when he's gotten sex, the chase is over, he has to go find another one to start the chase again. yeah i can get sex in my neighborhood bar, but there is no way when that's what i'm after that i'm going to want a relationship with any of those women. it has nothing to do with the women, as i stated above, even if the one i wind up with is perfect in every other way i wouldn't care, i'm still going to lose interest after the fact. women think that's men judging them, but i really don't think it is, at least i never judged those women. it's just men behaving like star gazer says you behave (taking her word for it, whether that's true or not is neither here nor there). so really, all of these women saying those men "just want sex" isn't entirely accurate. don't get me wrong, we do want sex, but for a guy picking up women for casual sex the sex is just the postscript. it's no big secret why women respond to those men. men who have learned to do that are experienced, they say the right things and act in ways that are attractive. so how do you change? i've posted this on this forum before, but a good exercise is to meet random people on the street and talk to them, NOT men you're interested in, the opposite of that actually. talk to couples with their kids. talk to old people about their groceries. talk to other women while you're shopping. listen to them. compare what they say to what they do, how they dress, how they behave. learn what makes them tick. when you become more able to judge random strangers without sitting there thinking only of yourself and your own feelings/emotions, you'll have a lot better luck at analyzing men that approach you too. this isn't really gender specific, fwiw. men can (and should) do the same thing. Edited March 20, 2012 by thatone
Recommended Posts