rAFC Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I have been lurking around here for almost 2 months, posting here and there but never shared my own story. So, here it is, sorry for the long read! About 2 years ago I started dating the woman of my dreams. She had actually been a good friend for over 15 years (we are both in our early/mid 30s). There was always chemistry between us, but it always worked out that when one of us was single, the other would not be. She had dated one of my good friends in high school, they actually got engaged and had a kid together after graduation (I was even at the hospital for the birth), but they eventually separated (this ex of hers and I haven't been friends for years though). She ended up getting married to another guy, had a kid together but got divorced, so now she has two kids by two different guys. During her marriage we would meet for drinks, just us, catch up and then go our separate ways for a few months, which repeated for many years. Nothing "inappropriate" ever happened between us during this time. About 2 years ago, she contacted me and asked to get together for drinks. I had just broken up with a woman I was seeing. When we met, she told me she was getting a divorce. This was the first time we had both been single at the same time. One thing led to another, fairly quickly, and we basically began dating that same night. Things progressed and we became exclusive after a few months, all of this at her initiation as I was trying to play it cool, haha. To be honest, I was on top of the world, this woman, who I had secretly been in love with and who had secretly been in love with me for more than half of our lives was now mine! Things were going very well in my opinion. We never fought, we were best friends, we knew each other very well after all these years, her kids loved me, I loved them and both of our families and friends thought we were perfect for each other (her dad even asked me to marry her). We vacationed together several times and were completely in love. However, her life is very stressful. She doesn't make much money and doesn't get much help at all from the kids fathers, plus constant custody battles in court. She lives with her parents since her divorce, unfortunately they get drunk every night and scream at each other in front of my ex and her kids. She had been expecting to be promoted fairly soon as her boss is retiring, but that suddenly came into question about 6 months ago when the company she works for was bought out (we were waiting for that to move in together, since she would be getting a nice raise and better hours). About the same time she had a medical emergency that caused us both a lot of stress as well. She started slipping into a deep depression and when we would get together, she would often be so exhausted/depressed that she would fall asleep as soon as she sat down. This went on for several months, until it all came to a peak when we had our first fight EVER over New Years plans (she changed plans last minute, I refused to change my plans, we didn't talk for a few days). When we started talking again, she seemed like she had just given up on us. We talked and I suggested that our communication was off and our fight could have been averted with better communication; She agreed. A few weeks go by, after everything had seemingly returned to "normal" (the depressed her normal) and she cancels plans one weekend, saying she wasn't feeling well so I said okay, feel better! A few days later and I get an email explaining that she feels like she can't put forth the bare minimum required to have a successful relationship. She listed all of my wonderful qualities and said that I deserved someone who could return all of these things because I deserved them. She claimed she loves me very much but felt overwhelmed with all of her responsibilities and stress and just couldn't continue our relationship. She said that instead of waiting for her to get her act together I should be out finding someone who could give me the things I deserve. Of course I told her I loved her and that I wanted to work it out, but she politely refused. So, all I could do was tell her that I understood and accepted her decision. She wanted to try to remain friends but I knew I couldn't do that, but I told her if she ever needed someone to talk to I would be there for her. We have been in complete no contact ever since. We haven't spoken or seen each other since BEFORE the breakup, which was all done by email. This will be 2 months ago in a few days. I still feel very depressed about the whole situation, I feel like I had everything I ever wanted only to watch it slip through my fingers with nothing I could do to stop it. I haven't just lost her, but her kids as well so it feels like I've been dumped by three people instead of one. It just feels so incomplete, like there was no closure at all, like this didn't need to happen. There was no big blowout fight, no hatred, in fact the last time I spent time with her, she had nothing but love in her eyes for me. I know for a fact that she didn't go back to her ex husband or anyone else, so that isn't what this is about. She also doesn't have a good history of sticking with relationships through tough times, even if there are kids involved (which I noted as a red flag in the beginning, but for whatever reason let it go). I do know that for a relationship to be successful it takes work and communication and that it can never work out if one person just shuts down and calls it off at the first sign of problems. I don't know what I expect from any of you either, I just think I needed to get this out, to tell my story so I can hopefully let go. I wish I could just forget about her, about my hopes for a future with her, but I find myself wishing she would call, that she would decide ending it was a huge mistake. I know how unlikely this is to happen and how unhealthy it is to keep thinking this, but my heart overpowers my head sometimes, haha.
heatherfeather Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Sounds like my ex, he has a history of just giving up instead of working through things.
Moonless sky Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Sounds like my ex, he has a history of just giving up instead of working through things. So its not just me then? :/
Moonless sky Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I don't know what I expect from any of you either, I just think I needed to get this out, to tell my story so I can hopefully let go. I wish I could just forget about her, about my hopes for a future with her, but I find myself wishing she would call, that she would decide ending it was a huge mistake. I know how unlikely this is to happen and how unhealthy it is to keep thinking this, but my heart overpowers my head sometimes, haha. I can relate, deeply. I also wish he would call....that somewhere in him he misses me as much as I miss him. I wish he would realize it was a mistake. I'm sorry you feel this way but atleast it seemed more mature and you don't have many regrets. You have to keep yourself busy even though I can't find anything in me to do this. This empty feeling is the worst.
Author rAFC Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 I'm sorry to hear that you both have experienced this as well. I do know the we deserve someone willing to work through the tough times with us. Perhaps our ex's live in some fantasy where they think some magical relationship will come along that will both solve all of their problems and at the same time require no effort at all? The real world isn't like that though, and my interpretation of "love" is not just a feeling, but also a desire to work with your partner through anything that comes your way while both people keep the best of intentions. I do feel lucky in a way though, lucky that this happened now, before we had a house together, before we had a kid together, before breaking up would mean more than just heartache. Now I have to wonder about my ex's ex-husband, how terrible it must have been for him because he did have those things with her, but also how glad I am to have gotten out when I did and not to be in his position. Perhaps one day, after much therapy (which she had started going to between our only fight and our breakup), she will see what she has done not only to herself and her kids, but to the men who have loved her. Unfortunately, I simply can't wait around, for that day may never come.
Thatguyintx Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I feel like I had everything I ever wanted only to watch it slip through my fingers with nothing I could do to stop it. There was NOTHING you could do about it. You probably went above and beyond and it still didn't keep her in it. That's not about you, that's about her. Get your true self back and start living again. It does get better.
Moonless sky Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I've always thought about that, them living in a fantasy world and they think it'll be magical with another person. Sorry to say ex's but you have to work at a relationship, that's what we both agree on when we commit to eah other. I believe they are in for a wake up call. I completely can relate to that desire, it should honeslty be everyone's desire when they want to get in a serious relationship otherwise it wont work. See I lived with my boyfriend, he told me to throw all of his stuff away and he'll just buy new stuff. I have to suffer and try to sleep without him next to me, I wake up broken remembering he will never be here when I wake up. I do think that maybe one day they will miss us but like you said we can't wait around forever.
Author rAFC Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) There was NOTHING you could do about it. You probably went above and beyond and it still didn't keep her in it. That's not about you, that's about her. Get your true self back and start living again. It does get better. Thanks, you are completely right. I did go above and beyond what I think most people would and there really was nothing more I could do. I try to be accepting and understanding (without being a doormat) because this is what I expect from someone who says they love me. At times it was difficult just seeing what she has to deal with, but I always held it together for her and never judged her based on the actions of those around her. I have been working on getting myself back and I have come a long way from 2 months ago. This isn't the first break up or lost love I've been through, I know things will get better and I will find someone new. This one has been different though and has made things a bit more challenging for me to overcome. I've always thought about that, them living in a fantasy world and they think it'll be magical with another person. Sorry to say ex's but you have to work at a relationship, that's what we both agree on when we commit to eah other. I believe they are in for a wake up call. I completely can relate to that desire, it should honeslty be everyone's desire when they want to get in a serious relationship otherwise it wont work. See I lived with my boyfriend, he told me to throw all of his stuff away and he'll just buy new stuff. I have to suffer and try to sleep without him next to me, I wake up broken remembering he will never be here when I wake up. I do think that maybe one day they will miss us but like you said we can't wait around forever. I think you are right about them getting their wake up call because what they want simply doesn't exist! Just take one day at a time and know that only you can determine your level of happiness. You will find someone else who is willing to do what it takes to maintain your relationship and when that happens, you will look back on this guy and be so thankful he let you go to find someone truly worthy of your heart. Edited March 20, 2012 by rAFC
Moonless sky Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Thank you, truly I needed those words. I'm trying to take it one day at a time but I'm so weak sometimes and doesn't feel any easier. I don't even know why he left me, he hasn't even given me a respectful phone call. After 4 years you think I'd be something to him, I guess not. Just wish he'd realize but guess he never will. Hopefully there's happiness to come either way.
Frank13 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Although I can understand her being stressed and the added responsibility of a relationship being two much, two things disturb me about this. When she tells you to find someone else, and when she says she wants to be friends. This tells me she lost feelings for you. If she loved you but couldn't deal with the relationship, why would she want to be friends, which would mean hearing about any new girlfriend, which she is encouraging? I would think she would either ask you to be patient while she gets her act together, but telling you she understands if you can't wait around. When exes say they want to be friends, it is to relieve their guilt from dumping you, and because they have no feelings. At this point I wouldn't completely dismiss the possibility of another guy.
Author rAFC Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Although I can understand her being stressed and the added responsibility of a relationship being two much, two things disturb me about this. When she tells you to find someone else, and when she says she wants to be friends. This tells me she lost feelings for you. If she loved you but couldn't deal with the relationship, why would she want to be friends, which would mean hearing about any new girlfriend, which she is encouraging? I would think she would either ask you to be patient while she gets her act together, but telling you she understands if you can't wait around. When exes say they want to be friends, it is to relieve their guilt from dumping you, and because they have no feelings. At this point I wouldn't completely dismiss the possibility of another guy. The simple fact is, people generally don't break up with people they are madly in love with. However, clinical depression can complicate things. Stress can complicate things as well. It is hard to feel good about anything when you feel terrible about yourself. I can't read her mind, so I have no idea what she is thinking. I would imagine that she wanted to remain friends simply because we were friends for more than 15 years before we started dating. I also know that sooner or later, she is going to start seeing someone. She may even have her eye on someone right now. Believe me, I won't be calling her asking for another chance. I want to move on. I knew when she asked me to be exclusive that there was no going back to friends if this didn't work out. I am ready to stop being so depressed and let her go from my mind. The hard part has been actually getting her out of my thoughts. It is getting better though, I know I'll get there. Edited March 20, 2012 by rAFC
Desensitized Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Well, if she does a bit of "growing up" per se, maybe she'll realize her own red flag of not sticking through things when the going gets rough. Who knows... Maybe, somewhere down the line if you do become friends with her again, you can politely ask her why she decided to not work things through with you. She will probably come back to you since you two were friends for a long time, but just give it time. However, you also have to think whether you want someone in your life that acts this way whenever something goes bad. She'll probably be back, but again, ask yourself if this is truly the woman you want. Just focus on you, accept the fact that she will cross your mind probably every day, and calmly carry on. Work on yourself, YOU are the most important piece of getting better. Good luck.
Author rAFC Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Well, if she does a bit of "growing up" per se, maybe she'll realize her own red flag of not sticking through things when the going gets rough. Who knows... Maybe, somewhere down the line if you do become friends with her again, you can politely ask her why she decided to not work things through with you. She will probably come back to you since you two were friends for a long time, but just give it time. However, you also have to think whether you want someone in your life that acts this way whenever something goes bad. She'll probably be back, but again, ask yourself if this is truly the woman you want. Just focus on you, accept the fact that she will cross your mind probably every day, and calmly carry on. Work on yourself, YOU are the most important piece of getting better. Good luck. The more time that goes by, the more I realize that she isn't the woman for me. As much as I wanted it to work out, she has proven herself to be an unreliable partner. The problems that she has will never go away and she may never learn to deal with them in a healthy way.
wibe Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 The more time that goes by, the more I realize that she isn't the woman for me. As much as I wanted it to work out, she has proven herself to be an unreliable partner. The problems that she has will never go away and she may never learn to deal with them in a healthy way. The woman do not like to learn or adjust to circumstances at all I believe.
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