Professor X Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Like I said, time to look for new friends! The OP can't be expected to invest that much in her "friends'" life while they can only manage to give her crumbs. The single friend is good enough to babysit so Mommy and Daddy can have time for themselves, but they can't show some interest in her life in return? That's quite a one-sided friendship. Ok, I admit, I do tend to leave quite fast, but still, it's not completely wrong what I said! Ye, she needs new friends no doubt, marriage does that to friends (in a lot of cases anyway). And yes it's one sided, but not really their fault, it's just how life is.
CC12 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I'm sad that none of them are excited for me, that nobody is interested in even hearing what he's like I'm interested! Tell me how awesome he is! Is he hot? Does he have a good job? Does he buy you flowers? Go on, girl, gloat! (I'm serious.) But yeah, true friends should be able to muster some kind of interest in you. Do they ask you about other aspect of your life like your job, family, whatever?
zengirl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I don't really excuse people on the grounds that they're married, have kids, deal with mortgages, etc., and "can't relate to dating." They can relate to dating; they dated at one time. [snip] But yeah, true friends should be able to muster some kind of interest in you. Do they ask you about other aspect of your life like your job, family, whatever? I'm hoping and guessing they do muster interest in HER, based upon them asking what she did over the weekend, etc. However, until she actually talks about BF on her own and even just expresses a desire for them to meet him (which can be done long before the meet actually takes place) and puts that out there, I could see them not digging deeper into the relationship and asking about HIM. It sounds to me like the OP tries to downplay her own desire to talk about it, and as nice as it would be if they asked, I can totally see people who are married, especially married with kids, not asking the 20 questions the way she might want. I still do that stuff because most of my friends are single and I'm used to it but if there were only one or two singles and we were mostly married. . . I think we'd forget. Especially if the one single gal in the group hadn't dated in a year and we were out of practice! Instead of "getting new friends" (which sounds extreme), I would suggest the OP trying to express herself with the friends she has. They may not be jerks; they may just be out of practice. I know it's still a bummer for the OP -- it really is -- but it's kind of human nature. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Men are not things to be shown of and gloated over. how would you know? you're only 14.....
thatone Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Not sure if this is the right spot for this thread but here it is. I've had a tough time with dating - some bad breakups and lonely nights, just like anyone else. Most of my friends are married, and I have done the requisite squealing over their new men, talking everything through at length, discussing every minute detail. I've fussed over engagement rings, paid for and worn the hideous bridesmaid dresses with a smile and attended all of their weddings (alone). I've thrown baby showers and babysat on mommy and daddy date night. Fast forward a little bit and I've finally met someone fabulous. Granted its still the beginning and the beginning is always fabulous, so a lot remains to be seen. Even so, I'm very excited and happier than I've been in respect to my dating life in a long time. Naturally I would like to share this with my friends. Unfortunately for me, nobody cares!! They don't ask questions and even when I subtly bring it up, they basically shut me down. I'm sad that none of them are excited for me, that nobody is interested in even hearing what he's like (they haven't met him yet). Im just wondering if anyone has any insight as to why this is happening or has any suggestions. I feel sort of hurt. It's not like this happens for me every day. I'm not a serial dater so this is out of the ordinary and I just wish someone would be around for me the way I was for them. Just someone to share my excitement with. on the upside, you'll be able to have some nice private smile moments when they call you sobbing about their pending divorces. 1
ditzchic Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Scarlett, Are these friends you're talking about your closest friends or the friends you just catch up with when you can? I'm one of the last singles in my group of closest friends. Most have long term boyfriends, husbands and/or children but they still always ask about men in my life and want to know all about the good ones. I have less close friends that I hang out with much more often that really could care less. They'll ask, I'll answer. They feign caring for a minute and then we move onto more interesting topics. Could this be a case of you just being too oversensitive? I know meeting a good guy that you can see it going somewhere with is a big deal to you but you have to understand that not everyone is going to care. And if you're secure in your relationship with your friends and the new guy, I just don't see why it's a big deal. It is what it is. There's no reason to worry about it. Just do what you do.
Jane2011 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I'm hoping and guessing they do muster interest in HER, based upon them asking what she did over the weekend, etc. However, until she actually talks about BF on her own and even just expresses a desire for them to meet him (which can be done long before the meet actually takes place) and puts that out there, I could see them not digging deeper into the relationship and asking about HIM. It sounds to me like the OP tries to downplay her own desire to talk about it, and as nice as it would be if they asked, I can totally see people who are married, especially married with kids, not asking the 20 questions the way she might want. I still do that stuff because most of my friends are single and I'm used to it but if there were only one or two singles and we were mostly married. . . I think we'd forget. Especially if the one single gal in the group hadn't dated in a year and we were out of practice! Instead of "getting new friends" (which sounds extreme), I would suggest the OP trying to express herself with the friends she has. They may not be jerks; they may just be out of practice. I know it's still a bummer for the OP -- it really is -- but it's kind of human nature. She may be timid about talking at length about him when they're not asking any follow-up questions, but it does sound like she's bringing him up (by way of including him when stating what she did over the weekend, just mentioning him subtly/casually). I see what you're saying about married people and how they may react when they only have one or two single friends and that friend hasn't dated in a while (the married friends are not necessarily 'jerks'), but to me it would be all the more something to perk up at when your only single friend or one of your only single friends is finally dating someone after she hasn't in a long time. I have older sisters and some friends who are married with kids, and I'll admit that sometimes I just don't even talk about what's going on with me and dating. I assume they don't want to hear about it, and I reserve the gritty stuff for single friends who I know can really relate. But then I also don't condemn the married friends for not asking. I would only "condemn" them if I'm clearly bringing it up and they're giving it short shrift in a way that seems like they don't think it's worth talking about. To me, it's not a married vs. single people thing. It's a conversation-selfishness thing. Three out of four of my closest friends are in long-term relationships and/or married, and they're awesome about staying interested. I've also had a single friend (who is no longer my friend so much, not surprisingly) because she never took an interest in what was going on with me; conversation was really one-sided with her, and she liked it that way. Things like this matter, and not just because single women have an annoying need talk about or gloat about men. Conversation between friends should be relatively fair in general, over time. I've definitely heard people complain about other people who just dominated conversations in general (all talking, no listening). Being a talker and a listener is a good thing. If you can't do that, and/or you allow topics of conversation to be all about your own life and rarely/never that of a friend's, he/she will likely drift away because he/she will feel unimportant and unappreciated. We stay in friendships for the same basic reasons we stay in relationships; that is, we feel emotionally safe and wanted and appreciated. And we leave them (or want to leave them) when those things are absent... But yes, I agree that she shouldn't just leave her friends or assume they're jerks. People can forget or do things unintentionally. And many friends, if something is brought to their attention, will say "I didn't mean to seem as if I didn't care. Thanks for bringing it to my attention..."
Jane2011 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Oh, thought I'd mention something else, too. I didn't talk to my own sister for almost two years because I thought she was extremely insensitive about how her life was more important than mine because she was married and I was not. I was even in a long-term relationship (of five years) at the time, but we'd had a conversation, one day in which we were both feeling testy about other things in general too (adding fuel to the fire), in which she'd said a bunch of things which implied my life wasn't as stressful or significant as hers because of her being married with kids. Details aren't important. I definitely got the "your life isn't as important as mine" vibe from her. I didn't talk to her for two years and pretty much intended not to talk to her ever again. But of course, eventually, we did. And she's 150% different. She's *far* less self-important about being married with kids. I love my sister and thinks she's one of the kindest people ever, and I love her kids and love being an aunt. I am so happy she has what she wants in life because she deserves it. I didn't not talk to her because I had an agenda to teach her a lesson. I just didn't want to talk to her. But it had the effect of teaching her a lesson. It taught me a lesson, too, though, about being overly-sensitive. I'm not perfect either, and I know I was overly sensitive. It was a two way thing; she was insensitive and I was overly sensitive. It all worked out, though. p.s. blood is thicker than water, though. you can axe your friends permanently if they're insensitive (j/k).... Edited March 20, 2012 by Jane2011
zengirl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 She may be timid about talking at length about him when they're not asking any follow-up questions, but it does sound like she's bringing him up (by way of including him when stating what she did over the weekend, just mentioning him subtly/casually). Right. When I mention my husband and I went to the beach over the weekend, my friends don't bring up follow up questions about my husband either. As I said, this behavior differs once you're in a different mindset. I get both mindsets, and I think they're both fine---ideally people with married and single friends can have empathy for an array of mindsets. However, my point was her friends may need a little nudge to get into OP's single gal mindset, especially if she hasn't had a BF in awhile for them to ask about and they've forgotten to. I see what you're saying about married people and how they may react when they only have one or two single friends and that friend hasn't dated in a while (the married friends are not necessarily 'jerks'), but to me it would be all the more something to perk up at when your only single friend or one of your only single friends is finally dating someone after she hasn't in a long time. Not necessarily. Of my friends that don't date much, I actually DON'T always know how to react when they start seeing someone they really like. I'm not used to sharing their excitement and don't know what they want of me --- my single gal pals who get excited over guys all the time, I know exactly how to ask, etc. I mean, some people do like to play things down until they seem truly stable, etc; I always did. It's hard to know when someone wants to gush or not sometimes. Her friends may truly not care, or they may just need the OP to give them some direction in what she wants from them. I really can't say. I'm simply hoping it's the former and suggesting it might be because otherwise the OP has to go get all new friends when the fix may be much simpler. I have older sisters and some friends who are married with kids, and I'll admit that sometimes I just don't even talk about what's going on with me and dating. I assume they don't want to hear about it, and I reserve the gritty stuff for single friends who I know can really relate. But then I also don't condemn the married friends for not asking. I would only "condemn" them if I'm clearly bringing it up and they're giving it short shrift in a way that seems like they don't think it's worth talking about. What's clear, though? Things like this matter, and not just because single women have an annoying need talk about or gloat about men. I do not think they do per se. I just think that the mindset changes when you're around people who are coupled up. I love talking to my single gals about their latest guy! I'm always genuinely happy for them if it seems like a good situation. Really. However, I can understand if her group is ENTIRELY married and LTR people and she's the single-gal-out AND she's not been dating for a year and they've gotten used to that where they might need some conversation re-training is all. Conversation between friends should be relatively fair in general, over time. I've definitely heard people complain about other people who just dominated conversations in general (all talking, no listening). Being a talker and a listener is a good thing. If you can't do that, and/or you allow topics of conversation to be all about your own life and rarely/never that of a friend's, he/she will likely drift away because he/she will feel unimportant and unappreciated. We stay in friendships for the same basic reasons we stay in relationships; that is, we feel emotionally safe and wanted and appreciated. And we leave them (or want to leave them) when those things are absent... Well, I have friends who talk more and listen more. I've been on both sides of it and have few "equal time" friendships. Neither bothers me. I'll fill in the conversation with those who are good at listening or listen to those who have more to share. If OP is generally unhappy with her friends, she should get new ones. If it's just this one issue, she should address the issue instead of making it about the entire friendship. MMV, of course. But yes, I agree that she shouldn't just leave her friends or assume they're jerks. People can forget or do things unintentionally. And many friends, if something is brought to their attention, will say "I didn't mean to seem as if I didn't care. Thanks for bringing it to my attention..." Right. More information is needed before we know the best course of action.
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I never asked for a standing ovation, just a little interest. My two oldest BFFs are both married, but live far away. When I told them about my SO, they were VERY interested, because they care a great deal about my happiness. We've been friends for 18 and 16 years. I spend most of my social time, however, with a group of close, local girlfriends, who as I sit here and think about it, are all single. They are all interested as well, because, again, they care about me. We've been friends for a long time as well. I do, however, also have a handful of married-with-children friends who I've only known for 1-4 years, and they don't seem interested either. I really do think it has a lot to do with not only the depth of the friendship, but the place in ones life. I don't think the married gals can really relate to what I'm experiencing right now, and they see 3 months or so as a drop in the bucket. Ya know?
Jane2011 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 What's clear, though? Good question. I guess I would say when they sort of just "nod" at you with this tight-lipped expression and then say nothing more. Or when they ask a single follow up question but quickly steer the conversation in another direction. Other signs of lack of interest might be even worse, though, where they actually make fun of you or act cynical about it. I used to be bothered for my ex-boyfriend because one of his friends always had a 'jokingly condescending' remark about his (my boyfriend's) efforts toward a certain thing - not dating). The OP said that she was bringing it up but they were "shutting her down." We have no idea what that means, of course. Maybe they're not shutting her down, per se, but just casually moving onto other topics that are more appropriate to the whole group (didn't necessarily know she was talking about her outings with 'groups' of married friends. Thought she was talking about individual conversations with married friends).
Recommended Posts