Scarlett513 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Not sure if this is the right spot for this thread but here it is. I've had a tough time with dating - some bad breakups and lonely nights, just like anyone else. Most of my friends are married, and I have done the requisite squealing over their new men, talking everything through at length, discussing every minute detail. I've fussed over engagement rings, paid for and worn the hideous bridesmaid dresses with a smile and attended all of their weddings (alone). I've thrown baby showers and babysat on mommy and daddy date night. Fast forward a little bit and I've finally met someone fabulous. Granted its still the beginning and the beginning is always fabulous, so a lot remains to be seen. Even so, I'm very excited and happier than I've been in respect to my dating life in a long time. Naturally I would like to share this with my friends. Unfortunately for me, nobody cares!! They don't ask questions and even when I subtly bring it up, they basically shut me down. I'm sad that none of them are excited for me, that nobody is interested in even hearing what he's like (they haven't met him yet). Im just wondering if anyone has any insight as to why this is happening or has any suggestions. I feel sort of hurt. It's not like this happens for me every day. I'm not a serial dater so this is out of the ordinary and I just wish someone would be around for me the way I was for them. Just someone to share my excitement with.
FitChick Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Why do you need their approval? Wait until they've actually met him.
Emilia Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Naturally I would like to share this with my friends. Unfortunately for me, nobody cares!! They don't ask questions and even when I subtly bring it up, they basically shut me down. I'm sad that none of them are excited for me, that nobody is interested in even hearing what he's like (they haven't met him yet). I think you either talk about him too much or you used to talk about other guys too much.
veggirl Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 How do you "subtley" bring it up? They are your friends, can't you just say "OMG I am so excited about XYZ"? Otherwise I agree with Emilia and your friends are just thinking "oh lord here we go, she's in love with another one"
Eddie Edirol Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Your new guy has to win their hearts. Theres no reason for them to be excited about someone they dont know, especially if they dont know if he will last. I also suspect that they might think it wont last based on your history. have you been trying to hint your way to excitement with other guys? Have you had a number of unsuccessful relationships recently?
Author Scarlett513 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 Thanks for all of your input, it's truly appreciated To FitGirl, it isn't about approval, it's just about wanting my friends to be happy for me as I was for them when the situation was reversed. I am excited and would love for them to share in that excitement. As for talking about him too much - I barely ever talk about him at all. I only mention him when someone asks what I did over the weekend. I will tell them the truth - that I did X, Y, and Z as well as hung out with him. It would be nice if any of them followed up with any questions or showed some interest. I actively make an effort to NOT talk much about him bc I've been in the other end of that and so I know it can be annoying. And as far as failed relationships, etc, I haven't dated anyone at all (meaning not a single date) in over a year. As I said, I'm not a serial dater so there hasn't been anyone for me to gush over. I don't fall fast and usually err on the side of caution. BUT I have had some rough break ups so I can see that I may have harped on that while it was going on :\ Of course, so have they and I've listened to them as much, and in some cases more, than they have to me. I'm certainly not perfect so maybe I do more talking than I thought...? That's definitely something to chew on.
Star Gazer Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 How long have you been dating? If a short time, as a friend, I wouldn't be gushing for you either. I wouldn't want you to get emotionally ahead of yourself. I'd gush once I ha reason to believe this was the real deal.
Author Scarlett513 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 It's only been a little longer than a month, so I understand that they wouldn't want to gush. Still, a question or two to show a little interest would be nice.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 It's only been a little longer than a month, so I understand that they wouldn't want to gush. Still, a question or two to show a little interest would be nice. You dont give admiration just to get admiration from others. You also dont do things for people just to expect things in return. But, if you notice that you are being taken advantage of, either youre trying to buy friendships by doing all those favors, or your friends dont like you as much as you think. If they arent showing interest in any aspects of your life, I'd question whether or not they are really interested in you as a person at all.
Jane2011 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Have the friends been extremely interested in the past but this time aren't? Or, to your knowledge, have they never been particularly interested in your love life? Because it may well just be their personality types that just don't ask people very many questions about their love lives. I have friends who are very interested even when I just like someone (not that that happens much; I don't really develop crushes from afar anymore; usually if I 'like' someone, I'm dating him). But anyway, those friends are very interested and want to know a lot when I start seeing someone. And then a couple friends who act really indifferent about it. I know what you mean about wanting friends to show interest and be excited. But some friends just have that personality type. Actually, the friends I have that don't seem to care that much, I don't really consider them good friends. Good friends, to me, care about my emotions and how I'm doing in romance and personal matters; they are excited and interested at the prospect of me being excited/interested in someone. Women who only want to talk about impersonal things with me are just pals / acquaintances, at best.
Jane2011 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I like for my friends to be interested, because interested doesn't have to mean they're gushing or giving me false hope or making me think impractically about some guy who isn't a sure thing. My sister always asks me questions when I'm seeing someone new. "What does he do?" "Where'd you meet him?" "What does he look like?" "Think it'll work between y'all?"...just neutral questions. Friends are supposed to think positively for you, at any rate. If you have any kind of self-awareness or savvy, you don't take your friends' general 'positive thinking' for you as proof that things are going to turn out wonderfully. A good friend is interested and thinks positively for you but will still keep you on earth in some nice way. (e.g. "Remember what happened with ___, though? Hopefully this new guy isn't like that. And watch out because sometimes men blah blah blah...") -- that doesn't have to detract from them being excited for you. 2
Author Scarlett513 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 Eddie - I think perhaps you're assuming a bit about my personality. This isn't about admiration, first of all. Secondly, I don't see listening to my friends or sharing in their happiness as a "favor." I am genuinely happy when they are happy and my interest in them is sincere. I'm interested because I care about them and they are important to me. Jane - what you say makes a lot of sense. Some of these people are those who may have been more excited in the past, but are now wrapped up in their own families and marriages. Perhaps they're just not as aware anymore. One of them is pregnant for the first time snd so we talk primarily about that. Another is getting married and so we talk predominantly about her wedding plans. Which still makes me sad but at least maybe it's more that they're distracted rather than just plain old apathetic.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I've fussed over engagement rings, paid for and worn the hideous bridesmaid dresses with a smile and attended all of their weddings (alone). I've thrown baby showers and babysat on mommy and daddy date night. Listening to them isnt a favor, Im talking about this ^^ You make it seem like you dont think they would do the same for you. They could be distracted with their own activities, they could be more self centered. Do you notice the busy ones asking each other about their love lives, and bypassing you?
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 It's only been a little longer than a month, so I understand that they wouldn't want to gush. Still, a question or two to show a little interest would be nice. I suppose it would be nice. But personally, I don't really think it's that hot of a topic to talk about a friend's "boyfriend" of a month. Maybe it's a big deal to you because you're alone all the time. But to the rest of the world, dating someone for a month really isn't a big accomplishment. I don't mean this to offend you. But it's just one of those "so what" situations. If a friend comes to me with this kind of info, I'd say "Oh, that's great." but I mean, I'm not going to give a standing ovation for dating someone for a month. Frankly, I wouldn't even call someone "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" after a month. The term for that is "dating".
Author Scarlett513 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 That's a really good point, Eddie, and actually I think you've just helped me get to the bottom of this. I honestly don't know if any of them would do any of that for me. Of course I didn't do those things for them as a favor, but because I wanted to and because they mattered to me. That being said, I always hoped that when/if the day came that I met someone, they would genuinely *want* to be around for me. And the truth is, as close as we were in the past, they're not very interested in any aspect of my life (anymore). They're swept up in their own lives and, maybe a few of them are just in a self-centered phase. It helps me to understand but it's still sad. We always talked about all of us being in each others' weddings. I've been in all of theirs but really only one girl I still consider close enough to include in something like that (if or when I get around to that whole marriage thing, lol). I guess this is about more than just "Why don't they ask about him?"
zengirl Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Sounds like the "Oh, it's just a month, no biggie" attitude. Not nice but fairly common if they're all super-settled. I suggest talking about it, whether they ask or not. That might ease them into it. Also, they're likely to be more interested once they actually meet him, hopefully!
Author Scarlett513 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 I never asked for a standing ovation, just a little interest.
PlumPrincess Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Time for new friends maybe? I have co-workers who show more interest in my private life than your friends. Granted, I don't know them that long as you have your friends, so everything about me is new and still kind of intereresting, but even then I can be sure if I mentioned a new guy in my life, my friends would be very interested in hearing all the details. And if I had a friend who had finally found someone after a long time of being single, I'd also like to know how things were going. 1
Eddie Edirol Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Sounds like the "Oh, it's just a month, no biggie" attitude. Not nice but fairly common if they're all super-settled. I suggest talking about it, whether they ask or not. hey Scarlett, Zen has a good point here. If they are all in long term relationships, married, having children, and what not, it could be that they dont relate to dating anymore. They arent free...you are, so they cant relate to being able to do anything they want. People I know ask me hows life, but if they are married with kids, they arent asking me about people I'm dating, they arent interested. They want to talk about babysitting, and house repairs and workplace/marriage drama and tv shows...lol. So I have to get in where I fit in. I live on a street where people cant afford to buy new cars, so when I see them, they are talking about the woes of old used cars. My car is new, so I dont really think to ask them how their cars are doing, because all I can do is say "well my cars is great, and under warranty, so nothings wrong with it at all!" So I usually dont bring my car up to these people. So its possible they might not be self centered after all, unless they are single and dating themselves. 1
Jane2011 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) I don't really excuse people on the grounds that they're married, have kids, deal with mortgages, etc., and "can't relate to dating." They can relate to dating; they dated at one time. I mean, it might be their given reason for not being willing to take an interest in your single/dating life; it's just not really a good excuse. I have several friends and two older sisters who are married and have kids. I talk to them about their marriages, their kids, their houses, decorating their homes, their in-laws, neighborhood potlucks, really domestic things all the time, and I've never even "been there" before. They've definitely "been there" with dating at one time. I mean, I don't always begrudge people. In fact, usually I just categorize people. This person is more my impersonal friend whereas this person is more my good friend. But technically, I would think very badly of a "friend" who allows noticeable lopsidedness in my giving (and interest-taking) in conversation vs. hers. Now, mind you, I don't expect married/attached friends to be exactly the same as single friends. I can understand them not relating as much (at that particular time in their lives), and therefore maybe not talking as much. But if they're completely like "oh that's nice" (and have a noticeable haughty 'I'm married and can't relate to your silly goings-on') and NOTHING else, to me they're a-holes. Plus, when you have married/attached friends who DO still know how to be good friends even after they've got it made with their spouse (and I do, and I'm sure other people do as well), it makes it that much more noticeable when you have a haughty, above-it married/attached friend. Edited March 19, 2012 by Jane2011
Jane2011 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I mean, if you think about it, part of being a good person in general is trying to relate to other people and taking an interest in what goes on with them. Doesn't have to be about dating even. Could be about their work, their hobbies, whatever. If people went around only willing to talk about things they're experiencing or living themselves, it'd be....well, not a good thing.
serial muse Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Jane - what you say makes a lot of sense. Some of these people are those who may have been more excited in the past, but are now wrapped up in their own families and marriages. Perhaps they're just not as aware anymore. One of them is pregnant for the first time snd so we talk primarily about that. Another is getting married and so we talk predominantly about her wedding plans. Which still makes me sad but at least maybe it's more that they're distracted rather than just plain old apathetic. You said earlier that you also don't talk about him all that much...so is it at all possible that they actually don't understand how excited you really are? That - out of a now-ingrained habit of downplaying your own life so that you can fill in where needed in your friends' lives (babysitting, bridesmaiding, etc) - you are possibly downplaying to them how you're feeling about the new guy? It sounds like you've fallen into a routine of being a sounding board for your friends' lives - and they are somewhat out of practice in asking you about yours. And I do think that, particularly once people have kids, they tend to get really absorbed in their own worlds for a while. But that doesn't mean they can't snap out of it, if properly prodded (and assuming they were better friends once). I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you need to give these friends a bit of a jolt and be very direct - say to them: I'm really excited and I really want to talk to you about this new guy. Can we sit, have some coffee and I'll catch you up? 1
Professor X Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 They are married and as such, probably not as close to you as you are close to them TBH. When I'm with someone, I usually distant myself the more I am with her, so if I were to be married... jeez. They got their own life now to think about, husband, kids maybe, mortgage, bills, etc etc... I'm sure they are occupied; Once you get married, you too won't have that much time for others as you think. You ask them a lot cause lets face it, you got a lot more free time.
PlumPrincess Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I don't really excuse people on the grounds that they're married, have kids, deal with mortgages, etc., and "can't relate to dating." They can relate to dating; they dated at one time. I mean, it might be their given reason for not being willing to take an interest in your single/dating life; it's just not really a good excuse. I have several friends and two older sisters who are married and have kids. I talk to them about their marriages, their kids, their houses, decorating their homes, their in-laws, neighborhood potlucks, really domestic things all the time, and I've never even "been there" before. They've definitely "been there" with dating at one time. I mean, I don't always begrudge people. In fact, usually I just categorize people. This person is more my impersonal friend whereas this person is more my good friend. But technically, I would think very badly of a "friend" who allows noticeable lopsidedness in my giving (and interest-taking) in conversation vs. hers. Now, mind you, I don't expect married/attached friends to be exactly the same as single friends. I can understand them not relating as much (at that particular time in their lives), and therefore maybe not talking as much. But if they're completely like "oh that's nice" (and have a noticeable haughty 'I'm married and can't relate to your silly goings-on') and NOTHING else, to me they're a-holes. Plus, when you have married/attached friends who DO still know how to be good friends even after they've got it made with their spouse (and I do, and I'm sure other people do as well), it makes it that much more noticeable when you have a haughty, above-it married/attached friend. It's like someone who has a job and suddenly can't relate anymore to a friend who is unemployed. Your "job" as a friend is to listen and to participate in your friend's life even when you don't get all the aspects of it.
PlumPrincess Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 They are married and as such, probably not as close to you as you are close to them TBH. When I'm with someone, I usually distant myself the more I am with her, so if I were to be married... jeez. They got their own life now to think about, husband, kids maybe, mortgage, bills, etc etc... I'm sure they are occupied; Once you get married, you too won't have that much time for others as you think. You ask them a lot cause lets face it, you got a lot more free time. Like I said, time to look for new friends! The OP can't be expected to invest that much in her "friends'" life while they can only manage to give her crumbs. The single friend is good enough to babysit so Mommy and Daddy can have time for themselves, but they can't show some interest in her life in return? That's quite a one-sided friendship. Ok, I admit, I do tend to leave quite fast, but still, it's not completely wrong what I said!
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