What if you decide you want to be happy?

[findingnemo]

Hi Everybody,

 

I've been away for a long time but missed you all. I can see nice changes like the "Like" button. Yippee!!!

 

I've come to believe in the last few months that my happiness is a measure of what I'm doing. In other words, if I'm unhappy then something is not right in my life. Take being in an A (for me that is, and by the way this is a notion I apply to the rest of my life as well). I can't be happy in an A. It's just not me regardless of how much I love xMM. I want it all and being in an A just gave me a little - it made me miserable.

 

I've discovered that there a number of people who are happy in As. I never was. Their MPs love them, spend time with them, and give them all the support they need. They never feel like they aren't the most important person. They don't cry themselves to sleep, get dumped by MM at the last minute, get passed over for anniversary holidays, etc. It seems that the Ms in question are complicated and the circumstances different. I cant explain why it is so for the happy APs but does it matter? The key thing is that they are happy.

 

So when I see a OW/OM in despair, I just want to ask one thing. If what MP gives you makes you unhappy, why are you still with him/her?

 

Love is supposed to be a good feeling. It's meant to elevate you, make you aspire to be better, give you support, etc. Love is a beautiful safe haven. If it brings you despair, then something isn't right in the equation. Love and despair are really not meant to go together. That's a principle for any R be it M, an A or dating.

 

What if you decided you want to be happy? Would you need to change anything? Are you happy as you are right now?

 

(Anyone can offer their opinions. I just hope that when we see things we may disagree with, we will express ourselves politely.)

[Forever Learning]

Love is supposed to be a good feeling. It's meant to elevate you, make you aspire to be better, give you support, etc. Love is a beautiful safe haven. If it brings you despair, then something isn't right in the equation. Love and despair are really not meant to go together. That's a principle for any R be it M, an A or dating.

 

 

Great thought. I had also read somewhere, that love for someone can not co-exist with fear of that person.

 

But the word despair works equally well. The two concepts - love & fear, or love & despair, just don't naturally co-exist in a relationship. Somethings gotta give. Usually, your mental health is what gives.

 

The psychological term is 'cognitive dissonance' I believe. When you harbor (compartmentalize) two very polar different feelings about someone at the same time.

 

I did the 'cognitive dissonance' thing for 16 years in my marriage to a psychopath (he lacks empathy for others, is what makes him a psychopath. He isn't a serial killer, just unable to feel empathy towards others. Roughly 8% of the population falls into this category).

 

The end result for me was memory loss. My brain couldn't take all the conflicting thoughts and emotions of being involved with a bad guy anymore, and my brain decided to throw in the towel and forget many things, in order to survive.

 

It was just a defense mechanism of my brain (memory loss to avoid painful memories), and in retrospect, interesting one at that. I have recovered some of the lost memories via recollection with close friends who help me with my recovering some memories of the past 20 years. It is a slow process.

 

Still, life is good. I'm not complaining. Every day I'm breathing is a good day.

 

And, I am not recommending anyone else stick with a really crummy relationship. It's not worth it by any means. Something will give within you, something will crumble from the weight of it all. I also developed cancer during that time.

 

Now here's a funny story. Prior to the 16 years with the psychopath, I was with a guy for 7 years that was actually a nice guy. He treated me well and we were in love. The only problem was, he was a skirt chaser. He couldn't say no to chasing other p*ssy. It is still his Achilles Heel to this day, this ex of mine.

 

So I recall working in a beauty shop once (I was a beautician at one point back then) and telling another hair cutter who I was friends with (a male stylist, he was a gay black guy) that I loved my boyfriend of 7 years, but that the only problem was, I just couldn't trust him.

 

Well, he and his client and some others who overheard me say that just 'fell out'. They laughed until their sides hurt.

 

They laughed until they cried.

 

They laughed and laughed and laughed some more, at the dumb white girl, who loved her boyfriend, but couldn't trust him.

 

Oh God, did they get a huge kick out of laughing at me. It's all good though.

 

Once they gained their composure (that took forever), the gay black guy said,

 

"Girl, don't you know? A relationship is all about TRUST. That's all a relationship really is to begin with!! If you don't have TRUST in your relationship, girl - you don't have NUTHIN' !!"

 

And he was right.

Edited March 19, 2012 by Forever Learning

[MissBee]

Beautiful post findingnemo! I'm very happy for you

 

Selling yourself short, especially while pretending you aren't, is such a disservice. Life is too short, really, to spend it in situations you don't need to be in that do not better your life and make you live a more full life.

 

In the past I spent time dissecting a man, trying to hope for a "one day he will do this or that" and spent more time analyzing the relationship and being upset or being scared that if I said or did the wrong thing or told the truth it would be all over, rather than living my life with a great companion by my side who added to it. Won't be doing that ever again!

 

You fit easily into my life, you add to what I have, you nourish me, and everyone who knows me will know about us and see what we have and be able to see that it builds me up....anything else is a waste of time and emotional resources.

[MissBee]

Great thought. I had also read somewhere, that love for someone can not co-exist with fear of that person.

 

But the word despair works equally well. The two concepts - love & fear, or love & despair, just don't naturally co-exist in a relationship. Somethings gotta give. Usually, your mental health is what gives.

 

The psychological term is 'cognitive dissonance' I believe. When you harbor (compartmentalize) two very polar different feelings about someone at the same time.

 

I did the 'cognitive dissonance' thing for 16 years in my marriage to a psychopath (he lacks empathy for others, is what makes him a psychopath. He isn't a serial killer, just unable to feel empathy towards others. Roughly 8% of the population falls into this category).

 

The end result for me was memory loss. My brain couldn't take all the conflicting thoughts and emotions of being involved with a bad guy anymore, and my brain decided to throw in the towel and forget many things, in order to survive.

 

It was just a defense mechanism of my brain (memory loss to avoid painful memories), and in retrospect, interesting one at that. I have recovered some of the lost memories via recollection with close friends who help me with my recovering some memories of the past 20 years. It is a slow process.

 

Still, life is good. I'm not complaining. Every day I'm breathing is a good day.

 

And, I am not recommending anyone else stick with a really crummy relationship. It's not worth it by any means. Something will give within you, something will crumble from the weight of it all. I also developed cancer during that time.

Now here's a funny story. Prior to the 16 years with the psychopath, I was with a guy for 7 years that was actually a nice guy. He treated me well and we were in love. The only problem was, he was a skirt chaser. He couldn't say no to chasing other p*ssy. It is still his Achilles Heel to this day, this ex of mine.

 

So I recall working in a beauty shop once (I was a beautician at one point back then) and telling another hair cutter who I was friends with (a male stylist, he was a gay black guy) that I loved my boyfriend of 7 years, but that the only problem was, I just couldn't trust him.

 

Well, he and his client and some others who overheard me say that just 'fell out'. They laughed until their sides hurt.

 

They laughed until they cried.

 

They laughed and laughed and laughed some more, at the dumb white girl, who loved her boyfriend, but couldn't trust him.

 

Oh God, did they get a huge kick out of laughing at me. It's all good though.

 

Once they gained their composure (that took forever), the gay black guy said,

 

"Girl, don't you know? A relationship is all about TRUST. That's all a relationship really is to begin with!! If you don't have TRUST in your relationship, girl - you don't have NUTHIN' !!"

 

And he was right.

 

Thanks for sharing Forever Learning. Your plight was indeed a horrible one, but I am really happy that you are rebuilding your life and are "forever learning"

[findingnemo]

Wow, FL. That's a good one. Ain't it true though? If you don't have trust, you have nothing. You actually lost your memory? I'm sorry to hear this and hope that you're free of him and happy now.

 

Miss Bee, how are you? I totally agree with you. Love should fit in my life or make it better, period. Good to see you again here and on the other thread.

 

Just some quick thoughts:

 

Cognitive dissonance. Yes, the term it's spot on. Let me see if I can list a few examples of crazy situations I hated:

 

1. You (general) love him/her and he/she loves you and someone else.

2. You have a lover who not only doesn't spend nights with you, he/she spends them with someone else.

3. It's Christmas and you are not with your lover because...he/she is at home with a spouse and children.

4. Your lover gets sick...and you can't go see them in the hospital.

5. You're at a party where your lover receives an award and he/she thanks the love of his/her life - unfortunately it's not your name that's mentioned.

 

In any of these situations, the AP feels pain. That pain is the mind's way of saying "Hello, we are in trouble. Time to stop?" But instead of listening to that instinct, we say "No, he/she loves me".

 

I believe in love...and I remember all the fairytales I read as a child. Never did one say - The prince found her and she found him and they lived happily ever after in secret because he had a wife and kids at home. To me, that's not my fairytale ending and all through the A, this reality caused some serious cognitive dissonance.

[donnamaybe]

So when I see a OW/OM in despair, I just want to ask one thing. If what MP gives you makes you unhappy, why are you still with him/her?

It isn't what they give them. It's what they DON'T give them.

[findingnemo]

It isn't what they give them. It's what they DON'T give them.

 

I agree, Donna. That's the other way of looking at it.