Philosoraptor Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 He blocked me a year and a half ago as part of a mind game thing. I found out through a mutual acquaintance---it showed up on my newsfeed. I blocked this person so I no longer have to see updates. It hurts, makes me feel like I was nothing and this new one is everything. He was hurtful to me and extremely cruel. This one is on a pedestal. I feel like ****. Yea, a pedestal. How long until he starts beating her into oblivion? Emotionally he needs to raise her up as high as he can in order to truly feel like he made a good choice. But him avoiding his emotions shouldn't bring you pain.
Motor35 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 why do we do this to ourselves?! i do it too. so sorry you are hurting.
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Yea, a pedestal. How long until he starts beating her into oblivion? Emotionally he needs to raise her up as high as he can in order to truly feel like he made a good choice. But him avoiding his emotions shouldn't bring you pain. He was never physically abusive, Philo; it was all mental and sometimes I think I would rather be hit than to have gone through what I have. He was so afraid of me warning women in his circle about him and telling them what happened, that he told all of them that I have several Facebook accounts and I use them to spy on him and all of them. Some of them actually believed that crap. He told them lots of things about me.He said he was a private person; he's not so private anymore, I guess. It was roughly 4 months when I started seeing his behavior===actually, if I want to be technical about it, it was after our first weekend together; the weekend we finally met and there was a chemistry. It was a nice weekend, but....That monday, he was over the top flirting with other women, saying things to them that he would say to me. It hurt, I mentioned it to him and he wrote me this very long email, lecturing me about noticing stuff like that and bringing it to his attention. He said he should be allowed to compliment people, etc.=-I get that, but you should have seen how he swooned. I didn't need to see that. "Hey, nice pic!" would have been fine, but "sigh...Had to revisit your picture...You are so beautiful. A goddess, even..." to which she replied "thanks, sweetie:) xoxoxoxo"--she was the first person he told to block me and it was right after I told him I was hurt about that. I was blocked by her, that was that. I tried to over look that, as in the grand scheme of things, would that really be a big deal, etc. then that behavior started up again--I figured it's just his personality and tried to accept it. at the 4month period, I noticed on a childhood friend's wall, a thread about my ex. My friend loathed him--didn't know him very well, but picked up a vibe and told me it's not good to talk to this 'creep'. It was still so new and I had been warned by this friend and a few others; I was asked to block them because he couldn't stand the drama. The thread went something like "What do you guys all think of .....? I personally think he is a creeper on Facebook. What say you?" over 50 comments surfaced from mostly women saying "ew! he tried friending me and sent me an inbox asking to meet", etc. comment after comment. I emailed ex and said "why would they all be saying these things about you?"--that was the first time he blocked me. Made a fool of myself trying to call him--he whose phone is epoxied to his hand at all times. Blocked me with no explanation. We finally talked and he unblocked and friended me again. The behavior was off. After that we had ups and downs, mainly downs. Calling me by his ex wife's name several times during our relationship didn't help matters. And he said "well, I am still healing!"---I thought when you are in a new relationship with someone and you tell them you love them , that you are supposed to be over the person you were with before. I've been healing for a good year and a half; he was on the dating sites trying to meet people when we were still together and met this new one on Match.com, I believe. I figured maybe he's been healed since that time has passed. Maybe I was used to help him forget his ex. She told me he would text her to start these awful arguments to the point where she had to turn off her phone=-he did that with me, as well. but he texted her through our relationship. He's flaunting his new relationship and it's totally not like him as he is a 'priiiiiiivate person', LOL. Just wondering if he turned around in that short time; he got all the mental and verbal abuse and games out of his system on me (and whomever else he met on those sites before meeting this new one). Every day is one day closer to healing, but I do have those times where I regress a little bit.Coming here helps me put it into perspective. I suddenly felt unattractive; she is tall, thin and blonde with blue eyes; he always liked tall women. I am 5 feet tall with brown hair and brown eyes. Made me feel so very blah.
Philosoraptor Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I'm quite aware he didn't physically beat you, but he beat you into oblivion with his words and actions. He's not healed, he is running from his pain. His privacy issues may have changed, but it is more likely to up himself to everyone out there. You need to get him off a pedestal as you continue to try and apologize for his actions and suggest that he is a changed and better man. He is an immature person who seems to be quite unable to deal with life. Avoiding your problems is simply a path to settling for unhappiness. Dealing with your issues leads to peace with the situation and a clear path to happiness. 1
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I'm quite aware he didn't physically beat you, but he beat you into oblivion with his words and actions. He's not healed, he is running from his pain. His privacy issues may have changed, but it is more likely to up himself to everyone out there. You need to get him off a pedestal as you continue to try and apologize for his actions and suggest that he is a changed and better man. He is an immature person who seems to be quite unable to deal with life. Avoiding your problems is simply a path to settling for unhappiness. Dealing with your issues leads to peace with the situation and a clear path to happiness. I guess I thought since there is a new girl, he changed his ways. I talked with a friend today about it==she went through the same thing, different fellow around the same time I was going through this. Other than talking to her, I've been going through this alone, hence my running on and on about it. It helps to talk about it here and get another perspective on it as I am too close to really see it. It hurt to be cast off as I was, because I wasn't giving him everything he wanted; wanted me to change my life so I could be available 100%---I was working; he wanted me to quit and get another job, move to a house close to him or better yet==move in with him. That was too much too soon--it had only been a couple of months and I felt so rushed--I needed to get my bearings, though I loved him. So he would intentionally break our dates because "something came up that I forgot about, I am so sorry to do this to you, etc." And more vicious mind games. He was very jealous, too. Everything he did to me, he complained that someone did to him. Everything he said he hated about me, was what he was. Confuses me greatly. To this day he asks people if they are still friends with me and "why?" It hurts to be thought of in that way when he used to hold me in better regard. He was so quick to throw me under the bus to protect himself. I can't help but wonder how long it will before she sees his ways---if she gets to see them at all. Damn, I am placing her on a pedestal too and I don't even know her...I will get through this. It helps to see what others have to say.
CopingGal Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I still have my ex blocked. But I was able to get to his facebook page, anyway. He said that he wouldn't do anything he's done differently. He told the world this. Because he psychologically abused me so badly and he said he would not have changed what he did, I went on a downward spiral that consisted of crying, crying, crying, and then writing a very nasty email to him...nasty. I'm a such a nice person, but when things involve him, I just turn into an angry, angry witch. I prayed and asked God to help me not be so angry. This man brings out the absolute worse in me. I broke about 70 days on NC and for what...a man who gets his kicks out of using women. I hate how he brings out the worse in me, but I hurt myself. I'm not going back. I'm going to continue to use my facebook for good, and if it gets too much for me....I'm just gonna delete my account. I hate what he did to me, but it happened. There is nothing I can do about it. The best thing I can do is concentrate on myself.
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I still have my ex blocked. But I was able to get to his facebook page, anyway. He said that he wouldn't do anything he's done differently. He told the world this. Because he psychologically abused me so badly and he said he would not have changed what he did, I went on a downward spiral that consisted of crying, crying, crying, and then writing a very nasty email to him...nasty. I'm a such a nice person, but when things involve him, I just turn into an angry, angry witch. I prayed and asked God to help me not be so angry. This man brings out the absolute worse in me. I broke about 70 days on NC and for what...a man who gets his kicks out of using women. I hate how he brings out the worse in me, but I hurt myself. I'm not going back. I'm going to continue to use my facebook for good, and if it gets too much for me....I'm just gonna delete my account. I hate what he did to me, but it happened. There is nothing I can do about it. The best thing I can do is concentrate on myself. Our exes are similar in that my ex seemed to enjoy getting me upset. he seemed to really thrive on it and would randomly start an argument/say something that wasn't nice, etc. not call all of a sudden. He brought out my inner ugly and I am normally a peaceful, happy person. Each time we had a disagreement--it wasn't normal. He would say these cruel things and I wanted to hurt him back, so I would say stuff right back to him. That just wasn't me at all. I remember apologizing once and I could hear him 'smiling' on the phone; he also enjoyed me caving in to him.
CopingGal Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I'm following Youngster's lead. As far as I'm concerned, my ex is dead to me. He's dead. 2
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I guess I thought since there is a new girl, he changed his ways. I talked with a friend today about it==she went through the same thing, different fellow around the same time I was going through this. Other than talking to her, I've been going through this alone, hence my running on and on about it. It helps to talk about it here and get another perspective on it as I am too close to really see it. It hurt to be cast off as I was, because I wasn't giving him everything he wanted; wanted me to change my life so I could be available 100%---I was working; he wanted me to quit and get another job, move to a house close to him or better yet==move in with him. That was too much too soon--it had only been a couple of months and I felt so rushed--I needed to get my bearings, though I loved him. So he would intentionally break our dates because "something came up that I forgot about, I am so sorry to do this to you, etc." And more vicious mind games. He was very jealous, too. Everything he did to me, he complained that someone did to him. Everything he said he hated about me, was what he was. Confuses me greatly. To this day he asks people if they are still friends with me and "why?" It hurts to be thought of in that way when he used to hold me in better regard. He was so quick to throw me under the bus to protect himself. Ok then, take it from someone who did change in pretty much every way imaginable. I gave up my family, friends, hobbies, interests, and even chaned my damn thought process because it upset her. She was so incredibly needy that even when she was in night school I couldn't see my family because it would upset her. When I said "well it's not like you're home to be around anyway", she got upset and said she didn't want me to go because she couldn't be with me. My younger sisters were my best friends and I went from seeing them daily when I still lived at home, to weekly at the start, then no more than an hour every 3 weeks to a month. My family is on my ride home from work by the way. Anytime we were with anyone else she made everyone uncomfortable as she sat with her miserable frown. Eventually I put my foot down on what was truly a stupid issue and said no, I will not change. She said she couldn't deal with me like that and left. Moral of the story is that no matter how much you try, you can't make a miserable person happy. No matter how much you bend and give, an unhappy person will always find the worst in everything rather than appreciating what they are given. After the relationship ended it was slander and verbal abuse. Incase you didn't know, I am the worst person in the world and just horrible to be around. She rebounded as well. Rather than feeling jealous I just pity this poor guy, as does everyone who truly sees her as she is. I can't help but wonder how long it will before she sees his ways---if she gets to see them at all. Damn, I am placing her on a pedestal too and I don't even know her...I will get through this. It helps to see what others have to say. It matters not that he sees his ways. If he does, good for him. If not, then it's not your job to fix someone else's misery. Once you allow yourself to stop your worry you will feel a huge surge of relief that you don't have to deal with that anymore. 2
Heatherlyinn Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I bend and tried and tried and bent..and it was the same exact thing. Never happy always my fault. I am in the middle of doing the two week thing.. im on day two or three depends how you count..and he texted me today to tell me he had a magazine of mine.. I am SOOO proud that I didn't say come over, im not going to lie and say I didnt want to but I did. I am having a hard hard time not giving in but its possible..and I know if he had a facebook id be soooo tempted to look. but that swooshing feeling of nausea and pain is too much to bear.. I know I can face him once im over him.. but pain only goes away with time..and im waiting 1
youngster Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) I am guilty of doing the online prying into my ex's life too. She and I are not friends on FB but I had access to my buddies account which gained access to her. This is why I think the whole blocking of the ex is only half of the battle. You can still just as easily create a fake account or circle around to a mutual friends page to *accidentally stumble* onto some info. Your will to not want to know must outweigh the will to know. For me, it wasn't until I burned myself a few times that I just said to myself -you know what, to hell with Her. She's out there living her life seemingly without a care in the world. Maybe she's right. Maybe what we had wasn't that special after all. Sadly some jealous tendencies have surfaced in me and made me do things that I am not too proud of, but I've addressed the problems in myself and aim to fix them. I'm on about day three of not watching any of her online activity and I deleted Facebook too. Anytime she pops in my head, I curse her off and say "you're dead to me" I probably look like I have tourettes but it's better than pining over some worthless booch Keep to your own business, Bewitched. They're not worth our time. I forgot to add that I too wasn't showcased either. She always took pictures of us and of me but she would just show them to me. I never paid atten... Well I chose to ignore that. Edited March 21, 2012 by youngster 1
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 I am guilty of doing the online prying into my ex's life too. She and I are not friends on FB but I had access to my buddies account which gained access to her. This is why I think the whole blocking of the ex is only half of the battle. You can still just as easily create a fake account or circle around to a mutual friends page to *accidentally stumble* onto some info. Your will to not want to know must outweigh the will to know. For me, it wasn't until I burned myself a few times that I just said to myself -you know what, to hell with Her. She's out there living her life seemingly without a care in the world. Maybe she's right. Maybe what we had wasn't that special after all. Sadly some jealous tendencies have surfaced in me and made me do things that I am not too proud of, but I've addressed the problems in myself and aim to fix them. I'm on about day three of not watching any of her online activity and I deleted Facebook too. Anytime she pops in my head, I curse her off and say "you're dead to me" I probably look like I have tourettes but it's better than pining over some worthless booch Keep to your own business, Bewitched. They're not worth our time. I forgot to add that I too wasn't showcased either. She always took pictures of us and of me but she would just show them to me. I never paid atten... Well I chose to ignore that. he took a lot of pics of me and a few of us together, but only showed them to me and no one else. In fact, no one on his side had a clue we were dating=there were 2 guys he confided in, but it was all negative stuff about me being a psycho for contacting his ex wife for answers. Needed to dig deep and find out why he had been so abusive to me. She divorced him, she had answers. He said it was beneath me to do that and how dare I. What you are doing is great; a good healing exercise. You are physically telling the mental images to get out of your mind. I was advised by a sweet, and kind person on here to think of an elephant with an ornate run on its back. This elephant seems to walk into my mind and interrupt my thoughts of him and I end up giggling about it:) I've not seen anything on him in a couple of days and I do not want to go there. I can't unsee the pictures of them I did see; i never existed except in a bad light to him. That is the humiliating part===he trashed me to all his friends and puts this new one on a pedestal. My skin crawls to think of it. AND.....the last time he tried contacting me was 5 months ago...I ignored and did not respond, but...7 months ago...you meet and fall in love with someone you met on one of several dating sites already in January and have already travelled places with her? Shaking my head trying to figure it out and hoping she sees what I saw in him===so I know it wasn't just me imagining, LOL. Each day we take to heal--they had a head start in moving on from us. What I would love is for them to say "oh man, she/he was the best thing I ever had and look what I did"...
CopingGal Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 . I forgot to add that I too wasn't showcased either. She always took pictures of us and of me but she would just show them to me. I never paid atten... Well I chose to ignore that. My ex had a facebook page that he kept hidden from me. We went on a trip together, but he talked about it on facebook as if he went by himself. Although he did not indicate he was single, his facebook page looked like he was single. Then came all the lies. He told me facebook was broken, and lie after lie after lie...even using God in his lies. It was the beginning of the end.
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 My ex had a facebook page that he kept hidden from me. We went on a trip together, but he talked about it on facebook as if he went by himself. Although he did not indicate he was single, his facebook page looked like he was single. Then came all the lies. He told me facebook was broken, and lie after lie after lie...even using God in his lies. It was the beginning of the end. Awful, Coping Gal:( Mine still kept 'single' and interested in 'women'. Wonder if he changed it for her. What brings me down is that this new woman can meet all his needs I couldn't; she can stay there, rather than go home, she can drop everything and travel; that's his thing. If he called on a whim and asked her out to dinner, she can go on a whim. AT the time I couldn't do these things and he was frustrated. They can see each other every day, where we couldn't. Maybe they will get married.
Philosoraptor Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Awful, Coping Gal:( Mine still kept 'single' and interested in 'women'. Wonder if he changed it for her. What brings me down is that this new woman can meet all his needs I couldn't; she can stay there, rather than go home, she can drop everything and travel; that's his thing. If he called on a whim and asked her out to dinner, she can go on a whim. AT the time I couldn't do these things and he was frustrated. They can see each other every day, where we couldn't. Maybe they will get married. Maybe they will, maybe they will live happily ever after? Maybe he will verbally abuse her and make her feel like she isn't good enough? If she fulfills all of his needs and desires then she is simply a better match for him than you were. Are you going to say that someone who emotionally abused you is the best match for you?
CopingGal Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I know that the fact I am not a good match for my ex is a compliment. My ex found someone that was a better match than me. He told me he did. Yet this woman was ridiculous...stupid, seriously stupid, impulsive, self-centered, shelfish, ignorant, cruel, and a recovering alcoholic. That is the kind of match he wants. Believe me, I'm glad I'm not a match for him. She told him she loved him and then 4 months later, threw another man in his face and dumped him. Then took him back two weeks later and told him about a month after that she would marry him. Then they broke up within 3 months after that. He thrives on chaos and that is what she provided. Oh, how glad I am that I am not a good match for him.
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I know that the fact I am not a good match for my ex is a compliment. My ex found someone that was a better match than me. He told me he did. Yet this woman was ridiculous...stupid, seriously stupid, impulsive, self-centered, shelfish, ignorant, cruel, and a recovering alcoholic. That is the kind of match he wants. Believe me, I'm glad I'm not a match for him. She told him she loved him and then 4 months later, threw another man in his face and dumped him. Then took him back two weeks later and told him about a month after that she would marry him. Then they broke up within 3 months after that. He thrives on chaos and that is what she provided. Oh, how glad I am that I am not a good match for him. This new match of his makes me feel inadequate. But...what you said is interesting; another similarity with our ex's. They thrive on chaos. My ex would say "I cannot stand drama"---but he brings it and it follows him everywhere. this woman is probably safe from it.
stillafool Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Okay you guys, enough with the 'pity party' already. You guys are hurting yourselves while those bas-turds are moving on with their life. The simple truth is "you all got played" and it hurts like hell. I've been played too so I know what you're going through. At some point I had to ask myself, during my pity parties, "why are you blaming him and not blaming yourself for moving on when he was clearly showing you who he was early on in the relationship?" If any of you look back at your history you will see that you were an enabler in your own pain as I was. They are who they are and it is up to you to accept their behavior or not. It is time to start getting angry with yourself for allowing this treatment and deciding that this was a learning experience that you vow to never let happen to yourself again.
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