What am I doing on this website?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I usually just come here when relationships fall apart to read a bit and vent.

 

Things are going great for me. I'm getting married again next year... work is going well... I've saved enough money to buy a house... ect.

 

I spent a good chunk of time thinking about this. My last relationship messed me up hard in the trust department. I'm pretty much past that on an individual level, but when you step back I'm still extremely cynical. Is this like innocence lost? Where you can never go back to truly believing in the goodness of other people? Because that's what I think I've lost.

 

My previous relationship I screened it for everything I had learned over 29 years on this planet to make sure it would go the distance. It was great for 1.5 years, but fell apart so fast.

 

My current relationship is so much better... it's night and day. It just feels right. I think I'm more worried that I will be the one to screw it up.

[threebyfate]

If you're subscribing to the bitterness and cynicism on this site, your relationship will fall apart. Might be time to take a step back and reconsider your cynicism. The only person you're hurting by holding onto cynicism is yourself and as collateral damage, your partner.

 

Be honest. Did you survive the pain? If your relationship falls apart, will you survive your pain again? If your answer is no to either question, then there are deeper issues within yourself that you haven't addressed. If so, better address them fast before you destroy something worth holding onto.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you're subscribing to the bitterness and cynicism on this site, your relationship will fall apart. Might be time to take a step back and reconsider your cynicism. The only person you're hurting by holding onto cynicism is yourself and as collateral damage, your partner.

Be honest. Did you survive the pain? If your relationship falls apart, will you survive your pain again? If your answer is no to either question, then there are deeper issues within yourself that you haven't addressed. If so, better address them fast before you destroy something worth holding onto.

 

... I'm going to be fine whether things go well or not.

 

I just get this feeling that perhaps the crap my xGF pulled has somehow normalized itself in my brain.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've come to realize that the world is full of madness and irrationality and sexuality on a crazy scale.

 

I think innocence is lost.

 

But I also think it is possible to carve out joy and happiness. It is also worth fighting like a demon for.

 

Best of luck to you and your soon to be wife.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've come to realize that the world is full of madness and irrationality and sexuality on a crazy scale.

I think innocence is lost.

But I also think it is possible to carve out joy and happiness. It is also worth fighting like a demon for.

Best of luck to you and your soon to be wife.

 

Are people essentially good or bad?

[threebyfate]

... I'm going to be fine whether things go well or not.

 

I just get this feeling that perhaps the crap my xGF pulled has somehow normalized itself in my brain.

If you're happy, what difference does it make? As long as you're not being treated like crap where there's an easy litmus test for it, there's nothing to worry about.

 

The litmus test would be:

• Are you both happy in your relationship?
  
• Is she giving you what you need which includes love?
  
• Are you giving her what she needs which includes love?
  
• Are you being abused?
  
• Are you abusing her?
  
• Do you take each other for granted?
  
• Do you treat each other as individuals and human beings, with respect and trust?
  

There are probably a few more questions to add to the litmus test but you're not stupid and can figure the rest out on your own.

[carhill]

I visit when things are going well and I'm happy. Reality check

 

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. If worrying about 'screwing it up' is on your mind and you find LS to affect that perspective negatively, push back from here and perhaps try some real life PMC with your soon-to-be wife and get it all out. Build intimacy and synergy by facing the issues you identify within yourself as a team. Nobody's life is perfect. Accept the real.

[fortyninethousand322]

I feel the same way too sometimes, what am I doing here? Outside of the few times I ask for advice on something or a genuine question, the rest is just to vent.

 

I feel like because I'm an inexperienced 24 year old, most of the advice and opinions I give are basically worthless. Like who wants that perspective?

 

I think given your circumstances you have a bit more to add to the discussions here.

[threebyfate]

p.s. UF, don't think I haven't figured out who you were almost from the get-go.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you're happy, what difference does it make? As long as you're not being treated like crap where there's an easy litmus test for it, there's nothing to worry about.

The litmus test would be:

• Are you both happy in your relationship?
  
• Is she giving you what you need which includes love?
  
• Are you giving her what she needs which includes love?
  
• Are you being abused?
  
• Are you abusing her?
  
• Do you take each other for granted?
  
• Do you treat each other as individuals and human beings, with respect and trust?
  

There are probably a few more questions to add to the litmus test but you're not stupid and can figure the rest out on your own.

 

I would have answered positively to all those questions in my previous relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

Are people essentially good or bad?

 

I'm not great with relative terms like "good" and "bad."

 

What I think about people:

 

We are a collection of our Neurological Function and our History.

 

Basically how well the hardware works on the computer and whatever software (I.e. Experience) gets put in there as well.

 

We all have glitches, some enormous, some small.

Mostly we aren't aware of these until we have to do a "system check" or "scan" because something just isn't lining up right.

 

If we have to go to "good" and "bad" I would say that about 80% of people gave a genuine moral concern for one another on a day to day basis.

 

I also think that we put the most manipulative people into leadership roles though, which affects us adversely.

[Untouchable_Fire]

p.s. UF, don't think I haven't figured out who you were almost from the get-go.

 

I remember TrialByFire.

 

It would be nice for someone to know me.

[snug.bunny]

I'm getting married again next year... work is going well... I've saved enough money to buy a house... ect.

Well, the good news is, is that you have come along way from what sounds like, a very difficult time!

 

I think I'm more worried that I will be the one to screw it up.

As you pointed out to me in another thread, learning to control our own response is important.

 

If you find yourself thinking about the 'bad' your ex did, and/or if someone/something bothers you, try to defuse it as best you can and not apply those bad thoughts to the present. Don't let 'those' thoughts control you or prevent you from being the best you can be.

[threebyfate]

I would have answered positively to all those questions in my previous relationship.

There are no guarantees in life for any relationship/marriage. But without trust, it's game over.

 

You know what signs to watch for since your last relationship wasn't your first go-round with the issue. Trust in yourself. If you see the signs, you'll know what to do.

 

That's how I feel. I trust my gut instincts. They've never failed me. It's when I chose to rationalize them away, that's when disaster struck.

 

If my husband were ever to cheat on me, which obviously I highly doubt considering his moral fibre, I would just walk away, no drama beyond having my divorce lawyer contact his.

 

We've already agreed that if something should happen to our marriage, our child custody would be 50/50, where our first priority will be to our children. We've also got a post-nup which will ensure that we walk away with what we had, as well as a bit more from income made during our marriage.

 

I will survive if it were to happen again. Each time I survive something, it's only made me stronger. Screw bitterness and cynicism. Such a waste of time, emotion and energy. I'd rather live and love again.

 

I remember TrialByFire.

 

It would be nice for someone to know me.

That's no secret since I announced the name change in multiple threads when I did it and retained my acronym.

 

My fingers are sealed since it would only bring you drama you don't need right now.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm not great with relative terms like "good" and "bad."

What I think about people:

We are a collection of our Neurological Function and our History.

Basically how well the hardware works on the computer and whatever software (I.e. Experience) gets put in there as well.

We all have glitches, some enormous, some small.

Mostly we aren't aware of these until we have to do a "system check" or "scan" because something just isn't lining up right.

If we have to go to "good" and "bad" I would say that about 80% of people gave a genuine moral concern for one another on a day to day basis.

I also think that we put the most manipulative people into leadership roles though, which affects us adversely.

 

I feel like everyone primarily acts in their own self interests... even things that seem altruistic often come down to selfish motives.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well, the good news is, is that you have come along way from what sounds like, a very difficult time!

As you pointed out to me in another thread, learning to control our own response is important.

If you find yourself thinking about the 'bad' your ex did, and/or if someone/something bothers you, try to defuse it as best you can and not apply those bad thoughts to the present. Don't let 'those' thoughts control you or prevent you from being the best you can be.

 

How would I go about diffusing it?

 

I completely agree it's all about how you react to it. I'm just not sure if I have a problem... and if I do... how to fix it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

There are no guarantees in life for any relationship/marriage. But without trust, it's game over.

 

I completely trust her. I'm more scared about trusting me.

 

Without going into details... I just feel something is a bit off within myself lately. Doing stuff I would not normally do.

 

The more I think about it... there is a chance my self esteem hasn't entirely healed. I'm not sure what it's going to take to do that.

 

That's no secret since I announced the name change in multiple threads when I did it and retained my acronym.

My fingers are sealed since it would only bring you drama you don't need right now.

 

So many of us have had to change screen names. I'm not particularly worried about the LS drama factory.

 

Love your new name... It fits your life better now.

 

I've always valued your advice. It is honest, hard, and always cuts through the gray.

[snug.bunny]

How would I go about diffusing it?

 

Love.

 

I completely agree it's all about how you react to it. I'm just not sure if I have a problem... and if I do... how to fix it.

I'm not sure 'if' you do either. Maybe you're just feeling a bit nervous because everything is going very well for you and you're just a bit scared something will ruin it. Try to look forward to what good may come in the future, versus bad.

[threebyfate]

I completely trust her. I'm more scared about trusting me.

 

Without going into details... I just feel something is a bit off within myself lately. Doing stuff I would not normally do.

 

The more I think about it... there is a chance my self esteem hasn't entirely healed. I'm not sure what it's going to take to do that.

Don't do this to yourself. That's not the way to regain self-esteem. Be true to your values and to yourself. Be that man. Get some IC. This may source back farther than you might want to believe.

 

Love your new name... It fits your life better now.

 

I've always valued your advice. It is honest, hard, and always cuts through the gray.

Thanks. It needs to be changed soon since I'm growing a fourth, as we speak!

 

And much 'grats to you in your pending nuptials. Don't let your past affect your happy now. If we old-timers have learned nothing on LS, it's to not be like the bitter and cynical. Be who you were meant to be.

[jerbear]

Congrats on getting married next year.

 

I think LS is a concentration of the negatives of relationships. People come to LS to get and give advice. Plus face reality that not everything is fairy tales and forever. It is innocence lost. There are so many things that breaks people's dreams. Like I thought this is forever, made a marriage vow, rosy glasses, etc...

 

Granted there are success stories but that is after heartbreak.

 

I took a break from LS awhile back (most of last year) and came back earlier this year to close up shop but ended up sticking around.

[dreamingoftigers]

I feel like everyone primarily acts in their own self interests... even things that seem altruistic often come down to selfish motives.

 

I think that the primary goal is: survive. But even that glitches up sometimes.

 

I also believe that part of surviving is ensuring survival of the group as well.

 

But some things fall outside of that, like adopting children that were someone else's, just pure nature wouldn't have that so much. There seems to be a heavy internal drive to either help & save or just completely shame & pummel the weaker people.

 

Don't know.

 

I know that being "selfish" is hard for a lot of people but easier for others. I just may not be great at articulating it.

[Emilia]

Are people essentially good or bad?

 

Neither. People are people and there is only so much you can expect from many of them. Many are blind to lives and perspectives beyond their own. What I have learnt in the 39 years since I have been on this planet is that many struggle to work out reasons, flaws, issues, troubles, good, bad, solutions, perspectives. Most don't mean to harm you, they just don't know better.

[Taramere]

Congratulations on the engagement next year, UF. I'm curious about which poster you used to be now!

 

I like Emilia's response on the "are people good or bad" thing...but I have to say that I do believe some people are fundamentally lacking in empathy and a conscience and that the best therapy can achieve is to help them fake these things. A result that might often do more harm than good to the wider society.

 

Lord of the Flies is one of the all time classic studies on whether people are fundamentally good or bad. I think it's message was that at a very basic level people will tend do whatever they need to do in order to survive. That our society is concerned primarily with trying to prevent its own deterioration to the point where people resort to terrible, destructive and vicious behaviour in the bid to survive.

[missyme04]

I think I'm more worried that I will be the one to screw it up.

 

Dont worry too much If you're in a good relationship now then everything is fine. Dont even think that you're going to screw up coz that would be the reason for an unhealthy relationship. Go for it! you can do it

[xxoo]

I feel like everyone primarily acts in their own self interests... even things that seem altruistic often come down to selfish motives.

 

When fully invested in the relationship, there is a strong sense of "we". What is good for my partner is good for me, and vice versa. We are the same team. We are selfishly motivated to act in the team's best interest.