I think I'm done...and I'm okay with it

[GivenUp0083]

I just turned 29 and I'm going through a big transition in my life. Last year I had my heart broken by a woman I was crazy in love with and I would've loved her the rest of my life. The breakup was tough on me and took me at least 8 months to get over (sometimes we never truly become 100% over someone). I smoked a lot of weed to suppress the pain and it actually worked pretty well. Time is what healed me the most though.

 

Now I'm starting a new job in a week that will double my income, getting my own apartment, and I'm buying my first car. I feel like this is somewhat of a new beginning for me, but I want it to be one without any kind of focus or effort into finding a woman. I do want to get married someday and I do want kids because I think I would be a great husband/father and I think it would make me very happy.

 

However.....my love life has been very hard on me and I'm starting to see why men my age start losing their desire for relationships. I think I'm at a good place emotionally right now and I just don't want to mess it up by getting involved with a girl. I just seem to always find a girl that will burn me. I know what I want and what to look for in a girl, and I think that works against me as I fall too hard and too easily. I don't go all creepy or stalker, but I just like to believe I know when I've found something special.

 

Anyway, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I'm just so emotionally worn out. I thought this would fade as it's been well over a year since my hard breakup, but I really don't want to do this anymore. It's just not worth it for me and I lose too much emotionally. It's been like this with 3 women in my life that were special to me. I've dated a lot, mostly online. I've tried asking women out that I meet in public or through friends but I just have bad luck and it's never really lead to dates. I'm not desperate to just be with and marry anyone and I'd like to think I don't have ridiculous standards. I just can't put myself in a position that is setting me up to get burned again. I don't think its worth it and it doesn't last anyway.

 

I think moving forward I'm just going to continue focusing on myself and making myself happy. I know that people like to say things like "you'll find it when you aren't looking" and "it happens when you least expect it" but I don't believe any of that, it's just not true. I'm going to build a life for myself to be happy without any plans for a woman in my life because all that can really do is end in heart break or disappointment.

[fishtaco]

When your life is in order, it also makes it easier to chase/be with women. If you think you need time to focus on yourself and build a good foundation for the future for yourself, by all means, do it. Once your foundation is strong, you'll be surprised at how suddenly, you have extra bonus points with women.

[hotloader]

Anyway, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I'm just so emotionally worn out.

 

I'm totally with ya bro. Women have been the crux of my existence throughout the entirety of my adult life, and I'm at the point where I've decided to just cut out the cancer and focus on myself and my own world for a change. After what I've been through, I just can't find it in myself to take women seriously anymore. Every time I've stuck my neck out and put my emotions on the line, they've been trampled on. I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I've found modern women to be very cruel, shallow, selfish, and mean spirited. Dare I say soulless? I just don't need that $hit anymore in my life. My life now consists of my work, and self-improvement. I work out a lot more since I've been single, I eat better, I have more money, and I focus more on things like friendships and other productive ventures. I spend hours every night just shredding on the guitar until my hands cramp up. I've been playing since I've been able to physically hold one in my hands, but in these few months I can honestly say I've never sounded better. I'm trying to find a few guys to form a band with. I'm looking forward to the start of baseball season so that I can go to as many games as I possibly can.

 

Do I wanna give up all this so that I can blow my time and money taking another phony chick out on dates just so I can get screwed over in the end? Yeah no thanks. The gig is up, you freakin' sows.

[hotloader]

Once your foundation is strong, you'll be surprised at how suddenly, you have extra bonus points with women.

 

Yup. The world's oldest profession is certainly alive and well in North America.

[paloma22]

I just turned 29 and I'm going through a big transition in my life. Last year I had my heart broken by a woman I was crazy in love with and I would've loved her the rest of my life. The breakup was tough on me and took me at least 8 months to get over (sometimes we never truly become 100% over someone). I smoked a lot of weed to suppress the pain and it actually worked pretty well. Time is what healed me the most though.

 

Now I'm starting a new job in a week that will double my income, getting my own apartment, and I'm buying my first car. I feel like this is somewhat of a new beginning for me, but I want it to be one without any kind of focus or effort into finding a woman. I do want to get married someday and I do want kids because I think I would be a great husband/father and I think it would make me very happy.

 

However.....my love life has been very hard on me and I'm starting to see why men my age start losing their desire for relationships. I think I'm at a good place emotionally right now and I just don't want to mess it up by getting involved with a girl. I just seem to always find a girl that will burn me. I know what I want and what to look for in a girl, and I think that works against me as I fall too hard and too easily. I don't go all creepy or stalker, but I just like to believe I know when I've found something special.

 

Anyway, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I'm just so emotionally worn out. I thought this would fade as it's been well over a year since my hard breakup, but I really don't want to do this anymore. It's just not worth it for me and I lose too much emotionally. It's been like this with 3 women in my life that were special to me. I've dated a lot, mostly online. I've tried asking women out that I meet in public or through friends but I just have bad luck and it's never really lead to dates. I'm not desperate to just be with and marry anyone and I'd like to think I don't have ridiculous standards. I just can't put myself in a position that is setting me up to get burned again. I don't think its worth it and it doesn't last anyway.

 

I think moving forward I'm just going to continue focusing on myself and making myself happy. I know that people like to say things like "you'll find it when you aren't looking" and "it happens when you least expect it" but I don't believe any of that, it's just not true. I'm going to build a life for myself to be happy without any plans for a woman in my life because all that can really do is end in heart break or disappointment.

 

I feel your pain and as a 24 year old female, have pretty much decided to do the same thing after getting badly burned recently by a guy i only went out with a few times. I just don't handle rejection well, and i don't see it as being worth it emotionally. I've been in 2 long relationships, but now it seems nothing works in meeting new potential rls and I just feel heartache/ rejection which isn't worth the distraction from my own self worth! may sound terribly pessimistic, and i may 'waste my youth' but hopefully when I'm in my 30s and happy in having achieved my hopes and dreams, i won't need validation from a man anyways.

 

So, I am basically just working on myself/ career for the next few years (going back to school after finishing a masters soon to retake courses and go after my dream). I am no longer going to seek out anything, and I hope that by being super busy and motivated to succeed personally, I won't give two you know whats about meeting mr right.

Edited March 19, 2012 by paloma22

[fishtaco]

Yup. The world's oldest profession is certainly alive and well in North America.

 

I don't think it's just North America. This is just how the world works. While some women will happily support a man that just stays home and look pretty, not many women would do that. Even to the "non-gold diggers", social status/wealth is still an attractive quality. Only difference is the position they place this quality on their list of priorities.

[Teknoe]

Good for you, OP!

 

I realized this sobering truth myself last year, but it was re-emphasized early beginning of 2012.

 

Take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. The rest usually takes care of itself. I wish you well.

[Leigh 87]

would you rather have a great life, and eliminate the risk of getting heart broken, but miss out on the overwhelming feeling that love brings you on a dailt basis?

 

On the other hand, you can risk it, and end up finding a person to be with for a long, long time, if not your entire lives.

You can choose to be happy and safe, or happIER, with the risk of getting hurt.

 

I know your life if great, but being in love makes life better, it seriosuly enriches life, so not not go without it because of bad luck.

[hotloader]

I feel your pain and as a 24 year old female, have pretty much decided to do the same thing after getting badly burned recently by a guy i only went out with a few times. I just don't handle rejection well, and i don't see it as being worth it emotionally.

 

Oh please. You're a 24 year old college chick. You'll be back out in the scene by next weekend.

[pennycoco21]

Good luck for u.

[Teal]

There is a point where you just need to shift your priorities, yes. If you're really unhappy with your dating life and can't seem to turn it around, it's probably for the best. There may come a point where it really does change, and there may not - but you need to tend to your own life regardless.

 

I hope your healing process goes smoothly.

[hotloader]

would you rather have a great life, and eliminate the risk of getting heart broken, but miss out on the overwhelming feeling that love brings you on a dailt basis?

 

Sounds like a plan to me.

[Leigh 87]

Fair enough. If I were to go down that road, of not risking getting hurt.,... I would at least have some fun flings then.

 

 

Love makes life richer though, and more meaningful. Come one, it is HARD to get super meaningful friends, who would do anything for you; that is what a relationship is for. To do everything for a person, and regularly give your all to them.

 

 

Not a whole lot of friends would absolutely go out of there way for you, spend a lot of their time with you, opposed to their partners who they love, and become super meaningly people to you, on a deap level.

 

Good friends are hard to find in my opinion, and a relationship, while not necessary, does give you access to a more meaningful connection than your friends can give you.

[westrock]

You can choose to be happy and safe, or happIER, with the risk of getting hurt.

 

I believe the above posters are essentially saying they prefer being "happy and safe" for now because they've been hurt too much when they tried to pursue the "happIER with the risk of getting hurt" route.

 

If given a choice, I think most people prefer a relationship rather than being single, but they want a relationship that is happy and safe, and not a relationship where they may be happIER but have the risk of getting hurt.

[TheFinalWord]

I just turned 29 and I'm going through a big transition in my life. Last year I had my heart broken by a woman I was crazy in love with and I would've loved her the rest of my life. The breakup was tough on me and took me at least 8 months to get over (sometimes we never truly become 100% over someone). I smoked a lot of weed to suppress the pain and it actually worked pretty well. Time is what healed me the most though.

 

Now I'm starting a new job in a week that will double my income, getting my own apartment, and I'm buying my first car. I feel like this is somewhat of a new beginning for me, but I want it to be one without any kind of focus or effort into finding a woman. I do want to get married someday and I do want kids because I think I would be a great husband/father and I think it would make me very happy.

 

However.....my love life has been very hard on me and I'm starting to see why men my age start losing their desire for relationships. I think I'm at a good place emotionally right now and I just don't want to mess it up by getting involved with a girl. I just seem to always find a girl that will burn me. I know what I want and what to look for in a girl, and I think that works against me as I fall too hard and too easily. I don't go all creepy or stalker, but I just like to believe I know when I've found something special.

 

Anyway, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I'm just so emotionally worn out. I thought this would fade as it's been well over a year since my hard breakup, but I really don't want to do this anymore. It's just not worth it for me and I lose too much emotionally. It's been like this with 3 women in my life that were special to me. I've dated a lot, mostly online. I've tried asking women out that I meet in public or through friends but I just have bad luck and it's never really lead to dates. I'm not desperate to just be with and marry anyone and I'd like to think I don't have ridiculous standards. I just can't put myself in a position that is setting me up to get burned again. I don't think its worth it and it doesn't last anyway.

 

I think moving forward I'm just going to continue focusing on myself and making myself happy. I know that people like to say things like "you'll find it when you aren't looking" and "it happens when you least expect it" but I don't believe any of that, it's just not true. I'm going to build a life for myself to be happy without any plans for a woman in my life because all that can really do is end in heart break or disappointment.

 

I think that your mentality is 50% correct.

 

You do need to have a life in which you are content being single. You need happiness independent of a relationship; that will actually make you a better mate in the future.

 

I understand you are hurt. But it's not healthy to automatically assume that any relationship you get in will be a disaster. If you are not ready for a relationship right now, it's good to recognize that. Honestly, I think you need to heal first. But don't fall into the trap of self-fulfilled prophecy

[Leigh 87]

He should only proceed then, if he has a serious talk to the girl that really draws him in, and gets to know them first...

 

When he knows she is the real deal, and there is no doubt that he wants to be close to her in a relationship, he should just communicate well with her, and tell her that he needs a girl who is self aware, and knows what she wants, and is unlikely to do a 180....

 

Of course, you never know what is around the corner, however, you do need a girl who can at least SENSE changes in the relationship, and communicate about it before she sudenly leaves out of the blue....

 

 

Generally, I think people can know if they are all in the relationship after a year or more, and they know if they are stable in the relationship.

 

Of course, the OP needs to enjoy a great single life first, and only consider relationships when an outstanding person MAKES him WANT to change his mind. AS we ALL should.

 

Too many people go into relationships because they are great, and they want one. People forget to cool it down, and wait, and focus onthemselves, and LET them happen when they are NOT looking, and INADVERTENTlY find the right person!!!

[GivenUp0083]

He should only proceed then, if he has a serious talk to the girl that really draws him in, and gets to know them first...

 

When he knows she is the real deal, and there is no doubt that he wants to be close to her in a relationship, he should just communicate well with her, and tell her that he needs a girl who is self aware, and knows what she wants, and is unlikely to do a 180....

 

Of course, you never know what is around the corner, however, you do need a girl who can at least SENSE changes in the relationship, and communicate about it before she sudenly leaves out of the blue....

 

 

Generally, I think people can know if they are all in the relationship after a year or more, and they know if they are stable in the relationship.

 

Of course, the OP needs to enjoy a great single life first, and only consider relationships when an outstanding person MAKES him WANT to change his mind. AS we ALL should.

 

Too many people go into relationships because they are great, and they want one. People forget to cool it down, and wait, and focus onthemselves, and LET them happen when they are NOT looking, and INADVERTENTlY find the right person!!!

 

I don't really know if what you're claiming really even works. If both parties are taking a passive approach, then neither one will initiate or pursue. It's typically on the male the pursue, and I know women today are pursuing more and more. I think I just need to wait until a woman pursues me now that I think about it. I've put plenty of time and effort into pursuing various women in different ways and I think I've done my time and my share of the effort.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, this just reinforces what I'm going to do with my life. The hardest thing will be to quit my bad habits of asking out girls or jumping back on a dating site. It's a slippery slope and if I truly want to be happy I need stop myself before I get the thought in my head to pursue a girl. It'll require some serious self-discipline, but I think it's a good challenge, I just need a good solid reminder to help myself remember the pain that comes with pursuing a relationship.

[GivenUp0083]

bump this please

[Imajerk17]

If you don't want to date now, then don't. Women allow themselves to "take a break from dating", so why can't men. You can change your mind later.

Edited March 23, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Eddie Edirol]

Hey GU, taking a break isnt going to prevent you from getting hurt again, you have to look deeper into why youre getting hurt, and why you keep getting burned. Its something YOURE doing. You said it yourself, you fall too fast. You have to flip that. Women want to work for your heart, and not all at once. Thats how it works. When you just hand it over, they lose attraction, when its too easy. Same thing with men. You need to look up dating dynamics and you will see what youre doing wrong. Then, and only then will you understand how to date, and how to avoid getting in too deep with the wrong person.

 

You take a break now, a year or so later you will get the urge to try again, but you will still go in ignorant, and get burned again. Gotta do some research, because what youre doing isnt going to work, and its not just going to come to you while youre taking time off. You will be way out of practice.

[GivenUp0083]

Hey GU, taking a break isnt going to prevent you from getting hurt again, you have to look deeper into why youre getting hurt, and why you keep getting burned. Its something YOURE doing. You said it yourself, you fall too fast. You have to flip that. Women want to work for your heart, and not all at once. Thats how it works. When you just hand it over, they lose attraction, when its too easy. Same thing with men. You need to look up dating dynamics and you will see what youre doing wrong. Then, and only then will you understand how to date, and how to avoid getting in too deep with the wrong person.

 

You take a break now, a year or so later you will get the urge to try again, but you will still go in ignorant, and get burned again. Gotta do some research, because what youre doing isnt going to work, and its not just going to come to you while youre taking time off. You will be way out of practice.

 

It's not something I'm doing, it doesn't even go that far most times. I'm just sick of dating the same girls every time. I try to weed out ones I'm not into and the ones that I think are like the ones I used to date, but they disappointment me every time.

[Eddie Edirol]

It's not something I'm doing, it doesn't even go that far most times. I'm just sick of dating the same girls every time. I try to weed out ones I'm not into and the ones that I think are like the ones I used to date, but they disappointment me every time.

 

How did they burn you? Did they all burn you?

[GivenUp0083]

How did they burn you? Did they all burn you?

 

Just usually they'd disappear after 4 or 5 dates. And these were good dates, no awkwardness, no odd moments, had a lot in common, a lot of flirting, usually making out at the end of at least one of the dates. I even slept with a girl after 4 dates and she was the only one to tell me she didn't think we'd make it long term. All the others did the "fade away" after so many dates. No goodbye, no "I'm not feeling the chemistry" text or anything, just stopped returning calls. This probably has happened to me at least 10 times.

 

As for the women I've had relationships with and fallen for....they just didn't appreciate me. They'd do things like try to get me to say I love them. They'd talk about the future, having kids, getting married. My last girl introduced me to her entire family, and on the way in the car she says "just so you know I don't introduce guys to my family unless they're going to be around a while". She dropped me 2 months later 3 days after I spend 7 hours on a saturday helping her move apartments.

 

I had another girlfriend that used to stand me up and disappear afterward for a week or two. Then she'd come back crying complaining about some super tragic event that prevented her from calling me back for so long. Happened like 6 times. Never again.

 

I had a girl in college for 2 years who used to go out partying with guys at bars (she had a fake ID, I did not) and then she'd get all defensive when I asked. She'd spend more time in the summers with her "guy friend" than me, even when I traveled 2 hours to see her for a weekend, she'd be out with him and say she had plans already that weekend (after I planned that weekend with her over a month prior).

 

All that's just the tip of the iceburg. I'm trying really hard not to be bitter, I'm sure my typing comes across that way, but think of it as me just being tired. It's not worth it anymore, there's more things I can do with my life to make me happy. I just need to stop pursing women altogether. If they approach me and I'm in the driver seat then fine. But I'm done hunting.

[Eddie Edirol]

Hey like I said, this isnt them, this is you. You need to do some research to find out how you are turning these women off, and see through their acting. I dont believe you are picking the same kind of women, I just believe youre doing something to turn them off. Maybe being too eager, maybe they think youre too into them for some reason. Like I said, you can stop dating, but when you get bnack into sdating again after that, you will make he same mistakes, and get the same results unless you figure out how you are turning them off. Research my man, dating dynamics, look it up.

[LZ2000]

I fully 100% agree with what the OP said, however it got me thinking much about when you just couldn't be bothered anymore about relationships, that women start to see you as a hot catch.

 

Just usually they'd disappear after 4 or 5 dates. And these were good dates, no awkwardness, no odd moments, had a lot in common, a lot of flirting, usually making out at the end of at least one of the dates. I even slept with a girl after 4 dates and she was the only one to tell me she didn't think we'd make it long term. All the others did the "fade away" after so many dates. No goodbye, no "I'm not feeling the chemistry" text or anything, just stopped returning calls. This probably has happened to me at least 10 times.

 

As for the women I've had relationships with and fallen for....they just didn't appreciate me. They'd do things like try to get me to say I love them. They'd talk about the future, having kids, getting married. My last girl introduced me to her entire family, and on the way in the car she says "just so you know I don't introduce guys to my family unless they're going to be around a while". She dropped me 2 months later 3 days after I spend 7 hours on a saturday helping her move apartments.

 

I had another girlfriend that used to stand me up and disappear afterward for a week or two. Then she'd come back crying complaining about some super tragic event that prevented her from calling me back for so long. Happened like 6 times. Never again.

 

I had a girl in college for 2 years who used to go out partying with guys at bars (she had a fake ID, I did not) and then she'd get all defensive when I asked. She'd spend more time in the summers with her "guy friend" than me, even when I traveled 2 hours to see her for a weekend, she'd be out with him and say she had plans already that weekend (after I planned that weekend with her over a month prior).

 

All that's just the tip of the iceburg. I'm trying really hard not to be bitter, I'm sure my typing comes across that way, but think of it as me just being tired. It's not worth it anymore, there's more things I can do with my life to make me happy. I just need to stop pursing women altogether. If they approach me and I'm in the driver seat then fine. But I'm done hunting.

 

Well, the dating world is incredibly volatile and even more so damaging to those who seek a genuine relationship. But honestly, just take a break, relax and feel the freshness of your new found freedom.

Edited March 28, 2012 by LZ2000