He lost interest, and I'm hurting.

[veggirl]

Look, I dont know why everyone else automatically assumes the only reason for this guy behavior was that he was just after sex. It could have been that, or it could have been a number of things.

 

Hmm. Actually people offered up lots of perspectives. In just my post, i offered that she was too sexual or not sexual enough. Either way, if this guy was "loving" he'd tell her flat out what is going on. Oh, and I still think that she came off needy/clingy and that is why he bailed. And that has nothing to do with the sexual interaction they had.

[FitChick]

I would also appreciate some advice for future dating endeavors, because these are learning experiences. I just feel slightly manipulated and very silly, like I didn't play my cards properly/ was too gullible. Its all so weird. Men are odd (not to say I would not love to hear from the male side of this!). Any advice, words of wisdom, or thoughts would be very much appreciated ☺

 

Watch the DVD The Ugly Truth.

 

Perhaps your getting naked reminded him too much of work at the hospital.

[paloma22]

Look, I dont know why everyone else automatically assumes the only reason for this guy behavior was that he was just after sex. It could have been that, or it could have been a number of things.

 

Im going to put myself in his shoes. If I was him and I bailed after hooking up (sans sex), here are my possible reasons:

 

a) Honey, I met you through my family, and your a very sweet girl...but I just dont feel that spark that lets me know Id want to make you my girlfriend. Sure I like sex, I am a man, but I was not going to push it that night. I was going to enjoy things for what they were. After our date I thought about the whole situation and felt it was better to nip the situation in the butt instead of potentially leading you on.

 

I was affectionate and caring because a sweet girl like you brings that out of me...plus Im just a loving guy...however I just dont feel "it" with you, despite our sexual chemistry. Theres more to it than just sexual chemistry...people tend to know how they will feel about a person after a few dates and then its hard to change that.

 

Also, given that my family knows you, I dont want to risk the drama of us not working out later...so I axed everything now since I wasnt sure we have long term potential.

 

b) I did just want to have some fun and you seem like a cool girl...but you didnt seem absolutely up to it so I bailed. Its not in me to do all that with a chick who is obviously more into me than I am into her.

 

Its not your body...you saw how we connected...if it was your body, I wouldnt have reacted to you the way I did when we were alone. A guy knows how he feels about a girls body before getting her out of her clothes. If he doesnt like her body, the clothes wont come off.

 

If I thought you were easy, I wouldnt have tried to hook up with you, because easy girls are turn off and risky to my health. I wouldnt say you seemed needy in the early going either...however this thread and the way you are handling the situation is needy and alarming.

 

Miss, you hardly know me...and though we had a good time after a few dates, you have to roll with the punches. We did not even have sex...so I shouldnt have such an affect on you that your walls now go back up. Go out and date and trust me youll find the right guy for you.

 

Isnt it better that I backed off now and didnt lead you on? Imagine how much worse you would have felt if I dragged it out. You ladies need to learn how to take rejection...its a part of life...and after only 3 dates, its not the biggest deal in world, especially since we didnt even have sex. Some guys will like you, some wont. But dont let one rejection turn you off to the idea of putting yourself out there.

 

well kaylan, i think this post has been the most optimistic of all of them, and also quite believable in the first person! thank you haha. i hope some of those things are in fact true. so many things to consider, its just funny that i will probably never know the real answer, but i can guarantee you the answer(s) are somewhere within this thread!

[paloma22]

Watch the DVD The Ugly Truth.

 

Perhaps your getting naked reminded him too much of work at the hospital.

 

haha! i think i have seen it but may have to watch it again. if thats the case, that will be the least of my concerns lol. he picked OBS/GYN, tough luck if touching a vag outside of his day job isn't exciting enough.

[paloma22]

From what you are describing, the problem is with him not you. He's the one that got scared and backed off, not vice versa.

 

oh i agree with you. as you will read somewhere in this post, i was very up front and asked when i could see him again, giving him my days free, only to never hear from him again..

totally awesome.

[paloma22]

Tell him to get on this forum so we can talk to him about what went down between you two!

 

(lol -- that would be fun if that could happen...)

 

Here's an email a male friend of mine wrote to me when I was obsessing over my similar situation:

 

"youre obsessing too much about this! theres no way it wouldve worked out, so theres no point in acting like this or that would have changed it. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID IT WOULDNT HAVE WORKED OUT - thats the point, in a nutshell."

 

Seriously, try to forget the guy. It's not important. Getting rejected, especially if hasn't been "every single guy in your life," shouldn't mean too much.

 

You win some, you lose some.

 

I agree. I think i do get emotionally involved easily, and in future, i just can't get intimate with someone when i don't know their intentions. but just as often, you can't know someones intentions until getting intimate. its weird, and hard to judge.

 

You're right. rejection is a part of life. its just not a fun trend thats all. Hopefully that will be the last one for a while because i will be smarter next time.

 

As for it never working, you are right. it wouldn't have worked. it just was nice at the time/ gave me a taste of something i hadn't had in a while. We get caught up and rational thinking sometimes goes astray. such is life sometimes i suppose.

[Leigh 87]

Either way, he is RUDE - he could have handled it WAY better!

 

 

Instead of ignoring you, all he had to say was " sorry, I had a great time and likd being around you, but I just do not want to take it any further"

 

 

He could disclose the reasons, or not. YOu are already feeling rejected, better to know why or at least have him be polite enough to end it with some more class.

[paloma22]

Look, I dont know why everyone else automatically assumes the only reason for this guy behavior was that he was just after sex. It could have been that, or it could have been a number of things.

 

Im going to put myself in his shoes. If I was him and I bailed after hooking up (sans sex), here are my possible reasons:

 

a) Honey, I met you through my family, and your a very sweet girl...but I just dont feel that spark that lets me know Id want to make you my girlfriend. Sure I like sex, I am a man, but I was not going to push it that night. I was going to enjoy things for what they were. After our date I thought about the whole situation and felt it was better to nip the situation in the butt instead of potentially leading you on.

 

I was affectionate and caring because a sweet girl like you brings that out of me...plus Im just a loving guy...however I just dont feel "it" with you, despite our sexual chemistry. Theres more to it than just sexual chemistry...people tend to know how they will feel about a person after a few dates and then its hard to change that.

 

Also, given that my family knows you, I dont want to risk the drama of us not working out later...so I axed everything now since I wasnt sure we have long term potential.

 

b) I did just want to have some fun and you seem like a cool girl...but you didnt seem absolutely up to it so I bailed. Its not in me to do all that with a chick who is obviously more into me than I am into her.

 

Its not your body...you saw how we connected...if it was your body, I wouldnt have reacted to you the way I did when we were alone. A guy knows how he feels about a girls body before getting her out of her clothes. If he doesnt like her body, the clothes wont come off.

 

If I thought you were easy, I wouldnt have tried to hook up with you, because easy girls are turn off and risky to my health. I wouldnt say you seemed needy in the early going either...however this thread and the way you are handling the situation is needy and alarming.

 

Miss, you hardly know me...and though we had a good time after a few dates, you have to roll with the punches. We did not even have sex...so I shouldnt have such an affect on you that your walls now go back up. Go out and date and trust me youll find the right guy for you.

 

Isnt it better that I backed off now and didnt lead you on? Imagine how much worse you would have felt if I dragged it out. You ladies need to learn how to take rejection...its a part of life...and after only 3 dates, its not the biggest deal in world, especially since we didnt even have sex. Some guys will like you, some wont. But dont let one rejection turn you off to the idea of putting yourself out there.

 

Side note: i agree with you that in reality, i don't think he was after sex. sure with the right girl its what someone wants eventually, but i think he was looking for a RL and i wasn't the right fit for him at this point/ it maybe wasn't worth the effort for the little time he does have. i'm not tooting his horn because I'm very busy too, but to make time for someone when you're that busy, it has to be worth it 'enough'.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to. He sounds like a Player myself. I was with someone like that a few years back, he was so lame he actually told me about his doubts VIA EMAIL the day after we had done the deed. Needless to say I never contacted him again after that. It hurts, no question. But think of it this way based on what you said after explaining the events of the story:

 

The first thing you did was blame yourself and your body issues. DON'T. Women in general like to blame themselves if and when something doesn't work out. You said so yourself that he was/is being aloof with you, so he's not interested. He doesn't deserve you. It hurts, but you'll be ok in the long run if you decide not to call or see him again after this.

[missyme04]

Well the fact that he invited you over his house was to get laid. So why did you go into this guys house without expecting that?

 

I also agree on this. hmmm. It was better if you didnt went to his place that early. But dont think about that now. LIVE life to the fullest and dont think tooooo much about what happened coz it only went 3 dates. It's not that promising. Go with your friends. Love will just come around and one day someone will walk into your life and sweep you off your feet.

 

[Dusk1983]

LIVE life to the fullest and dont think tooooo much about what happened coz it only went 3 dates. Love will just come around and one day someone will walk into your life and sweep you off your feet.

 

I'll love to come back to you in 10 years with this quote. Too many young girls genuinely believe this then wake up at 35 wondering why they're sharing a flat with cats.

 

This isn't the movies. Get a grip of your own life.

[paloma22]

I'll love to come back to you in 10 years with this quote. Too many young girls genuinely believe this then wake up at 35 wondering why they're sharing a flat with cats.

 

This isn't the movies. Get a grip of your own life.

 

i tend to agree with you. I'm a bit of a realist, which is why i analyze things to pieces, hoping to learn from it for the future. whether this is constructive, who knows. its just the way i am. and i may very well be that 35 year old waking up with cats! but I'm hoping i will at least by then be happy with my accomplishments, and most importantly, myself. thats something i have and continue to struggle with. and boys that have no respect for my time/ me do not help that. i think this particular guy did not show respect for me in the end, and thats fine, but in future, i need to be more respectful to myself in not letting him drag out all the BS. the decisions to go to his house, hook up, etc. were my own, but its the extension and the 'what ifs' and all that crap that made me lose a bit of respect for myself, and i need to learn from that. NO guy is worth losing any sense of self worth. its worth taking risks, but its about mitigating the effects of those risks.

[paloma22]

Either way, he is RUDE - he could have handled it WAY better!

 

 

Instead of ignoring you, all he had to say was " sorry, I had a great time and likd being around you, but I just do not want to take it any further"

 

 

He could disclose the reasons, or not. YOu are already feeling rejected, better to know why or at least have him be polite enough to end it with some more class.

 

He was rude, and disrespectful in the end. I am disappointed in myself for letting it get to that point of disrespect, but i was also taking chances. its hard to rationalize the good over the bad, while still maintaining dignity and self worth. whether i lost any self worth because of this guys 'games', who knows. but i need to gain it back, and quick! its just not worth it.

[paloma22]

 

He was rude, and disrespectful in the end (in a very passive way). I am disappointed in myself for letting it get to that point of disrespect by allowing him to drag things /lead me on, but i was also taking chances. its hard to rationalize the good over the bad, while still maintaining dignity and self worth. whether i lost any self worth because of this guys 'games', who knows. but i need to gain it back, and quick.

[Professor X]

He was rude, and disrespectful in the end. I am disappointed in myself for letting it get to that point of disrespect, but i was also taking chances. its hard to rationalize the good over the bad, while still maintaining dignity and self worth. whether i lost any self worth because of this guys 'games', who knows. but i need to gain it back, and quick! its just not worth it.

Don't be so hard on yourself, just live and learn, stand up more for yourself and try and sniff the red flags earlier.

Life is all about learning after all.

[Jane2011]

 

He was rude, and disrespectful in the end (in a very passive way). I am disappointed in myself for letting it get to that point of disrespect by allowing him to drag things /lead me on, but i was also taking chances. its hard to rationalize the good over the bad, while still maintaining dignity and self worth. whether i lost any self worth because of this guys 'games', who knows. but i need to gain it back, and quick.

 

You may be able to rationalize later that you had an enjoyable time that night. And that you learned from the whole experience.

 

You'll laugh - or at least not cry - about this in the very near future. I keep a personal journal (and have for a long time), and when I read back to things that had me all bent out of shape last year in March, I laugh because I couldn't give a darn about that person or that situation in the least anymore.

 

It may also help when you meet someone you like more than him. That's what did it for me when I had a guy do something similar to what yours did. As a matter of fact, the guy who bailed on me after we fooled around (even had sex) just called me about two hours ago (we have been friends for a long time, so our deal was this 'blip' in a long-term friends relationship). I feel fairly indifferent to him and think he's kind of a crazy person. Still a pal to me, but a crazy person nonetheless.

 

By the way, what did your guy do that was "rude and disrespectful" at the end? You didn't mention that in other posts. As a matter of fact, from your other posts, it seems like he was fairly respectful about things. But apparently not? Do tell, 'cause I'd love to read about it and seethe about his jerkiness.

Edited March 21, 2012 by Jane2011

[paloma22]

 

You may be able to rationalize later that you had an enjoyable time that night. And that you learned from the whole experience.

 

You'll laugh - or at least not cry - about this in the very near future. I keep a personal journal (and have for a long time), and when I read back to things that had me all bent out of shape last year in March, I laugh because I couldn't give a darn about that person or that situation in the least anymore.

 

It may also help when you meet someone you like more than him. That's what did it for me when I had a guy do something similar to what yours did. As a matter of fact, the guy who bailed on me after we fooled around (even had sex) just called me about two hours ago (we have been friends for a long time, so our deal was this 'blip' in a long-term friends relationship). I feel fairly indifferent to him and think he's kind of a crazy person. Still a pal to me, but a crazy person nonetheless.

 

By the way, what did your guy do that was "rude and disrespectful" at the end? You didn't mention that in other posts. As a matter of fact, from your other posts, it seems like he was fairly respectful about things. But apparently not? Do tell, 'cause I'd love to read about it and seethe about his jerkiness.

 

Jane, I think it wasn't directly rude or disrespectful, but the way he handled the situation (as per Leigh's post), was a bit lacking respect. He could have been up front with me, not toting me along thinking there was still some hope or whatever. I realize most guys don't like confrontation, and they will likely lie or be aloof or fluffy in responses than be direct, its just really annoying and disrespectful of my time/ me. He should have just not called me after that phone call i made post the hookup. But being an egotistic male, i suppose he wanted to keep his options open for a few more weeks, even if he knew there wouldn't be another date. Just seems so wrong. I suppose in that sense, he was rude, but not directly. Either way, jerk.

[paloma22]

My thoughts are all over the place here but here goes.

 

It's not your body. He had a good idea of what your body 'type' was before you had your clothes off. If he was going to be turned off by your body, it would have happened before you had your clothes off and would have come across as 'disinterest' probably long before you got to that point. Maybe even before the second date.

 

A friend of mine summed it up nicely one day when we were having a conversation about nipple sizes (yes I know, I need a life). She said 'I have never had a guy tell me I had amazing nipples, but I've also never had a guy say to me 'get those things outta my face!' either'. My opinion is, once you're naked he's not hyperanalyzing what your body looks like and picking it apart like you're trying to do here. He's just not. Let it go with the body thing!!!

 

Believe me, if he thought 4th date= sex and he was only looking for sex, he would have asked you out again regardless of what your body looks like naked if he considered you a 'sure thing' and he was only looking for sex.

 

Sexy underwear. Some women wear sexy underware just for fun. Heck I do it sometimes when my only task for the day is grocery shopping. Makes me feel sexy. Puts a pep in my step. He doesn't know if you wear lacy thongs every day or not so he's not going to judge that once you had your clothes off and saw them that you were 'prepared' to go further with him, therefore considering you easy. Not in my opinion.

 

The friends thing. I agree that if you've been dating a guy for a while and he will not/does not introduce you to his friends it's a bad sign. BUT I don't consider it a good sign that he does it early on. Some people (men and women) have that hang up with the friends thing, and reserve introducing their friends for only a serious/meaningful relationship. Some people consider people they are newly dating 'friends' of theirs so therefore why wouldn't they invite them out with other 'friends' of theirs? You're reading too much into this.

 

You're grasping at straws here trying to find a reason and there may be no reason that will ever make sense to you. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he's gay. Maybe you're too forward for him. Maybe aliens took over his brain one night. Maybe something stressful happened in his life and he thought to himself 'I have no time to date, who am I kidding, I should let this nice girl go before we get too involved, I just don't have time in my life right now'.

 

The only thing you can do is learn from it and move on. He's not into you right now, he lost interest. You might not know the reason, ever. So don't drive yourself crazy.

 

The lesson? Imagine you went on the same 3rd date with this guy out in a public place and all clothing stayed on and you parted ways and then he was acting the same way.

 

In that scenario at least you wouldn't be wondering 'Does he think I'm too easy? Does he not like my naked body? Are my boobs too small?' on and on and on.

 

You would still have some questions about why is he acting this way, but at least your dignity and self esteem (all of the body questions you're asking yourself and all of this wondering if it was your behavior) would be off the table. Ahhhhh! Doesn't that feel better?

 

It might not be anything you did at all. But when you KNOW that it was nothing you did, then it removes all this self doubt that you're having.

 

Lesson learned.

 

I just reared this post Curly. Thank you. You are right, had the situation been slightly different with the same outcome, i wouldn't be questioning myself AS MUCH. At the same time, can't turn back time, but for future its best to wait before getting intimate i suppose. In my past 3 yr relationship, this was not the case, but i think its probably 'safer' to wait. Lesson learned, indeed.

[blueskyday]

A couple of things to remember:

 

1. When we don't have full information, our brain will fill in the blanks -- with the worst case scenario. It's our brain's way of protecting us from harm....So that's what you did absent of any more info after your semi-hookup. Your brain said, "Hmmm, all was well before. Then we stripped down to our undies. Then things were different. Ding Ding Ding. That must have been it!" It wasn't, of course. Tell yourself something positive. Like that night didn't matter. He would have been flakey later on. Or he isn't on the same page as you, and he realized he wasn't ready.

 

You can take it a step further and ask yourself if you would even want to be around a guy who takes a step back after a step closer. It's not the cha-cha! Two people need to be moving TOWARDS each other.

 

2. He called you back a few times when he was no longer interested most likely because he was doing the "fade out" which is a chicken sh#t way of cutting things off. He didn't want to look "rude."

 

3. It was about him, not you. Repeat that to yourself. We don't really know what was going on with him, in his world, and what his past hangups are, etc...Just know that you didn't feel very good, or safe at the end there. That's enough to know it wasn't right FOR YOU!

 

4. Your body is awesome! Any guy who likes you and is dating you will like your body. Trust me. It has nothing to do with your boobs! I have small boobs, big nipples. Guys LOVE them! If they didn't, then they can't have them...haha...I'm confident. Sexy is loving sex and being close with a guy you are really into and can respond to. So, know it wasn't anything about your amazing body.

 

5. Mind games suck. I play them, too. It helps me to remember what a great male friend told me after a break up. I was overanalyzing the whole thing. If I had only done this, then that would have changed everything...Wrong! He told me: "If it was meant to work out it would have. A guy will try hard to make it work if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to, then you don't want him."

 

Well, that was more than a couple...Everyone has given you such great advice. Soon you will realize you have thought enough about it, and will let it go. Sometimes there is no lesson involved. He just wasn't the ONE! Next!

Edited March 22, 2012 by blueskyday