He lost interest, and I'm hurting.

[paloma22]

You know what...why am I even wasting my time...you're working way too hard at trying to feel bad about your body, so I'll just tell you what you want to hear!

 

It's your body Paloma, guys hate small boobs, they turn down women for small boobs alllllll of the time....your warm, wet vagina can't even convince a man to sleep with you, you should feel horrible about yourself and beat yourself up in the mirror every day how you got rejected for not being in better shape.

 

There you happy? since you seem to want to believe in that ridiculousness...If you can't get over the fact that this just wasn't that into you for reasons unrelated to your body then you have bigger fish to fry with yourself. You're leaving yourself open to be extremely exploited by men for something that they could care less about just by using your insecurity as a weakness to control you.

 

The funny thing is I bet you have a great body.

 

Ninja I am definitely not trying to disagree with you, I really appreciate all of this great advice, and it is helping me 'see the light'. I guess I am just a 'look at all options' kind of person, and sometimes I like to focus my energy on the negatives, when I should not be. So please ignore that.

 

It may very well not be my body. I have a good body, and my boobs are the only thing Im self conscious of, and as I mentioned, he did say he would have a boner for a week. So moving forward, not overanalyzing what went wrong, I will definitely be more careful and wait before going to a guys house and getting frisky (even if i wanted it which I did). I don't think it was erectile dysfunction on his part, but ya, maybe it was something. Or maybe it was a combination of something related to sexual chemistry, and something to do with not being 'enough' of a fit, which i could also see.

 

I guess its just unfortunate because I felt he didn't really give me a chance. It just seems a pattern for me. Other than my two long relationships, I have had two guys tie my along emotionally, get intimate with me (without having sex) and then just say 'he wasn't feeling it'. I just want to have the tools to not get into this situation again. And someone made a good point about being up front. How up front on dates 1-3 is 'too up front'? How can I weed out these kinds of guys?

 

This was an odd situation, because it was a blind date. It was hard to know from the start the true nature of his interest in me, or intentions.

[paloma22]

In regards to your last post, the reasons do not matter.

 

It is normal for a guy to bring a girl out to meet his friends? Some guys care, some guys could care less. Usually It's a good sign but it doesn't mean he is guaranteed into you. Sometimes guys are themselves and just do things the way they want to, they don't care how you interpret it or not.

 

Bottom line: If he was interested then he would have continued to pursue you, that's all that matters. The reasons won't be good enough, it's a never ending circle. Stop feeling bad about yourself, he's not laughing at you...If anything he's the one who lacks judging from how he handled everything with you from what you've said so far, he sounds like an idiot/douche and a guy w issues imo but that's irrelevant.

 

You're just being way too insecure, I know it hurts and It feels really bad but trust me you're taking things way too far, let it settle for a week or so. Seems he had you going, but do you really even want to be w a guy like that? think about it...he did you a favor.

 

Stop holding onto those initial experiences/connections, that kind of thing isn't as real as you think it is and you'll see that once this passes over.

 

Also, I have to ask: Why would be have invited me to meet his friends and their gfs (they all seemed to like me/ we got along), if he was not interested? What was he thinking in doing this (it must have been a calculated decision)?

[xxoo]

I guess its just unfortunate because I felt he didn't really give me a chance. It just seems a pattern for me. Other than my two long relationships, I have had two guys tie my along emotionally, get intimate with me (without having sex) and then just say 'he wasn't feeling it'. I just want to have the tools to not get into this situation again. And someone made a good point about being up front. How up front on dates 1-3 is 'too up front'? How can I weed out these kinds of guys? .

 

I'm not sure you can weed them out any better than how you are. Delaying actual sex until you are sure that you both "feel it" is working for you.

 

The trick may be to invest less emotion in the very early stage of dating. You need to get to know them much better before you start thinking relationship potential.

[Jane2011]

Also, I have to ask: Why would be have invited me to meet his friends and their gfs (they all seemed to like me/ we got along), if he was not interested? What was he thinking in doing this (it must have been a calculated decision)?

 

I think he was interested in you but changed his mind.

[Professor X]

I'm not sure you can weed them out any better than how you are. Delaying actual sex until you are sure that you both "feel it" is working for you.

 

The trick may be to invest less emotion in the very early stage of dating. You need to get to know them much better before you start thinking relationship potential.

 

Yeah, you didn't actually do anything wrong and as far as for him, there could be a million reasons why he flaked you. You should just take it as experience and learn from it next time:

1. People flake - a lot more than you think.

2. Don't get so invested so quickly, try and distract yourself to avoid it happening.

3. Listen to your gut feelings.

[xxoo]

Also, I have to ask: Why would be have invited me to meet his friends and their gfs (they all seemed to like me/ we got along), if he was not interested? What was he thinking in doing this (it must have been a calculated decision)?

 

You are reading way too much into meeting his friends on the 2nd date. I'm sure his friends knew that this was just a date, not "introducing his new love interest".

[paloma22]

"(they all seemed to like me/ we got along)" I bet they did not like your small boobs and told him to not go there...

 

hahaha ya, probably not.

[stillafool]

Also, I have to ask: Why would be have invited me to meet his friends and their gfs (they all seemed to like me/ we got along), if he was not interested? What was he thinking in doing this (it must have been a calculated decision)?

 

Lots of guys invite a date to go out with friends and their gfs because they need a date if people are coupled off. It doesn't mean they are interested in making you a gf. We have a single man in our group who brings a different woman every time we have get togethers.

 

I don't understand how you were in your undies and he never even took off his pants. Did he take your clothes off or did you take them off?

[Jane2011]

About him having you meet his friends. I read something about that not long ago that made a lot of sense. And it's basically a generalization that doesn't always hold true (some guys who have you meet their friends quickly are serious about you, some are not; and vice versa).

 

But it still makes a lot of sense, and I heed this now that I've read about it.

 

Women often get the wrong impression about a guy introducing them to friends quickly. The think "he's proud to be with me; he takes me seriously because he's revealing me to people who matter to him." Just the opposite is more likely true (according to this thing I read that made a lot of sense). A guy who is serious about you and wants to get to know you as a person more likely wants to go on one-on-one dates in the beginning because he wants to talk to you and know what you're like. Not that that doesn't happen at all in 'social' situations, but it happens significantly more in one-on-one situations. Often, a guy who wants, early on, to bring you to a party or out for drinks with friends, wants to have 'a public girlfriend' quickly. But that means just a showpiece, in a way. Like, maybe he's missed having a public girlfriend for a while and wants to fulfill that a bit. It's not about his feelings for you, necessarily. It does mean you're presentable enough that you can serve that 'quick public girlfriend' role for him, and that is a little flattering. But again, it's not about his 'feelings' for you.

 

In other words, take it as more meaningful if a guy wants to be alone with you (not necessarily in his home) on a few dates.

Edited March 19, 2012 by Jane2011

[paloma22]

Lots of guys invite a date to go out with friends and their gfs because they need a date if people are coupled off. It doesn't mean they are interested in making you a gf. We have a single man in our group who brings a different woman every time we have get togethers.

 

I don't understand how you were in your undies and he never even took off his pants. Did he take your clothes off or did you take them off?

 

Well, i guess it was mutual. i took off my pants cause they were annoying me, and he was touching me below the belt anyways so i figured why not. he took my shirt off, and i took his off too after awhile.

[paloma22]

In regards to your last post, the reasons do not matter.

 

It is normal for a guy to bring a girl out to meet his friends? Some guys care, some guys could care less. Usually It's a good sign but it doesn't mean he is guaranteed into you. Sometimes guys are themselves and just do things the way they want to, they don't care how you interpret it or not.

 

Bottom line: If he was interested then he would have continued to pursue you, that's all that matters. The reasons won't be good enough, it's a never ending circle. Stop feeling bad about yourself, he's not laughing at you...If anything he's the one who lacks judging from how he handled everything with you from what you've said so far, he sounds like an idiot/douche and a guy w issues imo but that's irrelevant.

 

You're just being way too insecure, I know it hurts and It feels really bad but trust me you're taking things way too far, let it settle for a week or so. Seems he had you going, but do you really even want to be w a guy like that? think about it...he did you a favor.

 

Stop holding onto those initial experiences/connections, that kind of thing isn't as real as you think it is and you'll see that once this passes over.

 

From this experience, I get the impression that it is bad to be upfront as a girl, especially when he seems not so into me. Its better to maintain a skeptical attitude always. I guess my thinking was 'hey were both very busy people, I'm just going to be honest'. so thats why i said i wanted to see him, told him the days i was free, and asked him if it was even feasible to keep seeing one another. i guess deep down he knew there would be no other date, but didn't want to be direct. i was direct, possibly too direct and 'too available', given the writing was on the wall. i figured 'what the hell'. i guess its better to know and lay it on the table then to always wonder, especially cause he was leading me on by returning calls. but in future, i think being direct about availability is a turn off for guys?

[silvermercy]

Well, i guess it was mutual. i took off my pants cause they were annoying me, and he was touching me below the belt anyways so i figured why not. he took my shirt off, and i took his off too after awhile.

Why didn't you insist on going the whole way since you were up for it? If he was aroused I'm really confused as to why he wouldn't proceed. Obviously he was not gay. Didn't you have condoms and he was worried about STDs? I find his behavior strange.

 

But to sum up my thoughts: no, nothing to do with your body and, yes, everything to do with not getting to know him better first (and getting attached too soon. This may have scared him off).

[xxoo]

Why didn't you insist on going the whole way since you were up for it? If he was aroused I'm really confused as to why he wouldn't proceed. Obviously he was not gay. Didn't you have condoms and he was worried about STDs? I find his behavior strange.

 

Not so obvious. Some people marry and have kids before understanding/accepting that they are gay. It doesn't make it impossible for him to get an erection, but could explain his apparent lack of drive to go further.

[silvermercy]

Not so obvious. Some people marry and have kids before understanding/accepting that they are gay. It doesn't make it impossible for him to get an erection, but could explain his apparent lack of drive to go further.

Yeah... true I suppose. I just found his whole attitude with only fooling around a bit strange.

[paloma22]

Why didn't you insist on going the whole way since you were up for it? If he was aroused I'm really confused as to why he wouldn't proceed. Obviously he was not gay. Didn't you have condoms and he was worried about STDs? I find his behavior strange.

 

But to sum up my thoughts: no, nothing to do with your body and, yes, everything to do with not getting to know him better first (and getting attached too soon. This may have scared him off).

 

I was not up for going the whole way, I think he knew i wouldn't have slept with him. I think he was more surprised it elevated to what it did.

I didn't have condoms no, and ya maybe he was worried about that given the nature of his job, but i don't think i come across as the STD type haha? I don't know. I was wearing sexy lingerie (better to be prepared!) whereas i dress very conservatively/ not sexy just kind of my own style most of the time.

 

Maybe he was surprised to see I was so 'sexual' in my lingerie, and he wasn't expecting that/ wanted a more submissive girl that wasn't all sexed up beneath it all. No, he's not gay. If anything, he was seeking the perfect woman. But ya, his behaviour was strange which made me question his attraction to me, or maybe he was just being a gentleman in not wanting to push. Or maybe my black lace thong freaked him out a bit (its a tad see through

 

i don't think this all points to 'turn off', but maybe it does.

Edited March 19, 2012 by paloma22

[veggirl]

People over the age of like, 20 still take off their clothes and mess around without having sex? If a guy got me naked and then wouldn't sleep with me, I'd be super turned off--also, confused.

 

Anyway, maybe he thinks you started giving it up too soon (loser), maybe he is pissed you didn't go all the way and thinks you're a tease (understandable), but most likely you have gotten too attached, too clingy and he has picked up on the subtle (?) change in your demeanor towards him. Too much too soon, too many feelings too soon...you need to go on actual dates with guys. If a restaurant is closed, go for coffee. Go for a walk. Don't go to their houses for dinner / movies until you are ready for sex or have been seeing them regularly for longer than 3 dates!! It's too initimate, it's too "cozy" and relationship-y. Going to his house is likely what put your "wall" coming down in to fast-forward. It gave you a false sense of security and connection and feeling at home with him, essentially a man who is still a stranger.

[Star Gazer]

YOU took YOUR clothes off for "a little fun" and you didn't think he was interested in having sex.

 

Maybe he thinks you're too sexually aggressive/forward.

[LovJoy]

Hmm....OP sound slike she may be a cold sore covered slut...but I can be wrong...

[xxoo]

Or maybe my black lace thong freaked him out a bit (its a tad see through

 

I have yet to see a straight man be freaked out by an attractive woman in a black lace thong...

 

He might be one of those guys who likes to chase, and you lost appeal for him by being sexually confident.

 

That is no reason to be any less sexually confident! Many men LOVE it.

 

eta...not to harp on the gay thing, but I had a good friend who many of us women thought was gay. He was so into the chase, but rarely into the women he caught. It's like he was hoping to find one that he actually did it for him.

Edited March 19, 2012 by xxoo

[curlygirl40]

My thoughts are all over the place here but here goes.

 

It's not your body. He had a good idea of what your body 'type' was before you had your clothes off. If he was going to be turned off by your body, it would have happened before you had your clothes off and would have come across as 'disinterest' probably long before you got to that point. Maybe even before the second date.

 

A friend of mine summed it up nicely one day when we were having a conversation about nipple sizes (yes I know, I need a life). She said 'I have never had a guy tell me I had amazing nipples, but I've also never had a guy say to me 'get those things outta my face!' either'. My opinion is, once you're naked he's not hyperanalyzing what your body looks like and picking it apart like you're trying to do here. He's just not. Let it go with the body thing!!!

 

Believe me, if he thought 4th date= sex and he was only looking for sex, he would have asked you out again regardless of what your body looks like naked if he considered you a 'sure thing' and he was only looking for sex.

 

Sexy underwear. Some women wear sexy underware just for fun. Heck I do it sometimes when my only task for the day is grocery shopping. Makes me feel sexy. Puts a pep in my step. He doesn't know if you wear lacy thongs every day or not so he's not going to judge that once you had your clothes off and saw them that you were 'prepared' to go further with him, therefore considering you easy. Not in my opinion.

 

The friends thing. I agree that if you've been dating a guy for a while and he will not/does not introduce you to his friends it's a bad sign. BUT I don't consider it a good sign that he does it early on. Some people (men and women) have that hang up with the friends thing, and reserve introducing their friends for only a serious/meaningful relationship. Some people consider people they are newly dating 'friends' of theirs so therefore why wouldn't they invite them out with other 'friends' of theirs? You're reading too much into this.

 

You're grasping at straws here trying to find a reason and there may be no reason that will ever make sense to you. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he's gay. Maybe you're too forward for him. Maybe aliens took over his brain one night. Maybe something stressful happened in his life and he thought to himself 'I have no time to date, who am I kidding, I should let this nice girl go before we get too involved, I just don't have time in my life right now'.

 

The only thing you can do is learn from it and move on. He's not into you right now, he lost interest. You might not know the reason, ever. So don't drive yourself crazy.

 

The lesson? Imagine you went on the same 3rd date with this guy out in a public place and all clothing stayed on and you parted ways and then he was acting the same way.

 

In that scenario at least you wouldn't be wondering 'Does he think I'm too easy? Does he not like my naked body? Are my boobs too small?' on and on and on.

 

You would still have some questions about why is he acting this way, but at least your dignity and self esteem (all of the body questions you're asking yourself and all of this wondering if it was your behavior) would be off the table. Ahhhhh! Doesn't that feel better?

 

It might not be anything you did at all. But when you KNOW that it was nothing you did, then it removes all this self doubt that you're having.

 

Lesson learned.

[Chubbi]

He has a lot on the line with you. He knows you through family friends, so if s*** hits the fan, it would get on everyone that knows him.

 

I mean, maybe he thought you were too good of a girl for a quickie and felt guilty about it, maybe what he wanted to do to you could cause him a lot of grief with fam it drama started, maybe he had bad experiences with his performance w/ his ex and was worried, maybe he likes to be a pleasurer, watch from afar and then jerk off later

 

Quit making it all about you! Oh, it's me me me and my fault and me me me.

[Jane2011]

Tell him to get on this forum so we can talk to him about what went down between you two!

 

(lol -- that would be fun if that could happen...)

 

Here's an email a male friend of mine wrote to me when I was obsessing over my similar situation:

 

"youre obsessing too much about this! theres no way it wouldve worked out, so theres no point in acting like this or that would have changed it. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID IT WOULDNT HAVE WORKED OUT - thats the point, in a nutshell."

 

Seriously, try to forget the guy. It's not important. Getting rejected, especially if hasn't been "every single guy in your life," shouldn't mean too much.

 

You win some, you lose some.

[kaylan]

Look, I dont know why everyone else automatically assumes the only reason for this guy behavior was that he was just after sex. It could have been that, or it could have been a number of things.

 

Im going to put myself in his shoes. If I was him and I bailed after hooking up (sans sex), here are my possible reasons:

 

a) Honey, I met you through my family, and your a very sweet girl...but I just dont feel that spark that lets me know Id want to make you my girlfriend. Sure I like sex, I am a man, but I was not going to push it that night. I was going to enjoy things for what they were. After our date I thought about the whole situation and felt it was better to nip the situation in the butt instead of potentially leading you on.

 

I was affectionate and caring because a sweet girl like you brings that out of me...plus Im just a loving guy...however I just dont feel "it" with you, despite our sexual chemistry. Theres more to it than just sexual chemistry...people tend to know how they will feel about a person after a few dates and then its hard to change that.

 

Also, given that my family knows you, I dont want to risk the drama of us not working out later...so I axed everything now since I wasnt sure we have long term potential.

 

b) I did just want to have some fun and you seem like a cool girl...but you didnt seem absolutely up to it so I bailed. Its not in me to do all that with a chick who is obviously more into me than I am into her.

 

Its not your body...you saw how we connected...if it was your body, I wouldnt have reacted to you the way I did when we were alone. A guy knows how he feels about a girls body before getting her out of her clothes. If he doesnt like her body, the clothes wont come off.

 

If I thought you were easy, I wouldnt have tried to hook up with you, because easy girls are turn off and risky to my health. I wouldnt say you seemed needy in the early going either...however this thread and the way you are handling the situation is needy and alarming.

 

Miss, you hardly know me...and though we had a good time after a few dates, you have to roll with the punches. We did not even have sex...so I shouldnt have such an affect on you that your walls now go back up. Go out and date and trust me youll find the right guy for you.

 

Isnt it better that I backed off now and didnt lead you on? Imagine how much worse you would have felt if I dragged it out. You ladies need to learn how to take rejection...its a part of life...and after only 3 dates, its not the biggest deal in world, especially since we didnt even have sex. Some guys will like you, some wont. But dont let one rejection turn you off to the idea of putting yourself out there.

 

 

 

I am 24 years old, and have not 'dated' many guys. I have been badly hurt twice in the past, and I have been in 2 long relationships, most recently for 3.5 years. After breaking up with my ex, I was happy being single, and dated a few guys, but nothing that peaked my interest. I was happy being independent again, working on myself/career, etc. I am always afraid of getting hurt.

 

Enter, 'tim' this January. He got my number through family friends, called me and I said what the hell, and met him for a drink. I was always skeptical, but we hit it off right away. He seemed so interested, complimenting me tons, treated me properly, etc.

 

He's a resident and very busy, and so I was impressed he called me a few days after date 1 to set up date 2. We ended up having dinner at his place (after not getting in anywhere else with no reso) then went for drinks with his friends/ their gfs. We kissed goodnight and it was a great date, but I remained skeptical.

 

Long story short Date 3 he made me dinner, and I let my walls down. We hooked up (something I would never typically do so early on, but I was taking a leap of faith). We did not have sex, just fooled around, and it seemed very intimate/ affectionate. He seemed to like me, and I liked him. I felt so great afterwards.

 

Anyways, he never called me after that date. I called him 6 days later and he was aloof, etc. and said he was busy with family. Then he called and left a message a few days later (seemed like it was a task, he was 'checking in'). And I let him wait a week cause I was busy and contemplating not calling at all, to call him. I left a message and he called the next day. We chatted a half hour, and I figured 'what the hell' and said I wanted to see him, and said the days the following week I was available to meet. I tried not to sound needy, but I’m a direct, no BS person, and I'm really not good/experienced with dating guys and 'playing the game'.

 

Anyways, he said ya he may be free Friday etc. etc.. BUT I never heard from him (as I half expected).

 

It’s over, and although it was 3 dates, I’m crushed/ feel totally rejected.

 

So I think this guy either did not like my body (without clothes!), thought I was too easy, or too needy... Or he just wanted the chase and when it was over, it was time to move on. Who knows. It's just so weird because he DID like me, was chasing me, and then just, stopped. Like that, after we hooked up. If anything, I thought he may have wanted to pursue me further for sex. Boy was I wrong.

 

Now, my walls are now so far back up they are hitting the ceiling. what I need your help with is in bouncing back, feeling better about myself, feeling good about being single when all of my friends are in relationships, and not blaming myself or my self esteem for this guy rejecting me. I have been feeling very down, because I put myself out there for a guy I genuinely thought was into me, and then I got burned. And I'm still a little bruised.

 

I would also appreciate some advice for future dating endeavors, because these are learning experiences. I just feel slightly manipulated and very silly, like I didn't play my cards properly/ was too gullible. Its all so weird. Men are odd (not to say I would not love to hear from the male side of this!).

 

Any advice, words of wisdom, or thoughts would be very much appreciated ☺

[Leigh 87]

Yes, Kaylan's post was spot on I think.

 

There are soooo many reasons as to WHY he bailed. You will never know, but it IS helpful for you to look at peoples suggectionsm, as to why he vanished.

 

It is always good to hear other peoples interpretation on why he did what he did - it is way better to brainstorm ideas, than just guess yourself, you are likely to get a true answer when more people, with differing perpectives and life experiences, all chip in:)

 

 

If I were you... I would take what every one has said into account, and the ONE thing you know 100% for certain IS: in the future, learn to not care about rejection so much.

 

 

EVery one gets rejected, u need to think " wow, I am a great person, some one will find me to be amazing, I will just keep on waiting, who cares if some guy I hardly know did not think I was great enough to try a relationship with"

 

 

MOreover, do not take your clothes off until you know a guy is into you, you sound like you cannot handle rejection well if you expose yourself before getting to know the guy.

[dispatch3d]

From what you are describing, the problem is with him not you. He's the one that got scared and backed off, not vice versa.