He lost interest, and I'm hurting.

[paloma22]

I am 24 years old, and have not 'dated' many guys. I have been badly hurt twice in the past, and I have been in 2 long relationships, most recently for 3.5 years. After breaking up with my ex, I was happy being single, and dated a few guys, but nothing that peaked my interest. I was happy being independent again, working on myself/career, etc. I am always afraid of getting hurt.

 

Enter, 'tim' this January. He got my number through family friends, called me and I said what the hell, and met him for a drink. I was always skeptical, but we hit it off right away. He seemed so interested, complimenting me tons, treated me properly, etc.

 

He's a resident and very busy, and so I was impressed he called me a few days after date 1 to set up date 2. We ended up having dinner at his place (after not getting in anywhere else with no reso) then went for drinks with his friends/ their gfs. We kissed goodnight and it was a great date, but I remained skeptical.

 

Long story short Date 3 he made me dinner, and I let my walls down. We hooked up (something I would never typically do so early on, but I was taking a leap of faith). We did not have sex, just fooled around, and it seemed very intimate/ affectionate. He seemed to like me, and I liked him. I felt so great afterwards.

 

Anyways, he never called me after that date. I called him 6 days later and he was aloof, etc. and said he was busy with family. Then he called and left a message a few days later (seemed like it was a task, he was 'checking in'). And I let him wait a week cause I was busy and contemplating not calling at all, to call him. I left a message and he called the next day. We chatted a half hour, and I figured 'what the hell' and said I wanted to see him, and said the days the following week I was available to meet. I tried not to sound needy, but I’m a direct, no BS person, and I'm really not good/experienced with dating guys and 'playing the game'.

 

Anyways, he said ya he may be free Friday etc. etc.. BUT I never heard from him (as I half expected).

 

It’s over, and although it was 3 dates, I’m crushed/ feel totally rejected.

 

So I think this guy either did not like my body (without clothes!), thought I was too easy, or too needy... Or he just wanted the chase and when it was over, it was time to move on. Who knows. It's just so weird because he DID like me, was chasing me, and then just, stopped. Like that, after we hooked up. If anything, I thought he may have wanted to pursue me further for sex. Boy was I wrong.

 

Now, my walls are now so far back up they are hitting the ceiling. what I need your help with is in bouncing back, feeling better about myself, feeling good about being single when all of my friends are in relationships, and not blaming myself or my self esteem for this guy rejecting me. I have been feeling very down, because I put myself out there for a guy I genuinely thought was into me, and then I got burned. And I'm still a little bruised.

 

I would also appreciate some advice for future dating endeavors, because these are learning experiences. I just feel slightly manipulated and very silly, like I didn't play my cards properly/ was too gullible. Its all so weird. Men are odd (not to say I would not love to hear from the male side of this!).

 

Any advice, words of wisdom, or thoughts would be very much appreciated ☺

Edited March 19, 2012 by paloma22

[SJC2008]

You said yall didn't do it but then mentioned your clothes were off?? So are we talking oral?? did he try to have sex? Not trying to pry but need to get a vibe of his intentions. I'd stray away from going to a mans house for at least the 1st 4 dates or a month if you are looking for an actual boyfriend/potential r, if not then as you were. Sounds like he wanted sex to me and knows you're not easy so backed off. Now as far as him not calling you after the makeout session, have you initiated contact prior to this? If so I'd say he was way wrong being that yall were intimate. If you have never initiated contact before that he may have a rule like I just made where I'll initiate contact for the 1st 3 dates and it's on her after. Sorry you feel this way it happened to me, 3 dates and she's making bs excuses instead of telling me flat out, I'm leaving it alone, I got the hint. I hope you feel better.

[paloma22]

thanks for your response.

 

so for some details (hopefully not too much), i took off my clothes and i was making out with him in bra/unds, so not naked, but he obviously got a good idea of things. another thing, you can say i got action but he did not, as his pants did not come off, but i did not get the impression thats what he wanted. he generally seemed surprised maybe i was so open to things and did make a comment about 'having a boner for a week'..

but no oral or anything like that. i guess i thought it was some harmless fun, but perhaps it was too much too soon. or i did not satisfy him or meet his physical prereqs. again, going in circles of 'why'

 

as for the contact, he always called me first, then i would return his calls prior to this date 3. but i never initiated contact first until after when he didn't call after this date.

Edited March 19, 2012 by paloma22

[SJC2008]

Well the fact that you were in your "undies" and he didn't press for sex sounds promising but that fact that he did not call the next day after going that far contradicts so this makes it a harder read than I thought. Stop being insecure about your body hell he told you he had a boner. My guess is that he felt it was your turn to initiate, is playing a game and is trying to "hook" you after getting frisky which is wrong, or is just being very casual and is not looking for anything too serious. Were any intentions discussed on any of these 3 dates? You said hes a family friend, what's his "track record". How old is he?

[paloma22]

Well the fact that you were in your "undies" and he didn't press for sex sounds promising but that fact that he did not call the next day after going that far contradicts so this makes it a harder read than I thought. Stop being insecure about your body hell he told you he had a boner. My guess is that he felt it was your turn to initiate, is playing a game and is trying to "hook" you after getting frisky which is wrong, or is just being very casual and is not looking for anything too serious. Were any intentions discussed on any of these 3 dates? You said hes a family friend, what's his "track record". How old is he?

 

hes 26, 2 years older than me. i don't know his track record, neither does anyone i know. it was a very weird connection and no intentions were discussed. all i know is he also got out of a 3 year relationship in august. on our last phone conversation he kept talking about how busy his residency was, how he never had time for himself or time off. but this was never an issue before, and he always made time to call me when he was 'pursuing' me. he definitely lost interest (given he never did call to set up another date), but my question still remains as to why because it was a complete 180 overnight.

 

i should also mention in the last convo i asked if 'this was feasible, with our curent schedules'. he sort of semi answered with a very casual, ya i guess, we just won't see each other often, bs thing. it was almost laughable now that i think about it.

 

if he was trying to 'hook me' (i don't know if this was it), he succeeded, but i still keep thinking it was something i did that night, or didn't do. mind games are so cruel and unfair.

Edited March 19, 2012 by paloma22

[SJC2008]

Well I'm sorry for what you are going through. Rejection makes you overanalyze yourself. I know my gears are turing, you don't get to a 3rd date for nothing ya know? So now I'm in "was it this?" "was it that?" mode as you are so I can relate.

[Leigh 87]

He wanted to pursue you at first, and then he must have found out he did not have the best sexual chemistry with you.

 

 

A guy can be turned on, without feeling great sexual chemistry. The truth is, a guy can be really into a girl, without having to love her body... Of course, there needs to be a slight attraction, but even on a small scale, attraction can be surpased by the feelings and connection a guy has.

 

Obviously, he is not interested.... why? I would guess:

 

- lack of sexual chemistry, on his half, although he did enjoy his dates with you

 

- he did not know if he enjoyed his time with u enough to continue, and the hooking up was the deal breaker; not enough chemistry and not enough connection on non sexual level.

 

-he is shallow, and decided that, although he had a connection, a great time, and enough sexual chemistry with you, that your body was not the type he needs, and he never compromises with that.

 

NOTE: MOST MEN ARE NOT THAT SHALLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they are, punch them:) or, better still, don't waste your time or energy on them.

-

 

 

MOST guys, if they think a girl is amazing enough, will look past her body, as long as he is not repulsed by it, and is somewhat attracted. Even on a low level, if a guy is a tiny bit attracted, it can grow from there. If he is really into u, your body, even if it is NOT his desired type, will not turn him off.

 

 

Only a shallow and unworthy man, would ditch you based on your body.... If he was THAT into you, he would over look a less than perfect body.

 

At least he did not want to lead you on further, when he was not into u.

 

 

Of course, it is great to wait for sex, it is always BETTEr to wait until you establish a great connection. Although great relationships can even happen from hook ups.

 

 

BY all means, if you are feeling it with a guy, and feel like hooking up, GO for it! ONLY ISSUE: many girls get feelings when a guy touches them in a sexual way.... So, if you are the type to get attached after fooling around, DONT DO IT until you are sure he is into you.

 

Having fun and fooling around is great at times, in the right moment, with a suitable guy who u really want to do it with; ya now, occasionally, not every guy you date of course..

 

..just asses if your a women who can hook up once in a while, and not feel rejected if it does not go anywhere.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well the fact that he invited you over his house was to get laid. So why did you go into this guys house without expecting that?

 

Secondly, he's probably think you're a tease because you went over...went through the motions of almost getting naked yet it didn't go any further than that.

 

And then, since he didn't seem to coax you into sleeping with him....not because he didn't want to but because he didn't know how to, now he feels a little bit butt hurt because he couldn't "close the deal". Guys in their early to mid 20's have pretty fragile egos, so they take it also as disinterest at least in the sexual aspect by not sleeping with him. Which honestly IF he knew what he was doing he probably could have had sex.

 

Anyway, bottom line is he didn't appear to have that much interest in you otherwise and it seems to be more of an ego/pride thing for him. If he was still interested he would have seen you again after you had called him.

 

So I'm not sure what part you don't understand of he wanted to get laid...do you think that guys are incapable of putting on their best face when meeting a girl? Do you think that just because you have a "connection" with a guy he feels the exact same way and is genuinely interested in you for a relationship? That just leads him to believe even more he might get laid out of the process.

 

You've got to take it a step at a time and don't get swept up in the bull**** and compliments...words take little effort and with the internet little skill as well.

 

So you're telling me you know someone well enough in 3 days to know their intentions, what they're about, and who they are as person? Anybody can be anything in a matter of 3 days.

 

The only thing that is odd is that he got your number through family friends, which I would think a guy would tread a little more carefully or at least with a modest level of respect If he contacted you through those means. But then again that might be why he invited you to his house on day 2 instead of day 1 and why he let it go when he figured you to be a tease without pushing it or kicking you out.

 

Three days for that might wall to come down and to erase that skepticism you initially had? some wall. And now you're going to fling the wall back up because a guy invited you to his house to get laid and you didn't put out? don't really get it, should have been obvious.

 

I would recommend in the future taking more time to get to know a guy before you start lowering the wall, you don't know anybody by a few dates or even a few weeks. Give yourself a chance to actually trust somebody, any guy can be mr good guy in the beginning. Then you won't feel so betrayed If they show their true colors/intentions.

 

Sorry this happened and wish I could give you a better more detailed answer of why he blew you off and the third date...but honestly, it doesn't matter, you move on...this happens to everyone, women do it too. People either want to pretend to be someone they're not, have their own agenda, or get caught up in the moment then snap out of it later on after they've thought it through.

[Leigh 87]

NINJA - not all guys are like that. Just a great deal of them I suspect. Although your post is fantastic, as usual:)

 

 

I met my boyfriend online. He invited me around to his place. We fooled around, although nothing underneeth the clothes the first 2 dates, the same as the OP...

 

He still wanted to hang out and spend time getting to know me, he thought we had something special and over a year later we are together.

He admitted later on that I teased him... but not all guys are just out for sex, just because they invite a girl over.

 

 

 

lol, that said, DO NOT be naive, MOST guys will prob have sex on the agenda; for this reason, be direct!!!!1 Say " look, if this is just about a casual sex thing, I am not like that, and would rather be friends if this is what your looking for"

 

Being direct is the only way to set things straight and know what the deal is... and even then guys can lie haha.

 

 

I really hope that guys would be honest, if a girl was straight forward and to the point. I ALWAYS have been. If I want sex, I say " hey, lets hook up, I have not had sex in a long time and since we have chemistry and find each other attractive, why not?"

 

If I get feelings, I will say " hey, I think I like you, and I would rather not do anything if that is all you are after"

[paloma22]

He wanted to pursue you at first, and then he must have found out he did not have the best sexual chemistry with you.

 

 

A guy can be turned on, without feeling great sexual chemistry. The truth is, a guy can be really into a girl, without having to love her body... Of course, there needs to be a slight attraction, but even on a small scale, attraction can be surpased by the feelings and connection a guy has.

 

Obviously, he is not interested.... why? I would guess:

 

- lack of sexual chemistry, on his half, although he did enjoy his dates with you

 

- he did not know if he enjoyed his time with u enough to continue, and the hooking up was the deal breaker; not enough chemistry and not enough connection on non sexual level.

 

-he is shallow, and decided that, although he had a connection, a great time, and enough sexual chemistry with you, that your body was not the type he needs, and he never compromises with that.

 

NOTE: MOST MEN ARE NOT THAT SHALLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they are, punch them:) or, better still, don't waste your time or energy on them.

-

 

 

MOST guys, if they think a girl is amazing enough, will look past her body, as long as he is not repulsed by it, and is somewhat attracted. Even on a low level, if a guy is a tiny bit attracted, it can grow from there. If he is really into u, your body, even if it is NOT his desired type, will not turn him off.

 

 

Only a shallow and unworthy man, would ditch you based on your body.... If he was THAT into you, he would over look a less than perfect body.

 

At least he did not want to lead you on further, when he was not into u.

 

 

Of course, it is great to wait for sex, it is always BETTEr to wait until you establish a great connection. Although great relationships can even happen from hook ups.

 

 

BY all means, if you are feeling it with a guy, and feel like hooking up, GO for it! ONLY ISSUE: many girls get feelings when a guy touches them in a sexual way.... So, if you are the type to get attached after fooling around, DONT DO IT until you are sure he is into you.

 

Having fun and fooling around is great at times, in the right moment, with a suitable guy who u really want to do it with; ya now, occasionally, not every guy you date of course..

 

..just asses if your a women who can hook up once in a while, and not feel rejected if it does not go anywhere.

 

Leigh its interesting you say that. From my perspective, we had SO much sexual chemistry. But ya, maybe once I took off the clothes, he didn't like something (I have small boobs), who knows. But I would say I'm pretty confident with my body (until now). But the thing is, he never did any of the things guys do when they want to have sex. He wasn't trying to take off his pants or anything like that, it was more just touching me and my body, which I enjoyed. So ya, maybe its my body type, maybe its the sexual chemistry, or maybe i put out too soon? He may have found me easy/slutty?

[paloma22]

Well the fact that he invited you over his house was to get laid. So why did you go into this guys house without expecting that?

 

Secondly, he's probably think you're a tease because you went over...went through the motions of almost getting naked yet it didn't go any further than that.

 

And then, since he didn't seem to coax you into sleeping with him....not because he didn't want to but because he didn't know how to, now he feels a little bit butt hurt because he couldn't "close the deal". Guys in their early to mid 20's have pretty fragile egos, so they take it also as disinterest at least in the sexual aspect by not sleeping with him. Which honestly IF he knew what he was doing he probably could have had sex.

 

Anyway, bottom line is he didn't appear to have that much interest in you otherwise and it seems to be more of an ego/pride thing for him. If he was still interested he would have seen you again after you had called him.

 

So I'm not sure what part you don't understand of he wanted to get laid...do you think that guys are incapable of putting on their best face when meeting a girl? Do you think that just because you have a "connection" with a guy he feels the exact same way and is genuinely interested in you for a relationship? That just leads him to believe even more he might get laid out of the process.

 

You've got to take it a step at a time and don't get swept up in the bull**** and compliments...words take little effort and with the internet little skill as well.

 

So you're telling me you know someone well enough in 3 days to know their intentions, what they're about, and who they are as person? Anybody can be anything in a matter of 3 days.

 

The only thing that is odd is that he got your number through family friends, which I would think a guy would tread a little more carefully or at least with a modest level of respect If he contacted you through those means. But then again that might be why he invited you to his house on day 2 instead of day 1 and why he let it go when he figured you to be a tease without pushing it or kicking you out.

 

Three days for that might wall to come down and to erase that skepticism you initially had? some wall. And now you're going to fling the wall back up because a guy invited you to his house to get laid and you didn't put out? don't really get it, should have been obvious.

 

I would recommend in the future taking more time to get to know a guy before you start lowering the wall, you don't know anybody by a few dates or even a few weeks. Give yourself a chance to actually trust somebody, any guy can be mr good guy in the beginning. Then you won't feel so betrayed If they show their true colors/intentions.

 

Sorry this happened and wish I could give you a better more detailed answer of why he blew you off and the third date...but honestly, it doesn't matter, you move on...this happens to everyone, women do it too. People either want to pretend to be someone they're not, have their own agenda, or get caught up in the moment then snap out of it later on after they've thought it through.

 

Thanks for responding Ninja. Your perspective is an interesting one because I really never got the impression he wanted sex. Even when we were hooking up he never did the things one does when they want sex (and he was in a 3 yr rls so you would think he would know). I can't help but think its something to do with my body type, because i genuinely thought we had good sexual chemistry. What else could it possibly be? Him thinking I'm too easy or slutty. I know this guy has high standards for everything in life, so maybe I just didn't meet those minimum requirements?

 

You are right about the walls though. We only had 3 dates spread out over the course of 3 weeks, with various phone calls in between. It was the third date when I let my walls down a bit, and then, of course, he lost interest.

 

So you think once he realized I was 'easy' (I'm not at all, only slept with 2 guys in my life), combined with not liking my body enough, he would just figure well two reasons to lost interest?

 

i realize everyone says to not worry about it being a physical thing, but given he had been pursuing me up to this date, I can't help but think thats all it was...and it hurts because i don't know what else i could be doing

[Ninjainpajamas]

Leigh its interesting you say that. From my perspective, we had SO much sexual chemistry. But ya, maybe once I took off the clothes, he didn't like something (I have small boobs), who knows. But I would say I'm pretty confident with my body (until now). But the thing is, he never did any of the things guys do when they want to have sex. He wasn't trying to take off his pants or anything like that, it was more just touching me and my body, which I enjoyed. So ya, maybe its my body type, maybe its the sexual chemistry, or maybe i put out too soon? He may have found me easy/slutty?

 

I can guarantee you Paloma with 99.99 confidence that it had nothing to do with your body...men do not get "turned off" just because you have small boobs, or whatever you feel your body lacks...that stems from your own lack of self-confidence, because it had nothing to do with what you looked like naked or in your undies, whatever it is...I've never heard of this happening not from one guy or one time in my lifetime, ever. The only time I've heard was guy fail at getting a girl into bed and then they make excuses and say she had something "gross" going on, but even the guys could tell he was talking about of his ass...I mean it would have to be pretty drastic or downright repulsive for a guy to reject a woman for something physical, you far over-estimate the standards of men when it comes to sexual "relations"...they may not prefer overweight or unattractive women but you put her naked in a room with him and I'm sorry to tell you the majority of men are going to take the bait...I've never seen it go any differently, you don't understand how men view sex in that regard, If you knew you would be extremely disheartened but they do not go there in the first place If they are not interested.

 

All of your other guesses are invalid from a mans perspectives, I'm not sure why in the world you would think it had anything to do with that, If he found you too easy he would have slept with you then never called you again because you're not his type of girl for a relationship, that's what men do, they don't NOT have sex with because you are half-dressed in their room because you're "easy"....that's absurd, I'm not sure where you get your ideas of men from.

[zanesfan]

Im sorry you had to go through this. Some men can be so hot and cold. Dont overwhelm yourself trying to figure out what is going on in his head.

 

I know rejection hurts. I know you all made a great connection. But maybe its easier to hurt now then continue to see him and possible have sex with him only to find out he only wanted your body and possibly ignore you then.

 

I believe in do what feels right.. so if you felt like you did what you did because its something you wanted to do- no harm nor foul. Hold your head up high and break down those walls. Not all guys are like this.

[Leigh 87]

Yes. fooling around in your underwear does not make you " easy" by any stretch.... to the majority of people!!

 

 

He obviously was just looking for one thing from the outset, if u had great chemistry; although sometimes women mistake great chemistry, and it is one sides, with the man not feeling it.

 

 

Ninja is right, I think he thought u were a nice cute girl for him, did not want anything serious, and figured out u would not give him what he wanted.

 

 

Look, there are cases where men are such jerks they really so reject women based on their small boobs or whatever, but MOST, the vast majority of men, will not reject u based on your body:

 

- they are already attracted enough to take your clothes off. Unless u have a third nipple they already are attracted enough to get hard and have sex with you, should u let them:)

 

 

If u seriously hit it off well, guys obviously prefer if there is a connection before having sex with a girl - sure, they will take what they can to get sex, but a genuine connection with a girl provides a much more enjoyable affair, than with some B8Tch they cannot stand, come on.

 

Don't doubt yourself, the fact is ANYTHING could have gone through his head!!! The most likely one, comming from Ninja, a GUYS perspective, is that he wanted quick sex, and saw you as a girl who was not easy ENOUGH - the opposite of what YOU were worried about hehe:)

 

 

Do not feel inadequate or embarrassed about getting along well with him and possibly being open to more - people want what they want, and it is rare to fall in love at first sight, and change a guys mind about just wanting sex.

[paloma22]

Im sorry you had to go through this. Some men can be so hot and cold. Dont overwhelm yourself trying to figure out what is going on in his head.

 

I know rejection hurts. I know you all made a great connection. But maybe its easier to hurt now then continue to see him and possible have sex with him only to find out he only wanted your body and possibly ignore you then.

 

I believe in do what feels right.. so if you felt like you did what you did because its something you wanted to do- no harm nor foul. Hold your head up high and break down those walls. Not all guys are like this.

 

You are right zanes. But its almost slightly worse this way because I WAS gullible and ate up his words, therefore had he continued, I may very well have slept with him eventually. But it would have taken a lot more work on his part. So I guess its just making me feel more crappy because he saw my body, then kind of was like "its not worth it", and moved on. Makes you question yourself.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thanks for responding Ninja. Your perspective is an interesting one because I really never got the impression he wanted sex. Even when we were hooking up he never did the things one does when they want sex (and he was in a 3 yr rls so you would think he would know). I can't help but think its something to do with my body type, because i genuinely thought we had good sexual chemistry. What else could it possibly be? Him thinking I'm too easy or slutty. I know this guy has high standards for everything in life, so maybe I just didn't meet those minimum requirements?

 

You are right about the walls though. We only had 3 dates spread out over the course of 3 weeks, with various phone calls in between. It was the third date when I let my walls down a bit, and then, of course, he lost interest.

 

So you think once he realized I was 'easy' (I'm not at all, only slept with 2 guys in my life), combined with not liking my body enough, he would just figure well two reasons to lost interest?

 

i realize everyone says to not worry about it being a physical thing, but given he had been pursuing me up to this date, I can't help but think thats all it was...and it hurts because i don't know what else i could be doing

 

Paloma I don't care how a guy "acts" like he doesn't want to have sex, It is never true. I don't care If he acts respectful, or doesn't make a move, or he's been in other relationships or religious...it doesn't matter, he is a man and I know men extremely well. Unless they guy dropped in on a spaceship from another planet the I don't even have the slightest amount of doubt from a mans point of view.

 

Standards are you kidding me? you're going way off the beaten path here and you're fishing for excuses to believe it's your body, I don't understand your insistence on this but I know that you can't even explain it thoroughly to yourself because It makes absolutely no sense how you're coming up with these theories to me...I wish you could be a fly on the wall and you could follow me around and I'll show you how things really are behind the scenes with men and then you would understand.

 

The only reason he why a man would "reject" you at that point is if he had some kind of dysfunction....erectile dysfunction, some kind of std, anxiety in have sex...something that "prevented" him from going to that level.

 

It's also irrelevant whether a guys had a 3 year relationship or not, you have no idea how he ended up with this girl, how long it took him to have sex with her, what the situation was...If she was the aggressor and made all the moves...in addition this is someone he is used to and comfortable with, this is no way prepares you for the game of dating because It's completely different, you have no idea who this person is, what they like, etc..

 

Personally I've rejected a handful of women from having sex, If I feel the girl is too easy I won't wait until she's half-naked though, I'll just never take her home or leave before it gets to that point...because I am a man and know what will happen once the blood starts flowing and things started getting too sexual. I have a higher sex drive than most guys yet very capable of controlling myself, even in the moment. But I wouldn't have done anything the way this guy has done it, he would either be extremely incompetent, and It doesn't even add up...so a guy invites you to his house and even though he can see your boob size with your clothes on he magically becomes turned off when he sees them without clothes?...what? you really think this happens?

 

If you had a forest of herpes or something off the wall like that then of course a guys going to be like hell no, well some of them anyway.

 

I already gave you the reasons, If you want to run in circles with this theory of yours that's up to you...but I'd advise you to ask men you may know in real life who will be honest with you and tell you the truth, because no guy is going to buy your reasons...it doesn't make any sense to how men think.

[Whisky1981]

Eh...just dont obsess over your body. As long as you are not obese its perfectly fine.

 

I have been with girls who had small and big boobs and that never bothered me. The chemistry comes from what you feel not from what you see.

 

I am a man and I have never judged a girl by her body. I like girls with pretty faces and that is all that matters to me on a physical level.

 

I dont know what this guy deal is but if you really want him try to contact him again and let him explain why it didnt work out. Probably you wont get the truth but at least youll know if there is still a chance. Just be cautious that he is not a player or something.

 

Take it easy.

[Jane2011]

Paloma, try your best not to feel too badly about this situation. The circumstances, I know, could cause you grief for a long time, with a lot of over-analysis and self-doubt, but try not to let it.

 

I had a similar experience last summer with a guy who I got together with quickly also. Only difference was that I knew him for three years prior. We were classmates/pals for that long, and then in May we started seeing each other. Over the course of a month, we saw each other four times, but he lost interest, and we did have sex on the second night we got together. So he didn't blow me off "right away," but it was soon after. And to his credit, he blew me off the way a pal/friend of three years is supposed to -- respectfully -- but he still did blow me off and not want to date.

 

It messed with my mind for four months. I didn't question my body like you are, though. And I agree that you need to not question your body so much. The thing is, you're saying "he didn't like what he saw when he saw me naked." Doubtful. Most people get an idea of what people look like, basically, naked, before they even actually see them naked. You can tell what body type a person has even with their clothes on. He probably thought you looked very good; he had other reasons for not wanting to continue with you. The guy I was with blew me off even though I have a good body (and he said as much). Even I think my body is cute, so I know it wasn't that. Still, the whole thing messed with my head for four months. I kept thinking "he thought I was too easy." And maybe he did. But the thing is, even if he did, it really doesn't matter. There are men who don't think that way.

 

In early November, I got together with a guy who I also fooled around with on the 2nd date. No sex until our fourth date, but we did exactly what you'e saying on our 2nd date. Got naked and made out. The guy was all into me after, despite. He was into me and wanted a relationship even after we had sex. And you know what? The 2nd guy was better than the 1st guy. He's more educated, nicer (well, not really nicer, they're both nice, but nicer in the sense that he wanted me), taller, more cultured, more refined, more intellectual. After getting together with him, I realized how much less attractive the 1st guy was. My type is the 2nd guy, for sure.

 

I'm now on friendly terms with the 1st guy (because we were friends for three years and didn't want to throw it away completely, though it was "weird" between us for about five months after), and now when I talk to him on the phone every month or so, I think...god, the other guy was so much better than you, it's weird I was hung up on you.

 

In other words, I was not wanted by a lower-caliber guy and wanted by a higher-caliber person. That was very helpful to me.

 

Also, if a guy likes you, he's going to stay in touch with you even after you fool around with him or have sex with him.

 

You do still have to be careful not to be swept up in niceness, pre-sex and pre-fooling-around, though. Even the ones who genuinely like you will be a little more coddling, pre-sex. So just remember next time to think like this: (and it's not that cynical or 'expecting' a guy to be an ass, just practical): "Nothing is certain for at least the first two or three months."

[xxoo]

Maybe he's gay?

 

Really, it could be anything. Maybe he has issues that have nothing to do with you, and he would be awkward with any girl. Maybe he just isn't that into you.

 

In the end, his opinion and response is not important enough to affect YOUR sexual confidence. He wasn't the right guy for you, move on.

[Jane2011]

Was going to add this to my post, but couldn't because it was past editing-capability:

 

If he likes you, he'll still want to date you after sex. Consider yourself having dodged a bullet if he lets you go. And don't let it affect your self esteem. Guys want a person who they think they fit with, and if he doesn't think he fits with you, that's okay.

[paloma22]

I can guarantee you Paloma with 99.99 confidence that it had nothing to do with your body...men do not get "turned off" just because you have small boobs, or whatever you feel your body lacks...that stems from your own lack of self-confidence, because it had nothing to do with what you looked like naked or in your undies, whatever it is...I've never heard of this happening not from one guy or one time in my lifetime, ever. The only time I've heard was guy fail at getting a girl into bed and then they make excuses and say she had something "gross" going on, but even the guys could tell he was talking about of his ass...I mean it would have to be pretty drastic or downright repulsive for a guy to reject a woman for something physical, you far over-estimate the standards of men when it comes to sexual "relations"...they may not prefer overweight or unattractive women but you put her naked in a room with him and I'm sorry to tell you the majority of men are going to take the bait...I've never seen it go any differently, you don't understand how men view sex in that regard, If you knew you would be extremely disheartened but they do not go there in the first place If they are not interested.

 

All of your other guesses are invalid from a mans perspectives, I'm not sure why in the world you would think it had anything to do with that, If he found you too easy he would have slept with you then never called you again because you're not his type of girl for a relationship, that's what men do, they don't NOT have sex with because you are half-dressed in their room because you're "easy"....that's absurd, I'm not sure where you get your ideas of men from.

 

I think everyone on this forum thinking he wanted just sex is really throwing me off. Because date 2, he WANTED to take me out for dinner, we just couldn't get in anywhere. Either way, we ended up meeting his friends out for drinks, which is another thing, why would he want his friends to meet me so soon on date 2 if he was not interested??

 

Date 3 dinner at his house red flags do come up, but I just thought it was sweet to make me dinner. So I did the girl thing and ate it up.

 

So you really think he just didn't know what he was doing, or didn't really want to do it? Or thought it would be too much work to get it? I can't help but think because I met his friends (and their gfs) he IS looking for a relationship, and I didn't fit the bill, but maybe I am totally wrong.

 

Its just sad because I should have seen the signs afterwards, and because it was a family friend connection maybe thats why he returned my calls, etc. Otherwise why would he had initially done that? I feel like by the end, he was so proud of himself and probably laughing at the fact that I was STILL interested, despite being clearly denied by him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You know what...why am I even wasting my time...you're working way too hard at trying to feel bad about your body, so I'll just tell you what you want to hear!

 

It's your body Paloma, guys hate small boobs, they turn down women for small boobs alllllll of the time....your warm, wet vagina can't even convince a man to sleep with you, you should feel horrible about yourself and beat yourself up in the mirror every day how you got rejected for not being in better shape.

 

There you happy? since you seem to want to believe in that ridiculousness...If you can't get over the fact that this just wasn't that into you for reasons unrelated to your body then you have bigger fish to fry with yourself. You're leaving yourself open to be extremely exploited by men for something that they could care less about just by using your insecurity as a weakness to control you.

 

The funny thing is I bet you have a great body.

[paloma22]

Paloma I don't care how a guy "acts" like he doesn't want to have sex, It is never true. I don't care If he acts respectful, or doesn't make a move, or he's been in other relationships or religious...it doesn't matter, he is a man and I know men extremely well. Unless they guy dropped in on a spaceship from another planet the I don't even have the slightest amount of doubt from a mans point of view.

 

Standards are you kidding me? you're going way off the beaten path here and you're fishing for excuses to believe it's your body, I don't understand your insistence on this but I know that you can't even explain it thoroughly to yourself because It makes absolutely no sense how you're coming up with these theories to me...I wish you could be a fly on the wall and you could follow me around and I'll show you how things really are behind the scenes with men and then you would understand.

 

The only reason he why a man would "reject" you at that point is if he had some kind of dysfunction....erectile dysfunction, some kind of std, anxiety in have sex...something that "prevented" him from going to that level.

 

It's also irrelevant whether a guys had a 3 year relationship or not, you have no idea how he ended up with this girl, how long it took him to have sex with her, what the situation was...If she was the aggressor and made all the moves...in addition this is someone he is used to and comfortable with, this is no way prepares you for the game of dating because It's completely different, you have no idea who this person is, what they like, etc..

 

Personally I've rejected a handful of women from having sex, If I feel the girl is too easy I won't wait until she's half-naked though, I'll just never take her home or leave before it gets to that point...because I am a man and know what will happen once the blood starts flowing and things started getting too sexual. I have a higher sex drive than most guys yet very capable of controlling myself, even in the moment. But I wouldn't have done anything the way this guy has done it, he would either be extremely incompetent, and It doesn't even add up...so a guy invites you to his house and even though he can see your boob size with your clothes on he magically becomes turned off when he sees them without clothes?...what? you really think this happens?

 

If you had a forest of herpes or something off the wall like that then of course a guys going to be like hell no, well some of them anyway.

 

I already gave you the reasons, If you want to run in circles with this theory of yours that's up to you...but I'd advise you to ask men you may know in real life who will be honest with you and tell you the truth, because no guy is going to buy your reasons...it doesn't make any sense to how men think.

 

Funny side note: He is an OBS/GYN resident, which is why I joke it was my body. Maybe he discovered I have an inverted uterus or something! lol. I will never know. But you can see how easy it is to blame myself, or my body, when this guys looks at women naked pretty much all day as a job.

[Jane2011]

Paloma, another thing mentioned was that you have no idea what the guy's history is. And even if he was in a 3 year relationship, that means nothing.

 

I thought it was a big deal, too, that the guy in my situation had had a 2 year relationship. Like, that means he's a relationship guy. I also knew he'd only had sex with two women in his past; he was not a 'player type' to me.

 

Well, I later found out from his ex-girlfriend that he has a whole array of issues, including porn addiction and was molested as a child.

 

Just realize that you don't know what a guy is all about in the beginning. He's not going to tell you upfront that he has a lot of issues, but he may well them...

[Ninjainpajamas]

In regards to your last post, the reasons do not matter.

 

It is normal for a guy to bring a girl out to meet his friends? Some guys care, some guys could care less. Usually It's a good sign but it doesn't mean he is guaranteed into you. Sometimes guys are themselves and just do things the way they want to, they don't care how you interpret it or not.

 

Bottom line: If he was interested then he would have continued to pursue you, that's all that matters. The reasons won't be good enough, it's a never ending circle. Stop feeling bad about yourself, he's not laughing at you...If anything he's the one who lacks judging from how he handled everything with you from what you've said so far, he sounds like an idiot/douche and a guy w issues imo but that's irrelevant.

 

You're just being way too insecure, I know it hurts and It feels really bad but trust me you're taking things way too far, let it settle for a week or so. Seems he had you going, but do you really even want to be w a guy like that? think about it...he did you a favor.

 

Stop holding onto those initial experiences/connections, that kind of thing isn't as real as you think it is and you'll see that once this passes over.