common-sense Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Hi All, Long and short of it...met a gal in May, 2011, broke up with her in July, 2011 -- one main reason was LDR -- and got back together with her in Sept., 2011...and we've been together since. As an aside, my first post to Loveshack.org fleshes out what I've just said. Anyway, since I flat out cannot stand long distance relationships --though she travels my way a disproportionate amount of the time -- I decided to put an end date to the LDR and have her move in on June 1st. Fwiw, we're about 70 miles apart and we see each other around two days a week (in a row). I found out today, that she's keeping a couple of jobs where she currently lives until August 1st and I pitched a fit because quite frankly, I'd like to start enjoying a "normal" relationship with her. I love her immensely and I'm worn out from the distance and lack of daily contact ... though I've read some rather heart-wrenching stories from others in this group who are seriously long distance...and seem to make my dilemma pale in comparison! Soooo, I got pissed at my amor today and told her that if she needed to continue working where she is, perhaps she should continue living there as well, since the amount of time we'll spend together would be no different than it is now...and the main reason I/we put an end date on the LDR is to be together. And yes, she can find work where I'm situated and she can also end her current jobs when she wants, but stretching them out longer is easier than starting anew. In light of what I'd just written, am I being selfish? TIA for your candid opinions.
wildgeese Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 So you're basically saying that you get to see each other two times a week and you're throwing a fit because she wants to keep her jobs only two months past your proposed date? Short answer: Yes. You're being selfish.
Author common-sense Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 ouch...but thanks for your candor. This is my first -- and hopefully last -- LDR. I don't know how some of you endure. I can handle quite a bit of physical pain, but the emotional stress of not being with the one I love on a regular basis, kicks my butt. Thanks again.
missyme04 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 talk to her nicely and let her know what goes on your mind. Maybe she'll understand right? but on your post, yes! you're being some kind of selfish.
Emilia Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Anyway, since I flat out cannot stand long distance relationships --though she travels my way a disproportionate amount of the time -- I decided to put an end date to the LDR and have her move in on June 1st. Fwiw, we're about 70 miles apart and we see each other around two days a week (in a row). I found out today, that she's keeping a couple of jobs where she currently lives until August 1st and I pitched a fit because quite frankly, I'd like to start enjoying a "normal" relationship with her. I love her immensely and I'm worn out from the distance and lack of daily contact ... though I've read some rather heart-wrenching stories from others in this group who are seriously long distance...and seem to make my dilemma pale in comparison! What are those jobs that she wants to keep? Why is she moving to yours rather than the other way round?
Author common-sense Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 What are those jobs that she wants to keep? Why is she moving to yours rather than the other way round? She's a caregiver (because she home schools her son/flexible schedule) and the jobs she's keeping are 24 hour shifts (part-time live-in). She's moving to me for more than a few reasons: I own a small business and my moving means starting over,my rent is less than half of what we'd pay --because I've been here so long -- than in her neck of the woodsI've been living here for 36 years and am well-connected...it can help her vocationallythe school district in my neck of the woods is excellent -- little man's going back to school this fall
Emilia Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Makes complete sense. You are unhappy with LDRs (pretty healthy to dislike it I think) and you are trying your best to build a healthy and mutually beneficial life with her. I don't think you are selfish at all. You are telling her to stop fluffing about, you have a lot to offer that should work for her too. It will make or break your relationship but at least you won't be wasting much of your time if she isn't prepared to make that transition. A lot of people would just complain instead of fixing it. Sounds good to me.
Author common-sense Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 Makes complete sense. You are unhappy with LDRs (pretty healthy to dislike it I think) and you are trying your best to build a healthy and mutually beneficial life with her. I don't think you are selfish at all. You are telling her to stop fluffing about, you have a lot to offer that should work for her too. It will make or break your relationship but at least you won't be wasting much of your time if she isn't prepared to make that transition. A lot of people would just complain instead of fixing it. Sounds good to me. Thanks, Emilia. She's 100% on board with moving in. I just got miffed because we'd decided an end date over a month ago and I'd just found out yesterday that the end date could be mutable. She'd leave the jobs for me if I truly objected, but I won't do that for fear of resentment and I know she needs the work. It's funny...the dynamics of a LDR are different than a local one in that the only time we fight, is when we're apart. I think that's why I'm adamant to be together ... because I want to make sure the magic we have together, is real. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath and relax because I know she loves me as deeply as I love her. 1
Emilia Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) It sounds like you will be fine She will probably keep to the original deadline but even if she doesn't, that time will fly so fast Edited March 19, 2012 by Emilia 1
findingnemo Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Common sense, have you asked her why she needs two more months on the job? Perhaps her employers asked her to stay a bit longer. Otherwise from what you say, it seems like a good idea for her move to where you are. And I also agree that you're just being honest about LDRs...this is your right. The only thing that is a little iffy...and that may disturb her is the idea that she will move her son, change jobs, etc just to try to see if being together is good for you both. I know that this is what most people do but they never quite put it like that. There's always the belief that this is it. Have you said that to her? If so, she could be just scared.
Author common-sense Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) Common sense, have you asked her why she needs two more months on the job? Perhaps her employers asked her to stay a bit longer. Otherwise from what you say, it seems like a good idea for her move to where you are. And I also agree that you're just being honest about LDRs...this is your right. The only thing that is a little iffy...and that may disturb her is the idea that she will move her son, change jobs, etc just to try to see if being together is good for you both. I know that this is what most people do but they never quite put it like that. There's always the belief that this is it. Have you said that to her? If so, she could be just scared. Thanks. Yes, one of her her employers wants her past June 1 -- but it's not hard-coded -- and the other may offer it. And there is the belief that we are both "the one's" for each other, but we've both been through divorce in the past so it tends to ever so slightly, sober unbridled enthusiasm. Having said that, the risks we're both taking -- me opening up my home and her moving her life here -- are not lost on either of us. And I'm probably just a wee bit more scared than she is. Edited March 19, 2012 by common-sense
wildgeese Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Let me clarify something: I don't think you're selfish for having the desires that you do. No one likes a long distance relationship and no wants to be a relationship that could be defined as "not normal". I just feel like in the grand scheme of things two months is nothing and that you should practice a bit more patience. You've been very lucky in that you're able to see one another so often and that you're able to end the distance so quickly. If an employer wants her to stay and she feels like it's the best thing to do, then trust her and respect her on that decision. You can very well disagree but saying "if she needed to continue working where she is, perhaps she should continue living there as well" sounds a bit harsh to me. I'd be very upset if my SO ever said something like that to me instead of just explaining that, quite simply, he misses me and wants to be together sooner.
Author common-sense Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 Let me clarify something: I don't think you're selfish for having the desires that you do. No one likes a long distance relationship and no wants to be a relationship that could be defined as "not normal". I just feel like in the grand scheme of things two months is nothing and that you should practice a bit more patience. You've been very lucky in that you're able to see one another so often and that you're able to end the distance so quickly. If an employer wants her to stay and she feels like it's the best thing to do, then trust her and respect her on that decision. You can very well disagree but saying "if she needed to continue working where she is, perhaps she should continue living there as well" sounds a bit harsh to me. I'd be very upset if my SO ever said something like that to me instead of just explaining that, quite simply, he misses me and wants to be together sooner. Point duly noted...and the love of my life brought that up to me as well. I was caught off guard and reacted vociferously. Where I might agree to disagree with you is time frame. June 1 will be just over a year of LDR and while two months in the span of a lifetime is short, when one is burned out on a situation, two more months can seem long. More than that, I/we had hoped to have her son in my neighborhood for the summer so he can start making friends before school starts...which in and of itself may be a challenge since he's been home-schooled for a couple of years. June 1 wasn't just an arbitrary date, there was some strategy behind it and I simply felt like the manner in which the job extension was presented to me, was less than optimal. I do however see your point and I can see how what I'd said could definitely tick somebody off. fwiw...and thanks again for the input.
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