tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Here is an email I read today in our shared email address. Hello xxx, I received your note. Yes it would be great to catch up on the multiple transitions we each have experienced. We could spend a few days I'm sure. I am sorry to say that after much thought and prayer, it would not be what I feel is the best. I wish you, your wife XXXX and your wonderful children a full and happy life. Read to them often, hold them, play with them, explain things to them to ensure your values and love are passed on. Surrender to what they need whenever they need it and know it is your tenderness and love they need. Nothing else is more important. Be sure you are good to your wife and always place her first! I have the deepest respect for her and what she is setting out to do. Be sure you have time with her and nurture your marriage as it is only through this, I believe, that children are secure (if your married that is.) My daughters, XXX 17 (turns 18 February 22nd) and XXX (19) are beautiful, capable young women now. I have spent the last 19 years of my life committed to ensuring they have what they need physically and emotionally. On my daughter's birthday, she has asked me to accompany her to get her second tattoo! (The first one was when she turned 16! What an honor!) I tell ya, what we think really matters, does not really matter! What is most important are the verbs! Oh and by the way, I'm and Occupational Therapist. Physical Therapy is boring. The woman you work with Tuesday, Ida, is the best hand therapist I know. (Sorry to hear the squirrels got your finger) Donot accuse me of snooping because this is our shared business email. Thanks
sad puppy Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 So do you know who the sender is? Old girlfriend? Old high school friend? Whoever she is, she chose not to put her marriage at any risk by reconnecting. Good move. Most likely an innocent inquiry on the part of your husband.
Author tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 So do you know who the sender is? Old girlfriend? Old high school friend? Whoever she is, she chose not to put her marriage at any risk by reconnecting. Good move. Most likely an innocent inquiry on the part of your husband. Most likely and old gf.
Author tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 It also bothers me that he out of the blue would tell me that he would not have sex with the most beautiful woman because he does not want to ruin his marriage. Why would he have those thoughts in the first place?
sad puppy Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Hmmm, ... Does sound like an old gf. "most beautiful woman" in the world? How does he know? She's probably not so beautiful anymore. Maybe your husband was fishing a bit? I think a lot of people reconnect with old friends, some stay friends, some don't, some have affairs, but I think most people understand it could be trouble and maintain their boundaries, if they value their marriage. His fishing expedition is ovah!!!!!!
Emme Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 "A man is basically as faithful as his options." - Chris Rock
Author tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 You are posting such limited info. How about posting some more background. We have an ok marriage just because he is an arrogant man and I am not that happy with him. He is not happy with me because I am not too sweet to say 'yes dear' to him all the time. He is a good provider, loves his kids, loves me....not sure how much attraction he has towards me nowadays though. I don't like him much because he is arrogant. I am mildly suspicious that he is cheating on me but I have no proof. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. But at the same time I know he has cheated many times before with his ex. We have kids and he is an excellent dad.
Author tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 If he has a prior history of it, it's not likely that he is different now. I'd say trust your gut, do some checking to confirm it. I often time wanted to check on him but it is hard to check him to places he said he was going when I have to pack two toddlers in the car before I can leave the house. But I think one day I will just do it. I have also been meaning to check for condoms in his car.
jwi71 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Tomswife, Just based on the email you quoted above it is not fair and rashly presumptuous to assume ANYTHING. I see NOTHING AT ALL in that note which would make me assume he is cheating or even fishing. For all we know he could have been asking for a referral for the squirrel bite on his hand (I think I'm reading that right) and SHE is a reformed cheater refusing, in her mind, a temptation. And the quip about not having sex with the most beautiful woman in the world...it could be interpreted as a compliment TO YOU and YOUR M. Hard to know not being there. Repeating, taking what is known in this thread I do not see anything that would lead a reasonable person to conclude or even suspect an A. Please more details info. What makes you, specifically, think/suspect he WOULD cheat if given the opportunity?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 GPS the car. Not that expensive. Have considered doing that in the past. There are even small GPS units that can be sewn into a jacket pocket. And if his phone connects to the Internet you can GPS that too. In fact it can be turned into a sort of surveillance to hear conversations even when he isn't on the phone. And you can always keylog the computer. God I sound nuts. I am just really familiar with the options. Considered it for employees when I ran the cleaning service. You dont end up 2 hours late by accident. 1
MissBee Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I'm sorry but I feel like one should ask their partner about this message and see his reaction...not only listen to the words. I think there is ALREADY a problem if you cannot have open discussions but have to ask other people what your spouse is thinking or to say what they would or would not do. That is the bigger problem. Once doubt is in your relationship...you need to address it openly IMO. As stealth tactics etc. do nothing to improve or further communication but continues to build a rift between you two. I think you need to tell him you saw it, ask him about it and explain why it bothers you and go from there. That is the only useful way to go IMO. 1
Frank13 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Tomswife, does your email have a "sent" folder where you can see what message he sent to her to get that reply from her? Depending on the email account, you might have to select the option to have all emails sent to be stored on the "sent" folder. You could also install a keystroke logger program on the computer to see what he is typing.
MissBee Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry....but am I the only one who feels like tomswife needs to be forthright and discuss her findings with Tom BEFORE or instead of resorting to stealth measures??? People complain about the deceit in As and the fact that instead of admitting the truth about their feelings or needs some spouses choose to hide and cheat; yet, it seems like hardly anyone thinks that behaviors like hiding findings and then going on to secretly monitor your spouse's behavior is an unreasonable response and just as deceitful and undermines the relationship just as much as what occurs in cheating. Both are essentially ways of avoiding conflict and using some other thing to soothe one's self instead of tackling one's relationship problems head on. The problem doesn't start with what you find AFTER using stealth tactics....the problem is that you felt the need to do that in the first place and you felt like you couldn't discuss your concerns with your spouse before resorting to that. That to me is already a marriage in trouble as clearly the communication is lacking and spouses do not feel comfortable sharing with each other but prefer spying tools or asking strangers about their spouse. Edited March 19, 2012 by MissBee 3
2sunny Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 We have an ok marriage just because he is an arrogant man and I am not that happy with him. He is not happy with me because I am not too sweet to say 'yes dear' to him all the time. He is a good provider, loves his kids, loves me....not sure how much attraction he has towards me nowadays though. I don't like him much because he is arrogant. I am mildly suspicious that he is cheating on me but I have no proof. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. But at the same time I know he has cheated many times before with his ex. We have kids and he is an excellent dad. Are you looking for a reason to leave? If YOU don't even live and/or admire him as a man and husband - leave him. And what are you typing when you stated that you have to load toddlers in the car - are your kids young or teens?
Author tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 Are you looking for a reason to leave? If YOU don't even live and/or admire him as a man and husband - leave him. And what are you typing when you stated that you have to load toddlers in the car - are your kids young or teens? No, not looking for any reason to leave him. If I want to leave him I would have left him a long time ago just because he is an arrogant person. I take marriage very seriously. I just wonder if he is as honest as I am to him. Yep, 2 year old twins.
MissBee Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 No, not looking for any reason to leave him. If I want to leave him I would have left him a long time ago just because he is an arrogant person. I take marriage very seriously. I just wonder if he is as honest as I am to him. Yep, 2 year old twins. I think you guys should seek marriage counseling....
2sunny Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 No, not looking for any reason to leave him. If I want to leave him I would have left him a long time ago just because he is an arrogant person. I take marriage very seriously. I just wonder if he is as honest as I am to him. Yep, 2 year old twins. But you're not honest - since you don't love and admire him the way he deserves to be loved by his wife... So much criticism about his character = that's not loving behavior. You should tell him how you feel. And you should be honest and tell him you read a suspicious email he got from another woman...and it looked like he was discussing getting together with her. That would be getting honest. Seems you both need to be honest. If you don't have that - you don't have the basics for a healthy marriage. How about communicating your concerns and feelings to him... That is what healthy couples do. 1
MissBee Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) But you're not honest - since you don't love and admire him the way he deserves to be loved by his wife... So much criticism about his character = that's not loving behavior. You should tell him how you feel. And you should be honest and tell him you read a suspicious email he got from another woman...and it looked like he was discussing getting together with her. That would be getting honest. Seems you both need to be honest. If you don't have that - you don't have the basics for a healthy marriage. How about communicating your concerns and feelings to him... That is what healthy couples do. Precisely! Anything else is a waste of time...... If you don't address the foundation then nothing else will even be worthwhile to do. Edited March 19, 2012 by MissBee
2sunny Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Your old threads show he had a 7 year affair before you had kids! Why did you stay? No trust int this M! Why would you have kids? 1
standtall Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Tomswife..it sounds like he was fishing and she shut him down. Men are like fishermen...they just keep casting until something bites...she was politely spitting out the bait, and you just saw it. I'll take the over on this one and say that he's gone fishing before and intends on doing it again. The other posters here are right...start looking around. 1
maybealone Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Without knowing who wrote the email, it's a little hard to know what's behind it. The author comes across as being quite melodramatic, so she could have been reading something into your husband's actions that might not have even been there. But assuming this is true... Your old threads show he had a 7 year affair before you had kids! ...then the answer to "Given a chance, would my husband cheat?" is probably yes just because he already has. Whether or not he had intentions with this woman if for you to discuss with him.
Author tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 Without knowing who wrote the email, it's a little hard to know what's behind it. The author comes across as being quite melodramatic, so she could have been reading something into your husband's actions that might not have even been there. But assuming this is true... ...then the answer to "Given a chance, would my husband cheat?" is probably yes just because he already has. Whether or not he had intentions with this woman if for you to discuss with him. He has an emotional affair with an ex gf who lived 5 states away 7 years ago. He denied it was an affair of any kind but the counsellor explained to us that it was an emotional affair. I plan to have a talk with him and ask him what's missing in the marriage. I am not a perfect woman and I know I can't fill the gap that has been there since his childhood. If he thinks someone out there can help him and give him the fulfilling life he wants/needs he is free to go.
Spark1111 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I'm sorry....but am I the only one who feels like tomswife needs to be forthright and discuss her findings with Tom BEFORE or instead of resorting to stealth measures??? People complain about the deceit in As and the fact that instead of admitting the truth about their feelings or needs some spouses choose to hide and cheat; yet, it seems like hardly anyone thinks that behaviors like hiding findings and then going on to secretly monitor your spouse's behavior is an unreasonable response and just as deceitful and undermines the relationship just as much as what occurs in cheating. Both are essentially ways of avoiding conflict and using some other thing to soothe one's self instead of tackling one's relationship problems head on. The problem doesn't start with what you find AFTER using stealth tactics....the problem is that you felt the need to do that in the first place and you felt like you couldn't discuss your concerns with your spouse before resorting to that. That to me is already a marriage in trouble as clearly the communication is lacking and spouses do not feel comfortable sharing with each other but prefer spying tools or asking strangers about their spouse. I agree with you in principle, MissBee, but here is the reality. Ninety percent of the time when a spouse does suspect cheating, they find it. Sad, but true. If you confront a spouse who is cheating, they arrogantly dismiss all your projections.....as opposed to reassuring you. It's called gaslighting and it works very well on the innocent and unsuspecting. It also enables the spouse, if they are IN FACT cheating or trying to, to go underground. I find the email questionable in that you were not informed of it immediately but discovered it on your own. I also find it questionable in that there seems to have been a series of communication that preceded it, again which you knew nothing about. I believe accidental or intentional communication with former bfs or gfs, especially when they start to wane sappy about being greatful for your marriage and children, should be disclosed to your spouse immediately. Get the GPS. He may be totally innocent or not, but emailing old gfs regarding the state of one's marriage is a huge red flag that someone is finding it comfortable to discuss issues within the marriage to someone outside the marriage. And he did not sleep with the most beautiful girl in the world to preserve his marriage is truly a back-handed slap of a compliment.....sigh....how noble of him. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I think you guys should seek marriage counseling.... I agree with this too. Either you have a loving, fulfilled, respectful relationship with your spouse, or you don't. Maybe he can tone down the arroagance, and you can turn up the respect.
2sunny Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 So you've had evidence for years that your H doesn't connect with you on an emotionally healthy level... Then you decided to have kids without making sure you had a good/strong foundation for the marriage. Now - years later you seem surprised that he's connecting with another woman. He is! The question really is "why isn't he ting to connect and get closer to you - his wife!? Ask him why he isn't! It must hurt to see a H that continues to spend time and energy focusing on getting close to/intimate with other women - not you. Why are YOU putting up with a man that doesn't intend to make you that intimate bond?
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