starryeyed12 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 A guy that I really care about had an emotional affair at the end of his 10 year marriage (not with me). Before they were married he cheated on her as well. He used to be in a band when they were dating, and a few times before shows he let a few different women go down on him. That probably should have been the warning sign not to be with this woman, but she proposed to him and he said yes. He never admitted this to her, but says he felt extremely guilty. They have a son together. Fast forward to now. She is living with her fiance of a few years and they just had their first child together about a year ago. The two still communicate weekly, and have a pretty good working relationship because of their son. He is in love with me and part of me loves him, but we have had a rocky, somewhat toxic relationship that I'm trying to move on from. Anyway, today we were having this talk about things and I said that I don't think I could ever be with a serial liar like him. I said that I couldn't imagine being with someone who could lie to their wife like that for so long. I said he should come clean to her and ask for her forgiveness. Its not really my business I suppose, but something makes ME so angry that he still harbors that secret from her. The idea just came out. Part of me feels like I would respect him more if after all these years he confessed and apologized to her. Is it ever too late to come clean about a terrible deed?
thehead Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 A guy that I really care about had an emotional affair at the end of his 10 year marriage (not with me). Before they were married he cheated on her as well. He used to be in a band when they were dating, and a few times before shows he let a few different women go down on him. That probably should have been the warning sign not to be with this woman, but she proposed to him and he said yes. He never admitted this to her, but says he felt extremely guilty. They have a son together. Fast forward to now. She is living with her fiance of a few years and they just had their first child together about a year ago. The two still communicate weekly, and have a pretty good working relationship because of their son. He is in love with me and part of me loves him, but we have had a rocky, somewhat toxic relationship that I'm trying to move on from. Anyway, today we were having this talk about things and I said that I don't think I could ever be with a serial liar like him. I said that I couldn't imagine being with someone who could lie to their wife like that for so long. I said he should come clean to her and ask for her forgiveness. Its not really my business I suppose, but something makes ME so angry that he still harbors that secret from her. The idea just came out. Part of me feels like I would respect him more if after all these years he confessed and apologized to her. Is it ever too late to come clean about a terrible deed? I would not interfere, OP. The way it reads, it's about you feeling better and reassured about this guy. He has a kid and a relationship with the kid's mother. That comes first and sorry, not your feelings about wanting to trust him. Him bringing up the past will only strain things between him and the woman. I'd back off from encouraging him to apologize to her. Leave his past alone and find your own peace about being with this dude if that's what you want. 1
Author starryeyed12 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I think you're probably right. I guess there does come a time when its too late to come clean, and the truth should remain buried from those which it was hidden. I dunno. Ive just always been a believer in the truth always being the right thing. Not the white lies we tell to spare a friends feelings, but the truth about who we are and what we have done that we had vowed not to do. It's hard to say, hey let that one go. But the past is the past now, I suppose.
cerridwen Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I think you're probably right. I guess there does come a time when its too late to come clean, and the truth should remain buried from those which it was hidden. I dunno. Ive just always been a believer in the truth always being the right thing. Not the white lies we tell to spare a friends feelings, but the truth about who we are and what we have done that we had vowed not to do. It's hard to say, hey let that one go. But the past is the past now, I suppose. I could see where you're coming from were the two still married. But since both have moved on, what's to be gained? I see this only causing pain for the mother of the child. I agree with thehead on this. Better to leave the skeleton buried.
Author starryeyed12 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 I could see where you're coming from were the two still married. But since both have moved on, what's to be gained? I see this only causing pain for the mother of the child. I agree with thehead on this. Better to leave the skeleton buried. Maybe so. Just a funny idea. If you wait long enough, you can say you're "doing the right thing" by keeping up on a lie.
cerridwen Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Maybe so. Just a funny idea. If you wait long enough, you can say you're "doing the right thing" by keeping up on a lie. That's one way of looking at it. Another is to "let sleeping dogs lie."
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 A guy that I really care about had an emotional affair at the end of his 10 year marriage (not with me). Before they were married he cheated on her as well. He used to be in a band when they were dating, and a few times before shows he let a few different women go down on him. That probably should have been the warning sign not to be with this woman, but she proposed to him and he said yes. He never admitted this to her, but says he felt extremely guilty. They have a son together. Fast forward to now. She is living with her fiance of a few years and they just had their first child together about a year ago. The two still communicate weekly, and have a pretty good working relationship because of their son. He is in love with me and part of me loves him, but we have had a rocky, somewhat toxic relationship that I'm trying to move on from. Anyway, today we were having this talk about things and I said that I don't think I could ever be with a serial liar like him. I said that I couldn't imagine being with someone who could lie to their wife like that for so long. I said he should come clean to her and ask for her forgiveness. Its not really my business I suppose, but something makes ME so angry that he still harbors that secret from her. The idea just came out. Part of me feels like I would respect him more if after all these years he confessed and apologized to her. Is it ever too late to come clean about a terrible deed? So wait, WHAT???? You are trying to move on from this guy... and you are somehow STUCK on the idea that HE should bother to fess-up to his now-EX wife about some cheating he did on HER more than a decade ago??? Why in the heck should she care NOW? (she probably had her suspicions and expectations at the time, about the musician boyfriend) Better yet, why was this guy foolish enough to TELL YOU in the first place about this cheating he did on the other woman?? Just move on with your life and leave them all behind...
Author starryeyed12 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) So wait, WHAT???? You are trying to move on from this guy... and you are somehow STUCK on the idea that HE should bother to fess-up to his now-EX wife about some cheating he did on HER more than a decade ago??? Why in the heck should she care NOW? (she probably had her suspicions and expectations at the time, about the musician boyfriend) Better yet, why was this guy foolish enough to TELL YOU in the first place about this cheating he did on the other woman?? Just move on with your life and leave them all behind... It's not really about her caring or not. In fact I hope at this point the sting would be gone for the most part. The point would be that, through the confession, he takes ownership of his actions and whatever consequence remains. Whatever can be gained or lost from the truth will be. It's out there. He's openly shared his secret and his pain. And the pain it still causes for future relationships. A release. What is the point of telling the truth ever then? Edited March 22, 2012 by starryeyed12
Author starryeyed12 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 So wait, WHAT???? You are trying to move on from this guy... and you are somehow STUCK on the idea that HE should bother to fess-up to his now-EX wife about some cheating he did on HER more than a decade ago??? Why in the heck should she care NOW? (she probably had her suspicions and expectations at the time, about the musician boyfriend) Better yet, why was this guy foolish enough to TELL YOU in the first place about this cheating he did on the other woman?? Just move on with your life and leave them all behind... If only it were that easy!!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) What is the point of telling the truth ever then? This is not about "telling the truth". This is about avoiding the chance that his irresponsible actions could cause some sort of hurt to another, innocent person. He has exactly nothing to gain from telling, and there is the chance that he will be seen as merely trying to bring her down (further). If you stole some grapes from a supermarket 25 years ago, then go and apologize to the manager and promise never to do so again, if you are so hell-bent on "telling the truth". This way, you can live the pure joy of telling the truth, and NOBODY ELSE'S LIFE will be potentially harmed by your choice to do so. The manager will point and laugh as you walk away, but you will have "told the truth". Edited March 25, 2012 by SincereOnlineGuy
TaraMaiden Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 .....had an emotional affair at the end of his 10 year marriage (not with me). .....he cheated on her as well. He is in love with me and part of me loves him, but we have had a rocky, somewhat toxic relationship that I'm trying to move on from. Anyway, .... I don't think I could ever be with a serial liar like him. I said that I couldn't imagine being with someone who could lie to their wife like that for so long..... Is it ever too late to come clean about a terrible deed? You're asking the wrong question. The right question is; 'If I value truth, honesty openness and fidelity so much - why am I even investing any time in this guy? Why am i 'trying to move on'....' Why am i simply not telling him - "we can''t do this any more. I cannot see myself being in a relationship with you, for reasons you know damn well." -And just leave? 1
Author starryeyed12 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 You're asking the wrong question. The right question is; 'If I value truth, honesty openness and fidelity so much - why am I even investing any time in this guy? Why am i 'trying to move on'....' Why am i simply not telling him - "we can''t do this any more. I cannot see myself being in a relationship with you, for reasons you know damn well." -And just leave? Why am I simply not? Because it doesn't feel that simple to me. I miss him and think about him far too often. I see the point in it sometimes being too late to come clean. I don't think it would be a horrible thing if done the right way, but I'm never going to push it.
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