From my ex to you.

[emby]

So we all like to speak about why you should go no contact (NC) after a breakup. But it's hard medicine to swallow. What if it's your own ex telling you to go NC?

I emailed my ex asking a long list of questions, which he very kindly replied to. He also added this paragraph to the end and I'd like to share it with you. I am lucky (?) enough to have my ex spelling this out to me, whereas some of you may be being ignored by an ex and not know why.

 

"You have to know I'm not going to reply to your every text and call because I know it won't be beneficial to you. You have to detox yourself and every time you try and reach out for me you jeopardise your ability to get over me. This is what I remember from when I was in your position. Even though it seems like a good idea, it's not. The analogy is a drug. You think it'll make you feel better but in the long run you're making it harder to give it up. I don't think this Q & A was a good idea for this purpose but I did it as a favour to you. This is your last 'hit' from me and I hope it's enough to get you through this time."

 

So there you go. That's the guy I'm in love with. I hope what he said to me will help to benefit you in some way.

[BewitchedandBothered]

So we all like to speak about why you should go no contact (NC) after a breakup. But it's hard medicine to swallow. What if it's your own ex telling you to go NC?

I emailed my ex asking a long list of questions, which he very kindly replied to. He also added this paragraph to the end and I'd like to share it with you. I am lucky (?) enough to have my ex spelling this out to me, whereas some of you may be being ignored by an ex and not know why.

 

"You have to know I'm not going to reply to your every text and call because I know it won't be beneficial to you. You have to detox yourself and every time you try and reach out for me you jeopardise your ability to get over me. This is what I remember from when I was in your position. Even though it seems like a good idea, it's not. The analogy is a drug. You think it'll make you feel better but in the long run you're making it harder to give it up. I don't think this Q & A was a good idea for this purpose but I did it as a favour to you. This is your last 'hit' from me and I hope it's enough to get you through this time."

 

So there you go. That's the guy I'm in love with. I hope what he said to me will help to benefit you in some way.

 

What a tool. Someday you will say "What did I ever see in him?" I wish my bank account were as big as his ego, lOL

[emby]

What a tool. Someday you will say "What did I ever see in him?" I wish my bank account were as big as his ego, lOL

 

Well, do you not think he's giving good advice?

I think he said some of that stuff cos I said things like 'you can't blame me for my actions, you were heartbroken once, remember what it was like'.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Well, do you not think he's giving good advice?

I think he said some of that stuff cos I said things like 'you can't blame me for my actions, you were heartbroken once, remember what it was like'.

 

I have a problem with how he words it. I don't think i ever told someone they need to detox from me, LOL. You still defend this guy. And he swats you away like a fly. Best advice before you emailed him was NO CONTACT. We, who have been there, have told you that. Unbelievable. Shaking my head at this guy.

[emby]

I have a problem with how he words it. I don't think i ever told someone they need to detox from me, LOL. You still defend this guy. And he swats you away like a fly. Best advice before you emailed him was NO CONTACT. We, who have been there, have told you that. Unbelievable. Shaking my head at this guy.

 

Ehh. He's not wrong though...

[rootless]

Well, do you not think he's giving good advice?

I think he said some of that stuff cos I said things like 'you can't blame me for my actions, you were heartbroken once, remember what it was like'.

 

He sounded just a *tiny* bit arrogant, but i have to say, I'm pretty impressed with that.

 

He told you the truth, and he gave you advice that's in both your best interests.

 

And he took time to answer your questions.

 

At least you know he cares about you and respects you.

[emby]

He sounded just a *tiny* bit arrogant, but i have to say, I'm pretty impressed with that.

 

He told you the truth, and he gave you advice that's in both your best interests.

 

And he took time to answer your questions.

 

At least you know he cares about you and respects you.

 

It is very true. He's one of the most mature people I've ever met. Funny, though, it only came out when we broke up and in the aftermath.

His respect and caring and maturity though...makes it all the harder to get over him *sigh*.

I almost wish he'd just cheated on me so I could hate his guts! But everything (apart from leading me on for so long) has been fairly and kindly done. He is a good person.

[rootless]

It is very true. He's one of the most mature people I've ever met. Funny, though, it only came out when we broke up and in the aftermath.

His respect and caring and maturity though...makes it all the harder to get over him *sigh*.

I almost wish he'd just cheated on me so I could hate his guts! But everything (apart from leading me on for so long) has been fairly and kindly done. He is a good person.

 

Been there.

 

It's tough.

 

So hard to reconcile their general goodness with the fact that they're not in love with you anymore.

 

But it's WAY, WAY better than the alternative.

 

I'd much rather ask myself, "Why couldn't this work?" rather than "How could you be so friggin' cruel?".

[emby]

Been there.

 

It's tough.

 

So hard to reconcile their general goodness with the fact that they're not in love with you anymore.

 

But it's WAY, WAY better than the alternative.

 

I'd much rather ask myself, "Why couldn't this work?" rather than "How could you be so friggin' cruel?".

 

Hmm.

What's better?

To think, I spent X months of my life with this wonderful person and then lost them, or I spent X months of my life with this crappy person and I'm better off without them??

(Lol I say this just when he is being an a**hole in texts to me).

On the one hand I'm gutted because he's awesome, on the other hand...he stayed with me all that time when he had doubts and didn't want a serious relationship?? Whaaa?

[emby]

Do you know what's interesting?

Now I have some form of closure and I've pretty much lost all hope of getting back together, I feel a sense of relief.

Yeah I feel absolutely terrible don't get me wrong, but there's some relief there. Anyway I spent most of the relationship being scared of being dumped. The worst is over at least for now.

[rootless]

Hmm.

What's better?

To think, I spent X months of my life with this wonderful person and then lost them, or I spent X months of my life with this crappy person and I'm better off without them??

(Lol I say this just when he is being an a**hole in texts to me).

On the one hand I'm gutted because he's awesome, on the other hand...he stayed with me all that time when he had doubts and didn't want a serious relationship?? Whaaa?

 

 

I love your post that followed this one, but there's a line here I wanted to stop and take a look at...

 

He stayed with you all that time, because that's how great you are.

He was conflicted, but there was something so compelling about you that he fought himself over it.

 

There's a beautiful message in there, if you can peel back the parts that hurt.

 

That's the thing so many of us forget--

They changed-- but at one time they really did love us.

 

And that wasn't by accident.

 

If you weren't attractive and charming and wonderful, he wouldn't have approached you at all.

And he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did.

 

Even if he left, that in no way diminishes who you are, or what you have offer.

 

Your beauty and worth is tied to who you are, not who you're with.

 

This guy, whatever his issues are, took time to answer all your questions.

He would NOT have done that if you didn't leave an idelible mark on him.

 

You've seen all those threads here-- the infamous cut and run.

 

But you're NOT easy to leave.

 

That should tell you something.

 

Now you have an opportunity to share that same beauty with someone who will STAY.

 

And that's pretty great, right?

[BewitchedandBothered]

I love your post that followed this one, but there's a line here I wanted to stop and take a look at...

 

He stayed with you all that time, because that's how great you are.

He was conflicted, but there was something so compelling about you that he fought himself over it.

 

There's a beautiful message in there, if you can peel back the parts that hurt.

 

That's the thing so many of us forget--

They changed-- but at one time they really did love us.

 

And that wasn't by accident.

 

If you weren't attractive and charming and wonderful, he wouldn't have approached you at all.

And he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did.

 

Even if he left, that in no way diminishes who you are, or what you have offer.

 

Your beauty and worth is tied to who you are, not who you're with.

 

This guy, whatever his issues are, took time to answer all your questions.

He would NOT have done that if you didn't leave an idelible mark on him.

 

You've seen all those threads here-- the infamous cut and run.

 

But you're NOT easy to leave.

 

That should tell you something.

 

Now you have an opportunity to share that same beauty with someone who will STAY.

 

And that's pretty great, right?

 

Right on!!

[emby]

I love your post that followed this one, but there's a line here I wanted to stop and take a look at...

 

He stayed with you all that time, because that's how great you are.

He was conflicted, but there was something so compelling about you that he fought himself over it.

 

There's a beautiful message in there, if you can peel back the parts that hurt.

 

That's the thing so many of us forget--

They changed-- but at one time they really did love us.

 

And that wasn't by accident.

 

If you weren't attractive and charming and wonderful, he wouldn't have approached you at all.

And he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did.

 

Even if he left, that in no way diminishes who you are, or what you have offer.

 

Your beauty and worth is tied to who you are, not who you're with.

 

This guy, whatever his issues are, took time to answer all your questions.

He would NOT have done that if you didn't leave an idelible mark on him.

 

You've seen all those threads here-- the infamous cut and run.

 

But you're NOT easy to leave.

 

That should tell you something.

 

Now you have an opportunity to share that same beauty with someone who will STAY.

 

And that's pretty great, right?

 

Thank you so much I'm going to keep re-reading this.

 

I guess my question to him really is 'why did you stay?'

Not only did he stay, but he gave it another chance, and when it didn't work out, he answered all my questions and didn't cut me off.

You're right, it was hard for him to leave! And I hope that says something about me rather than just about him (ie being cowardly or feeling too guilty to go through with it).

[gibson]

Doesn't change the fact that you are hurting but it's nice that he was thoughtful and kind enough to give you some closure. Sure he was a little condescending but I think it comes from a good place.

 

My hope is that you found the closure you were looking for.

 

Like with most G.I.G.S. people it's just an age / timing issue. If you two met / meet later on life, more than likely, you would have had a different outcome (as in, this would / could have worked).

 

Honestly, this isn't because of you or anything you did or didn't do. There was really nothing you could have done to stop or prevent it this from happening.

[emby]

Doesn't change the fact that you are hurting but it's nice that he was thoughtful and kind enough to give you some closure. Sure he was a little condescending but I think it comes from a good place.

 

My hope is that you found the closure you were looking for.

 

Like with most G.I.G.S. people it's just an age / timing issue. If you two met / meet later on life, more than likely, you would have had a different outcome (as in, this would / could have worked).

 

Honestly, this isn't because of you or anything you did or didn't do. There was really nothing you could have done to stop or prevent it this from happening.

 

For sure!

He came to uni with high expectations of his time here. In fact, he didn't come with his mind on a career, it was more for the experience. He said himself "I didn't come to uni to fall in love." and also "I'm just not ready to have to think about someone else". He had a relationship for the last two years of high school and said he regretted he didn't make the most of those last few years. So, I do get it. Even so, I was worth giving up the single life for, for a while

[coltsfan1]

Emby- your ex seems like a top notch fella, I understand you are hurting but he told you the truth. I can also tell you from my own personal experience that asking yourself why didn't it work is much better than your ex cheating. The advice rootless gave you is spot on and a great post. Give things time you will heal.

[emby]

Does the end of his email explain why he's gone NC on me?

Ignoring my texts?

It may seem obvious but you know, breakup brain and everything...

[CopingGal]

I dunno. I actually liked what he said. He seems to be caring...unless it's all an act.

[coltsfan1]

I would have to say yes. The reason he won't talk to you is because he cares for you and wants you to heal. Whatever you do DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!! Post here, cry to true friends, get the feelings and questions out, but stay away from him.

 

I promise you will heal, grow, and change from this situation. The bad part is it will not be over night, it took me 18 months to put myself completely back together. The great news is I am at the best place I have ever been and I get to share it with someone that wants to be there. The kind of sad part is to won't be my ex and in some twisted way all the hardwork, drive and motivation was brought on by her. Strange catch 22 but truth never the less.