Give me your perspective on this LS...

[JC14]

Hey guys,

 

I don’t even know where to start. I am just so confused.

 

My girlfriend (20) broke up with me (24) over 8 months ago (GIGS). I was devastated. We have been in NC for over 5 months now. It has been hard. Since the start of NC I have been in therapy. It started of pretty good. I was doing well at college, physically, socially etc. Overall, I felt I was on the way to be healed. Yet, since the beginning of February my situation has only gotten worse. I feel absolutely terrible. My thoughts/emotions are all over the place. I can be angry at everything at one point to being incredibly sad 30 minutes later. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t see the light anymore.

At first I tried my best and followed my therapists advice, ‘fake it ‘till you make it’, but I can’t any more. It just doesn’t work for me, obviously. I am still so hung up over my ex. I love her so much. I am so tired of feeling so incredibly hurt all the time. Everyday I walk around with so much pain. I just can’t let my ex go. On the one hand I want to get over her and be happy again, on the other I really want her back in my life.

Due to the fact that the therapy doesn’t really work, I am doubting everything. I have no faith in therapy (‘emdr therapy’ since this week) to be honest, but I also don’t know what else to do. Since the last couple of weeks I am having the feeling the NC is working against me. I still have hope that we can work things can out. I think that this bit of hope, is the thing that is keeping me from moving on.

 

So, this is what is keeping me up at night. I can’t move on. So, why shouldn’t I contact her and see if see wants to get back together? What are the possible outcomes?

 

1. She is happy and doesn’t want to try again.

2. She misses me too, and wants to work things out.

3. She gives a vague answer, neither yes or no.

4. No answer.

 

To be honest, I would put my money on number 1. If she wanted to get back together, she could have contacted me herself. She broke up with my due GIGS, in light of this, 8 months isn’t that much time. However, you never know. The most logical choice doesn’t have to be the right choice . Could it be number 2? She is a proud stubborn girl, someone who pusses her emotions away. She also knows that I was a bit depressed because of the break up. Maybe she is afraid the get in touch. Btw, I have been nothing but good to her and the break up was friendly.

I just don’t know anymore. I just want to know what direction to follow. I want to follow a path without any doubts. Even if it means letting her go. But right now, I can’t. If it is outcome number 1, maybe it will give me the closure I need. It will mean that the door is totally closed, and with it all hope will die.

 

What do you guys think, should I contact her? Will it give me the closure I need or will this absolutely backfire?

 

Thank you guys in advance!

 

JC14:confused:

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hey guys,

 

I don’t even know where to start. I am just so confused.

 

My girlfriend (20) broke up with me (24) over 8 months ago (GIGS). I was devastated. We have been in NC for over 5 months now. It has been hard. Since the start of NC I have been in therapy. It started of pretty good. I was doing well at college, physically, socially etc. Overall, I felt I was on the way to be healed. Yet, since the beginning of February my situation has only gotten worse. I feel absolutely terrible. My thoughts/emotions are all over the place. I can be angry at everything at one point to being incredibly sad 30 minutes later. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t see the light anymore.

At first I tried my best and followed my therapists advice, ‘fake it ‘till you make it’, but I can’t any more. It just doesn’t work for me, obviously. I am still so hung up over my ex. I love her so much. I am so tired of feeling so incredibly hurt all the time. Everyday I walk around with so much pain. I just can’t let my ex go. On the one hand I want to get over her and be happy again, on the other I really want her back in my life.

Due to the fact that the therapy doesn’t really work, I am doubting everything. I have no faith in therapy (‘emdr therapy’ since this week) to be honest, but I also don’t know what else to do. Since the last couple of weeks I am having the feeling the NC is working against me. I still have hope that we can work things can out. I think that this bit of hope, is the thing that is keeping me from moving on.

 

So, this is what is keeping me up at night. I can’t move on. So, why shouldn’t I contact her and see if see wants to get back together? What are the possible outcomes?

 

1. She is happy and doesn’t want to try again.

2. She misses me too, and wants to work things out.

3. She gives a vague answer, neither yes or no.

4. No answer.

 

To be honest, I would put my money on number 1. If she wanted to get back together, she could have contacted me herself. She broke up with my due GIGS, in light of this, 8 months isn’t that much time. However, you never know. The most logical choice doesn’t have to be the right choice . Could it be number 2? She is a proud stubborn girl, someone who pusses her emotions away. She also knows that I was a bit depressed because of the break up. Maybe she is afraid the get in touch. Btw, I have been nothing but good to her and the break up was friendly.

I just don’t know anymore. I just want to know what direction to follow. I want to follow a path without any doubts. Even if it means letting her go. But right now, I can’t. If it is outcome number 1, maybe it will give me the closure I need. It will mean that the door is totally closed, and with it all hope will die.

 

What do you guys think, should I contact her? Will it give me the closure I need or will this absolutely backfire?

 

Thank you guys in advance!

 

JC14:confused:

Are you sure it's GIGS? And do NOT contact her. Let her contact you. In the mean time, you have some healing to do and YOU CANNOT RUSH IT.

 

Not sure what fake it till you make it means--but if you are faking, you are lying to yourself. Cry when you need to, I used to scream into a pillow, LOL!!! Use the thread on Coping that says 'post here instead of contacting your ex'.

 

For whatever reason, she needs her space and wants to see other people. Don't wait around. And remember, every day is one day closer to feeling better. you are healing each day and don't realize it just yet.

 

Never look to the ex for closure; if so, she would have given that to you when she let you go. There is nothing she can say now that will make you feel better.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Read this thread; it is extremely helpful:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/56954-do-you-really-think-contacting-your-ex-going-help-you-guide-long-walk#

[rootless]

I'll echo what Bewitched said-- I think she's given you some real gems there.

 

But if you're dealing with depression, I'd support your therapist's suggestion to "fake it 'till you make it."

 

It's not about supressing, or avoiding your feelings.

It's about trying to instill a positive attitude when you feel you have no positivity left.

It's for those times when you're so sad you have trouble just functioning.

By "faking it" you can get through the things you need to-- work, school, etc.

 

You also reinforce the idea of taking action and trying to regain a happier outlook in life.

 

I had to do the same thing when I was 23.

It works.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'll echo what Bewitched said-- I think she's given you some real gems there.

 

But if you're dealing with depression, I'd support your therapist's suggestion to "fake it 'till you make it."

 

It's not about supressing, or avoiding your feelings.

It's about trying to instill a positive attitude when you feel you have no positivity left.

It's for those times when you're so sad you have trouble just functioning.

By "faking it" you can get through the things you need to-- work, school, etc.

 

You also reinforce the idea of taking action and trying to regain a happier outlook in life.

 

I had to do the same thing when I was 23.

It works.

 

Thanks for clarifying, Rootless, wasn't completely sure what that fake it expression meant. I was on autopilot--you have to live, pay the bills, eat...breathe;) There is always a light. "Clouded is the mind, and hemmed with restraint when emotions hold sway"-Boethius One of my favorite quotes and oh so very true. The 20somethings remind me of "When I was One and Twenty..."--oh, tis true, tis true:)

[JC14]

Thank you guys!

 

I understand that in order to heal, NC is the best way. But, what if I want her back and I think there is still hope? Are you telling me to follow NC, regardless of any chances of reconciliation there might be? I can't move on, because I still have hope. I can't just continue my life and heal, with this hope in me.

 

I want to continue my life with her;

OR

Without her, because I really feel/know that there is no way back.

 

I just don't know if I can accomplish the latter without contacting her. That's why I feel like I need to contact her. I’m so confused...

 

Thnx again!

 

Any insights?

[KathyM]

Sounds like she has moved on with her life, and you need to do the same. If a person leaves a relationship, they did not value it enough, and you don't want to be the fall back plan do you? Time to move on. And therapists are only successful if the client is willing to put forth the effort to move past the hurts and problems that is keeping him stuck. If you aren't willing to move past it, there is nothing the therapist can do to make you move past it. EMDR is sometimes helpful for things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but it seems a little questionable for using in what you are going through. If no progress seems to be made after a reasonable amount of time in therapy, you may want to try another therapist, but just understand that it is the client and his motivation and willingness to change that determines how successful the therapy will be more than anything or any technique the therapist uses.

[JC14]

Sounds like she has moved on with her life, and you need to do the same. If a person leaves a relationship, they did not value it enough, and you don't want to be the fall back plan do you? Time to move on. And therapists are only successful if the client is willing to put forth the effort to move past the hurts and problems that is keeping him stuck. If you aren't willing to move past it, there is nothing the therapist can do to make you move past it. EMDR is sometimes helpful for things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but it seems a little questionable for using in what you are going through. If no progress seems to be made after a reasonable amount of time in therapy, you may want to try another therapist, but just understand that it is the client and his motivation and willingness to change that determines how successful the therapy will be more than anything or any technique the therapist uses.

 

I understand. It's just, right now, I have no faith in my therapists method. We have been talking for 6 months now, and I still feel like no real decisive progress has been made. My motivation is totally gone and I feel stuck. I really need a way/method that shows me that I will be healed. If I have this, my motivation will be back and I can start to move on. Now we are just 'trying' in my opinion... Trust me, I want to move on, I just don't know how. I don't see it and, right now, I don't believe it.

 

Thank you for your response KathyM!

[KathyM]

I understand. It's just, right now, I have no faith in my therapists method. We have been talking for 6 months now, and I still feel like no real decisive progress has been made. My motivation is totally gone and I feel stuck. I really need a way/method that shows me that I will be healed. If I have this, my motivation will be back and I can start to move on. Now we are just 'trying' in my opinion... Trust me, I want to move on, I just don't know how. I don't see it and, right now, I don't believe it.

 

Thank you for your response KathyM!

If you've been going to therapy for six months and no progress has been made, you may want to make an appointment with another therapist (before dropping your current one) just to get an outside opinion on what he might recommend for you as a form of therapy. Never hurts to get a second opinion and an alternative treatment plan, if what you are doing now is not helping you. But like I said, the motivation to move on with your life has to come from you. The therapist can't produce it for you. What I would suggest in the interim is, and the best way I know of to move on from an ex, is to start focusing on people outside of yourself, and spending time on altruistic things that you can develop a passion for. When you focus on helping others and investing your time for the benefit of others, then you will be less focused on the pain you are going through yourself, and that will help to refocus your mental energy on something positive. That would be my suggestion--try an appointment with a new therapist to get their take on a possible treatment plan, and start investing your time in something good that will keep your mind occupied on the positive, and it will have less time to dwell on your pain.