Still living with the ex, the emotion rushes back...

March 18, 2012

Search my other posts for the backstory...

Long story short, my current GF of 5 years left me very unexpectedly. She basically flipped a switch on me without warning. She is already seeing someone else. We were living together and have been stuck living together for the past month. The end of this month we will finally be able to move on.

This past week I came to my hometown for my birthday. This is also her hometown. We both live in NYC right now. I though it would be good for me to get away from her and the situation for a week. Well, it has been the worst week since the breakup happened over a month ago. I was pretty strong and feeling that I was ready to move on. When I came here, a rush of emotion came back. Everyone I hung out with, every place I saw reminded me of her. This is where we started together, and we shared an amazing time here before we moved to NYC together.

I can't get out of this mode of beating myself up. I wasn't a complete a**hole during the relationship. I didn't cheat or lie. I just don't think I always gave her a lot of attention. I feel like I pushed her away and blew her off a lot. She was always very good to me. Thinking about that kills me. I don't know what she did to make me feel or act that way. At times I was bored. At times I felt resentful. The resent came from her lack of communication, and affection. I think we both lost our affectionate side and I really don't know why.

Anyways, I go back home tomorrow and I will have 12 days left in this mess. I am just hoping that this trip is what sparked all these emotions. I hope I will be able to continue to hold it together in front of her the next time I see her. I feel like i'm going backwards. Has anyone been in this situation?

March 19, 2012

Hi HITC,

I've been lurking on this site for months, but reading what you are going through has prompted me to finally start posting.*

I was in your situation about 4 months ago. Ex GF of 6 years flipped a switch seemingly overnight and my world was turned upside down. She even wanted me to stay living in our flat together as friends while she tried to figure out what was making her so unhappy! Anyway after the initial shock I started behaving like the worlds best BF in a desperate bid to win back her love... but after 2 days i realised this was utter BS. I deserved better and I could do better. I announced I was moving out, and was out of her life 2 days later and didn't look back. Only when me moving out was a reality did she show any emotion to our split.*

You truly deserve a medal for keeping sane all this time. My point is you have not started to heal yet as you still share a home together. This is why the emotions came rushing back when you went back to your hometown. I'll be counting down the next 12 days with you bro, as I'm sure many other LS peeps will be too!

I'm 4 months out and I can tell you it gets better. My ex was someone I loved dearly but didn't always show it, just like you. Do not beat yourself up though. Right now you are kicking yourself for not showing her affection*24/7*and for pushing her away sometimes. Trust me, after a few months of reflection you'll realise exactly why you did those things. I sure as as hell did. My ex was not perfect and if I was ever "off" with her, she fully deserved it!

I think men can be bored and plod along in a long-term relationship for YEARS before deciding it's over. Women on the other hand can end a good LTR out of "boredom" in months if not WEEKS, especially if another man is involved. Giving her more attention or whatever would not have changed the outcome of this relationship, so don't waste your time with "if onlys".

Keep strong in front of her as you've been doing. The level of disrespect your ex has shown to you has been quite appalling. But whatever- she'll realise this once you have moved on to something better. Healing really does begin with strict NC. So hang in there!

March 19, 2012

Thanks man.

After coming back from this trip I am scared to face her as I don't know if I'll be able to contain myself. I feel like I'm going to explode when I see her. I know it will probably do no good. I want her to know how I feel about how she has handled this situation. With me holding everything in I don't think she really knows how it has effected me. Maybe she doesn't care.

Like I said, I just hope I can hold it together. I can literally start crying at a single thought right now. It wasn't this way a couple weeks back. I felt like I was coming along very well and now I'm an emotional wreck. I feel like I'm the only one suffering from this. I just need strength and I don't know if I have any left.

Man I sound pathetic right now...

Edited March 19, 2012 by Headintheclouds

March 19, 2012

Listen buddy I can promise you that absolutely no good will come of you telling / showing her how you really feel. Right now she is in a blissful fog- her mind totally clouded with thoughts of the other man. To put it simply...SHE DOESN'T CARE!

I've been there bro. Do not let her take your dignity and your self respect. Remember you want her last image of you to be that of a strong man who seemed strangely (but attractively) indifferent, not a blubbering pathetic mess....

You're not the only one suffering. Unfortunately she did most of her grieving within the relationship. Sucks massively...but that's just the way it works. And you are not pathetic, HITC: this relapse in emotional stability is normal. Just gotta ride it out!

March 20, 2012

Your post was in good timing.

I'm home now and she just got home from work. I had small talk with her but she could tell something was off about me. I didn't say much but just rushed into the bathroom to take a shower were I am now (posting from my phone).

I was so close to letting it out man. I'm just gonna take my shower and meet my friends out like I planned to. Thank you, you gave me strength even if it is momentary.

I gotta admit, I feel a lot better beig home in NYC vs my hometown. I felt so sh**ty all week. Hope it stays this way.

March 20, 2012

So I held it together. All I said to her was that I thought it was pretty effed up that she didn't wish me a happy birthday yesterday. Not even a text. She said she just wanted to give me my space because I never responded to her last text a couple days earlier. I just said, I don't need space. I'm fine. I was just disappointed that I didn't hear anything.

She asked me how my birthday was and I said it sucked. I was honest. It did suck. Then she said "see? Would it have made it any better if I said anything" and I said yes. It wasn't an argument. I ended by saying, well you thought you had your reasons, so fair enough.

Then I grabbed my keys and said see ya later and walked out the door. I'm not decked out dressy, but I put some effort into what I'm currently wearing. It's obvious that I'm going out. And you know what? I may stay at a friends tonight. That will do 2 things... It will make it so I don't have to face her later, and I'm sure it'll make her think a bit and wonder where I am.

I'm trying to hold it together. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

March 20, 2012

Listen buddy I can promise you that absolutely no good will come of you telling / showing her how you really feel. Right now she is in a blissful fog- her mind totally clouded with thoughts of the other man. To put it simply...SHE DOESN'T CARE!

I've been there bro. Do not let her take your dignity and your self respect. Remember you want her last image of you to be that of a strong man who seemed strangely (but attractively) indifferent, not a blubbering pathetic mess....

You're not the only one suffering. Unfortunately she did most of her grieving within the relationship. Sucks massively...but that's just the way it works. And you are not pathetic, HITC: this relapse in emotional stability is normal. Just gotta ride it out!

Don,

What a wonderful person you are. And what excellent advice. HITC, you are not even close to the healing process as she is still there and you are still seeing her everyday. Only when you go NC can you begin to heal. This is a new chapter in your life and sometimes embracing changes can result in something spectacular. Be strong, we are all here for you!

March 20, 2012

I probably know the answer to this already. I've been thinking of talking to my ex's best friend. She's also a friend of mine and I'm pretty sure she would keep whatever we speak of between us. I think it may help me get by. Maybe it's a stupid idea.

I felt good last night. Then I woke up today and saw her and felt like garbage again. And on it goes...

March 20, 2012

and you're going to continue to feel this way until you get out of your current situation. THEN, when you're out of the situation, you're gonna feel worse, because now you DON'T see her everyday. But, everyday that goes by in NC is one step closer to healing and moving on. One day, you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing on your mind. That's when you know that you're healing.

Plus, you have to remember. She won't see you everyday either. I speculate that later down the road, the guilt of what she did to you is going to eat at her and she may send you an e-mail or try to text you. You need to ignore it. This is to only to ease her own guilt. NOT to make you feel any better, only her. So, ignore it.

She made the choice to have you out of her life. You give her exactly that. She texted you over the week stating that she still considers you a "friend". Well, I don't believe that you two had that discussion or you agreed to those terms. She felt that the OM was more important than you, so she has no reason to contact you. Remember that. She wanted you gone to persue her own happiness; hence, she's supposed to be happy now. No reason to contact you. Remember that.

Once she's out. Time for you to plan your revenge! LEAD A GOOD LIFE! You're in NYC, plenty of Colleges there. Go back to school. Keep your mind focused on school and not on what she's doing. Go to the gym and work out your frustrations. Buy a new wardrobe, get styling and profiling. Get a new haircut. Change your image. Get a better job, better pay. And travel!! Go see the world! Go somewhere that you've always dreamed of seeing. Save your money (might take some time, but that's okay) and just go...

March 20, 2012

Don,
What a wonderful person you are. And what excellent advice. HITC, you are not even close to the healing process as she is still there and you are still seeing her everyday. Only when you go NC can you begin to heal. This is a new chapter in your life and sometimes embracing changes can result in something spectacular. Be strong, we are all here for you!

Thanks Cali- I tell myself that each morning!

HITC I strongly advice against you reaching out to your ex's best friend, or any mutual friend for that matter. Details of any conversation WILL get back to your ex, and she'll probably interperet this as a desperate form of manipulation. I think deep down you know this.

These forums have helped me tremendously and I look forward to reading positive posts from you months down the line. Get yourself down to the gym promptly just like Chi-Town said. You have NO idea how much it helps, especially during these initial stages. Leading a good life really is the best revenge. In fact sometimes I feel like breaking NC just to show my ex how great I'm doing...but we all know how that would pan out...

Stay focused on the main prize- getting "you" back. I suspect you lost some of who you are over the last 5 years. Start loving yourself again and the rest will work out. Good luck!

March 20, 2012

Don, I am definitely doing as much as I can. I race bikes and have been training like crazy. I'm in the gym non stop and I actually have gone to yoga a few times. Ive always been in great shape, but at 36 I'm probably in the best shape of my life. I've been going out with friends a lot too.

No matter what I do, these feelings don't get better:

Did I really do everything I could (since the breakup) to let her know how strongly I felt about her?

Did I do everything at the end that I could have to make it work?

Even though I don't know how intense her relationship is with this guy, how do I stop obsessing about it? Am I making a lot of it up in my head?

How should I act in front of her? Right now I'm so short with her because I can't talk more than a few words before I want to explode.

I think deep down I know the answers to most of that. It doesn't help though because as soon as I see her my gut tells me to be a pile of mush... To let it all out. I don't know how I've held it together.

I appreciate all your input. I wouldn't have got this far without everyone on this forum. I'll keep posting, and hope you all don't get sick of me

March 20, 2012

It's great to know that you're keeping yourself so busy. I've re-read some of your previous threads and can only reaffirm what other LS posters have already told you.*

Firstly you poured your heart out to her. I can safely say that's all you could have done in this situation. It's so easy to criticise the way you behaved and treated her in the end, but HITC my friend, these actions alone did not cause the demise of the relationship. The lack of communication was the damning factor here, and as you said, she was a terrible communicator. Writing a few letters expressing her unhappiness just doesnt cut it, I'm afraid.

Its a shame that the shock of a GF wanting to end things forces most men into action. It's great that you recognise mistakes you've made, but yes- it *WAS too late to implement them. Hell- it was probably too late when she wrote you those letters 6 months ago! So quit second guessing yourself... it ain't worth the mental energy.*

At least you now have the blueprint to becoming an improved "you", which will only make your next relationship a much more fulfilling one, whether it be with this woman or someone even better. Your ex's actions SCREAM emotional immaturity to me...and she has some major growing up to do if she's ever to have a successful LTR. But I have some great news for you HITC...this ain't your problem anymore!

Don't worry about the other dude either. All his presence is doing is delaying the inevitable turmoil once she realises that she's lost you for good. So stay strong man...you know what you need to do!

March 22, 2012

So yesterday I was feeling awesome. Even after she came home I felt ok. I talked to her and although it kinda hurt, I was nice and didn't try to cut it short. When I finally went to bed my mind was racing. I kept thinking, what if she's not actually seeing someone? There have been things that she's done that make me sort of think there isn't someone there. She never fully confirmed it either.

Anyways I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop thinking about It. I just wanted to know. If there is someone I can see how she could do all this.

Anyways, I did something really stupid. I was driven to do it and I feel like an ass. Her cell phone is still on my bill so I can see who she calls/texts if I want to. There was a number there that was pretty persistent. I waited until she got in the shower and I grabbed her phone. I was going to look at her contacts to see who it was. I didn't even have to go that far. She has an iPhone, and her background picture was her and some dude with their arms around each other looking pretty happy.

I can't believe I stooped so low. I cause my own pain. It seems pretty obvious to me now. The part that gets me is that the dude looks like a tool. He's not good looking by any means. It's like she traded a Ferrari for a Honda. Anyways I can't get it out of my head now. I didn't say anything to her and I probably won't. I overstepped my bounds, but at least I think I've confirmed my suspicions.

You guys don't have to tell me how dumb it was that I did tht, but sometimes these situations drive us to do stupid things. Part of me wants to tell her I saw it just do I can tell her how ugly the guy is and run it in her face. I know looks arent everything but still.

That's anger and spite, I know it won't get me anywhere.... And on it goes.

March 22, 2012

No, you didn't do anything dumb and you had a right to know exactly why your relationship ended without having her sidestepping questions and pussyfooting around an explaination. So, you took matters into your own hands and found out the truth for yourself because she doesn't have the balls to be honest.

Actually, you feel like hell now, but this could help you in the healing process down the road. Give you some sense of closure that she, in fact, threw away a good and viable relationship because she cheated. NOT because of anything that you did. I mean, yeah. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the relationship and she the other 50%. But she's the coward that cheated, NOT YOU. You can hold your head up high now KNOWING that you stuck to your morals and you KNOW that YOU would have never treated anyone sooo poorly.

March 22, 2012

I do feel pretty crappy but it's more in the fact that I've seen his face. I already pretty much knew something was going on anyways. I don't know if I can call it cheating. I really don't think anything happened while we were actually together. It did start right away after we broke up though.

I dunno... I feel like I've dug into things since we split. There have been so many instances where I've come to terms with something and felt horrible, but I cried it out and/or just pushed through it.... The initial breakup, reading all her love letters/cards/etc, having to lose my cat, having to go back to our hometown, the nights she stayed out all night... I've had so many waves. Everything I dig through, I eventually feel better. I think I'm doing the right thing, and I the end, that's all I want to know. I just hope that I can keep the fact that I saw that photo to myself. I haven't said anything to her, but I want to even though I know it won't do any good.

March 22, 2012

I do feel pretty crappy but it's more in the fact that I've seen his face. I already pretty much knew something was going on anyways. I don't know if I can call it cheating. I really don't think anything happened while we were actually together. It did start right away after we broke up though.

I dunno... I feel like I've dug into things since we split. There have been so many instances where I've come to terms with something and felt horrible, but I cried it out and/or just pushed through it.... The initial breakup, reading all her love letters/cards/etc, having to lose my cat, having to go back to our hometown, the nights she stayed out all night... I've had so many waves. Everything I dig through, I eventually feel better. I think I'm doing the right thing, and I the end, that's all I want to know. I just hope that I can keep the fact that I saw that photo to myself. I haven't said anything to her, but I want to even though I know it won't do any good.

Normally, if there's an end to the relationship and there's no third party involvement (meaning that the relationship just ran it's course) then there's a peroid where both parties will mourn the loss of the relationship. She didn't do this. She skipped happily into another relationship. This tells me that something was going on prior to the break up. Whether it was an EA or a PA or both, I couldn't tell ya. But, the point is, she wasn't honest with you at all.

And you're right, approaching her about the photo won't do a damn thing except get you a "I'm sorry you had to see that." She's trying to hide her relationship from you and rather poorly. Let her keep believing that she's doing a great job. Because you don't want her to say screw it, it's already out there, why try to hide it.

March 22, 2012

When I first saw the photo I thought about taking a picture of my middle finger and replacing the photo...not gonna lie:)

But you are right. There was no mourning on her part. I'm pretty sure there was an EA before it ended. She was detatched for awhile. The week prior to the break she was SUPER detatched and I know she was hanging out with other people a lot. She takes capoeira (Brazilian martial art). She started hanging out with people from her group. The photo I saw today, the guy is from that group. They had their uniforms on etc. Basically it is exactly what I thought from the start.

The thing I keep thinking is this... She's a very different girl. We had so much in common over the years. Music, art, the scenes we came from back in the day, friends, our families were from the same place, humor, I could go on and on. Her tastes are very particular as are mine and we clicked harder than most couples ever will. Knowing her as well as I do, I can't see her clickIng with someone else as she did with me. I not saying this just because I'm losing her. Other friends have said the same thing. Our lifestyles were on in the same. She may share capoeira with this guy, but we'll see how far that goes.

There is definitely a part of me that wants her to be happy but I haven't come to be able to make that my main wish. The other part of me wishes that it crashes and burns and she realizes what she really threw away. I don't want to cling to false hope, but it's hard not to think about it knowing how bad (I think) she's messing up.

March 22, 2012

When I first saw the photo I thought about taking a picture of my middle finger and replacing the photo...not gonna lie:)

LMAO!!!!! I would have paid money to see the look on her face if you did that!

Just keep yourself busy and you only have a few more days of torture left before you can close the book on this nightmare. GO COMPLETE NC!!! If she want the "Brazilian Lord of the Dance" dude. Then let her have him. Hell, you're in NYC!!! TONS of girls there!!!

Work on yourself move forward.

March 23, 2012

Lol@ Brazilian lord of the dance!

Funny you said that about there being so many girls in nyc. I met this really awesome girl while I was workig yesterday. It was completely random and we hit it off immediately. The way it went down was really crazy. She is amazingly hot too. Something in me had to have her. I've never picked up a girl while I was at work before. Truth is, I think she picked me up more than I did her.

Anyways, she waited for me to get out of work and we went out for dinner and drinks, followed by some more drinks. When I was walking her home she pinned me against a wall and practically raped me. I hug out at her place for a bit. Nothing serious happened but I definitely think we'll be hanging out again soon.

I'm not rushing into things by any means. Honestly, this is the best I've felt since the breakup. I got home last night, saw my ex and didnt think a thing of it. Shes hotter than my ex too

March 23, 2012

Lol@ Brazilian lord of the dance!

Funny you said that about there being so many girls in nyc. I met this really awesome girl while I was workig yesterday. It was completely random and we hit it off immediately. The way it went down was really crazy. She is amazingly hot too. Something in me had to have her. I've never picked up a girl while I was at work before. Truth is, I think she picked me up more than I did her.

Anyways, she waited for me to get out of work and we went out for dinner and drinks, followed by some more drinks. When I was walking her home she pinned me against a wall and practically raped me. I hug out at her place for a bit. Nothing serious happened but I definitely think we'll be hanging out again soon.

I'm not rushing into things by any means. Honestly, this is the best I've felt since the breakup. I got home last night, saw my ex and didnt think a thing of it. Shes hotter than my ex too

That is awesome! But, be careful and be honest with her. I'm sure you told her that you're coming out of a relationship, if you didn't, then I would strongly encourage you to do so. Be completely honest and say that you enjoy her company and would like to spend time with her, but you want to take it slow. I think she'll respect your honesty. And then, HAVE FUN!!! Explore the city together! Take her to an off-broadway show! Go to the Zoo. Look on line for dinner parties in New York (they're TECHNICALLY illegal, but they're a lot of fun if you get into one and the food is usually incredible!) Even though in New York you can throw a stone and hit a club in any direction, I would stay away from those. Be different and find other things other than clubbing it. Shows you've put some thought into where to take her. Horse-drawn Carriage ride threw Central Park! Shopping in Times Square.

New York has some of the best Museum's in the World! (but Chicago has the best pizza!) Go see them! Score tickets and take her to either the Mets or the Yankee's home opener!

It gets you out of that Apartment, out of your funk and spending time with a really cool and hot chick!

Edited March 23, 2012 by Chi townD

March 23, 2012

The topic came up about living situations last night and I was honest with her. So yes, I told her that I was just coming off of a LTR. I don't think there was any way that I wouldn't have told her at least to some extent. As I said I definitely am not rushing into things. I really don't know where it will take me, but for the time being it is what I need.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again. I will put some thoughts into good places to go. There is so much here. I used to go places with my ex all the time, but in my newly single state I am looking for new Places. You never run out of things to do here. I bet it's the same in Chicago. I've always wanted to go there but I still haven't yet!

8 more days... I still have a lot to sort out with packing/moving etc. I'm almost there.

March 23, 2012

The topic came up about living situations last night and I was honest with her. So yes, I told her that I was just coming off of a LTR. I don't think there was any way that I wouldn't have told her at least to some extent. As I said I definitely am not rushing into things. I really don't know where it will take me, but for the time being it is what I need.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again. I will put some thoughts into good places to go. There is so much here. I used to go places with my ex all the time, but in my newly single state I am looking for new Places. You never run out of things to do here. I bet it's the same in Chicago. I've always wanted to go there but I still haven't yet!

8 more days... I still have a lot to sort out with packing/moving etc. I'm almost there.

You know what? Go into it with only one expectation. HAVING FUN!! Nothing more and nothing less. I don't think she would be disagreeable with that. If something more happens, then great. If it doesn't pan out then at least you got to explore the city with someone new. New York isn't as great as Chicago, but I'm sure you'll make due!

March 24, 2012

This happened last night...

So I have a big (bike) race today and I have the day off. I know my ex has the day off too so I asked her if/when she was gonna be around. Kelly (the new girl) mentioned coming to the race and possibly meeting me at my apartment.

When I asked my ex, will you be here later? She said why? I said, I just need to know. She asked why is it so important? I said because I have my race tonight and I was possibly gonna have someone meet me here. She says, who? A girl? And I said yes.

She played it off and acted like it didn't phase her. Then he grabbed her phone and said I'll be right back and went outside and was talking to someone for about 10 mins.

I told her a little later that I wasn't having her come over so we could hang out. I just was gonna have her meet me here because it was convenient so my friend could pick us both up and drive to the race.

Then I said don't worry about it, its not a big deal. I can meet her somewhere else.

Anyways, I don't what to think but like I said it didn't seem to be phasing my ex at all. That wasn't the end goal. I was honestly just checking to make sure she wouldn't be here. I wasn't even planning on telling her about the new girl.

Anyways, this morning the ex and I were home alone for awhile packing etc. It was civil, and friendly. It still hurts though no matter what. Maybe we are on even playing fields right now.

March 26, 2012

It's been a few days. I've been hanging out with the new girl I met. I have a lot of fun with her. I think we are both a bit nervous. I mean, this is the first girl I've dated in 5 years. We spent the whole day together yesterday. I can't remember te last time I packed so much into a day.

On the other side of things, I got home after my ex last night around 1am. I had slept at the apartment the night before and she didn't come home that night. I know I shouldn't let that get to me anymore, especially that it's this far along now. She must have known when she saw me last night that I was out with the other girl.

It doesn't seem to phase her. That's not my intentions here but I guess I would have thought she would show a little emotion towards it. I feel like her and I are so far gone now. It makes me sad. I still look ather as want her so bad. I am comparing the new girl to her and I need to stop. I've already told the new girl that I just want to take things slow and have fun. That's exactly what we are doing. It's awesome, but when I see my ex I still feel so deeply for her.

March 26, 2012

You are feeling your emotional gap unhealthly HITC. You haven't grieved your last relationship. You haven't even started too. You are going about this all the wrong way...

I have to agree with Flourescent. I think it might be a good idea to spend a couple months alone healing and grieving and finding out your own identity before starting ANYTHING with anyone else.... Just my opinion.

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Still living with the ex, the emotion rushes back...

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