Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 What does it mean I recently found out my exbf has got married And has been asking my friends how I am? what I'm doing? If I know his married? Wished we were still friends? He made sure his wife wasn't around when he asked about me. He told my friend that his only known his wife for four months before he married her. If you're happy why is he so concerned about me when we spilt up twelve yrs ago cause he cheated on me. He kept on trying to get back with me. But I rejected him three times. Pls can someone help me? I'm puzzled as I've never asked about him. Why now?
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Goyte I don't understand what your saying about him
Warrior Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Goyte I don't understand what your saying about him Why do you want to know these stuff? Do you still love him?
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Because I thought his happy as his got what he wanted. I'm his past and i dont feel its healthy to be asking about me. No I don't love him. I'm happy with my life. His never crossed my mind till now. That's why I am asking.
blotter Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Why do you care though? It has no bearing on your life. It sounds like your ex has a lot of issues, do you want to help him with them?
Warrior Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 No I don't love him. I'm happy with my life. Problem solved Emmii Better dont start dig the past you might end up hurting someone or even yourself. You are happy now.
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 You're very right. I suppose I was taken by surprise at his actions and it was playing on my mind. I'm happy and I made my choice. You're right to I don't wanna to hurt anyone as I believe in karma. Thanks warrior
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Blotter your right his got issues which he brought on himself! They are not my problem. I don't want it effecting my life! He gave me hell for 5 yrs. prank calls. Driving up and down my rd. telling my friends that I'm harassing him. I'm happy now and I really don't want him messing things up for me. It's been playing on my mind that's all. Maybe it's karma has come and bite him on the bum?
nature Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Sounds like he still has strong feelings for you. I can totally see why you are curious as to why he is asking about you, and i"m sure everyone on this board would be the same. You are curious. You want to try to understand it. Who wouldn't be curious if the same situation happened to them. So he cheated on you 12 years ago? Were you together a long time before he cheated? Were you hurt badly and devestated? Did he know this? He may have long standing guilt which has kept him from getting over you. Have you ever gotten back together or fooled around? Been friends? Spoken at all? Or have you been NC for 12 years. Sounds like he has very unresolved feelings for you.
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Nature we were together for 5 yrs. I was totally heart broken. It's taken me yrs to trust again. I saw him 4 yrs ago and I got the closure I wanted on why he cheated on me. He told me why cuz he was jealous of my male friends and felt insecure. When i saw him last He would send me loved up texts everyday. I'd bumped into him a few times on a night out where he would tell all my friends he made a mistake and that he still loves me and wants to try again. When we sat and spoke about trying again I told him that as much as I care for him and have a soft spot for him I cannot try again as I would not be able to trust him ever. We are better off as friends. But he still didn't get the msg. He continued trying to work his charm. I stopped answering his calls and texts. He finally left me alone till now.
Kamila Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 He wants you to know that he's married ? What the ... ? What is this ? Some kind of game on his part ? You kept on rejecting him and it seems like he's waiting for you to react for his marriage. Maybe he expected you to care or to show some regret feelings. Of course, you're a smart person and are well ahead of him and his weird actions. Like you said, if he's happy, he shouldn't be concerned about what you think. I can't believe this guy, even after he's married, he's still asking about you ...he really got some unresolved issues...
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Kamila that's why I ask this. Is it me or what? If you're content with what you've got then should you really ask. It was a girl he chose. What's it to him whatever i do? What kinda of game can he play? I'm genuinely happy for him. I don't understand why his still behaving like this. He's the one who screwed up. Why cause me grief? His gotta let it go before he loses what his got.
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Kamila that's why I ask this. Is it me or what? If you're content with what you've got then should you really ask. It was a girl he chose. What's it to him whatever i do? What kinda of game can he play? I'm genuinely happy for him. I don't understand why his still behaving like this. He's the one who screwed up. Why cause me grief? His gotta let it go before he loses what his got. My exgirlfriend did nearly the same thing. On the very same day she accepted a marriage proposal and got enagaged, she was asking my friends about me and visited my website a few times. All on Valentine's Day, of all days. It's been a year since she left me, and 9 months since we've spoken. It makes absolutely NO sense to me. As much as I've progrossed and healed, in my case, it really effected me. Tore the wound open all over again. My only outward reaction was to block her IP address on my webserver and lock down my business page on Facebook-- which she was also visiting. It's been pretty frustrating-- I didn't want to have to restort to that kind of action. I just want to be left alone. I honestly have no idea what prompts her to check up on me in the first place, let alone within mere hours of accepting another guy's enactment ring. I probably have many of the same questions you do, because I honestly have ZERO idea what to make of it. Edited March 18, 2012 by rootless 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 12 years later and he is thinking of you; that's a big thing. But, may I ask, have you had any contact in that duration? if so, was it he who kept initiating? He could be laying his tracks in case this fly by night romance with his fiancee doesn't work out. Where is the fire with this dude? Is he one of those guys that will die unless someone is with him at all times? It's nice that he's thinking of you, but, probably for all the wrong reasons.
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Rootless I have no Facebook account. The only way he can get through to me is through a mutual friend. I've made sure I've kept my distance from her too as I don't want any trouble just because his just realised that it's not what he really wants doesn't mean he can cause problems in my life. People do the strangest things when they can't cope with a loss which they caused in the first place and we've had to pay a heavy price for. Maybe it's karma. I did say to him I hope and pray you never know what it's like to get your heart broken cuz when you do you'll remember what I said about the pain!
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 My exgirlfriend did nearly the same thing. On the very same day she accepted a marriage proposal and got enagaged, she was asking my friends about me and visited my website a few times. All on Valentine's Day, of all days. It's been a year since she left me, and 9 months since we've spoken. It makes absolutely NO sense to me. As much as I've progrossed and healed, in my case, it really effected me. Tore the wound open all over again. My only outward reaction was to block her IP address on my webserver and lock down my business page on Facebook-- which she was also visiting. It's been pretty frustrating-- I didn't want to have to restort to that kind of action. I just want to be left alone. I honestly have no idea what prompts her to check up on me in the first place, let alone within mere hours of accepting another guy's enactment ring. I probably have many of the same questions you do, because I honestly have ZERO idea what to make of it. Hey there, Rootless:) My vibe is that that when our ex's mention us, they are hoping to hear that we are pining away for them, crying over the side of the bed with an 8 x10 glossy of them and singing "Red Sails in the Sunset". I have learned to say nothing that will let him find out I am hurting---why give him ego boost. They are putting their feelers out and I doubt it is out of genuine concern.
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Rootless I have no Facebook account. The only way he can get through to me is through a mutual friend. I've made sure I've kept my distance from her too as I don't want any trouble just because his just realised that it's not what he really wants doesn't mean he can cause problems in my life. People do the strangest things when they can't cope with a loss which they caused in the first place and we've had to pay a heavy price for. Maybe it's karma. I did say to him I hope and pray you never know what it's like to get your heart broken cuz when you do you'll remember what I said about the pain! Well, I removed her from my personal FB account long ago, but with business pages, their privacy/blocking policies are entirely different. I felt incredibly petty and kind of stupid taking those steps, but if it's still bothering me now, I figured my sanity was worth it. In my situation, I weirdly have a lot of empathy and compassion towards the man she's gotten engaged to. I really worry that she's going to chew him up in the same fashion she hurt me. ... And virtually every other guy she's dated. (this will be her second marriage.. The first one imploded after a year). It just seems so disrespectful to everyone involved. It's inconsiderate of my feelings. It can't be conducive to her moving on, either. And her fiancé wouldn't be happy about it either, I'm sure. I know I'd be devastated if I learned that my fiancé was skulking around her ex within hours of me asking her to marry me. It's just such weird behavior.
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Bewitchedandbothered his married. His been married for 6 months. He contacted me 4 years ago. I got the closure I wanted about why he cheated on me but for him it was to try and again. We kept on bumping into each other and he would tell all my friends that he still loves and that he made a mistake and asked them to talk to me. But I was adamant that it would never work as he cheated on me and I don't trust him. His very much someone who has to have someone by his side.
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 What I did was to tell my friend to say congratulations on his marriage and where was my invite?? And a slice of the wedding cake! That I wish him the best!
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Hey there, Rootless:) My vibe is that that when our ex's mention us, they are hoping to hear that we are pining away for them, crying over the side of the bed with an 8 x10 glossy of them and singing "Red Sails in the Sunset". I have learned to say nothing that will let him find out I am hurting---why give him ego boost. They are putting their feelers out and I doubt it is out of genuine concern. I haven't approached her, or reacted to anything she's done-- and there's been an infrequent, but steady stream of attempts on her behalf -- in 9 months. The only substantial contact I've had with her, at all, was last May, after she sent me an apology email... Which was a whole other kettle of fish. I try really hard not to let it get to me, but it does. I don't ever respond to her, but it upsets me nonetheless.
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 What I did was to tell my friend to say congratulations on his marriage and where was my invite?? And a slice of the wedding cake! That I wish him the best! Part of me would like to do the same thing-- but I've resigned myself to the idea that any contact with her, even something like that, would be a bad decision for me. I'm frightened it would be transparent and disengeous anyway-- because although I *do* want her to be happy, I'm fairly convinced their engagement, or marriage (if they get that far) has a good chance of failing. And I don't want to even *imply* that I might be a good shoulder to cry on if and when that happens. 1
Author Emmii Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Rootless it's understandable how you feel cuz I did feel like that too but given time I felt so much happier now. It's still pretty fresh and the fact that she's continued to check up on you doesn't help. You're a strong person and you must remember that. You can only allow her to hurt you if you show any emotions. Yes I couldn't understand how someone you spent 5 years with could throw that all away. Believe me there's someone better around the corner who will treat you right. As to our ex's I actually think its a case of the tables have turned and now they are pinning for us.
gibson Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Hahahahaha! This happens more often than you know. These are the same idiots that think infatuation = love, love chasing rainbows, butterflies and the myth of "the one". You are the "measuring stick" by which all others are "measured" and "judged" but they don't get their hair blown back with you like they do with the new person due to the "honeymoon phase". It's a scream for help (for themselves) to not make a mistake and get married to someone they already know they are going to divorce because they are infatuated. Most people I spoke that were divorced it was not due to sex, money and communication. It was because of G.I.G.S., they thought the settled, they thought they were suppose to get married (next item on the list after college), they myth of "the one", thought infatuation was love. Once the "honeymoon phase" is over in this marriage, the real work begins. This is when these emotional retards start to wonder / end the relationship and marriage because they think they made a mistake and choose the wrong "one". It shouldn't be this hard, after all. Then they wash, rinse and repeat many "ones" until they figure out what love really is or they have no options left. Don't believe me... Go spend time in the Divorce Forum (usually from the dumpee point of view) or the Marriage forum (this is where you see all the soon to be dumpers complaining about their spouse not being "the one", "honeymoon is over", settling or G.I.G.S. aka "didn't have a chance to sot their wild oats.")
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Hahahahaha! This happens more often than you know. These are the same idiots that think infatuation = love, love chasing rainbows, butterflies and the myth of "the one". You are the "measuring stick" by which all others are "measured" and "judged" but they don't get their hair blown back with you like they do with the new person due to the "honeymoon phase". It's a scream for help (for themselves) to not make a mistake and get married to someone they already know they are going to divorce because they are infatuated. Most people I spoke that were divorced it was not due to sex, money and communication. It was because of G.I.G.S., they thought the settled, they thought they were suppose to get married (next item on the list after college), they myth of "the one", thought infatuation was love. Once the "honeymoon phase" is over in this marriage, the real work begins. This is when these emotional retards start to wonder / end the relationship and marriage because they think they made a mistake and choose the wrong "one". It shouldn't be this hard, after all. Then they wash, rinse and repeat many "ones" until they figure out what love really is or they have no options left. Don't believe me... Go spend time in the Divorce Forum (usually from the dumpee point of view) or the Marriage forum (this is where you see all the soon to be dumpers complaining about their spouse not being "the one", "honeymoon is over", settling or G.I.G.S. aka "didn't have a chance to sot their wild oats.") This is EXACTLY why I don't contact her. I found out the hard way that she's one of those people who confuses newness and lust for love. And similarly confuses comfortability and commitment for apathy and disinterest. Unless she's in the "discovery" phase of the relationship, where everything is exciting and fresh, she bails. As soon as things cool off and the reality of true intimacy and partnership kicks in, she freaks out and rabbits. And as much it breaks my heart to say so-- and it genuinely does; I love this woman -- I don't think it's going to be any different with this new guy. Particularly since it's so soon after her and I's relationship. (2 years... And we had talked about marriage and kids extensively) I honestly feel incredibly sad for her, because I'm afraid she'll never be able to sustain a deep, lasting relationship. And as hurt as I am, that's what I want for her.
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