Is it Important to Have Anger to Your Ex?

[gotye]

I don't think I can hate someone for honestly doing what he believed was right even if I disagreed.

 

i don't want him in my life yet I miss him, but I can never hate him

[Dragonsden]

It can be a good thing initially but you dont want to hold on to it for too long if you really want to move on.

[rootless]

I don't think I can hate someone for honestly doing what he believed was right even if I disagreed.

 

i don't want him in my life yet I miss him, but I can never hate him

 

I don't think it's always necessary and a given to be angry.

And I definitely don't think it's an absolute necessity to hate.

In fact, I think hate is a pretty useless emotion in general-- it tends to damage the vessel it's carried in more than the object of hate.

 

But if you *are* angry, then go ahead and be angry.

Let 'er rip!

It's unhealthy to supress that.

 

In my experience, anger is usually just pain, channeled aggressively.

And for some, that's a more useful, productive emotion for them.

Sometimes, anger feels more manageable and empowering than sadness, because it's more more visceral and kinetic. They can attach it to an action, like working out, or running, or hitting a punching bag. There's a release there, that maybe they don't find in crying, or mourning.

 

Personally, I feel more disappointment than anything else.

I just feel fundamentally let-down.

But yeah, there's some anger there, too.

 

I don't loathe my ex, or wish her harm, but I'm *profoundly* disappointed in how she chose to end things, and I am angry at her for those times she's been disrespectful or inconsiderate since.

 

I think it all boils down to what you chose to do with that sadness, or anger.

 

If you focus it solely on your ex, and bygone actions you can't change, then I think it's really detrimental and self-destructive.

 

But if you harness it and use it for real growth, or introspection, of improvement, I think it's awesome.

 

As long as you learn something, and you use it to benefit yourself, those who stuck by your side, and those who you might love in the future, you should be very proud of that.

[carhill]

Anger generally is an emotional response to words/actions which impel hurt.

 

Generally, people who have loving and synergistic relationships perpetuate those, as they are satisfying and positive experiences. If someone becomes an 'ex', love and synergy has changed sufficiently to break the bond. In many circumstances, hurt is involved so anger can be completely appropriate.

 

I can see one not feeling anger nor hurt if one didn't have the investment of love and care in the relationship. These dynamics exist. I call them 'relationships of convenience', which exist on a purely pragmatic level. This pragmatism can be bi-lateral or uni-lateral. The latter is where someone is more likely to be hurt and angry; specifically the person who did not have the pragmatic style of relating/investing in the relationship. For their partner, it was a mathematical equation which worked while it did, then didn't and they moved on to a more efficient equation.

 

Part of healing from a relationship breakdown/ending is processing the hurt and anger to a neutral state of acceptance. This takes time, which is generally why many people take time alone after a major relationship ending. Obviously some don't. People have different styles of relating and compatibility of those styles is IMO important to synergistic relations.

 

It sounds like the OP accepts the ending; where that comes from psychologically for them is hard to discern on an anonymous internet forum. Give it a year and revisit the perspective to see how things match up. Good luck

[gotye]

I don't think it's always necessary and a given to be angry.

And I definitely don't think it's an absolute necessity to hate.

In fact, I think hate is a pretty useless emotion in general-- it tends to damage the vessel it's carried in more than the object of hate.

 

But if you *are* angry, then go ahead and be angry.

Let 'er rip!

It's unhealthy to supress that.

 

In my experience, anger is usually just pain, channeled aggressively.

And for some, that's a more useful, productive emotion for them.

Sometimes, anger feels more manageable and empowering than sadness, because it's more more visceral and kinetic. They can attach it to an action, like working out, or running, or hitting a punching bag. There's a release there, that maybe they don't find in crying, or mourning.

 

Personally, I feel more disappointment than anything else.

I just feel fundamentally let-down.

But yeah, there's some anger there, too.

 

I don't loathe my ex, or wish her harm, but I'm *profoundly* disappointed in how she chose to end things, and I am angry at her for those times she's been disrespectful or inconsiderate since.

 

I think it all boils down to what you chose to do with that sadness, or anger.

 

If you focus it solely on your ex, and bygone actions you can't change, then I think it's really detrimental and self-destructive.

 

But if you harness it and use it for real growth, or introspection, of improvement, I think it's awesome.

 

As long as you learn something, and you use it to benefit yourself, those who stuck by your side, and those who you might love in the future, you should be very proud of that.

 

I am using this as a chance to prove I am strong... I still want to make things work with ex and they miiiight but am not going to bet on it...

 

all I can do is try to improve the things I did wrong. One was not letting go problems and crying too much over things. So when my ex contacts me again I can proudly say; one thing I am glad I learned from you is to move on and don't dwell and that makes me glad enough even if we will never be together again

[Feelin Frisky]

I think it's important NOT to have anger. But people can end amicably or one can do a really crappy job of it--even say things that don't need to be said that leave lasting hurt and choose lousy and selfish times to walk out, instead of approaching the other like an adult and facing the potential drama of saying what needs to be said. That's childish and disgraceful and leaves a stink that sullies the memory of one once held in such high regard.

[rootless]

I think it's important NOT to have anger. But people can end amicably or one can do a really crappy job of it--even say things that don't need to be said that leave lasting hurt and choose lousy and selfish times to walk out, instead of approaching the other like an adult and facing the potential drama of saying what needs to be said. That's childish and disgraceful and leaves a stink that sullies the memory of one once held in such high regard.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with you.

 

If you have anger, and you supress it, it doesn't magically vanish.

It calcifies into long-term resentment.

 

I'm not suggesting anyone express that anger by yelling at their ex, or picking fights, or calling names. That stuff is usually pretty counter-productive.

 

But to deny anger altogether is a mistake, in my opinion.

It's not good to discount your feelings, particularly if you have a valid reason for being angry.

 

Yes, I think that ideally, we should all be adult and composed enough to talk through our issues and face the hard truths.

But if you're mad as hell, and you don't say you're mad as hell, that's just dishonest, to yourself and your ex.

 

My suggestion -- and it's just a suggestion -- was to try and route that anger into something positive. Something beneficial.

 

And if you're not angry-- even better.

Then you can circumvent all the teeth-gnashing and just focus on getting past the loss, and making your life better.

 

Either way-- I don't think it's a good idea to dismiss your own feelings.

[melenkurion]

I have to agree with Rootless, I think what was said there is very good indeed.

 

After my breakup, I attended counselling to deal with the aftermath. I still do, although I only attend once a month now. Anyway, pretty much the biggest lesson I have learned from the whole thing has been that anger is OK.

 

I come from a family background where it simply wasn't OK to express "messy" emotions. It was done for the best of reasons, but number one rule in my family was that anger most definitely wasn't acceptable. I can see why they thought it was best that way, to people of my parents generation that would feel the right thing to do. But, the end result is that I reached adulthood having a great deal of trouble dealing with stuff when I got angry.

 

Of course I still did get angry, but I had learned so well to repress it, to appear calm and unruffled. The strain of maintaining this illusion was taking a heavy toll, at times. I pretty much expected the world to end if I ever expressed anger. I was so scared of expressing anger that when my partner did stuff that made me feel angry/hurt, I just buried it. No wonder he carried on doing it, the message this sent him was that it was A-OK.

 

My counsellor helped me realise that anger isn't the dangerous out-of-control emotion I think it is, if I learn how to deal with it and express it properly. The world needs some righteous angry people to passionately feel the sting of injustice, to right wrongs. Anger can serve as an impetus to change something that isn't acceptable, and as such can be harnessed for a purpose. She went to some trouble to help me try and distinguish "rage" (a pointless, violent, purposeless emotion) from "anger".

 

Having said all that, in your situation, it is perfectly possible that you might be able to not feel any anger. It depends on whether or not there was any shady behaviour going on, such as lying, cheating, gaslighting. If what has happened is a simple realisation that things weren't working, and it ended with respect and compassion on both sides, then it can end without a need for anger.