befreckled Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I've known for awhile that the bf and I are in different places, mentally. I'm ready to throw everything I have and jump into a new life. Him, not so much. We decide that it'd be a good idea for us to both move back to his city in a year's time. I looked up schools and decided to quit my job,make a mid career change and do my Masters which does not happen until early next year. Of course, I am not moving to a new country solely for him but he is the catalyst, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Over Christmas, we decided that the only way for it to work is if we were in the same country together. Perhaps, I've always been with boyfriends that have loved me more than I loved them, all this feels so new. I shopped around the idea of me going over for a couple weeks to hang out with him because we won't be seeing each other till at least June and we met over New Years. The ticket is quite costly and given that I'm throwing my savings into doing my Masters and I've resigned (I resigned because work was toxic and I'm looking for a new job), I half expected him to jump at offering to pay for my ticket or at least part of it because, well I am going to see him and it is for "US" He didn't offer and instead said, well the ticket is expensive but you have free lodging! Zzzzz. I've asked him straight up before if this relationship is important and if he wants us to work and he answered yes to both without hesitation. I'm sure I'll survive the 3 months but it sort of sucks that he didn't offer. I've realised that he is about 3-6 months slower than me in terms of where we are which means to say that by the end of the year. He'll be as much into me as I was into him in March. Would you be ok with that?
folieadeux Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I think in a new relationship, it's quite normal for both parties to be on different pages because things are so new. If I remember correctly, you've been with him for going over a year now. You both, in my opinion anyway, should know where you'd like things to be by now. You can't be LD forever and you're obviously very ready to do whatever it takes to make things work. I'm not saying that he's not, but he has shown (from reading some of your previous posts) that he's just not there yet. Saying he is and actually doing what it takes to make things work are two very different things and I wouldn't be okay with that. That may be something that won't make or break the relationship for you, but I personally would struggle with that. LDRs are hard enough as is...both people really have to make an equal effort. With all the major life changes and sacrifices you are making to give this relationship a shot, it would bother me a great deal that he wouldn't even offer to help out with the ticket. It's not about the money, but the bigger picture of you not being able to see each other for a very long time without it.
pettie Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I guess it just depends. In my case, I wouldn't ever think of asking him to pay for my tickets; but then, I've always been that way with even smaller things in regular relationships. IMO, it happens that sometimes it's not that they are not in the same page with you, but more like they are, but are not as thoughtful as a woman would be. In other words, perhaps he didn't offer because he just didn't think about it until you mentioned it - and it was too late already. As you said clearly, it's *you* who has decided to make the move so it's *you* who should be the one considering all the necesary arrangements. You would have done so without him, anyway. It's only bothering you because you had been expecting him to offer. This particular thing, for me personally, is not something that would bother me. What would indeed bother me is the fact that I am ready to make a major change in my professional/personal life triggered by someone who I don't perceive to be in the same wavelength with me. This could backfire in the long run.
Author befreckled Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 You can't be LD forever and you're obviously very ready to do whatever it takes to make things work. I'm not saying that he's not, but he has shown (from reading some of your previous posts) that he's just not there yet. Saying he is and actually doing what it takes to make things work are two very different things and I wouldn't be okay with that. That may be something that won't make or break the relationship for you, but I personally would struggle with that. LDRs are hard enough as is...both people really have to make an equal effort. With all the major life changes and sacrifices you are making to give this relationship a shot, it would bother me a great deal that he wouldn't even offer to help out with the ticket. It's not about the money, but the bigger picture of you not being able to see each other for a very long time without it It bothers me that we are in different places but I don't want to be the girlfriend that dishes out ultimatums. We had a discussion in Jan and we decided together that we'd end the distance within the year via various means - 1. he moves back so he is closer to me via flight - 7hours as opposed to 26hours, 2. I get a job in his city which I've been trying to no avail, him moving to my city is out of the question due to the nature of what he does. Recently, a business plan had come up where it meant that I had to stay put for at least 2 years and when I told him about it, he felt that it was too long which confirms that we want to end the distance in a year's time so perhaps in his mind - we'll be together in the next 3 months anyway. If it was only about me - I wouldn't hesitate to bug him to be on the same page but he is in the midst of searching for a job so he can move back as well which is quite staggering for his career cos he is in academia and well, positions don't come up until someone dies or had a mental breakdown. The thing is when we are in person, we are on the same page and everything is ok. The distance is a pain in the behind. Grrr.
folieadeux Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 It bothers me that we are in different places but I don't want to be the girlfriend that dishes out ultimatums. We had a discussion in Jan and we decided together that we'd end the distance within the year via various means - 1. he moves back so he is closer to me via flight - 7hours as opposed to 26hours, 2. I get a job in his city which I've been trying to no avail, him moving to my city is out of the question due to the nature of what he does. Recently, a business plan had come up where it meant that I had to stay put for at least 2 years and when I told him about it, he felt that it was too long which confirms that we want to end the distance in a year's time so perhaps in his mind - we'll be together in the next 3 months anyway. If it was only about me - I wouldn't hesitate to bug him to be on the same page but he is in the midst of searching for a job so he can move back as well which is quite staggering for his career cos he is in academia and well, positions don't come up until someone dies or had a mental breakdown. The thing is when we are in person, we are on the same page and everything is ok. The distance is a pain in the behind. Grrr. The distance is a pain to say the very least! I think it turns us into people we don't recognize at times. It's definitely a good sign that you at least have the same end date in sight. The hard part is figuring out everything else that needs to get done to make that happen. To me, the issue was never about the money. You obviously don't mind him being a bit "behind" in the relationship so it works for the pair of you. My issue is just that, because he didn't offer to help with the cost of the ticket, it means that you won't get to see each other for a VERY long time. I'd jump at the chance to see my SO and I know you would do the same. Maybe we're reading too much into to, but I hope once the months pass by the distance will start to drive him crazy enough that he'll bring it up again and you can see each other sooner.
Author befreckled Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 The distance is a pain to say the very least! I think it turns us into people we don't recognize at times I definitely agree! I decided today to have an honest conversation with him because 6 months is a very long time to be apart regardless and I told him that the ticket was expensive and I have time on my side and it just seemed that he did not mind the half year wait and he suggested paying for part of my ticket. I had to make it very obvious so perhaps he is just ignorance and I expect him to mind read me. We've found a happy medium - he has miles that I can use and I can pay for the excess which is only a couple of hundred dollars. Much more affordable! We'll see how things go moving forward. 1
folieadeux Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I definitely agree! I decided today to have an honest conversation with him because 6 months is a very long time to be apart regardless and I told him that the ticket was expensive and I have time on my side and it just seemed that he did not mind the half year wait and he suggested paying for part of my ticket. I had to make it very obvious so perhaps he is just ignorance and I expect him to mind read me. We've found a happy medium - he has miles that I can use and I can pay for the excess which is only a couple of hundred dollars. Much more affordable! We'll see how things go moving forward. SOOOO glad he came around! Six months is a really long time to wait; especially if there are ways to shorten it a bit. Sounds like he just needed a gentle nudge in the right direction.
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