How to come to terms with being single?

[Shaylee357]

Most of you will read my story and tell me "you are young, you will find someone else." But I need to vent it out, so here goes;

 

I am 17, and pretty much all my life I have suffered with social anxiety although it worsened by far when I turned a teenager and had to go to high school. I have seen somebody about it and all they did was write me off with Prozac, which my family refused to let me take and talked me out of taking it because of the side effects. Anyway, more about my love life. While all the girls around me went on dates with guys and had these relationships which weren't serious, I never had any male attention what so ever. I hid away on an online computer game and after a few years of playing I actually met my first ''boyfriend'', so after 8months of talking we met up (he didn't live to far from me) turned out he had lied about himself on pictures and I was in complete shock. I didn't know what to think and he was staying with me at my parents place for a couple of nights so I just got on with it. The days spent together were great and we had a pretty good time, so I just forgave him for the picture thing. I found out not long after he was also seeing another girl from the game as well and was also meeting up with her, I was hurt and I stopped talking to him - I met this other guy and spent a lot of time talking to him, we was just good friends however. A month I actually spoke to my ex and he said he had finished this other girl off (he had done as well), so he we met up again and he stopped at my parents for a couple of weeks over the Christmas/new year period. It was horrible, he ruined my Christmas and new year. He bit my nose on new years eve because I complained he didn't want to do anything to celebrate.. other than sit on his laptop... and left me with a huge scar I still have over a year on. After he went home, I just doubted the whole thing and could never find the strength to break the relationship off. My friend that I mentioned before, was in London with his family (he is from Greenland) and he came all the way up on a train to see me (I live near Manchester) just for a day - it was so great, I had never had so much fun in my life or felt that kind of happiness before, he was also very attractive too. I actually genuinely felt for the first time in my life, a serious attraction to somebody. I still cared a lot about my boyfriend though, and 6 weeks later me and him had a huge argument and he cut all contact with me and I was actually upset but relieved at the same time.

 

A few days later I did a silly thing, I told my friend I liked him and how I felt when he came to visit that day. He said he liked me too, and we gave it a go. We kept everything on line for 4 months then he met me in Denmark and I flew back to Greenland with him for 3 weeks. We hit off on a rough spot the first night, he had caught some kind of stomach bug a couple of days before I was meeting him (he hadn't told me this) and we was in the process of ''making love'' and he ran off and vomited. I literally felt devastated and thought it was my fault and that I had made him feel sick - I have always felt insecure. I was his first girlfriend and the lot. He told me after he had eaten something bad, but I always felt paranoid that it was me who made him sick, it couldn't of come at a worse time. Anyway, other than that it was all great. I turned 17 after returning home, my parents paid for me driving lessons and I was about to go to college in September. His birthday was 1 month after mine, and I received an email off my boyfriends mother saying she was going to buy me a ticket to Greenland for his birthday - as a surprise. How could I say no to that?! I missed him so much and I was so excited to see him again. Big mistake though. I went and I was so happy to see him again, it was great, at first. He had to go to school, so I was just on my own all day as his parents worked really long hours too. So I was feeling trapped, I didn't have any friends to go see, there was not much to do in the town and people don't speak good English and could be rather ignorant, also my anxiety. I started to feel depressed in the days when he was not at school, so his mum suggested I found a small job. So I got myself a working permit and an internet cafe offered me a job as a dish washer. I took it, the night before I was due to start me and him had a huge argument (it was because I was to anxious to start this job, I was home sick and feeling depressed and isolated) so we agreed I should go home. His mum got me a ticket to leave 3 days later and couldn't start my job. The night before I was due to leave, my boyfriend kicked off and cried because he didn't want me to go and I cried because I didn't want to leave him either so after an emotional night his mum got my ticket refunded. But that didn't change a thing, we was back to how I was before and I didn't even have a job (not that I wanted it). I stayed for another 6 weeks, and we kept arguing over things and he actually pinned me to the wall a few times, he never actually hit me though. I decided myself I was ready to go home, the weather was terrible, dark all the time, snow was waist deep and it was just like an ice rink and I was incredibly home sick. It was an emotional goodbye but in a way I was glad to go home and see my family again.

 

After returning home we just argued a lot over the computer, but I knew he was coming to the UK for Christmas and we was going to London for New Year to see the fireworks so I had something to look forward to. It was a painful 2 months, all we did was argue over silly things and he had turned to being emotionally abusive, he would call me fat and say that it was me who made him sick that time and he lied about eating something bad (he then said it wasn't true afterwards and just said it out of anger) - which made me feel absolute devastated. He was always right in an argument as well, I was always wrong. He use to make me call him and apologize, yes I had to call him as well (he knew I had lost my job because of going away to see him and had hardly any money to my name) and it was expensive to call and I would end up with £80-100 phone bills sometimes because of him, I had to lie to my parents as to why they was so expensive. He came here for Christmas and I just was so happy to be in his arms, I had never seen him so sloppy before either. All he did was kiss me that night and want to hold me and everything. Deep down I was still hurting from the things he said and we had a couple of fall outs and I thumped him on the leg a couple of times, yes I know it was wrong. When we was in London, I kept having really bad panic attacks because of the huge crowds of people everywhere. He actually walked off and left me and I had never felt so terrified in all my life, but he was waiting for me at the end of the street and I was so scared we ended up having another argument all the way back to the hotel and in the hotel - he eventually calmed me down though. I feel he brought the worst out in me at times. At the end of January, I went back to Denmark with him for a few days and his parents was away working in Denmark so we all met before they left to go home. We had a good time, and the night before he cried his eyes out the whole night, the whole morning I left, and his mum said he also cried the whole day and night after I left too. It melted my heart.

 

It all went wrong from there, 1 week after leaving we broke up and didn't talk for a day. He accused me of cheating on him, because he found a flirty email I once sent to a guy when I was 13/14?? I can't even remember it but he found it! I tried to get in touch with him and he told me it was over and to get over it, then a when I was sleeping he sent me a message saying I had 12 hours to contact him and apologize.. me being a fool, I did as he said. Everything went back to normal, he didn't want to talk it and wanted to carry on like it didn't happen, fair play. 2 weeks later and 2 days before our 1 year together, he went out to some all night computer gaming thing at the internet cafe.. he told me to buy a ticket to Denmark because he was going for Easter. So I did, and the next day I was exciting to talk to him and tell him I got a ticket. But he was not interested in talking to me, I could see him on facebook because he was liking and commenting on things and I said why can't we talk now? He just said he was still tired and couldn't be bothered, so we had an argument... and he made me do the whole calling thing again. Then we ended up arguing again, I said some really nasty things because I was absolute angry about EVERYTHING. The fact I gave up so much for him and always put him first in my life and he couldn't give a sh*t to message me, he just said it was over and cut all contact. Gone like that. I was devastated, and still am.

 

1 week gone... still not in touch, 2 weeks gone... still nothing, 3 weeks.. still nothing, his mother told me to hang on to my ticket because I can't get it fully refunded anyway and she will talk him into going to Denmark and we can try work things out from there (this is what I wanted to) but last night she emailed me and said he isn't going so she will give me my money back. I feel worse because she kept me dangling on a shoe string for weeks which hasn't helped me. My now, ex, keeps all my family on facebook too and talks to my mum like normal but won't talk about me, he just says he hates me and I ruined his life and he wants to rewind back time because it was the biggest mistake of his life. I keep trying to make excuses for him, saying ''he is just angry'' but that probably isn't the case, he really must hate me. He has said he lied about loving me, and never did. Which absolutely destroys my heart because I would do anything in the world for him.

 

I have being on a diet for 6 weeks now, lost 30lbs so far - it doesn't make me feel any better, I have been doing some qualification for maths and english since the break up as well, but that still doesn't make me feel better either. I just feel like I want to give up everything, I have no motivation now I am single. I have never had to face a break up before because last time I just masked it away by getting with another guy - although my first genuine love, was my recent ex. I can't get back into playing my computer game, I lost all my online friends because of him (he was jealous when I talked to other guys unless he approved of them - which he didn't approve of my actual friends.) I have thought about joining the gym and applying for college again to start in September, but I don't see the point in it. I just feel like my life is meaningless when I am single. I think I have a fear of now being single forever, a fear of never getting over my ex because we had a future planned together, he even bought me a promise ring for my birthday! People tell me to go out and do things, but my anxiety kicks in and I don't feel like there is any point getting help because I am ''single'' ... I just feel worthless. I feel worse because he got the better of me. I feel like I am such a horrible person and I blame myself for everything that happened, I would do anything in the world to put it right. I don't know what to do with myself, I just feel so down.

 

I am sorry for the big wall of text, I just needed somewhere to vent everything out.

 

I feel abnormal for the way I feel, how can I come to terms with being single and feeling happy? I have such a big fear of being alone forever... as it feels this way right now...

[Dragonsden]

When I was your age and ever older by a few more years into my twenties ... I dont know how I did it but I never got hurt or emotionally attached to any girl where I would be hurt. Guess its cause I never saw any future at all with any of those girls or marriage was never in my mind so I had zero troubles moving on. As if nothing happened.

 

Will all you have to do dig through threads and find the same advice over and over again. Time will heal! In the meantime look after yourself. Develope skills and hobbies, spend time with your family and friends, and realize that your happiness does not depend on one person alone. Good luck!

[Shaylee357]

I wish I never got attached to him, but it is hard not to do so after living with that person for a while. I actually got an email from him today, saying he burnt everything I bought him and gave him and that I am a ''deformed retarded whale'' - I have not stopped crying all day. Everyone says time is a healer..... but my it seems to be so long and painful, and all I am hoping for is that I meet somebody else but it feels like I won't do. I am to shy to chat up guys etc. I just feel desperate for somebody else to come along to mask my pain away, it sounds silly.. I know. I am terrified that I will never get over him because I had such an amazing experience with him and he was my first true love.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Do you love yourself? Because THAT is what it's about. I remember being 17 and everyone had a b/f but me and it was depressing, LOL. But I have come to learn that being solo is wonderful if you are connected with YOU. There is a peace about it. Sure, having someone is nice, but if you cannot handle being alone, you won't be able to handle being in a relationship. Can't depend on someone else to cure the loneliness.

 

At 17 you should be dating around and having fun with friends. Just be carefree and enjoy all life has to offer.

[Shaylee357]

Thanks for the response.

I need to learn to love myself actually.. I think that is my main focus now, all my life people have put me down which never helped me so I think it's about time I started to love myself and enjoy being me. I can't change who I am so might as well enjoy it!

On the other hand, my ex is drinking all the time - he wouldn't even have a drop of wine when we was in London. It hurts me, but if that's how he wants to live my life then so be it. It feels like I have been given another chance at life, a chance to shine again and show him who is better.

 

My cousins girlfriend told me a story, when she was my age she had a partner in the army and she was having a baby. She lost her baby and her boyfriend promised her leave from the army to come up and visit the next day, but he never showed up. When she got discharged from the hospital, she went all the way to where he was suppose to be training and stayed in a hotel over night, calling him and he never got in touch. Now she has my cousin, and 5 children and last year, he contacted her through Facebook and asked how she was. She didn't reply, but now he has nothing while she has everything. It put a smile on my face and made me feel I need to be better than him, which has changed my lack of motivation to do things. I know it's going to be hard, but I am going to try my best.. I really need to do something for myself, for once..

[gotye]

When I was your age and ever older by a few more years into my twenties ... I dont know how I did it but I never got hurt or emotionally attached to any girl where I would be hurt. Guess its cause I never saw any future at all with any of those girls or marriage was never in my mind so I had zero troubles moving on. As if nothing happened.

 

Will all you have to do dig through threads and find the same advice over and over again. Time will heal! In the meantime look after yourself. Develope skills and hobbies, spend time with your family and friends, and realize that your happiness does not depend on one person alone. Good luck!

 

same with the; marriage isn't important right now. no guy ever was that important when i was younger