freetolove Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 have any of you "settled" and have been happy with your choice? I"m getting older (almost 28) and realize it's time for me to settle down. I've been in love before twice, but I also know the passionate type of guy isn't always the best guy for a stable home life. I want to settle down into something more comfortable, have anyone settled for someone you didn't exactly love but was happy with the decision?
JohnP82 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Why would you want to be with someone you don't love? Also why would anyone want to be with someone that doesn't love them?
wilsonx Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Its called settling and this happens ALL THE TIME.
Author freetolove Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 I'm aware this happens, Wilson, the question is are people happy with their choice.
westrock Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 have any of you "settled" and have been happy with your choice? I"m getting older (almost 28) and realize it's time for me to settle down. I've been in love before twice, but I also know the passionate type of guy isn't always the best guy for a stable home life. I want to settle down into something more comfortable, have anyone settled for someone you didn't exactly love but was happy with the decision? I think it depends on what one's idea of "settled" means. It's different for everyone. There is nothing wrong if one is settling down into something more comfortable. Some may see that as "settling" in the negative sense (and they're not happy), but others see it as a positive change as a result of changing one's priorities and maturing (and they're happy).
Author freetolove Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 thanks westrock, actually, that makes a lot of sense. i always feel like i'm such a free spirit although I do want to stability. i'm afraid of it too
leoc1973 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 no don't ever settle! I feel that thats where lots of affairs come from. I actually had an ex from years ago contact me when she found out I was single again. She is married with 3 kids a great life and she even tells me that her husband is one of those father of the year types. He's a good provider they take vacations together and from the outside it would appear that they are a dream couple. She told me that she feels like something is missing and there is no passion because she took the safe rout. Funny thing is her and a few of her friends started the "innocent" flirting with me on facebook and then I get a private message from one of her friends(both drop dead gorgeous women) She starts telling me the same type of thing and how she never felt a spark with anyone else like me. Then a 3rd one. I showed my mother because it was so hilarious that all 3 conversations went exactly the same way. All 3 have great husbands whom are great fathers and good providers. Me I guess I am decent looking in good shape an ok job. I guess I am that other guy you are talking about. On paper I suck but I guess I am fun and all that crap. Anyways, in different circumstances or if I was a creep I would end up having affairs. Funny thing is my ex dumped me for a guy who was well off nice house car the whole nine yards. He's unattractive and has a lot of other qualities that would normally turn her off. I remember at one point I said to myself I am never going to worry about another mans woman again. They are all fair game but now that the hurt has died down I just can't do to another man what has been done to me.(even tho these women are going to end up finding someone else anyways) They all have an itch that is going to end up being scratched(desperate houswives?) I am rambling trying to make a point but down the road you will crave and probably seek that "magic" or "butterflies" that you never really got with the guy you settled for. You will have children and probably a great guy but it won't matter we are all human. Bridges of madison county!! Talk to some older women, a lot of them will tell you about that one guy that they still think about. Thats cause they settled and never found someone to make them forget that guy. 1
westrock Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 no don't ever settle! I feel that thats where lots of affairs come from. If one is adjusting their priorities/desires to a more mature perspective, then it's not really settling in the negative sense is it? As somoeone gets older their priorities/desires in a partner change -- that's not settling, but instead is a reflection of maturity and changing life priorities. Ironically, those who confuse making wise mature choices as "settling" are the ones will find out later on when their priorities/desires change that they are the ones who actually "settled" and they will be disappointed. I am rambling trying to make a point but down the road you will crave and probably seek that "magic" or "butterflies" that you never really got with the guy you settled for. You will have children and probably a great guy but it won't matter we are all human. Bridges of madison county!! Talk to some older women, a lot of them will tell you about that one guy that they still think about. Thats cause they settled and never found someone to make them forget that guy. Many people claim they will never "settle" and hold out as long as they can looking for that person who gives them "magic" or "butterflies" (which often they are confusing for "drama"). Thinking they have found "the one" and did not "settle" like their friends, they are subsequently disappointed when reality sets in months/years down the road and they discover that their perfect person is not so perfect at all and those butterflies give them indigestion. Somehow they don't understand what happened to the "magic" and "butterflies" and ironically wonder why they "settled" for such a person. They realize that their friends who they thought "settled" in fact did not settle, but had instead made wise mature choices. That's when these people are disappointed and long for that stable person from their past that "they still think about". 1
westrock Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 thanks westrock, actually, that makes a lot of sense. i always feel like i'm such a free spirit although I do want to stability. i'm afraid of it too That's a reasonable desire to want both. You don't have to be afraid that stability means you can't be a free spirit. You can be a free spirit with stability. The beauty of life is that you can embrace both. The two are not mutually exclusive. It's just a matter of finding the right balance for yourself. 1
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 That's a reasonable desire to want both. You don't have to be afraid that stability means you can't be a free spirit. You can be a free spirit with stability. The beauty of life is that you can embrace both. The two are not mutually exclusive. It's just a matter of finding the right balance for yourself. Really well said. That's what I'm hoping to find-- a good balance between stabilty and independence. Between being supported and being challenged. And giving the same in return.
Philosoraptor Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 If you settle, you're not happy. If you're happy, you didn't settle. 3
norajane Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I think it depends on what one's idea of "settled" means. It's different for everyone. There is nothing wrong if one is settling down into something more comfortable. Some may see that as "settling" in the negative sense (and they're not happy), but others see it as a positive change as a result of changing one's priorities and maturing (and they're happy). I think of it as "setting in" for the long term with the one you love. Isn't that what people do when they find the perfect spot - they settle in and get comfortable because they're planning to be there for a while?
xxoo Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 . i always feel like i'm such a free spirit although I do want to stability. i'm afraid of it too When you learn to reconcile your own innate desire for passion and stability, you will be able to recognize men who manage the same.
marqueemoon4 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I settled with my exW.. mainly because we had a son together. It has turned out to be the worst mistake of my entire life. Don't do it.
westrock Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I think of it as "setting in" for the long term with the one you love. Isn't that what people do when they find the perfect spot - they settle in and get comfortable because they're planning to be there for a while? I like your way of phrasing it. When people say one should never settle, they should really be saying one should never settle on important qualities. It's okay to settle, just make sure it's on the non-important qualities. Unfortunately, for some reason the word "settle" has become a charged word with only negative emotional associations. It seems that many have adopoted the concept that "to settle" means to compromise on any quality they desire in a partner. The reality is that we can't have it all, but more importantly we don't need it all for happiness. Technically everyone has to compromise and settle in some way or other. The question is whether they are compromising on important qualities or non-important qualities. Maturity is the ability to identify those qualities we seek in a partner that are important for our happiness and being able to distinguish them from those qualities, although nice to have, are really not important for long term happiness. In that regard, when it comes to important qualities we should not settle (ie. not compromise), but it is equally important to settle (ie. compromise) on qualities that are not important. Otherwise, we'll never find anyone good enough for us. When people can't figure out how to make the distinction, or refuse to do so, I think they justify it by just saying they refuse to settle.
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