LSgirl Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Ever since the day of the breakup, I have not once contacted my ex. Today is day 19 NC and I feel like I'm getting to that depressing point where I know at this point we will just be strangers from here on out. There's no way I can be friends with him anytime soon. When I confronted him about his feelings for me (we dated for 14 months) he admitted to not having as strong feelings as I did (I told him i loved him, he couldn't get there bc before me his ex-fiancee of 8 years cheated on him and he probably never got over it). I took whatever self-respect I had left and walked away from the relationship. In a way, it was a mutual breakup, he knew he couldn't see me long term, so then I left. I posted the e-mail here awhile back that he wrote, just along the lines of not wanting to hurt me anymore, deserved someone better, didn't see me as long-term. It hurt so much to read it (even though I wasnt even surprised, I could tell no matter how great of a boyfriend he was, he was still hurt from his ex). I deactivated my Facebook and don't plan on even going back on it in the next couple months. He texted me 6 days NC that he was ashamed of what he did, hated himself, that I was better off now since he wasnt messing up my life, said I was a great and beautiful person and how sorry he was. He said he hoped I could talk to him again one day. I never responded to that either. So, since the breakup, I went kayaking, hiked a volcano, took an Irish jig dance class last night that I was horrible at even though it was just for fun with friends, went parasailing/kayaking today. I'm not outdoorsy at all so I was surprised with the things I've been doing lately. Even still, I feel at times angry and other times just painfully sad. I still miss him even though I don't plan on getting back with him, not that he would anyway. If he had reached out to me again, it would be nice to know he was thinking about me even if I didn't respond. I feel like even at 10 more days that will make it a month of NC, I will still think of him and wonder what he is doing. I know I'm not over him because the thought of him with another girl just kills me. I suppose I am just venting here, but I just need some validation that doing NC is the best thing. Is it mean just to cut him off cold turkey from his e-mail? I never responded to it and he took my silence/fb deactivation that we were done. The words with "we are done" or other broken up phrases were never said, but it was concluded with what he said in the e-mail then me just never contacting him again. He probably doesn't suffer as much as I do since he was trying to alleviate his guilt in that text awhile ago, and he'll be going to downtown tonight at the block party to have the time of his life. Here I am, with no plans tonight, not going with my friends to downtown because I don't want to run into him. It's just an awful feelings to be alone, not have someone love you back when you loved them, feeling emotionally used as a crutch by someone, it's just terrible all around. I made an OK Cupid profile, but not interested in anyone and people who have messaged me, I have told them straight up Im not even sure if Im going to meet up with anyone on here, let alone want anything serious. I figured i'll just be honest, but it was nice to talk to people even if it was strangers. Sigh...a break-up is the most painful experience I have ever gone through in life.
MarlaOryx Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 If it's over, then NC is the best way. Hurts like nothing ever before or since. I'm well aware. If there is hope of reconciliation, NC is the best way to gain perspective and heal some. Go at least a month. Then see how you feel. If you're still not sure, go 6 weeks. Try not to think about what he might or might not be doing. That's just crazy making. You have no idea what he's doing or thinking or feeling. The things you've done made me smile, and it makes me want to get out there myself and dance an Irish Jig! Awesome! As for his email, sounds like commitment issues. Read MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE. It was an eye opener for me. 1
Frank13 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I suppose I am just venting here, but I just need some validation that doing NC is the best thing. Is it mean just to cut him off cold turkey from his e-mail? I never responded to it and he took my silence/fb deactivation that we were done. The words with "we are done" or other broken up phrases were never said, but it was concluded with what he said in the e-mail then me just never contacting him again. He probably doesn't suffer as much as I do since he was trying to alleviate his guilt in that text awhile ago, LSGirl, I was/am in a similar situation, but I am the guy. I had feelings for her but she didn't or lost them for me so I walked away and went NC. She tried a couple half assed attempts at contact at the beginning which I ignored. It has been almost three months without a word from her since. She wouldn't even say good bye. I wasn't even worth a good bye from her. I would say your ex doesn't suffer at all. The one thing I have learned being on both sides of the unrequited love situation is this - If you love someone but they don't love you back, your love for them means absolutely nothing to them. For you and me, there is not a single thing to be gained by breaking NC. There was no fight or problems. They simply didn't have the same feelings we did. There is no solution to that so we must stay NC to heal and move on. I hope to never see or hear from my ex again. What would be the point? I don't care what she thinks of me since we will never be in each other's life again. Ask yourself what what would you get out of breaking NC.
Author LSgirl Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Thanks guys for responding. I don't want to get back together with him because I would always feel second best to his ex-fiancee who he gave all his love to. He was honest with me with the way he felt, I guess I was in denial for awhile, thinking with time he would gradually fall in love with me if I was patient. Then to realize that he was never coming around I had to leave. We didn't fight, we were respectful to each other, but it is sad to hear you say our love means nothing to them. To have my love go unnoticed or unrewarded in return is awful. I don't regret being with him, but I do regret staying in the relationship longer than I should have. Frank 13, how long were you guys in the relationship for? Did she ever tell you why she had no strong feelings for you? How long ago did you guys break up? There is nothing to be gained by NC, only the thought of him thinking of me, but what good would that really do for me? I just feel sad that I still love him and why I let that go to waste. Now I feel a little bitter and not wanting to give so much to somebody again, just as he probably felt with me. Ive never been in a position before where my boyfriend didn't love me, it really takes a blow to my self-esteem.
nature Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I am so sorry you are hurting. I read back thru your posts and your whole story. You are doing the right thing. This guy was NOT ready to jump into a relationship, but he did as many people do, and rebounded. He was hurt and devastated by his fiance, and you came along and you were sweet and kind, and so you replaced that hole in his life so he didn't have to feel so alone. If you google "rebound relationship" you will learn all about it. He did all the nice things for you, because those were the things he was used to doing for his fiance. He was trying to recreate the relationship he had with his fiance, with yoiu. But anytime it came down to deep, emotional feelings, he couldn't go there. Because he didn't really feel that for you. He is very clearly still grieving for his fiancee, and maybe doing this for a few more years now. Unfortunately you got caught up as his rebound. No, of course he will not admit you were his rebound. But you know it yourself. You knew it last summer when he broke up with yoiu. You were hoping in time his feelings would change and deepend for you and you could replace the love he has for his fiancee, but it doesn't work that way. Unfortunately. A close girlfriend of mine was just in the exact same situation as you. Only she was with him for almost 3 years. But as soon as it came down to them taking the relationship to the next level (moving in together or marriage) he ran for the hills. Sent her all kinds of nice, beautiful emails, presents, etc. Because he feels guilty. Because deep down, your guy and my friends guy were and are not ready. aNd you cannot change that in them. I warned my girlfriend when she got involved with him, but she thought by being super cool and sweet and accomodating he'd come around. I knew he wouldn't. It just doesn't work that way. Now she is 3 months on in the break up and looking back now at all the things that went wrong and all the red flags and warning bells that were going off, that she swept under the rug becuase she wanted it so bad. She so badly wanted him to feel for her what he felt for his ex. But she was just his replacement and rebound to help him get on his feet again. Your ex is being honest with you. And he was with you last summer when he ended it. Someone who is rebounding doesn't often do the right thing. They are hurting and in pain. So he jumped into a relationship with you when he wasn't ready. That is why it is up to us to tell the rebounder NO, you are not ready. I have had many guys want to date me when they are straight out of a long term relationship. And I've kindly told them no, maybe in a few years whne you get your head together. At first they deny everything i tell htem and tell me they are so ready, but a few years later they actually thank me and say how smart I was. Best wishes to you 1
Author LSgirl Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Nature, thank you for your reply. I did overlook all the red flags. I kept thinking, he will see how great I am and want to commit deeper with me. Unfortunately, time and time as I have posted previously on here, he is still grieving over his ex-fiancee. I saw the pain he was in, but told myself to be patient. I felt I couldn't rush him, but at the same time, I was losing that patience wondering if I was wasting my time. While I still think of him as a wonderful man, he wasn't ready to be with me or anyone, and hopefully that may be something he is realizing now, another failed relationship. When he sent me the email saying all the things of not wanting to hurt me, etc...I wanted to send a reply back not only to defend myself, but to tell him to not hurt a girl again this way. It wasn't in my position, he knows this himself all too well now. Im glad I stuck with strict NC. It's still hard for me to understand that he did all those nice things with me, and not actually FEEL those feelings that should go along with it. I will definitely watch for these kind of red flags, this is the first time of this sort of situation. If it was a matter of getting over arguments or disagreement it's a different story, but to know someone doesn't love you back is a a losing situation. I like the responses validate what I already know, but it helps to come back on here and read it over and over.
toffeecream77 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 You've done so well with the NC, I'm very impressed! Wish I was as strong as you when my ex left me. Silly me, I kept messaging him etc and made myself look like a total fool. But well done to you. Keep it up. It's the best way.
mississippimom Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) I am so sorry you are hurting. I read back thru your posts and your whole story. You are doing the right thing. This guy was NOT ready to jump into a relationship, but he did as many people do, and rebounded. He was hurt and devastated by his fiance, and you came along and you were sweet and kind, and so you replaced that hole in his life so he didn't have to feel so alone. If you google "rebound relationship" you will learn all about it. He did all the nice things for you, because those were the things he was used to doing for his fiance. He was trying to recreate the relationship he had with his fiance, with yoiu. But anytime it came down to deep, emotional feelings, he couldn't go there. Because he didn't really feel that for you. He is very clearly still grieving for his fiancee, and maybe doing this for a few more years now. Unfortunately you got caught up as his rebound. No, of course he will not admit you were his rebound. But you know it yourself. You knew it last summer when he broke up with yoiu. You were hoping in time his feelings would change and deepend for you and you could replace the love he has for his fiancee, but it doesn't work that way. Unfortunately. A close girlfriend of mine was just in the exact same situation as you. Only she was with him for almost 3 years. But as soon as it came down to them taking the relationship to the next level (moving in together or marriage) he ran for the hills. Sent her all kinds of nice, beautiful emails, presents, etc. Because he feels guilty. Because deep down, your guy and my friends guy were and are not ready. aNd you cannot change that in them. I warned my girlfriend when she got involved with him, but she thought by being super cool and sweet and accomodating he'd come around. I knew he wouldn't. It just doesn't work that way. Now she is 3 months on in the break up and looking back now at all the things that went wrong and all the red flags and warning bells that were going off, that she swept under the rug becuase she wanted it so bad. She so badly wanted him to feel for her what he felt for his ex. But she was just his replacement and rebound to help him get on his feet again. Your ex is being honest with you. And he was with you last summer when he ended it. Someone who is rebounding doesn't often do the right thing. They are hurting and in pain. So he jumped into a relationship with you when he wasn't ready. That is why it is up to us to tell the rebounder NO, you are not ready. I have had many guys want to date me when they are straight out of a long term relationship. And I've kindly told them no, maybe in a few years whne you get your head together. At first they deny everything i tell htem and tell me they are so ready, but a few years later they actually thank me and say how smart I was. Best wishes to you I sure wish you could tell this to my exbf. We finally (well I mainly) ended things basically on the 13th of Feb and prior to that (I guess when we both realized that things were slipping away) he failed to mention that he met a new girl a few days earlier. I think that's why he just basically was saying he was going to "give up" on us. I later found out that was the case (it was a new girl) and I was hurt (because he just didn't have the BALLS to just tell me, I'd bound to find out anyways). Next thing I know after the 13th, a few days later, we was still "talking, texting"...he was doing his pleadings, beggings, etc.....I finally just asked, "have you met someone new" and he admitted that he had. Yes, that crushed me at first. We had been off and on for the last 10 months basically and on the 13th, I just said, well ...there is nothing left to salvage, basically. I told him that he was just rebounding and that she was just someone he could be with bc he didn't want to be alone. I said to him, "what idiot moves in with a girl he's only known for 3 weeks"....... I sure wish someone would explain to him that all he's doing is REBOUNDING. If he really "cares" about this girl, he wouldn't be texting me or calling me, and still upset about our breakup. Am I right? What's even funnier, is that he's probably doing the same things for her now as he did for me...Being nice, sweet, charming, caring...etc and she's just too DUMB to realize that he ain't over me....yet. I know he still loves me, he is a very emotional guy. Ugh. Edited March 18, 2012 by mississippimom
nature Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Mississipimom, nobody can tell your ex he is rebounding. He has to figure this out on his own. In time. Sometimes rebounds last only a few weeks. Sometimes they last a few years. It is just someones way of coping. Some people choose to grieve alone and deal with their emotions and get over the relationship. Others jump into another relationship to deal with the pain. Nobody can tell your ex not to do it, because right now he's going to be stubborn and do what he wants. sorry you are both hurting.
mississippimom Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Mississipimom, nobody can tell your ex he is rebounding. He has to figure this out on his own. In time. Sometimes rebounds last only a few weeks. Sometimes they last a few years. It is just someones way of coping. Some people choose to grieve alone and deal with their emotions and get over the relationship. Others jump into another relationship to deal with the pain. Nobody can tell your ex not to do it, because right now he's going to be stubborn and do what he wants. sorry you are both hurting. I know. I don't think he's ever been "alone", he's dated so many people over the last 20 years, it's pathetic. I, however, went thru a bad divorce 4 years ago, it took me a while to get past that. I have kids so I had no choice but to accept their dad (my exhusband) into my life for the next 100 years LOL. I mean, it is what it is. We tolerate each other, mainly for the girls. I broke the NC rule this past Friday after 5 days of NC on my part. I just hate it when I feel this way, just when I think I am "strong", I'll get a stupid call or a text and I did really good for those 5 days, then I reckon I just HAD to like answer his text regarding my jewelry, which he knew months ago, I've gotten them all. I know now why he did this or I think I know why. To keep me from healing. I was doing SO good til today, when I am bawling my eyes out, feeling hurt all over again and now I'm angry. I'm angry because I wasted 1 1/2 years of my life with a pathetic f**king LOSER. I'm in a new relationship of my own, 9 months, which I am trying to focus 100 percent on, but it's tough. My bf now is fixing to move here from another state in 3 weeks, and I wish he was here to help me cope with this loss in a positive way. I'm to that point where (and I know it will happen) when the ex texts me, I'm just going to ignore it and when he calls, I'm going to reject his calls. I'm right back to square ONE all over again. I ain't the one CALLING or TEXTING first, HE is and I wish to God he would stop sending me mixed signals. Ugh.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 .....doesn't see you as 'long term'. Ouch...can you say USED? Nothing to love there, moving on...
nature Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 . I'm angry because I wasted 1 1/2 years of my life with a pathetic f**king LOSER. I'm in a new relationship of my own, 9 months, which I am trying to focus 100 percent on, but it's tough. My bf now is fixing to move here from another state in 3 weeks, I'm confused. You say you just split up wtih your ex in February after 1.5 years together and are angry he's moving in with a girl he's only known the last few weeks. Yet you've been seeing a guy the last 9months and he's moving to be with you? Ummm I'm confused. it doesn't sound like either you or your ex are ready to be in other relationships. If you are still so hurt over your ex and only split in february, how have you been dating someone else the last 9 months? And why is he moving in with you so soon? I'm confused. I think both you and your ex are rebounding to try to heal your pain. But wanting the new person to take the pain away and mask it for you. A distraction. But alll that does is bury the pain and you don't really deal with it.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 . I'm angry because I wasted 1 1/2 years of my life with a pathetic f**king LOSER. I'm in a new relationship of my own, 9 months, which I am trying to focus 100 percent on, but it's tough. My bf now is fixing to move here from another state in 3 weeks, I'm confused. You say you just split up wtih your ex in February after 1.5 years together and are angry he's moving in with a girl he's only known the last few weeks. Yet you've been seeing a guy the last 9months and he's moving to be with you? Ummm I'm confused. it doesn't sound like either you or your ex are ready to be in other relationships. If you are still so hurt over your ex and only split in february, how have you been dating someone else the last 9 months? And why is he moving in with you so soon? I'm confused. I think both you and your ex are rebounding to try to heal your pain. But wanting the new person to take the pain away and mask it for you. A distraction. But alll that does is bury the pain and you don't really deal with it. and it hurts 2 unsuspecting, innocent people.
mississippimom Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 . I'm angry because I wasted 1 1/2 years of my life with a pathetic f**king LOSER. I'm in a new relationship of my own, 9 months, which I am trying to focus 100 percent on, but it's tough. My bf now is fixing to move here from another state in 3 weeks, I'm confused. You say you just split up wtih your ex in February after 1.5 years together and are angry he's moving in with a girl he's only known the last few weeks. Yet you've been seeing a guy the last 9months and he's moving to be with you? Ummm I'm confused. it doesn't sound like either you or your ex are ready to be in other relationships. If you are still so hurt over your ex and only split in february, how have you been dating someone else the last 9 months? And why is he moving in with you so soon? I'm confused. I think both you and your ex are rebounding to try to heal your pain. But wanting the new person to take the pain away and mask it for you. A distraction. But alll that does is bury the pain and you don't really deal with it. I originally ended our relationship back last summer...but he kept hanging on and hanging on. The relationship I am in now, is with a guy that I have been best friends for 3 years, he lives in another state. It wasn't til recently that I've realized that he and I were meant for each other. It wasn't til before the holidays that I chose to give the male friend a chance to be with me. He is about to finish with classes in April that he's been taking for 9 months. He is moving to where I am at, in April to be close to me. I don't want the exbf back, it wouldn't do any good, I'm just going through the emotions, just like everyone else on here. I want closure, the ex isn't willing to do that. I just want to close this chapter of my life, just venting, that's all.
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