kest Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 This seemed like the best place to post this. At the beginning of the year I met this guy on an online forum. Since then, we've been emailing a couple of times a week and occasionally chatting over IM. We live in different countries. I don't know all that much about him, and I haven't told him very much about myself, but at the beginning of this week things got really awkward for me. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, and when I said no he asked if he could be my boyfriend. I told him politely that I didn't think it could work for a few reasons, and then he replied telling me that he loved me. I was really stunned and felt exceptionally awkward. Since then he's been sending me love messages (one of the messages just repeated the words "I love you" about twenty times over). He seems like a nice person and all, but I feel so confused by this. I hardly know him, and he hardly knows me. Plus, him constantly telling me he loves me is making me really uncomfortable. Is there any nice way of telling him to chill out? I don't want to doubt or make fun of his feelings, but I can't see how he can love me if he barely knows me and if we've never met. I feel really bad about turning him down, but I just can't reciprocate the feelings he claims to have for me. Any ideas?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I agree with your vibes. And sad to say there are scores and scores of people all over the online world who let their minds get carried that far. I think that it is most important that you be direct, in order so that your position is clear. It IS okay to say "this is making me uncomfortable" among other things, and the sooner you are somewhat blunt, the less of a (sometimes dangerous) snowball effect there can be. You just have to state your honest feelings and observations about how strong he is coming-on, and about the extreme logistics of your relative locations.
Author kest Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I agree with your vibes. And sad to say there are scores and scores of people all over the online world who let their minds get carried that far. I think that it is most important that you be direct, in order so that your position is clear. It IS okay to say "this is making me uncomfortable" among other things, and the sooner you are somewhat blunt, the less of a (sometimes dangerous) snowball effect there can be. You just have to state your honest feelings and observations about how strong he is coming-on, and about the extreme logistics of your relative locations. Thank you for your reply and reassuring advice. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. It is a bit sad. He spends a lot of time on the computer and seems a bit lonely. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. He sounds like a nice person, but I just can't reciprocate that kind of feeling. I'll let him know that it's making me uncomfortable. It's making me want to avoid communicating with him - because each time we email or IM, I end up feeling awkward.
CC12 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 It's making me want to avoid communicating with him - because each time we email or IM, I end up feeling awkward. Is this a friendship that you value? Honestly, it really seems like you're not all that invested in this friendship and that you're still talking to him just to be kind and not hurt his feelings. That's nice and all, but is he considering your feelings? He basically ignored you when you politely rejected him and has gone on to aggressively push his feelings on you. To me, this shows a lack of respect for you and your wishes. So don't feel too badly if you want to just end the friendship. You'd be completely justified. He sounds very emotionally immature and I wouldn't be convinced that his feelings for you would just go away if you told him to stop with the "I love you" stuff. He might be better off if this friendship ends. He really does not seem to understand how interpersonal relationships should work. If I were you, I just wouldn't want to have anything to do with that, for his sake and my own. But, if you do still want to be friends with him then be assertive and very clear about what your boundaries are and what is and is not appropriate. I know you really don't want to hurt his feelings, but this isn't something you can sugar-coat. His feelings are going to be hurt either way. And sometimes people latch on to any slight little chance that it might work. "You're coming on too strong" can be taken as "Okay, I'm still in, she just wants me to dial it back a bit." Or, "We live too far away" can become "Well, someday I might live closer so I should still pursue this." If you say, "I don't understand how you can have such strong feelings for me" he might think, "Oh, you'll understand in time. You don't know it yet, but we're soul mates, baby. ~SOUL MATES~"
Author kest Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 Thanks for your helpful reply Not particularly. I've only been communicating with him for a couple of months. And I think you're right - the main thing keeping the communication going is my wish to be kind and considerate. I tried to be as polite as I could when I declined, and later he sent me a message saying that he felt "kinda depressed" because he'd been rejected. That made me feel bad, and I told him so. He said it wasn't my fault...but then whose fault is it, if anyone's? To be honest, I feel quite uncomfortable when I think about him or about the situation. I was talking to him last weekend over IM, and in the middle of conversation he said "I love you btw". I really didn't know what to say back, and he admitted that it was an "awkward statement". I think he KNOWS I feel awkward about this - yet he keeps doing that sort of stuff. I don't really understand why. He is immature. From what I can tell, he spends a lot of time on the computer and doesn't have much social interaction. Maybe that's exaggerated whatever feelings he has for me. He knows I have other commitments, like uni, yet every time we talk he seems to mention how lonely and bored he is. I kind of feel like he's guilt tripping me a bit for not talking to him all the time. Could I just end contact and not reply to him? I don't want to be caught in this, but at the same time I want to treat him kindly and respectfully. Cutting off all contact would be the most practical solution, but I know it would be hard for me because I'd feel like I'm hurting another person. I mean, I know if I had feelings for someone I'd feel very hurt if they just stopped talking to me altogether. Though maybe it is the best thing - for him and for me.
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