janinenm Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 My boyfriend, L, recently signed with a modelling agency. He just landed a role in a commercial. The problem is, they shoot in a city that's a three hour flight from where we live. He'll be on set for 4-5 days, probably surrounded by gorgeous females featuring in the ad, and I'm feeling very uneasy about the whole thing. L hasn't recently given me any reason to mistrust him, but his track record hasn't been squeaky clean. We have been together just over a year. It is his behavior at the beginning of the relationship that has a cast a shadow over our entire time together. He used to have this female friend, M, who he dated briefly 5 yrs ago. They would sometimes text each other late into the night. I would get worried and question him about her, and he maintained that they were just friends. Recently, I was snooping on his laptop and found an old msn conversation between them. He had asked M to come over and have sex. We were still in the dating phase at the time the conversation between them took place and hadn't established an exclusive relationship yet. But he has always led me to believe I was the only girl in his life throughout that entire pre-relationship, just-dating period. I was devastated to find out he'd been lying about the nature of their 'friendship' which used to be sexual. He has since cut off all contact with M, deleted her number, removed her from facebook. I went a bit crazy and demanded he cut contact with all other female friends I hadn't been introduced to. I figured, if we'd been together a year and I still hadn't met them, they can't have been real friends anyway. Which brings me back to my current position. Can I trust him while he's away on this shoot? He hasn't been completely honest with me about women in the past. I know he's trying to change, but he admits he has difficulty with drawing boundaries when it comes to light flirting and making friends with women he finds attractive. We are both currently at university. The commercial will only bring him a few thousand so in my opinion, it may not be worth the discomfort it will bring me. Thoughts?
SmileFace Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Umm, you are asking if you can trust him and you are the one who has done untrustworthy things such as snooping?
Author janinenm Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 He wasn't angry that I'd looked. I told him I'd searched M's name in the search bar of his computer hard drive to see what would come up. He was mildly annoyed, but admits that my suspicions about her were well founded.
Desensitized Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 You have no choice. Either you trust him, or you don't. In which case, you break up with him. You seem awfully annoyingly insecure.
FitChick Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Can I trust him while he's away on this shoot? ... The commercial will only bring him a few thousand so in my opinion, it may not be worth the discomfort it will bring me. Whether you like it or not, he's going to do this job to make money. It seems silly for you to dump the guy because you think he might cheat. A more productive tactic might be to encourage him, "Honey, this is so exciting! Maybe you'll get a national commercial because of this one and make a lot of money. I'm so proud of you! You'll have to call me every night to tell me what you did all day because I've always wanted to know how commercials were made. I wish I could be there with you." Yadda yadda. You want to bring out the best in him, not the worst. If he wasn't planning to cheat and you kept nagging him about it he might think, Screw it. She thinks I'll be cheating so I might as well have some fun. Besides, he wasn't cheating on you earlier because you were not exclusive at that point so what he did was none of your business.
Author janinenm Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 @Desensitized: I just recently found out he was trying to f*ck someone who he claimed was "just a friend". I admit I am going through a bout of insecurity, but what's more "annoying" is that I have been lied to for over a year.
salparadise Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 You know, it's a waste of your time and emotional energy to worry about it. He's either going to cheat or be faithful and your worrying about it won't prevent it. If you try and interfere with his opportunities for modeling because you're jealous for no good reason you'll probably sabotage the relationship. I say trust him until you have a reason not to, and if you simply don't think he's trustworthy then end it and find someone whom you can trust.
Author janinenm Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 FitChick: I have been trying to be supportive so far, but I can't get rid of this uneasy gut feeling. And I feel anxious as the day of the shoot creeps closer. I understand he wasn't cheating at the time, but it was still lying all the same. I asked him if his friendship with M has been PURELY platonic since they broke up, and he said it was. Clearly not, if he was asking her to have sex with him years later.
Author janinenm Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Lying by the omission of facts that are crucial to whether you can call someone strictly a 'friend' or not, is still lying in my books. SmileFace, do you routinely call 'friends' people that you from time to time request sex from? I don't know what you would call that, but I would call it a fall-back, or a potential friend with benefits. Not a platonic friend.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Lying by the omission of facts that are crucial to whether you can call someone strictly a 'friend' or not, is still lying in my books. SmileFace, do you routinely call 'friends' people that you from time to time request sex from? I don't know what you would call that, but I would call it a fall-back, or a potential friend with benefits. Not a platonic friend. You are correct on that call janinenm, lying by omission is the same as lying...because regardless there was apart of the truth that this person wanted to remain hidden because those facts would have changed the opinion or altered the "complete truth". That's the reason for: "The truth, The whole truth, and nothing but the truth" because people will try to squiggle by with half-truths and parts of the truth and pretend that was good enough when they know all well it isn't. You also had a right to "snoop" because It was just justified, however If you did not that would have be an extreme bad are your part but he was in fact lying to you about his relationship with her and therefore If you did not you might not have ever been told or found out the truth. He should have said, while we were dating we I had a sexual relationship with this girl but now that we're together we are not involved. He did not tell you that though because he knew you would be suspicious which meant he planned on maintaining that relationship just in case. However he did delete all contact information and such, it doesn't mean he won't ever contact her but It's the most he can do and the appropriate gesture. As far as you trusting him, honestly that appears to have already been broken with you. If you communicate with him about it, which I'm sure you have an he promises to be faithful and no other situation has arrived to indicate he has went back on his worth or otherwise been unfaithful then by you being with him and accepting his "apology" or "explanation" at that point you have to squash it. You cannot hold onto that and continue to use that "evidence" to justify every paranoia or concern you or you will not be able to move on with the relationship. So you need to ask yourself a very important question "Can I accept it or not?" If you can, then put it behind you and move on with the relationship, If you cannot then you have your answer to get out of the relationship...trust is likely the most important quality for a stable relationship. Your role must be to maintain a supportive and loving position with whatever he pursues regardless of the situation (of course within reason, this is within reason) for It's career or job, and It's a necessity for him to make a living. By giving him a sense of insecurity and distrust, all that does is promote doubt within the man and creates a distance/barrier in the relationship. You must show him you trust him, and tell him you do, and you also must reinforce your relationship by making him feel respected and trust worthy. When men are pushed away or felt to be "bad" without reason, then when a situation arises they just feel like "Well she expects this from me...I guess at least she'll have reason for it...no reason to not do it...I get blamed anyway right?" Lack of trust can definitely end a relationship, is that right for him to cheat either way? no, it's not right but for some men It's almost justified when someone tells him that he can't do anything to change the past and he is no different in your eyes, and then he'll come to terms with it eventually and just cheat outright because he's no longer happy in his relationship and feels this is a means to an end by diving right into sin, so to speak. Bottom line: He's either going to cheat or he's not. You have to decide whether you want to trust him and take the negativity out the relationship and work on it yourself and with this support of continuing to be faithful or he's broken your trust far too great for you to continue on in the relationship and you're going to hang over him like a dark cloud making him in one shape or form feeling reminded of shadow he can never get rid of. And you're right about the "friends"...either he's into them or they're into him...I think this is why facebook turns out so bad for so many people. It's almost like an accident waiting to happen with some of these "friends" but there has to be trust in the relationship regardless that overcomes outside threats because sooner or later there will be an opportunity...It's the integrity of your relationship that has to win out over the temptation or It doesn't really exist. Edited March 18, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 2
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