amerikajin Posted June 13, 2004 Posted June 13, 2004 Spock, You have a right to feel angry, but just remember that you're also inflicting injury upon his wife. Whatever you feel about him, your expose is only going to rip her world apart, and you absolutely no right to do that whatsoever. Consider this a lesson learned and move on.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 14, 2004 Author Posted June 14, 2004 So far, for the moment I'm doing alright. I've kept very busy this weekend-tomorrow will be tough. He's back at work and really it will be the first REAL day of no contact, because I know he's there. I'm trying to have a superficial relationship here with single men, sinner, I'm TRYING lol. amerikajin-I haven't exposed anything yet, and if I do it will be my decision. And I would have every right. Make no mistake there. I have no right to be CRUEL. And I'm not a cruel person. Sidling up to her at the gym and telling her "Psssst!!! I've been F*cking your husband" would be cruel, and I'm not like that. I have made no promises to him. I just take it day to day to see how I feel. I recognize that finding someone I can spend time with will make this easier-I'm still trying to find this other guy that I hooked up with and have had no contact since with. So bascially right now I'm still tired, depressed, sad, angry and occasionally elated. I have had my hair done and I feel smokin.
amerikajin Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 amerikajin-I haven't exposed anything yet, and if I do it will be my decision. And I would have every right. No, you don't have any right. You knowingly engaged in an illicit relationship and interfered with another couple's marriage. You have the right to be upset at him for misleading you, but what do you expect when you set foot in a relationship that is essentially premised on dishonest conduct? The only moral action for you to take is to back away from this clown and let him and his wife sort out their problems.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 14, 2004 Author Posted June 14, 2004 I disagree completely with you. Anyways, there is a thread started in another forum on this if you'd like to discuss it over there.
amerikajin Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 You're being completely self-centered here, Spock. You're only thinking about what's been done to you. Haven't you thought about the guy's wife and how she would feel? And don't for one moment give me the "she has a right to know" defense for your selfishly motivated behavior, should you decide that you somehow feel the need to rat him out. Any disclosure of this would be borne purely out of revenge, not because you have some sympathy or concern for the aggrieved spouse. Their marriage isn't any of your business. You never should have been involved with him in the first place. I reiterate, it's bad enough you engaged in an adulterous affair. But you have absolutely no right to intervene a moment more than you have already. Your role in his life - their lives - is finished. You're just pissed 'cause you got played like a sucka. Moral to the story? When you engage in a dishonest relationship, you can expect a little dishonesty from time to time. Take this as a lesson learned. Grow up a little, hon.
amerikajin Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Post break-up "friendships" are frequently ways to hedge ones bets. A friendship is a seemingly innocent way to maintain emotional and interpersonal connection. Many of us dumpees, in immediate post break-up mode, need our Other. I mean we will take anything from him or her. We're so starved for our Other that we'll feast on whatever emotional crumbs our Other throws our way. The hunger for this person is that great; the longing that painfully intense. The Other keeps us in his or her emotional orbit just in case things don't go well with the Mr. or Mrs. at home. We become back-up relationship insurance if the Other has second thoughts. Friendship is just another word for emotional bondage. You're still serving him. Now, however, its emotional servitude rather than anything overtly sexual. By the way, I expect that you two will rekindle. The reunion sex and wooing will be over-the-top, but, at the end, you'll still have nothing and he has his marriage. And when you're finally gone, I bet he'll harvest another affair. He likes this too much to stop. Bark/Jester/Sinner, Well said, my friend. So true, particularly the part about the "emotional insurance policy", as you termed it.
sinner Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Thanks, amerikajin. It's good to see that you haven't lost a step either. I pray this Thread's title/heading also describes the Bush clique.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 14, 2004 Author Posted June 14, 2004 Well regardless, I haven't spilled the beans. I am just a little angry. I acknowledge that it would hurt the spouse-I'm not planning to call her up. It's just hard to stew here. What happens in a few weeks or months when I'm feeling GUILTY? Because I always felt a little guilty you know-I just really liked him and didn't want to lose the contact. What happens when I will feel the need to confess to absolve myself? It will happen you know, I know me-it's why I'd make a terrible criminal. It's what happens when I do stupid things. I'm glad you've told me your opinion-that I don't have the right-but that won't really factor into any of my decisions. I'm sure I'll get over this. I have to remember to feel sorry for his wife, not angry because she was chosen over me(I know that's always the way but I still have to deal with it)sorry because her husband f*cks around on her and makes her look foolish. My friend said that telling her would be even worse because she'd stay with him and look even worse. So I guess the end is is that I get to feel bad and no one else suffers. I'll learn to deal with that I suppose. You say it's "bad enough I had an adulterous affair" let's not forget that it takes two people to have one. And I refuse to play the "victim"-I was never played-I'm guilty of fooling myself. It just doesn't make in any easier. I ask you-would YOU want to know? I sure as hell would. I will bide my time and wait for my anger to go away before I consider it. I would really not feel comfortable with the "revenge" thing being the major motivator. We'll see. Mr Spock needs to get out of the house this week and meet new people!!
amerikajin Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Well regardless, I haven't spilled the beans. I am just a little angry. I acknowledge that it would hurt the spouse-I'm not planning to call her up. It's just hard to stew here. I'm glad you're thinking this through, and I don't sit in judgment of you for what you've done or haven't done. Nobody here is God. Don't misunderstand me: you do have a right to feel some anger toward him since he misled you to believe that he would leave his wife. Nevertheless, before you even hooked up with him, you should have analyzed the situation more carefully. There's always some lame-ass excuse why married people (men and women alike) can't leave their spouses. "I can't afford it." "She'll get the kids" Whatever. Either you're married or you're not. What happens in a few weeks or months when I'm feeling GUILTY? Because I always felt a little guilty you know-I just really liked him and didn't want to lose the contact. What happens when I will feel the need to confess to absolve myself? It will happen you know, I know me-it's why I'd make a terrible criminal. It's what happens when I do stupid things. Confess to a friend or to a priest. Telling the wife is about the last thing I'd do. You owe her nothing except to let her have her husband back.
4everluvU Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Originally posted by Paradise Having an affair with M/M or M/W and even with G/F or B/F can be emotionally draining. Talking to him will not making things better. You need to walk away and move on.....never look back. We all learn from our mistakes. MY M/M affair for 22 yrs had ended....I'm hurting ...
4everluvU Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Is there anyone whose been with a M/M for a long time? I found out he was on a vacation. Called his work...We are long distance...I'm totally devistated and made sure I wrecked that vacation with a voice mail on cell. Read a love letter over his cell that I wrote in my devistation and never said I knew he was on vacation....but after 6 hours I just had to do it --- I called him a deceitful liar, I knew he was on vacation and not to bother me again......but I'm hurting so bad. Will this ever go away.....I don't know.....
Author Mr Spock Posted June 14, 2004 Author Posted June 14, 2004 Originally posted by amerikajin Well regardless, I haven't spilled the beans. I am just a little angry. I acknowledge that it would hurt the spouse-I'm not planning to call her up. It's just hard to stew here. I'm glad you're thinking this through, and I don't sit in judgment of you for what you've done or haven't done. Nobody here is God. Don't misunderstand me: you do have a right to feel some anger toward him since he misled you to believe that he would leave his wife. Nevertheless, before you even hooked up with him, you should have analyzed the situation more carefully. There's always some lame-ass excuse why married people (men and women alike) can't leave their spouses. "I can't afford it." "She'll get the kids" Whatever. Either you're married or you're not. What happens in a few weeks or months when I'm feeling GUILTY? Because I always felt a little guilty you know-I just really liked him and didn't want to lose the contact. What happens when I will feel the need to confess to absolve myself? It will happen you know, I know me-it's why I'd make a terrible criminal. It's what happens when I do stupid things. Confess to a friend or to a priest. Telling the wife is about the last thing I'd do. You owe her nothing except to let her have her husband back. Yeah except I'm agnostic, and all my friends already know. Some of his too. I'm flip flopping here, I admit it. It's hard to be satisfied with no contact when the other person is probably relieved. And even THEN it's hard not to send an email saying "You're still a bastard-why am I finding it hard to hate you" I can say that if I ever DID make a decision to tell it would be through him. Him confessing is not the same as finding out from someone else.
amerikajin Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I understand that you feel angry, used, hurt. Still, the best thing is to forget about it and move on. There are many hazards of being involved in an extra-marital affair and you're now finding them out firsthand. The only reason you'd tell his wife is so that you could end up getting revenge, but in doing so you'd also be opening up a very painful episode for his wife. It might be poetic justice for her to find out about his indiscretions, but I think that's always something that's best left between two people. Let her find out as she finds out, and in the meantime, just leave both of them alone. It's not your marriage. You were invited by him, but not her.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 I'm trying to remembe that amerikajin. Sometimes it's hard though. When I REALLY feel like doing it I'll post here and you just remind me, ok? Eventually the need will feel less and less. Can I still talk about it with other people though?
amerikajin Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 With your friends? Of course. I mean, I'd be discreet about it, but if you have an inner circle of friends and you want to release, well then by all means do so. I'm not saying you can't express how you feel to people who care, but to purposely expose an illicit relationship just for the sake of revenge isn't the right thing to do - no matter how badly you feel hurt. Spock, I'm a believer in karma: if this guy keeps his zipper open enough times he'll eventually get busted and he'll have to explain that to his wife. Someone else might take revenge - but don't stoop to that level yourself. You're better than that. Besides, you'll find someone one day who'll make you realize what a clown this guy is.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 Ack. Took a friend to areobics, for reinforcement-wife was there of course. I don't have the right to hurt her because I hurt. But, after all my errands were done I was driving past the gas station and saw him filling up. It's SO HARD not to type out an email and fire it off. He certainly hasn't sent one to me since I saw him in person. F*cker. You'd think if he still wanted to be "friends" he'd be curious as to my current emotional state. Crazy? Sane? I'm not ashamed of telling people I got dumped and that's why I'm a bit down or self depricating-I try to avoid mentioning names.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 It's day 4 of no contact for me, and it's hard. I like to be able to express my feelings and I know I need to cut him off completely-cut him out of my life. No friends, no nothing. It's just so HARD not to want to hear from him. I want to tell him exactly how I'm flip flopping on f*cking up his life. I want him to be scared. Not that I WOULD-I just want to make him sweat a little. I can't have him, I can't tell her, I just get to sit here and suffer-can I at least have that? Or should I continue on with the no contact. I'd want Hokey to write that letter anyways. Are you still reading this thread? Can you write something that says "You'll be lucky to get out of this without your life being severely f*cked up?"
amerikajin Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 You'd think if he still wanted to be "friends" he'd be curious as to my current emotional state. Crazy? Sane? What he wants is for you to just somehow go away. He might have reconsidered what his relationship with you was doing to his marriage, although it's unfortunate for you because you were led to believe that there was something between you two. Keep in mind that even if you do spill the beans, the situation might unfold a little differently than expected. She'll undoubtedly be angry at him first, but she might get over it, and she might actually take her frustration out on you. To her, you're not a victim, nor are you a welcomed messenger; you're someone who has invaded her marriage and she will resent that. She will deal with him privately, but on the outside she might go to great lengths to defend what she has with him (or whatever's left anyway). Just something to think about.
Debster Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Your responses appear to be verging on the obsessed. Granted, I know what it is like to lose someone and that break ups are hard and it has only been four days - but I think you are becoming irrational. The pain should be starting to ease, but it seems to getting worse. IMO, you need to go to counselling. While this site and your friends might be helping you, the wounds seems very raw. I don't think you are taking steps to heal, I think you are picking at the scab to keep the wound alive. I do not think you should even consider being friends with him until you are at least yourself again. Even then, I don't really see the point. It is not as if he showed you any concern or care when you needed him. Forget about him and start allowing yourself to move on. Take care of yourself.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 I do tend to be obsessive. I really REALLY liked this guy Debster. THe reason I sound so nuts I suppose is because I allowed this fantasy to build up in my head-my fault, I know. Most of the time I'm ok. Sometimes I'm depressed, sometimes I'm angry. I am hoping that time and friends and fun things to do will allow me to get to a point where I feel nothing in either of their company. I'm not going to tell the wife. I can't do it-I wish I could. I don't have the balls. See, even though for him it was just ending the affair for ME it was like ending a relationship, the daily emails and talking about anything and everything-that's also just cut off for me, which is also hard. I will not break down and email him no matter how much I want to-and the fact I haven't got any reinforces what you all and my friends say. I'm not being friends with him. F*ck that-I should find out what the 'steps to healing' for me would be though. That may help. I try to only post or talk about it to friends when I'm really feeling something. I'm putting alot of energy into exercise and sports. Trying to be active. Trying not to let it occupy every thought of my day!!! I would imagine it is because A.I am used to getting what I want (youngest child syndrome) and B. I cannot fathom who wouldn't want me!!! I hope that doesn't sound stuck up-my self esteem really isn't that high I just like to tell myself that it makes me feel better!!!
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Spock, do you mind if I ask a personal question?: Aside from your relationship with this married man, how have your other past relationships been? I'm wondering if you've had some history with choosing unhealthy partners or any trouble putting closure on relationships in your past…if you've ever had trouble before handling break-ups. Or…is this the first time you've had trouble letting go? Are the feelings of anger and rejection you're now experiencing unique only to this particular situation?
Author Mr Spock Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 I've been single for almost two years-I was in a 4 year relationship before that. It wasn't healthy, but I was too young and naive to recognize it right away. I ended up leaving (literally, I moved out of town) when I realized that things were never going to change unless I did something about it. I'm only 23-he and my last BF are both 37. Actually, MM is 3 months younger. I laughed when I found out. It's like a preferred vintage or something. Yes, I'm that young. But I'm obviously not stupid. Well, other than this whole mess. I don't know why I get so bitter-I'm not like this ALL the time, you only hear from me when I'm having a particularly bad spot of things-I have intense determination and when I want something I really focus in-which is why I'm left here, pouring out my heart (and obsession, I admit it-I admitted to friends actually long ago) to anyone who will listen. I am unsure if I have had problems letting go-by the time I left my last relationship I was so relieved it wasn't funny. We still touch base through email occasionally.
Author Mr Spock Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 I'd also like to point out that I have been intimate with other people in this town-one I run into often enough, and I don't feel anything towards him like I do now. The pain of unrequited love I guess.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 So basically... you've always been the one to leave? You've never had the misfortune of experiencing rejection before?
Author Mr Spock Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 I guess so. Oh, I've pursued people that didn't want me but never have I experienced a sexual relationship of such length where the other person didn't have feelings for me-it's a terrible blow to my ego. And it makes me incredibly sad because I thought this guy had a terrific funny sense of humor, big goofy guy. I'm a goofy girl.
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