Woggle Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I am finally ready to really try and connect with her and maybe drop all this hatred and bitterness. What would be the best way to approach it?
anne1707 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 First of all Woggle, I am so pleased that you have come to this decision. You should see this as a step in the right direction already. As for opening up... It's bound to be tough on you both emotionally - your wife is bound to be concerned that you have been fighting these demons. However I am sure she will want to do all she can to help you (and prove how wrong you are to have doubts). You need to make sure that you do not raise the subject in a way that suggests there is a problem in the marriage so choose your words carefully. This is your problem as you know and you need to make that clear to her - she is bound to worry if you say something like "we need to talk" (so don't say that!). Make sure you have plenty of time to talk and complete privacy. Also allow for the fact that you may both want to take time out to absorb what is being said (and also give each other hugs). This is about how you feel so talk about "I feel...." - don't say "you make me feel..." if it is a negative. Above all else, make it 100% clear that whilst you have fought privately to deal with this stuff, you realise that this is not the way you want to be because you love her and want to spend your life with her. You want to sort yourself out for you (plural). 1
Black Jack Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I am finally ready to really try and connect with her and maybe drop all this hatred and bitterness. What would be the best way to approach it? Being aware of misandrists and other vile women in this world doesn't mean you have hate or bitterness. What I do think you should stop doing is letting other posters dog you on how you feel. That in my opinion, is how you can be more "open" with your wife.
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 Omg...you're now just doing this? And she didn't leave you? Why she stayed with you and put up with your foolishness is beyond me. No woman deserves that, and she should have left you or cheated on you. Give you a REAL reason for your stupid bitterness. You better start treating her the way she deserves or someone else WILL. I admit I have made mistakes but I am trying to become a better person. 3
Star Gazer Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Wog, what is something you would like her to know/understand about you and how you feel? An example will help.
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 I just would like to be able to open up in general. I admit through my life I have seen examples of men opening their hearts to women only to have her shred it but it is not fair to punish her for that. I am tired of being afraid to breathe the wrong way because it might kill her attraction for me.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I'm not sure what this topic is in reference to, I feel like there's something I'm missing so I'll just give general advice on this. Remember one thing; It takes a far greater man to show his vulnerabilities than pretend that nothing makes him feel weak or vulnerable, just to show others how "strong" he is Strength however is not hiding or running away from your fears, It's about facing them and being able to stand confidently regardless of what others say, tease, or put you down What you may be dealing with is vulnerability, and that's something a lot of men deal with. They hold everything inside, express little...the woman thinks nothing affects him or he's fine and then man explodes with flurry of emotion and woman is left confused and doesn't really understand the magnitude of what man is feeling. It's hard to go back from the "I am affected by nothing" to the "I'm feeling something now, can you recognize it?"...and I know this well because this is something I've struggled with myself, and for the past few years at least I've been doing things and learning to express myself as a form of practice so I could learn how to be "vulnerable"...I'm so used to being the tough guy that when something affects me and I want to show it, I don't even know how...and when I make the smallest gesture to other people, it's a huge deal/step for me but for them it's normal, for me It's embarrassing/uncomfortable. However I've come on a long way and I'm much more comfortable and adapted to express myself today and actually divulge quite a bit of sensitive information that before I would have never felt comfortable do, I have a hard time showing "weakness" and I'm not even aware of doing it. I would recommend writing it out, how you feel. This will give you time to articulate your emotions and make sure you are saying the right things and how you want to say them. Then from that point on you can either read that out to your wife or have her read it while in front of you and tell her to just read the entire thing before commenting. The situation you want to avoid is an unstable, uninterrupted verbal conversation where you never get to finish what you're saying or the other person is not listening...in those cases communicating in writing is very effective. The bottom line is you want to say how something makes you feel in detail and why. Just express what you feel and what you go through step by step...for example: Instead of "You constantly do things that make me angry, and I don't know why you keep doing or saying that when I've told you it pisses me off, you never listen to me and you just insist on being persistent" You say "I feel angry and hurt when I feel like I'm being attacked...It makes it hard for me to maintain my patience because after a point I feel like anything I say isn't going to be heard and I need to defend myself" Of course It can be more specific and just your general mood "Sometimes I feel like I'm judged and misunderstood because whenever I express myself It's taken as this, and how I really feel is like this." She's likely going to want to get heated and make a response, I'm sure you're doing somethings wrong as well. Tell her that you know you're doing things that make her upset or to feel attacked, and that you really want to work through this and have a different relationship, be more open with each other and what you feel and are going through, explain how you understand what you're doing that is making her feel that way. Just say all those things you don't want to say because they make you feel like a pussy and you should be fine, without getting upset or feeling so exposed that you start to act up and defend yourself. Being vulnerable to a person who cares about you will not just shoot you down and laugh at you, however you will likely not appreciate the response since you have to remember women develop a mindset of the kind of man you are, It's like a sense of mistrust because you've very likely made her feel hardened and resistant to feeling compassionate towards you. It's an emotional struggle practicing this, and likely what you show is going to feel huge to you and for her just a normal thing you should be willing to express without a dramatic reaction but that's because she doesn't understand what how difficult it is for you to do that, and you have to express that If she feels that way...you have to tell her that If that something really bothers you and makes you feel vulnerable that you would appreciate If she takes it seriously...because she's already conditioned to who you are regardless of what you're saying as well. You can't expect things to change overnight, but you'd be surprised how huge of an impact you can make when you can be honest, communicate and express how you feel to one another, It will bring your level of awareness and consciousness of each others feelings and thoughts instead of just dismissing each other and sticking to your own guns. Explain the "hatred" and "bitterness" to her, she needs to fully understand where this is coming from, how you feel and how it affects you, and ultimately that you're willing to work through it with her or what not. You've got to be vulnerable on a level three times what you are now, It's got to feel embarrassing, mushy, and uncomfortable to do it right. A lot of shooting in the dark here, but that's my 2 cents. 1
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I just would like to be able to open up in general. I admit through my life I have seen examples of men opening their hearts to women only to have her shred it but it is not fair to punish her for that. I am tired of being afraid to breathe the wrong way because it might kill her attraction for me. You are way too damn cute for that to happen! Anne said it just right hon. 1
ForgetMeNots Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Has she ever mentioned about you not opening up before? Well maybe after dinner or some quiet time you can breifly start off going "I know this has nothing to do with you,and may seem kinda random. But I know I havent been very open to you about my feelings. I know I love you and can depend on you. It has been awhile since I have felt comfortable mentioning how I feel but I really want to work on communicating those feelings to you better. Please have patience with me, and thank you for hanging in there through all this while I sorted out my feelings. I really trust you and want to further our bond alittle more." You dont have to speak anything like this,throwing out some ideas for you. But whatever you do say, make sure it is truly how you feel. If you really want to open up to her, you are going to have to be honest to not only her but Yourself. This would be the time to put away all prejudge, pride of sounding silly, and layers of hate and mistrust from past relationships. She is a blank slate to all of what came before her when it came to those past experiences. Now the only thing you can do is be honest and trust in her. Scary as it may be to open your heart and feelings to her, this is part of trusting your partner that should be present in marriage and relationships of getting to know one another and relying on one another. "If there is no trust there is no love." Im sure you love her or you wouldnt be wanting to open up to her as you much as you really want to be letting her in. Let her.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I just would like to be able to open up in general. I admit through my life I have seen examples of men opening their hearts to women only to have her shred it but it is not fair to punish her for that. I am tired of being afraid to breathe the wrong way because it might kill her attraction for me. Woggle, once I learned how to become "sensitive", I'll never go back. I've learned that saying how you feel gets it off your mind and emotions, and you can move on from it rather than holding it inside. I'm already a tough, masculine guy, all of that is already hard-wired and programmed I don't need to worry about losing it, but I realized I did need balanced and I wanted to be closer to the person I was with. I wanted a deeper, more meaningful and connected relationship than I already was good at developing, this would just make it better. So don't worry about that, you're already who you are and this isn't some girl you don't know that you just met and she'll shoot you down thinking you're some over the top sensitive guy who doesn't have a backbone, this is your wife man...you should be giving her your best, put your pride to the side and dive in, don't let fear keep you from being a better man, and husband. 4
soserious1 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Woggle, I think it's great that you're gearing up to take this step! My suggestion would be to start by being totally open with your therapist, tell him/her about your fears, including how you search the internet looking for reasons to not trust your wife. Ask him or her to help you bring your wife into the loop. I'm thinking that being able to level with her, in front of your therapist will ensure that you get maximum support in having this difficult conversation. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I just would like to be able to open up in general. I admit through my life I have seen examples of men opening their hearts to women only to have her shred it but it is not fair to punish her for that. I am tired of being afraid to breathe the wrong way because it might kill her attraction for me. .... Don't just all of a sudden change. Tell her what you are thinking and feeling first. Then open up very slowly. If you do it right this could make things better for both of you. If you do it wrong it could damage your marriage.
Author Woggle Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 We had the conversation and it went very well. First off I apologized for me being distant lately and I told her that I have serious trust issues eating at me and lately they have been eating me more and more. I told that I end up on sites that have a lot of gender hatred and it just puts more and more walls up but I am tired of being this way and the best woman I have ever been involved with deserves better. We talked for about three hours straight and she was actually very understanding. It feels to finally open up and while I don't make promises I am not sure if I can keep I will really make an effort into not being so negative towards the opposite sex. 7
Ruby Slippers Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Wow, what a huge step! I like how you have stood your ground against all the naysayers on this site and made so much progress. It's inspiring!
Professor X Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Grats dude, it's good to hear you started your journey on right foot.
Author Woggle Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Wow, what a huge step! I like how you have stood your ground against all the naysayers on this site and made so much progress. It's inspiring! To be fair I have been at this for a few years but if I keep at this it will probably give me high blood pressure and kill me. It's time for a change. 1
quankanne Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 treat your wife the same as you would hope to be treated ... be honest with what you think or feel, but also learn to temper your words so they aren't little cutting knives, but stepping stones that help guide your dialogue. from everything you've posted in the past, it sounds like your little lady is a one-of-a-kind gem of a woman, and that you can trust her with your heart. As long as you understand that the bedrock of your relationship is love, and base your actions on this, your marriage will succeed because you are caring and considerate and loving and honest with each other.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 We had the conversation and it went very well. First off I apologized for me being distant lately and I told her that I have serious trust issues eating at me and lately they have been eating me more and more. I told that I end up on sites that have a lot of gender hatred and it just puts more and more walls up but I am tired of being this way and the best woman I have ever been involved with deserves better. We talked for about three hours straight and she was actually very understanding. It feels to finally open up and while I don't make promises I am not sure if I can keep I will really make an effort into not being so negative towards the opposite sex. Did anyone remember to bring the Champagne?
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