Julianna Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I am a 52 year old female. Recently received a call from HIS wife advising me of his marital situation. This is after more than 2 years of dating. I did not have a clue that he was married. He told me he was divorced. We saw each other often, spoke daily, traveled together. We were openly public with our relationship...were affectionate in public, his behavior didn't change when we ran into friends, acquaintances, co-workers. (We live in separate cities.) I frequently met him at his place of business for lunch. Its as though no one knew he was married; he had separated a few times in recent years. Now I know the truth. He says he wanted to get caught. I wish he had told me rather than his wife. They are in the process of divorcing. They physically separated within a week of her call. I want to stay with him. I do love him. I know he loves me, and am more confident of that than I was prior to the discovery. Am having difficulty in dealing with some of my emotions, but want to leave the past behind. My child is not an issue - she is married and well established. Obviously I have doubts or I wouldn't be posting. Am interested in learning from your experience. Is it possible to recreate the environment we shared prior to the discovery? Are there secrets to making this easier? Share your thoughts and experience with me, please.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 You'll never be able to trust this man if you choose to stay with him once he's divorced from his wife. How he's treated his wife, lied to her and how he led you to believe he's divorced and 'dated' you for 2 years is proof that he is not an honest or relationship/husband/marriage material. Do you think so little of yourself that you'd allow him to STILL be in your life after he lied, manipulated, made a fool of you for TWO years? Every single day he lived a double life. Purposely played two women. I'm glad his wife will be free so she can find a better man to be with. I wish you'd consider the same and tell this guy to F-OFF and never see or speak to him again. He is very messed up and broken. A person who is intentionally cruel and selfish, not caring whom he hurts is someone you need to stay away from. Again, how could you ever trust him? If you decide to have him in your life be prepared to ride the rollercoaster and wonder who he is talking to, emailing with, texting with, or seeing. End it and walk away. 6
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Is it possible to recreate the environment we shared prior to the discovery? But before 'discovery' everything was based on a LIE. A big fat whopping LIE. No, it's absolutely impossible for things to be as they once were. This man (if you can call him that) is narcissist, a liar, a cheat and is cruel. Don't let your heart and emotions take over. Listen to your gut, listen to your head..Talk to friends and family about this too and even consider counselling to help you see that this guy is not worth the effort. 3
BrighterWashing Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 If you truly don't know then you aren't to blame at all. I mean you weren't consciously the OW. But you have a choice now: Do you want a man capable of living a double life from the beginning? And go so long? Do you want a man pretty much guaranteed to lie and cheat on you too? Because that's what his actions say to me. I know some men have affairs as a mistake and regret it and are less likely to do it again, but this wasn't that kind of affair. If you do want him despite what he's done to you and his wife- how must she feel- what kind of man could do that to her? - what does that say about you? Don't you think you should have an honest man? I mean apart from anything else I could say about him he wasn't honest in the slightest. As a BS it took me weeks to realize I literally couldn't believe a word WH said. If he said it was likely to rain I would check for myself. Everything he said had an agenda until he got clear of the affair and had been NC for a few weeks. I would say that in choosing to try to rebuild at least I had a decade of honesty before the year or lies. She only ever knew him a a liar. As did you with your MM. 2
Prime Vera Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Is it possible to recreate the environment we shared prior to the discovery? You mean the two year period in which he lied to you daily? Yes, you can recreate it simply by being with him. Julianna, a two year long lie isn't a mistake, it's a lifestyle. Anyone who can carry that off is seriously fractured. Going back to the illusion of happiness is like unringing a bell. You are understandably shocked now. When that turns to anger, you may no longer want him. Take some time. Separate from him for now. Let yourself heal. Wait and see where your heart leads you, without pressure from someone you can't trust to be honest. Best wishes. 3
freestyle Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I know you're in pain right now (very sorry for that by the way) BUT---I believe you would be best served by tapping into your inner anger and outrage right now. I'm guessing you're too shocked & stunned to process this fully, at this moment. (understandably) We had another poster here who went through this as well, a two-year relationship (Different cities as well) in which she was led to believe the man was divorced. Reading some of her threads and back story might be helpful to you--her username was BB07. A man who can lie to someone daily for years is NOT going to suddenly change his character. 2
BrighterWashing Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Is it possible to recreate the environment we shared prior to the discovery? Are there secrets to making this easier? Share your thoughts and experience with me, please. Yes it's possible. You forgive and forget, tell yourself you're different, that your relationship is special and that's why he cheated on her. Then you will recreate what you had. And get the same result only next time you'll be the one phoning to tell someone else. Rinse and repeat as many times as you want to recreate a fantasy with no basis in reality or committment. I'm sorry but that type of deception I don't think is a one off. And practice makes perfect. I'm trying to forgive my H and that's hard enough even with just 4 or 5 encounters to deal with and a year of text and email. A full on double life? That's something else. Jmo
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