Respect my feelings = do what I say?

[Diamonds&Rust]

I often see posters here interpret their partner's behaviors or attitudes that conflict with the poster's as disrespect for their feelings. Instead of talking about female friends or pornography or privacy, I'll just use the example of wearing neckties. I realize that it's not a good example, because of how superficial that life choice is, but I also don't want to digress here into individual behaviors that sometimes cause conflict in a relationship.

 

But, just going with it, imagine a man who enjoys wearing neckties and a woman who can't stand her partner doing so. Also imagine an otherwise great partnership, where both make compromises and communicate earnestly. She pleads with him to make this small sacrifice, because it really disrupts the intimacy for her when she has to overlook the necktie. Perhaps it reminds her of her unavailable father, who was always straightening his tie and rushing out the door for work. Maybe she thinks its a symbol of conformity and materialism, and wants to imagine that her man transcends that crap. Whatever, like I said, it's not a great example and was chosen only to avoid controversy over specifics.

 

The man considers the necktie integrative to his personal style, and has explained as best he can that it's not something he wants to change. After all, he has worn neckties even before adulthood. He considers it a symbol of togetherness and poise, and it may even remind him of his own father who was noble and hardworking. He believes that she should continue to overlook the behavior, or make more of an effort to accept him.

 

As the disagreement calcifies, the emotions underneath get more intense and less tolerable. She then claims, sincerely, that he doesn't respect her feelings because he can't understand why it bothers her and persists in doing something that would be quite easy for him to change. Is she right?

 

Is there a difference between taking responsibility for someone's feelings and having respect for them? Is it right to demand someone change because you feel a certain way, and to interpret it as emotional disrespect if they don't agree to?

 

I chose the woman to be the one who plays the respect-my-feelings card, because most of the posters that I see do this are women. I don't think it's an intrinsically female thing to do, but I do imagine that women may be more socialized to phrase things in these terms. Men are not stereotypically conditioned to demand that others respect how they feel. However, I readily acknowledge that this phenomena is not unique to women.

 

The purpose of this otherwise-worthless example is to illustrate my belief that both parties have feelings and respecting them is important to maintaining intimacy but also largely unrelated to the actual resolution of any conflict. It seems that anyone who equivocates not respecting feelings with not behaving in a way that conforms to the expectations born of those feelings is just as guilty of not respecting their partner's feelings, if that's how it's chosen to be defined.

 

Moving onto the contentious examples, a man who felt that viewing pornography was private and wholly unrelated to infidelity is having his feelings not respected by a woman who disagrees and takes such a behavior personally. Or, if that's too egregious, a partner of either gender who feels strongly that being in a relationship shouldn't interfere with associations with the opposite sex that they consider appropriate and non-threatening is also not having their feelings respected by a partner who requires avoidance of those associations.

 

My point isn't that either partner is right or wrong in these scenarios, only that (to some) it seems logically impossible in some cases to both respect someone's feelings and also behave in a way that doesn't necessarily make those feelings go away or that is otherwise aligned with what the supposedly-disrespected partner expects.

 

I don't wish to pass judgment on those who use the term respect my feelings as another term for the demand on a partner that they yield to them. At least not here. Instead, I'd like to hear how people came to have that belief.

 

Of course, if you're of the opinion that respecting one's feelings simply means making an effort to understand someone's feelings and does not necessarily impact anyone's behavior, you're welcome to post also. I just want this to be a safe space for those who interpret respect in this way.

 

I really don't understand it and I would like to. I can imagine where this belief may come from, but it seems manipulative to me and I'd like to understand it better. Again, I imagine it's mostly women who feel this way, but I acknowledge readily that there may be men who agree with this reasoning.

 

Thoughts?

Edited March 17, 2012 by Diamonds&Rust
a few misplaced words

[watsluvgot2dowitit]

I think you're over analyzing;). Furthermore,where relationships are concerned, feelings and respect go hand in hand. Example: A woman has a male bestfriend that she has known for 8 years before her husband.The relationship has always been strictly platonic and she has assured her husband of this. Sometime in the marriage the husband begins to feel uncomfortable with their friendship and ask that she stop hanging out with her male bf. The wife objects and continues to hang with the male bf. The husband begins to feel that she has no respect for him because if she did she would have stopped hanging out with male bf when he stated how he felt about their friendship. The example I gave shows it has nothing to do with what is appropriate as far as having friendship is concerned but about what the spouse feels as the wife's friendship isn't disrespectful at all, but to the husband it is.These types of forums exist because of feelings and because someone feels lack of respect due to wrongful spouse not making necessary changes. Even if they phrased it a different way the context would still be the same.

[CC12]

The example I gave shows it has nothing to do with what is appropriate as far as having friendship is concerned but about what the spouse feels as the wife's friendship isn't disrespectful at all, but to the husband it is.

 

This is almost exactly the same as the necktie example. It's one spouse potentially giving up something harmless because their partner is unhappy with it.

 

Whenever something is framed as "if you respect me, you'll do this," it does feel like manipulation. If one had solid, logical reasons to ask a certain behavior be stopped, they would use those reasons instead of an emotional ultimatum like "respect my feelings." If those feelings are unwarranted, how are they to be respected?