Author ThaWholigan Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 The funny thing is that you seem to be taking all of these extensive precautions to prevent you from becoming delusional about yourself, yet this very thinking is nonsensical and delusional in itself. This is apparent because you often always equal positivity with delusion or false realism, and I believe that says quite a bit. It's also a damn surefire way to trap yourself into a way of thinking where it's always going to be a lose/lose situation. Very clever. In my opinion, the concept of reality, its subjectivity and whether it can ever be truly 'determined' in an objective manner is irrelevant. So much so that I'd even go on to say it barely has anything to do with the subject at hand; it's simply a discussion that one can delve into if you decide to veer slightly off-topic. The 'meat and bones' of the thread is being able to change one's outlook, which we all know is somewhat possible. We've all seen it. And you've said it yourself: humans were created to be social and impressionable animals. But the science of the human brain and the flexibility of their nature extends both ways. Going by your above statement that humans were created to be impressionable/socialized, and if this is actually true for situations in which people find their negativity reinforced, then the opposite must be able to exist as well. Which means they can be impressed upon and socialized to be more positive as well. So, honestly, this in turn means it's possible to change your way of thinking if you find the necessary strength to change and to begin genuinely accepting positive reinforcement -- from both yourself and others. Verhrzn, so many of us have tried to positively reinforce the idea that you are perfectly fine looks-wise, and that you're not such a bad person when you're actually being personable and not complaining. You're still rather young, and you've got so much life to live that you've not experienced yet because you're always so worried about what others think. I promise you that one of the best things you can do is sometimes to put yourself first, and to learn to accept things as they are. This doesn't mean looking at life with a negative perception, but rather accept the challenges you face and learn to do the best you can as an individual... Interesting post. Basically one can be too smart for your own good. I hear that. I have a friend who is quite possibly the smartest person I have ever known. He's a dear friend and have known him for years, but he is sometimes so smart that he undermines himself at times, and combine that with a growing volatility and you have the makings of a truly troubled genius. I think that when it comes to girls, I have defeated myself on more than one occasion. If I had a better understanding of myself, enough that I didn't focus so much on me in the interaction and more on her, I would probably have gotten an even more positive response than normal. I don't know whether it is my looks or whatever that has gotten me in the door on those occasions but I am aware that I have subconsciously sabotaged my own efforts. It is likely that most guys do this IMO. This is why it is often better to be positive, because when you are interacting with people you actually put more in and feel satisfied, and thus you are easier on yourself and come away from the interaction without thinking "ARGH, SHE/HE REJECTED ME :(".
Red Arremer Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Well my hope is by my 30's I'll have abandoned this need for human connection, particularly a romantic relationship. Life would be so, so much better if I could align what I want with who I am... If I stopped wanting friends and a boyfriend, since I am incapable of acquiring them. Or I hope to be dead, preferably in a way that would save someone else. (Not meant to be self-pitying, trying to go for dark humor.) Aaahhhhh, I remember thinking I'd stop caring before I hit 30. Those were good times, indeed. *wistful sigh* I'm not trying to attack you or anything. I just hope that my experiences may save others from ending up like me.
Professor X Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Optimism brings disappointment. Expectations brings disappointment. And for you Verhzn, let's just hope you won't decide one day to get rid of your life cause the negativity is to overwhelming.
betterdeal Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Pessimism results in more accurate interpretations of external events, whereas optimism results in better physical health. Maybe the answer to the OP is not an exclusive or, but to be yourself. Sometimes you may feel pessimistic, others optimistic. Sometimes you have a good feeling about life, events, people; others you have a bad feeling. Life isn't all rainbows and ponies, and it isn't all drizzle and road kill. It's everything from one to the other. At its very basic, being optimistic is saying "things are going to be okay" and pessimistic is saying "things are not going to be okay". When things are okay, when you're crossing the road and there's no traffic for miles, you can take it easy. When a car comes belting around the corner, it's time to get your skates on. Obviously being relaxed and taking it easy is less stressful, but we need stress, to grow, be healthy, live long lives. We need both stress and relaxation. There's good pain and bad pain. Good relaxation and bad relaxation. Find the balance, adjust according to taste, be yourself. 1
somedude81 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Balance? For balance to occur, there must be something to counteract the bad, joy must be present. But when good things don't happen, but are actually replaced by bad things instead of nothing happening, how does one manage to think optimistically at all?
betterdeal Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I think you know the replies you'll get to that question, so I won't repeat them, again. I will say that when I was in the depths of severe depression, friends were crucial for my recovery. I think there are studies that show social interaction and affection - plain old TLC - are the most important factors for elevating someone's mood from a depressed state.
somedude81 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Severe depression pretty much describes how I'm feeling tonight. Damn, I can't even remember the last time I've been TLC'd. Hmm, I can see how having friends might make things easier. I'm just so used to dealing with things by myself, and it's obvious how that's working.
kassy Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hi Haven't read most of the posts but thought that this article I read earlier today might be worthwhile posting: Is happiness the secret of success? - CNN.com_ My personal opinion (stolen from somewhere I can't remember), it's better to shoot for the stars and miss, than aim for your foot and hit it. Honestly, life is just more fun when you are optimistic... and I like having fun and being around fun people. Don't you? Why be so concerned about these aspects of what is reality to each of us... seems to be a bit pedantic and quite pointless and self-defeating. What a horrible existence you must have to think like that.
Meeks7 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Severe depression pretty much describes how I'm feeling tonight. Damn, I can't even remember the last time I've been TLC'd. Hmm, I can see how having friends might make things easier. I'm just so used to dealing with things by myself, and it's obvious how that's working. I think I read somewhere on this board before that you're basically a lone wolf? You have no friends? That's part of the issue. If I recall right, you also live alone, yes? No roomies? It sounds like you're just going to school, going to work (part time), and then coming home alone, day after day, night after night, stuck in your own negative perspectives. It's time to make some friends, dude! Get around positive people. Find folks that can walk with you and help lift you up. It doesn't matter if it's a guy. In fact, you NEED guy friends. Just don't stay isolated. But we could tell you this all day long. If you don't take steps to making some friends, none of these words will help. So let's ask some questions. 1. Is it true that you have no friends? 2. If so, how do you feel about this? 3. Do you think making (quality) friends can at least bring you SOME degree of joy, no matter how small? 4. If so, what is holding you back from making friends? 5. When was the last time you had a group of friends in your life, and why did that group fall apart? (assuming your answer to Q1 is "I have no friends right now") Just trying to understand your mindset and why you're not attempting to do something that could steer you in a much more positive direction.
zengirl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Re: Pessimism and Optimism From the psychology I've read, pessimistic thoughts CAN have benefits yes, but they tend to be short-term benefits, whereas optimists have longer term benefits. Really, people need to exercise their brains to be open to both kinds of thoughts, generally, but someone who is already deeply pessimistic or rigidly optimistic (the optimist probably isn't going to change, honestly) doesn't need to 'work' on the side they're already on -- just the other. Pessimism is more helpful in short bursts and its most helpful trait is problem-anticipation. I would say you CAN be an optimist overall and engage in problem anticipation without worry; it's rare, and most people who do it are 'trained' to do so --- it's not a natural strategy that is common for people to adopt on their own. I think the people most effective at doing so would be former pessimists, frankly. They have already developed the problem-anticipation skills that serve pessimists well, but they can develop both their problem-solving skills and an attitude of gratitude and hope that allows them to improve problematic situations. I can see how natural optimists would need to improve their ability to seek problems, but I don't think any stats suggest people benefit from wallowing in problems, even most functioning pessimists. Well I do have an interest in other people, the problem is, if it's not an interest I have, I get lost trying to talk about it. I just end up asking a bunch of questions because I know nothing about the topic... which gets other people talking, sure, but then they get no sense of who I am besides a cardboard cutout who asks questions like a computer program. Okay, example: I went to a St. Patty's Day party on Saturday. There was a woman there who started talking about her blueberry wine. I have NO idea how to make wine. I had nothing to add to the conversation except questions, or mundane nice comments like: "Oh that's interesting!" I love conversations like that from both sides! I love learning about a person and their interests, and in turn learning new things, and I love sharing things I know that someone else may not! Why are those not good conversations? I would never think someone had no personality because they asked me questions about my hobby. As you get answers to the questions, you can ask more specific questions and speculate on it. That's how most social interactions go -- sure, there are times when you both like the same things and know about those things, but I would say it's more common for social interaction to favor one person's knowledge. Granted, it flips back and forth most times. The other thing, I really LOVE deep emotional conversations. In those, I am VERY interested in the other person. But those kinds of conversations make even long-term friends uncomfortable. They don't wanna examine their soul; they just want to have fun. Deep emotional conversations should be unprompted, yes. Try something else. If you are unhappy (in general and general you), this is always the best advice. Trying the same thing again gets you to the same place after all. 1
Author ThaWholigan Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Re: Pessimism and Optimism From the psychology I've read, pessimistic thoughts CAN have benefits yes, but they tend to be short-term benefits, whereas optimists have longer term benefits. Really, people need to exercise their brains to be open to both kinds of thoughts, generally, but someone who is already deeply pessimistic or rigidly optimistic (the optimist probably isn't going to change, honestly) doesn't need to 'work' on the side they're already on -- just the other. Pessimism is more helpful in short bursts and its most helpful trait is problem-anticipation. I would say you CAN be an optimist overall and engage in problem anticipation without worry; it's rare, and most people who do it are 'trained' to do so --- it's not a natural strategy that is common for people to adopt on their own. I think the people most effective at doing so would be former pessimists, frankly. They have already developed the problem-anticipation skills that serve pessimists well, but they can develop both their problem-solving skills and an attitude of gratitude and hope that allows them to improve problematic situations. I can see how natural optimists would need to improve their ability to seek problems, but I don't think any stats suggest people benefit from wallowing in problems, even most functioning pessimists. This post is superb . I would love to add more but it's just so accurate
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