mittk Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I am far from a teenager (I’m in my late twenties, in fact), yet part of this dilemma reminds me of emotional games kids in school play. Regardless, here it is. I met this girl about three months ago. We met in an activity group and hit it off as friends. We started hanging out and ended up dating. None of us expected it. No sex happened. After a month, she said we were moving too fast and we should remain friends instead. I liked her a lot of course, but I accepted it. I don’t have many friends in this area so I was excited to have met someone I actually had things in common with. After a week of silence post-breakup, we started chatting again as friends. Conversation was flowing, we would text eachother every few days and the mood was friendly. There was no pressure to hang out, we shared personal stuff and the tone was very supportive. In the month that followed, we even met up a couple times and hung out as friends. Recently, she’s gone quiet. And I don’t know how to interpret this. This is the breakdown of events. 2.5 weeks ago we chat at length, as usual, about our personal lives, what’s going on etc. At that point, we agree to meet up to finish watching a documentary we both have professional interest in and we started but couldn’t finish earlier. After that, I don’t hear from her for little over a week, then I get in touch to share news of a big trip I was planning. At that point, she is very terse in responding. I tell her to check in when she gets a minute to which she responds she would be in touch the next day. She does not do it. But, of course, she might be busy. The following day I ask her if everything’s ok with her and she says, very politely, she has been extremely busy with work. At this point, she is a lot less communicative yet polite, being a lot more more guarded about talking. Again, she says she’d follow up. It’s been a few days with no word from her. Now, this is my issue. We are friends – I would say good friends – so she does not owe me anything in terms of being in touch with me, but this change of heart and silence is very unlike the friendly dynamics we used to have. I understand work might be getting in the way. The tough thing is, because we are relatively “new” friends, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries so I don’t know the politics of whether I should follow up with her and ask her about this or whether this is normal between friends and I should just wait for things to fall into place. I initiated communication every time for the past ten or so days. Because of Facebook, I know she is making plans with other friends. So, should I wait – if she wants to chat she will contact me – or should I actually ask her about this silence? And if so, when is appropriate to do this?
snug.bunny Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 After a month, she said we were moving too fast and we should remain friends instead. She doesn't foresee having a 'relationship' with you. After that, I don’t hear from her for little over a week, then I get in touch to share news of a big trip I was planning. I tell her to check in when she gets a minute to which she responds she would be in touch the next day. She does not do it. The following day I ask her if everything’s ok with her and she says, very politely, she has been extremely busy with work. Again, she says she’d follow up. It’s been a few days with no word from her.I initiated communication every time for the past ten or so days.You're still actively pursuing her romantically by doing this, after she said she doesn't want a relationship. So, should I wait – if she wants to chat she will contact me – or should I actually ask her about this silence? And if so, when is appropriate to do this?From a woman's perspective, it's similar to when women sense a man is becoming 'distant', by calling less and/or not being proactive in terms of seeing her. Women are cautioned not to 'bring it up' if/when this happens, as to not 'rock the boat'. In your case, she's already deemed she doesn't foresee a relationship with you, so I think asking her about her 'disinterest' at this juncture, would be futile. I know it's a hard thing to accept and you want 'answers', but for whatever reason, her interest in you isn't strong enough to move forward into 'relationship territory'.
Author mittk Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 I understand she does not want a relationship with me, and I have already started looking to date others. However, the friendship thing is what is baffling. For a whole month we were great friends, super supportive, and then, for the past week, she has not acknowledged it. I don't want her to date me again, I just thought I had found a great new friend in this new area. Friends don't have to talk every day, sure, but suddenly I've become the only one in this friendship to actually put any effort into it...
snug.bunny Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I understand she does not want a relationship with me, and I have already started looking to date others. However, the friendship thing is what is baffling. For a whole month we were great friends, super supportive, and then, for the past week, she has not acknowledged it. I don't want her to date me again, I just thought I had found a great new friend in this new area. Friends don't have to talk every day, sure, but suddenly I've become the only one in this friendship to actually put any effort into it... I see what you're saying. I have friendships that have been ongoing for the majority of my life, and there has been mutual support throughout. But there are also periods, where we do not talk for prolonged periods of time because each of us our busy in our own respective lives. There are also times, where one puts forth more effort and at other times, the other way around. You will come to learn that interaction is not always a constant but that in some cases, at the end of the day you know you can count on them if/when the chips are down. Now, she very well may not be the type of person who sustains such friendships, or for whatever reason, the two of you just aren't meant to be 'friends'. If you feel you are putting too much effort into the friendship, whereas she isn't, then that is when you need to re-evaluate expectations and go from there.
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