fmlgirl Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 This is a very long story with a lot of intense complications but I will try to make it as concise as possibile. I lived in Italy for 3 years and on the last year of my time abroad I met a 21 year old post man and fell in love with him. ( I am 24 ) We moved in together after only 3 months and shared a relationship of extreme ups and downs for a year until I moved back to the US. The issue is he is an extremely jealous person, and at the beginning of our relationship he opened my email and found some nude pictures I had sent to some people (SENT BEFORE WE STARTED DATING). Having found this, he became extremely paranoid and jealous and this became a common theme throughout the rest of our relationship together. At a certain point, after much fighting, I agreed to delete my facebook and not use the internet very much because he associated my 'chatting' online with the questionable photos he had found. Anyway, the issue is this. Even though I moved back to America, (it has been 5 months) he and I are still in contact on a daily basis, and he has been begging me to come back to live with him in Italy. All of my friends think I am crazy because they all believe he is abusive and controlling, but I really do love him and it is hard to deny his invitation to return to Italy. My mother hates him and he is not invited to America to stay with us, but it doesn't matter anyway because he doesn't have a passport. I feel extremely guilty leaving him alone in Italy and I miss him terribly, so I am really considering moving back. I know people will probably say that he will never change but after talking to him about the reasons our relationship didn't work, he has recognized my position and has agreed to work on it with me if I agree to return.....but that's where I am lost. I don't want to stop talking to him because then I will lose him completely, but moving back to Italy is a very big decision and I don't know what to do because a lot of people will be shocked that I decided to go back to him. Any advice or feedback about this? Thank you so much.
zanzi Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 To me it sounds as though he is much to controlling, telling you what you should do like that, and using guilt to make you feel bad about yourself. Your mother and presumably your family dislike him for a reason- if your own mother doesnt think he is good for you, she is probably right. She will always care for you whearas men will come and go. Is this guy thinking about your happiness, or is he being a downer on you? This may be only the beggining, he could turn out to be abusive too. Thats just the impression.
leoc1973 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Well here is the thing. I am an italian american and my dad is from italy. Its a cultural thing. The same way the italian men hoot and hollar at you in the street. From what I know in an italian family the women are still like women of the 50's the men are men and the women are women. My dad was very controlling and jealous of my mom but its because we are just a lot smarter than other men we know that if a woman is chatting with other guys sooner or later "feelings" are going to form. Just kidding but seriously it really is a cultural thing its not like he is damaged or anything its just the way it is with them. Actually its funny tho cause I always gave my girlfriends freedom to do what ever they want and talk to whomever they want and they just keep cheating.... hmmm... But there are good things that come with "us" Italians. We love with all our hearts and when we are in love we are completely in love. Ever hear the saying a man will treat their wives the way they treat their mothers? Well I will bet he loves his Momma! We are men that will die for you and I think that we just want to be loved that way back thats where the problems come with jealousy. Did he know how much you loved him? Another thing is don't take advice from friends and family here because they just don't wanna lose their girl. If you guys get married he would be able to move here. By the way if you end up back in italy drop by Calabria for me and say hi to my cousins!!
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Well, I too am half Italian, half British, and female, and I'm telling you, however much you might be led to believe this is cultural thing, it's not. true; traditional roles are valued in Italy, and people are still in a mindset of gender separation when it comes to jobs, careers, raising a family, connection with elders... but this guy is a mysogynistic nut-job, and you need to avoid him like the plague. Tell me - if he was American, would you be excusing his behaviour? would you be making allowances? Why would you consider even talking to a man like this - simply becausew he's Italian? If he was a native-born American, you'd be taking every step possible to distance yourself from him. Instead, because there's the romantic, over-seas, latino, glamorous, beautiful country package all sewn in - you're actually thinking of returning to a man who quite clearly didn't treat you the way he should. Add a scenario: would you let your daughter do this? Please - be sensible. think with your head, not your rose-spectacled heart..... Non fare la scema, comportati da donna matura, non una ragazzina senza cervello!!
Author fmlgirl Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Well here is the thing. I am an italian american and my dad is from italy. Its a cultural thing. The same way the italian men hoot and hollar at you in the street. From what I know in an italian family the women are still like women of the 50's the men are men and the women are women. My dad was very controlling and jealous of my mom but its because we are just a lot smarter than other men we know that if a woman is chatting with other guys sooner or later "feelings" are going to form. Just kidding but seriously it really is a cultural thing its not like he is damaged or anything its just the way it is with them. Actually its funny tho cause I always gave my girlfriends freedom to do what ever they want and talk to whomever they want and they just keep cheating.... hmmm... But there are good things that come with "us" Italians. We love with all our hearts and when we are in love we are completely in love. Ever hear the saying a man will treat their wives the way they treat their mothers? Well I will bet he loves his Momma! We are men that will die for you and I think that we just want to be loved that way back thats where the problems come with jealousy. Did he know how much you loved him? Another thing is don't take advice from friends and family here because they just don't wanna lose their girl. If you guys get married he would be able to move here. By the way if you end up back in italy drop by Calabria for me and say hi to my cousins!! This is my justification. He is from Southern Italy as well...Lecce area in Puglia and his approach to love is extremely traditional. He comes from a town of 2000 people in an area of mostly farmland...where I am from Southern California and was raised in a completely different world. I love him a lot, and it kills me that he is in Italy in our house alone... I don't know anyone that agrees with my moving back.. But a part of me really doesn't care... I hope I'm not making the wrong choice..
leoc1973 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 ya know I think we need a little more information. controlling and abusive? Like did he hit you? verbally abuse you? or did he ask you not to chat on facebook with a guy or guys that you have sent nude pictures to? not only is it cultural but you are also dealing with a 21 year old guy. They are all jealous. He is still a baby in the grand scheme of things. I know that it is Italy and its a long ways away but its not mars, its not a one way trip. To go to italy for someone is huge so you must be completely in love with him and that is alone worth another try. You can always come back. Oh and Italians are not latino. Thats like saying someone from brittan is black.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Sorry you're right.... I meant Latino as in 'Latin lover'... the fundamental basis of the Italian language, is Latin. He's only 21... he's still a mamma's boy, too.... Good god woman, there isn't a single person who you've spoken to who thinks this is a good, wise idea, including me (I'm old enough to be your mamma - and his!) and yet you're thinking of going ahead anyway? This is a classic example of you thinking with your heart, not your head....! Fine, if you want to go - go. just for goodness' sake - leave yourself a way out. do not agree to anything that would bind you legally to anything in Italy. When it comes to looking after their own, the Italians are world masters.....
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