TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 ....But I don't know, maybe I'm being stupid (which I probably am), but I do see that she just sincerely wants me to get along with him. no, she wants you to accept him - beating your head in and all. that's unacceptable. And I try to tell myself that she's chosen him over me, but then she tells me things like "you're the only I want, I'm in YOUR bed every night, I'm on YOUR side, he had me and lost me, I'm yours now etc etc". this is pleading to your softer side... all this, I'm in your bed now, etc., is just feminine wiles and guilt-trip reasoning. And as a woman, I can say that with confidence. We women may not be much on the play-fisticuffs, scratching balls and shoulder-punching - but we still know what it takes to pull a guy's heartstrings. And boy, she's playing a concerto... So sometimes I don't know what to think. There comes a point when I have to walk away though...I'm just having a hard time with it. I guess I should just tell her "choose once and for all?". But then at that point she'll ask me to tell her how long she should do the no-contact thing with him. What do I say to that? Answer: "for however long our relationship is going to last. up to you. do not put this one in my court. either give it up completely, or give me up. that's my final word."
CC12 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 The only reason I'm even still with her is because she has listened to me in the sense that she doesn't go to his house anymore, she has limited contact, etc etc. Hm. I don't know about that, because in your OP you said you asked her to stop seeing him and she agreed to, but three weeks later they were contacting each other again. And on another occasion, you gave her the go-ahead to see him as long as she didn't go to his house and she went there anyway. I guess I should just tell her "choose once and for all?". But then at that point she'll ask me to tell her how long she should do the no-contact thing with him. What do I say to that? If you say "choose him or me," and her response is, "Okay, I choose you, but for how long do I have to do that?" then she is not ready for a relationship. You've been more than patient, but you both have different ideas of proper boundaries and I don't think either of you will change your minds. 1
LZ2000 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Siber, honestly I truly feel that you should immediately go into No Contact with your girlfriend now if you can. Because I do believe the presence of your girlfriend and her ex is messing up your emotional equilibrium after all that has taken place. It would do wonders to calm you down and look at things more rationally. If you can't you may want to arrange some time for yourself to be alone and do stuff on your own, usually things that you'll like to do.
Author sibernox Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 this is pleading to your softer side... all this, I'm in your bed now, etc., is just feminine wiles and guilt-trip reasoning. And as a woman, I can say that with confidence. We women may not be much on the play-fisticuffs, scratching balls and shoulder-punching - but we still know what it takes to pull a guy's heartstrings. And boy, she's playing a concerto... you have a way with words. women can be really manipulative eh? Hm. I don't know about that, because in your OP you said you asked her to stop seeing him and she agreed to, but three weeks later they were contacting each other again. And on another occasion, you gave her the go-ahead to see him as long as she didn't go to his house and she went there anyway. yeah, it's like she's never really fully committed 100% to not seeing him. I just do sincerely feel bad to make her lose a friend (if that is all their relationship is...), but I just cannot deal with it. And I find it so unfair of her to try to pin this on me and my insecurities. But I mean, pretty much everyone I've talked to has been on my side on this. I don't find that I'm being unreasonable at all, but she doesn't understand why the relationship is inappropriate. And she's always got the same arguments with "we can all go back to being friends" and "you were so nice to him before" and "why don't you just sit down and talk to him?". She actually wants me to sit down and talk to the guy. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?
Author sibernox Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 she's coming over later. i'll sit her down and talk to her and we'll see what happens.
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Oh, "the talk"? Don't you mean "The ultimatum"....? I guess I should just tell her "choose once and for all?". But then at that point she'll ask me to tell her how long she should do the no-contact thing with him. What do I say to that? Answer: "for however long our relationship is going to last. up to you. do not put this one in my court. either give it up completely, or give me up. that's my final word."
Author sibernox Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Oh, "the talk"? Don't you mean "The ultimatum"....? yeah, you're right. I just hate the word 'ultimatum'. I don't like feeling like a controlling boyfriend. But I guess there comes a time when every man has to grow some balls. I just hope I'll have an answer for every argument she brings up.
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 you only need one answer. "I don't like it. You know i don't like it. Your choice." it's exactly like asking the closing question in a sales pitch. you state your piece. You then don't elaborate, diversify, add, comment or speak. you - shut - up. the first person to break the silence, loses. (I got a great sale that way, but it took me 15 minutes of complete silence to do it. but i clinched the deal.)
Author sibernox Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 we were just hangin out earlier browsing her Facebook and se received a message from Him. I asked her if he sends her lots of FB messages and she said yeah. I asked her of I could see them and she said "no, you need to trust me. This isn't healthy for our relationship" and "you know how proud I would have been if you had just let it go?". Wtf am I supposed to say to that?
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 OH FFSake!!! DUMP HER!!! What the hell is wrong with you?! what the hell happened in your talk, you were supposed to have?! Jeesh, please - don't be a fekkin' doormat, man!!! ENOUGH is ENOUGH!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
Almond_Joy Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 OH FFSake!!! DUMP HER!!! What the hell is wrong with you?! what the hell happened in your talk, you were supposed to have?! Jeesh, please - don't be a fekkin' doormat, man!!! ENOUGH is ENOUGH!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: ^^^This. Your gf's being selfish. This isn't about you trusting her. This is about her respecting the relationship you two have. She's not doing that. Walk. Seriously. You need to walk. Let her get back with her ex, or rebound with someone else. You're being strung along and disrespected. You know this, and still you stay. Her half-assed attempts to limit contact are insulting. This thread makes me so angry for you.....at this point you've made it clear you don't like the contact between them on SEVERAL ocassions, not just with one talk. Yet you stay, and allow her put your desires second to those of her ex. If she can't see how damaging this friendship is to her romantic relationships, she's not ready to be with anyone romantically. She needs to be single, or to work out her feelings for this ex once and for all. I feel really bad for you also. You're not doing yourself or her any favors by complaining and not taking action to back it up. You deserve someone committed to a serious relationship, since that's what you're offering. Break up. Good luck. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 If you don't dump her sorry-ass within the next 48 hours, then I know you never will - not even when you find her in your bed with him. which, given your inability to say what you mean, and mean what you say, is predictable, and wouldn't surprise me.... Sad, man. Really sad.
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