Ghaleon Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Hi, I have been with my wife for 6 years and have been married to her for 3. We have a lot in common so there is no problem on that front. Before we married she cheated on me with 2 different guys. When she came out and admitted it she was tore up but then didn't know if she wanted to stay with me or with the last one she was seeing, finally after a lot of fighting for her and such we stayed together. We got married a few months later. My parents gave us a house with no bills, everything furnished. She had a car given to her by her parents and I fixed it up and put new tires and everything on it. I always surprised her with gifts and loved on her and such. She came from a family that she felt didn't appreciate her because they could be mean to her at times and she was never given much. She took up with my family right away and my parents treated her like a daughter, they gave her anything she wanted. Well I couldn't let things go and I would get mad at times and argue because it hurt so bad that she cheated on me. She swore to me that she would never do it again because she couldn't stand to see me go through that pain again. Well she was talking to this guy as a friend and the next thing you know they got closer and closer. I asked her to cut off communication with him and she would swear that she did but then I would find texts from him telling her that he loved her. Then one night she came home and I found another phone in her purse and it was loaded with texts between him and her. They had been conducting an affair for a few months at the time. She told me she was in love with him and it went for awhile and finally she said she wanted to work things out with me and that she would cut him off. Her birthday month came up and I showered her with gifts every day and loved her and everything thing and made every day feel like her birthday. When I gave her her actual birthday present she broke down and cried because she said it was so beautiful. The next night she got a text from that guy saying he loved her. Well one day I left for school and when I came home most of the stuff in the house was gone and so was she. She said she moved out and would come back if I made changes. Well she came back for a week to stay with me for my birthday and she got sick and I waited on her and nursed her back to health and then when I woke up the next morning she was gone with the rest of the stuff. She moved 2 hours away and was living with this guy she had an affair with and his ex wife. The guy can't live on his own, he has to have his ex pay his bills, his teeth are about rotted out, he doesn't have a drivers license because of felonies. She kept lying to me and telling me that she was living with 2 girls. Then finally she admitted to living with them. Well my aunt was giving me a tanning bed to help with my wifes knees because she has bad knees. I told her about it and she said to get it because she would be back. Then I got her a ring set for Christmas and my parents got her a very nice jacket for Christmas. She came up for our family get together at Christmas but she said I wasn't allowed at her parents this year and wouldn't tell me why. She left the next morning to have Christmas with the other two but she kept telling me it was with "the girls". One night she called and said she was packing up and thinking about coming home. The next day I called her and she said she was still thinking about it but she had closed our bank account and opened herself a new one. Then she got her mail forwarded to there. I blocked her for a week and during that week she stalked me on Facebook. When I talked to her on the 7th day she admitted that she was stalking me on there but when she felt she was in control she went back to saying she just wanted to be friends with me and that she was confused. Then her mom cut her phone off. Now she can only talk on Facebook. She told me on there that her and this guy are just really good friends and that she wants to do things on her own and find her own way back and all this and then says "I'm not cheating or looking anymore" and then says that she "thinks she is a sex addict" and that she is "addicted to the feeling of new relationships". A week ago she went on Facebook and changed her status from married to me to It's Complicated. Then turned around that same day and added a bunch of my close friends and added my mom to her family wall as her mother in law. A few days later she puts a post up that says she had the best 2 days ever, she went out and had a makeover with the ex wife and then went motorcycle riding with the guy shes with and that she wishes he didn't have to work that night. I still love her because I deeply care for her and I feel she has problems because of her family but I am at a loss at what to do. I haven't refrained from contacting her for 4 weeks now trying to out wait her. I don't know what she wants and I don't know how to end this separation. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Author Ghaleon Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 I just really love her and feel that I will never find someone that has as much in common with me. I feel like she is a victim of her environment from growing up with parents that was hard on her and her sister is just like her, she lies and cheats. All of her family on both sides have mental illness. You have to talk to her parents like they are 6 year olds and her older sister you have to treat like a child and she lies and cheats all the time as well. My wife was the only normal acting one out of them.
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 What a mess. i would suggest counselling, but i think it's a lot deeper than that, and that she really does need psychiatric evaluation and therapy. I'm not saying she has a mental problem, but she herself voiced the possibility of being a 'sex addict'. You can't heal her, you can't fix her, you can't mend this on your own, you don't have what it takes to do the work of 2 people. And there's no reason why you should. We marry our spouses to be their equals in everything, not to be nurse, doctor, therapist or whipping post. Suggest she get professional help, and ask her to find someone capable of steering her in a more positive direction. Until such a time as she demonstrates she really wants to do this, and get some closure on what ails her - you have to simply decide for yourself - stay, or go? Well, give her 3 months to do something. if after that, there is no sign from her that she has actively taken matters into her own hands - file, and leave.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I just really love her and feel that I will never find someone that has as much in common with me. I feel like she is a victim of her environment from growing up with parents that was hard on her and her sister is just like her, she lies and cheats. All of her family on both sides have mental illness. You have to talk to her parents like they are 6 year olds and her older sister you have to treat like a child and she lies and cheats all the time as well. My wife was the only normal acting one out of them. You can't save her. She has to save herself and right now she seems to have no desire to do it. Just cut your losses.
ridinbikes247 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I am almost in the same boat. I am devastated at this point. I was with my wife for 5 years, together for 7. We have a 4 year old boy. All of Jan and Feb she distant her self. She no longer communicated and got very angry when I asked her questions. I moved out Feb. 17th and have tried to distant my self from her as much as possible. I love her but sometimes its better to just let them go. I have no idea if she is seeing someone or is having one night stands. That's the hardest part for me. All the signs point to an affair, but I cant prove it, and she want admit it. One thing I do know is its time to give up. The best qoute friends have given me has been this Sometimes when you give up on someone, it's not because you dont care anymore, But because you realize they dont . . I have beat my self up trying to figure out why she dosent care about our marriage. But I just keep telling my self. If she can throw away what we had like garbage then so can I 3
PWSX3 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 She needs to work on her own issues & have no more contact with the other guy & until she stops seeing the other guy your chances of her coming back are very slim. If she grew up with a crazy childhood, those are things she will need to do counseling for. Even when she gives up the other guy, it's going to take a lot of counseling for you two to get this worked out.
Author Ghaleon Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 Shes wanting to keep me around as a backup plan, she wants me on the back burner and when something goes run she can just come back home and say "lets work things out". She keeps swearing to me that she and this guy are just really good friends and nothing more but I know better.
Author Ghaleon Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 I'm wondering, should I still keep going with no contact or should I be in contact with her? I havent talked to her in about 5 weeks now and some people tells me that is the right thing to do but I'm not sure.
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 contact her if you want, to give her the condition I suggested. give her the ultimatum, and tell her to only contact you when she has begun therapy. you have to keep it minimal - but you have to be in control.
Author Ghaleon Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Thank you Tara I will do that. On March 9th my mom talked to her briefly on Facebook. My mom talked to her in a way like I was doing really good and had moved on. She told my mom that she wished I had changed sooner (which doesn't make sense since she now admits the fault is on her end) and that I'm a wonderful person and she just wants whats best for me. She told my mom that she really misses going four wheeling with all of us and to tell everyone that she loves them. Myself, I haven't talked to her in almost 5 weeks now. I just think its really weird that on a Saturday she would add some of my closest friends on Facebook and then Sunday she takes down that she is married to me and puts up "its complicated" then not even 5 minutes later adds my mom as her Mother in law on her family board on Facebook.
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 "I'm not cheating or looking anymore" and then says that she "thinks she is a sex addict" and that she is "addicted to the feeling of new relationships" Wow! That's an oxymoron! Dude, SHe's cheating on you! She has a relationship with this guy! You said that he can't drive, yet she went on a motorcycle ride with this dude? Is this story for real?
Author Ghaleon Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) Wow! That's an oxymoron! Dude, SHe's cheating on you! She has a relationship with this guy! You said that he can't drive, yet she went on a motorcycle ride with this dude? Is this story for real? I looked up his criminal record and his license has been taken for awhile now due to random pull overs and such. All he has to his name is a motorcycle that his ex father in law gave to him. I guess if he is out on it then he is illegally. Edited March 21, 2012 by Ghaleon
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Okay, then dude. You seriously need to end this. Serve her with divorce papers. Show her you mean business. Dude, you don't realize that you deserve sooo much better. There is a girl out there that is going to treat you right, that will stand by your side and will treat you like a man and not as a doormat. You need to get yourself into individual counseling and gain some self respect back. Because if you don't respect yourself, no one else will. You need to work on you. Time to get selfish. Anytime you think of getting back with her or contacting her. Post here. Anytime those thoughts get into your head, push those thoughts out with thoughts of her on the back of a bike with her legs and arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. Remember the post where she said she wished he didn't have to work tonight. WHAT ABOUT YOU?!?!!? where the hell are you in that thought process? Didn't she promise herself to you? Dude, time to cut that nutcase loose.
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I just really love her and feel that I will never find someone that has as much in common with me. I feel like she is a victim of her environment from growing up with parents that was hard on her and her sister is just like her, she lies and cheats. All of her family on both sides have mental illness. You have to talk to her parents like they are 6 year olds and her older sister you have to treat like a child and she lies and cheats all the time as well. My wife was the only normal acting one out of them. She's not normal. Sounds like she's involved with a druggy guy. Stop rewarding her bad behavior! Get divorced! And hurry! She will take you for everything you ever had - including your peace of mind. Sop handing her so much power - she has taken you for a ride. And look what you typed - yes, she is a liar and a cheat! You have evidence to prove it. Look at what's real - her behavior is that of a druggy - to which she is hanging out with one... SHE is responsible for her choices - allow her to have consequences!
Author Ghaleon Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 You all are right. I need to get rid of her and move on. I just invested so much in her and went through so much with her I just became numb to being treated bad. It's time that I stand up and do some things for myself. What really hurts is this past Christmas she came home and my parents bought her a very nice jacket and she came to our family Christmas party. I wasn't invited to her parents because she was afraid they would tell something on her and they didn't get me anything. I had already bought her a new ring for Christmas and I told her at the time that if she came back home I would give it to her, so she swore she would be back home and I went to get it resized... she never came back. Then my aunt gave me a tanning bed to help with my wifes knees because she has joint problems. She called and said to take it because shes coming back home... never showed up. I'm tired of giving and giving and just getting heart ache in return. What kills me is every guy she has cheated on me with is a complete loser, that no other girl will even look at and usually they have rotted teeth.
Author Ghaleon Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 A friend of mine today who is from New York told me that in some states if you can prove that your spouse has cheated then you can force that person to pay for both your and her attorney fees and the divorce, any truth to this?
Author Ghaleon Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 I've had a really rough week. I just went in for a minor surgery last Saturday and have been recouping at home since. My emotions are out of control over my situation and the Paxil isn't helping as much now. I know that I should be thankful that she is gone after all she has done to me but I miss her like crazy and still love her. Her sister just broke the news that she is expecting and my wife always wanted to be the first to have children of the two, so I have a feeling she might try and have one with this other man. She put on her Facebook that she was coming home for Easter and I guess she did but she didn't come see me or my family. Her and her sister is making it very apparent where she is working at now, almost like they are pushing it in my face.
edgeof27 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Move on, forget her it was over before it began.
Author Ghaleon Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 I forgot that checking from time to time on her Facebook is the same thing as contacting her. Should I just stay off FB or should I delete her?
ridinbikes247 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Block her and her sister - That way you can not see NOTHING... Even if someone talks about them, they want show up
robf1971 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Block her and her sister - That way you can not see NOTHING... Even if someone talks about them, they want show up Yep, Cheating wife plus no kids = don't let the door hit her on the way out. No more contact except through a lawyer. Ignore ANY communication from your wife. 1
Chi townD Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 YES!!!! Block her from your facebook. Have you contacted a lawyer yet? Dude, I re-read your thread and she stated that she wants you as a friend or something like that? Dude, you are in a marriage, not a friendship. Friendship is just PART of the marriage, not all of it. SO! Essentially, she already told you the marriage is over. I think it's time for you to pull the trigger and move on with your life.
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