RiverRunning Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I'll preface this by saying I was once about 130 pounds overweight, now I'm about 40 - 50 pounds overweight. It fluctuates and the last month has been awful, one celebration after another and dodging horrible food left and right, at least halfway successfully. I'm 24 and I've had two relationships. My weight was a detriment in both relationships - both guys 'overlooked' my weight but weren't that attracted to my body. My first ex actually told me he was happy with my weight because it meant he had less competition with other guys. He was dead serious and also incredibly insecure, to the extent that he believed my gay friend (which I had disclosed to him long before we started dating) and I were sleeping together. My last ex never said anything directly about my weight. Early in our 3 1/2 year long relationship he made a few comments about junk food that I was eating, and that really ticked me off. I told him if he ever commented on something that I was eating again, he was done (I am not going to be policed on my eating habits, I'm not a child). Now I'm back on the market on dating sites. I'm not looking for anything serious...just playing around for a while. I'm burnt out on dealing with other people's crap in a serious or long-term relationship. I know I've lost confidence because between 19 and 24, I only had a few months of being single between Ex #1 and Ex #2. In that time, obviously, I wasn't on the market so it's not like I was getting a lot of attention because I wasn't really looking for it. So, I often find myself saying things like, "I've only been able to attract two guys and I'm 24. Therefore, this is proof that I'm fat and ugly." When really, I probably could have attracted a lot more had I been available. The issue is, I am getting a lot of interested folks on dating sites now. Very muscular and athletic guys (and I even have full-body shots on my profile), average guys, very thin guys, slightly chubby guys, fat guys, sumo-sized wrestler guys. But I now find that I'm very afraid, even at the prospect of just casually dating and having fun. I'm afraid these guys are going to later reveal that they're not physically attracted to me, just like my exes 'overlooked' my body. Then I have to go through all of that emotionally devastating garbage all over again. Guys who are just looking for an easy lay and believe a fat girl will give it to them, guys who are just looking for someone, anyone, to love and take care of them (and a 'fat girl' means less competition), etc. I don't want to be a consolation prize anymore. My plan is to eventually get to a 'normal' weight but I don't believe I should have to sit back and wait until I'm skinny enough to start dating, even casually, again. But I'm thinking longer-term too. It could take me a while to get the rest of the weight off. How do I figure out which guys are looking for easy pickings? Do men really believe that fat girls are easy prey/easy lay, or am I just being paranoid? My last ex, in the beginning of our relationship, would continually point out girls he thought were hot. Of course, none were even slightly overweight. It started to make ME feel like garbage because I could never command that kind of attention from him. Should I just close down dating site accounts? I NEVER approach guys on-line anymore on dating sites and wait for them to message me first, as at least then I know they're REALLY interested (well...usually). After sending out messages and getting sharp criticism in return, I have learned a lesson. So, what's a fat girl to do? Oh, I know...I'm ALREADY dieting and exercising.
sid3 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 You may want to stop labelling yourself as a fat girl. IDK, just a thought. Don't fool yourself, even once you've dropped the remaining lbs, there are still going to be the same risks and insecurities involved with dating. Work on liking yourself more would be my suggestion.
Bob_Funk Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) And people on here (women and older guys who've been out of the dating scene for ages) can't imagine why lean, decent-looking, hard-working guys like me, somedude, wolf, etc. are having such trouble. Well, this thread spells it all out. Nevermind the hot girls. Even one who admits to being 40-50 lbs. overweight is turning down muscle studs left and right. OP, losing weight will make all the difference in your ability to get commitment from pretty boys. Do some resistance training as well. With the obesity epidemic being as bad as it is, and the slender chick going the way of the dodo, you'll literally be seen as a goddess by most guys. Good luck. Edited March 17, 2012 by Bob_Funk
maysj18 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Congratulations on losing nearly 100lbs, first of all. Secondly, it doesn't sound like your self-esteem is where it needs to be to have fun casually or seriously dating. I'm not trying to lecture, but both my step mom and my best friend have had AMAZING success with weight watchers. You don't starve, you eat normal food (although their desserts are absolutely delicious), and it's more a lifestyle rather than a diet. As someone mentioned earlier, you will always have risks. Skinny, "hot" girls get into the same situations where guys assume that just because they look the way they do, they will be easy. It sounds like you may be allowing guys to set the bar for how you see yourself which isn't fair to you. You sound like you've been doing great so far. Keep up the good work and stay positive.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 No. You are not a target because of you're weight, don't even let that get to your head. You are an easy target because of the way you think. I know plenty of overweight girls who don't tolerate that stuff, and they are well respected and never have to deal with men like that. Don't think that your looks are the reason you can or can't do something. No. 2
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I'd suggest some IC to go along with the weight loss program. Fitness for the mind.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 And people on here (women and older guys who've been out of the dating scene for ages) can't imagine why lean, decent-looking, hard-working guys like me, somedude, wolf, etc. are having such trouble. Well, this thread spells it all out. Nevermind the hot girls. Even one who admits to being 40-50 lbs. overweight is turning down muscle studs left and right. . Hey. Just because you are lean, decent looking and hard working does not make you LIKABLE. And whether a person is 50 pounds overweight or has a stellar body, they get to choose to be with someone they like and whom they feel they can trust. 1
ascendotum Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) You are throwing out some roadblocks here. * dont want a guy who comments on you stuffing yourself with junk food but also who doesn't find other slimmer women attractive. * dont want anything serious, but afraid of dating. * worried about guys wanting an easy lay but at the same time you say you just want 'playing around for a while'. * you have muscular & atheletic guys contacting you but you are not happy, but at the same time you dont want the guys who are insecure. * you don't want to be a consolation prize but you also think 'I'm fat and ugly'. Unfortunately when someone is 130-50 lbs overweight a fantastic partner is not as easy to find. as to your questions.. How do I figure out which guys are looking for easy pickings? - Dont jump into the sack with them too quick. Spend some time getting to know them first and find out what makes them tick. i think you should focus on the guys who are the same body type as you. Do men really believe that fat girls are easy prey/easy lay? - Yes some guys do, this is generally in terms of a ONS more so then a relationship. For some guys any holes a goal, but for most they really want to be attracted to their gf. I think you should stay on your dating site. Be clear about what you want though, are you looking for a STR or do you really care about the guy's long term intentions. I find it strange you'd consider yourself a consolation prize to a muscular athletic guy. Why dont you test the waters and go out with a few of these guys. If you are simply going to ignore all the guy's msgs to you, then don't waste their time and take your profile down. Edited March 17, 2012 by ascendotum
CC12 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 And people on here (women and older guys who've been out of the dating scene for ages) can't imagine why lean, decent-looking, hard-working guys like me, somedude, wolf, etc. are having such trouble. Well, this thread spells it all out. Nevermind the hot girls. Even one who admits to being 40-50 lbs. overweight is turning down muscle studs left and right. I'm curious what you meant by this. What is spelled out in this thread that explains why you are having trouble with women? OP, it seems that until you are comfortable with yourself and your weight, then you will always have contempt or mistrust for any man who finds you attractive. You've got a lot of hangups, some are warranted, some are not. But it seems like you discount every guy for one reason or another. Think about this: Is there any situation where you would feel genuinely wanted or loved unconditionally? What would that situation be?
AlexDP Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 No. You are not a target because of you're weight, don't even let that get to your head. You are an easy target because of the way you think. I know plenty of overweight girls who don't tolerate that stuff, and they are well respected and never have to deal with men like that. Don't think that your looks are the reason you can or can't do something. No. True, but in order for them to think like that, they need to have this incredible sense of entitlement. The OP seems to lack this and I actually congratulate her for it. It's nice to see a woman who doesn't think every man should want her. However OP, if you're badly overweight and someone comments on you eating junkfood, that person is right. It is the equivalent of being a drunk and it clearly means you cannot take care of yourself. That being said, I'd say you HAVE shown with your later behaviour that you CAN take care of yourself. Now your attitude deserves to change. You've lost a lot of weight, you're probably a more attractive person and you've done a lot of hard work. You deserve a guy and there most likely is someone out there who will like your body. You just need to give them a chance.
AlexDP Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Hey. Just because you are lean, decent looking and hard working does not make you LIKABLE. And whether a person is 50 pounds overweight or has a stellar body, they get to choose to be with someone they like and whom they feel they can trust. Very true, but the stereotype of the likeable fatty is quite the myth. Most fat people I've encountered have been depressed, boring, nasty, inactive and still felt entitled to just about everything all the while stuffing themselves with whatever they could find. Doesn't mean lean people are necessarily likeable though. And it doesn't mean fat people are necessarily annoying either.
CC12 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Very true, but the stereotype of the likeable fatty is quite the myth. Yeah, I mean, you would expect all fatties to be at least likable, right? But I've actually met fat people who are NOT likable! What's that about? Quite the myth.
Author RiverRunning Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 For clarification, I don't "stuff myself with junk food." I made references to eating junk food on a few occasions. Do people really believe that thin folks NEVER do this? I have a balanced diet and that includes junk food. In the past, even, when I was overweight, I would eat it on occasion. The problem was that I was taking in too many calories in general in my diet overall, not that I ate a diet of pure crap. It's not anybody else's place to tell me what to eat, to lecture me on it, etc. If a man's not happy with my body or he wants me to lose weight, I would much prefer he offer to cook us dinner, suggest we go work-out together, etc. Making nasty comments about my size, trying to pressure me to exercise or intimidating me when I'm eating something don't work. It's entirely passive-aggressive, it's cruel and there are myriads of better ways to try to emphasize it. I should mention that although both my exes were thin, they ate crap and never worked out (I've at least worked out semi-regularly for years). So, who was healthier? It wasn't them. I also didn't say I've rejected anybody on the dating site. I don't message anyone first (after contacting lots of thin guys, muscular guys, fat guys, etc. - and then getting a message back tearing into me, apparently because they felt too good for me). I'm wary of all of them, but admittedly the muscular guys - the fact is they DO have more leeway in who they select and pursue. It does make me skeptical. I wouldn't entirely rule it out and I would go for a guy who's in shape, but I would always wonder what his surrounding social environment is like. Even if he prefers a heavier woman, is he going to be pressured or cajoled for dating me, and is that going to affect the relationship? You know, it's fine if a guy finds thin women attractive. But I don't want it rubbed in my face. He shouldn't be making comments about other women he sees in public. If he wants to look, fine - I'm not a fool and I realize we all have eyes. But if he's turning his head and gawking after them (as one of my exes did), it gets to be insulting, especially when it's literally every young, thin woman who walks by. It gets to be absurd. It would be nice to meet someone who is interested in a broad spectrum of body types - admittedly that's going to be very difficult, as most people have a 'type' within a narrow range. So, they like thin women? That would be pretty neat if they were also attracted to heavier women and not ashamed of it. I should add that I'm at around 33% body fat - I'm still overfat but not drastically. I could probably drop to under 30% body fat if I lose 20 more pounds. So, while my body fat percentage is high, it's not that far above an 'average' body fat percentage. Just to emphasize that I'm not one of those women who's 40 - 50 pounds overweight and a blob.
somedude81 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I should add that I'm at around 33% body fat The issue is, I am getting a lot of interested folks on dating sites now. Very muscular and athletic guys (and I even have full-body shots on my profile), average guys, very thin guys, slightly chubby guys, fat guys, sumo-sized wrestler guys. Wow, men have laxer standards than I thought. As for what the guys want, I think you should be cautious. You're going to find a lot of guys who just want sex and won't actually be attracted to you.
sid3 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Yeah, I mean, you would expect all fatties to be at least likable, right? But I've actually met fat people who are NOT likable! What's that about? Quite the myth. That's a bit naive, to assume such rubbish suggests you need to learn more about people. Some will surprise you, others are bound to disappoint. 'Fatties' is a bit mean IMO. Just sayin
gaius Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Guys tend to go after whatever they are comfortable with, so you might have a problem dating long term if you're expecting to drop another 50 pounds. Unless you find a guy who's similarly loosing weight. Doesn't mean you shouldn't get out and date some people though! Plenty of guys out there you might enjoy spending time with and who would treat you with more respect than your ex did. Also those muscular guys might be seriously lacking in other areas, so don't assume they have so many options without knowing them in person.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) True, but in order for them to think like that, they need to have this incredible sense of entitlement. The OP seems to lack this and I actually congratulate her for it. It's nice to see a woman who doesn't think every man should want her. This isn't about entitlement, this is about not tolerating a man who doesn't really like her. She doesn't have confidence. THIS is the problem. Entitlement has nothing to do with it and I have no idea where you got this from. She doesn't need to think every man wants her, she needs to KNOW that she is WORTHY of a man who likes her EXACTLY THE WAY SHE IS. She doesn't have to settle with a man who "deals" with her because he feels bad. NO. If she understands that weight is a problem, she needs to know she is perfectly capable of losing this weight to attract a man she would want. That's a different story. But while she's overweight, she shouldn't whine about it and lose confidence. She should know that if this problem is fixable, then it's all in her hands. She shouldn't cry about being fat if she can help it (with the exception of medical conditions which I don't think is the case here). Edited March 17, 2012 by FrustratedStandards
Bob_Funk Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Wow, men have laxer standards than I thought. Lol at this surprising you. From what I've seen, guys - popular jocks and WOW playing nerds alike - will sleep with almost anything resembling a female. I once got rejected by a 300 lb. girl who, at 23, had been with almost 30 partners. Here's the kicker: she'd only sleep with thin pretty boys.
somedude81 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Yeah, men and women are definitely not playing in the same game. 1
Hetzer Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Free love system of sex is really killing men (the irony). What incentive does the OP have to go out with her male equivalent (a guy whose 50 lbs overweight), when she has musclemen messaging her? Even though the OP seperates herself from the vast majority of women by thinking "it's too good to be true", she's still most likely going to prefer NSA sex with a really muscular guy than a relationship with an equally chubby, funny, nice , intelligent guy. She may get depressed about it when it's all over, and end up marrying a guy in her actual league by the age of 35-40 when the cinderella/biological clock is just about to hit 12, but it's still not fair that men have to commit to her after all these scores of "hot guys" pumped and dumped her, bringing her sexual value down to men (whether you femi-nazis like it or not, it's how it is). It's really depressing, and why monogamy should be brought back for the sake of male sanity. Monogamy was kind of like a social regulation to prevent 10% of males from having sex with 90% of women, yet with that dismantled it's next to impossible for a guy whose a couple inches shorter than average, couple dozen pounds over weight, with a job making under 40 G's to find a stable girl who isn't 400 lbs or has down syndrome.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 If you're 24, other than continuing on your progress, I recommend continuing education as a way to get yourself exposed to people so that it's not all about this reduction of yourself to a few photos and some check boxes about smoking, drinking and spirituality or lack thereof. I'm speaking figuratively about that of course. I of course don't know your locale or level of ed or access to school, but what you really need is real social exposure so that someone can see you around and you can see others and get some sense of real good old fashion reality. Some employers have programs to support continuing ed--mine did when I was working for them and I took full advantage of it by finishing college and going to course at art school. I was doing computer-based training and they even ponied up for a "voice-over workshop". Things are a lot tighter now in the corporate budgets but if any of this applies to you, take advantage and try to get public exposure. Put yourself out there.
FitChick Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 i think you should focus on the guys who are the same body type as you. Good advice for both men and women. Ideally, the OP would find someone on the same page when it comes to diet and exercise so they could get in shape together. I think it would be a bonding experience. You see couples like that on the Biggest Loser all the time. They become each others support system.
Hetzer Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Good advice for women, not for men. The women who are in their early 20's and have my athletic (but not super jacked) body type get treated like movie stars.
CC12 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 That's a bit naive, to assume such rubbish suggests you need to learn more about people. Some will surprise you, others are bound to disappoint. 'Fatties' is a bit mean IMO. Just sayin No ****. That's why I used that word and subsequent mocking to illustrate my contempt for the person I quoted. Pay attention.
CC12 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Good advice for women, not for men. The women who are in their early 20's and have my athletic (but not super jacked) body type get treated like movie stars. How's your personality? 1
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