I want to send her a text/letter about things I found out

[BurntBroski]

Long story short: she and I were together for five years. She kicked me out of her life without closure for nearly a year, came back, told me she wanted me in her life and that it was a mistake to kick me out and how she did me wrong, THEN kicked me out of her life all over again by blocking me on Facebook.

 

That pisses me off to the core, how she can tell me that she loves and cares about me, that she values me in her life, only to kick me out all over again!! How does she not feel guilty or remorse for this? How does she look at herself in the mirror?

 

I want to send her a letter. Not just any letter, but a letter expressing my concerns. She's an excessive, chronic liar and a cheater (yeah, she cheated on me but tried to cover it up by saying it wasn't a real relationship).

 

I found out about some things she did during our relationship that I didn't know before she 'kicked me out of her life'. I also found out some falsified things she said after she had kicked me out of her life the first time. I want to let her know that I KNOW the **** she did and said.

 

I've already written the letter. I feel like sending it to her and then texting her to go read it, and let her know that I will not contact her again.

 

What's to gain by sending her this? To let her know my thoughts, to try to explain to her that she needs to truly grow up and mature and STOP LYING. Maybe it would serve as a wake up call so she will stop lying to not only me, but to everybody around her that she's lied to. She ran away from our relationship like a coward. It was OK, though, to her, if I was the only one that was hurt, even though she lied to all of her pseudo friends as they were 'unscathed' by her BS.

 

I want to send this letter SO BADLY, just to tell her how I feel one last time, to let her know that I found out about even more of the lies, and then tell her that if she really wants to stop her self-destructive traits, she will have to stop lying so damn much and become more honest in her everyday life. Sending this WITHOUT any childish name calling, just a bunch of angry words depicting my disappointment with her irrational and illogical idiotic actions.

 

Sorry about the long rant, I'm just really pissed off. I know it's a bit incoherent and doesn't explain everything, but that's not the point, really. I just want to send this letter to her so freakin' bad.

 

PLEASE, if you don't think I should send this letter to her, PLEASE convince me not to. I REALLY want to send it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have my doubts.

 

Here's the thing, though, if I don't send it, she'll just continue lying in her everyday life and will cheat on the multitude of guys in the future. Yeah, the typical retort is, "Well, that's the future. She's no longer in your life. But what does it matter?" Well, it matters, because I'm still in love with her, irrational as hell! I CARE about her. I'll always love her, or at least love the way she was in the best stages of our relationship, but the fact is that I'll always love her. I may not be in love with her, but I'll always love her, as well as that I will always care about her.

 

I just WANT to send this email... but I don't know? I know the responses here will be a resounding NO, but why? Please convince me! I need to be logical but there's some ambivalence between my head and my heart, and I'm leaning towards sending it next week or the week after! I just keep putting it off, though!

 

Please help!

 

Thanks!

 

(EDIT: I'm 24 years old, by the way, she's 22, if our ages are of any importance).

[VirileEntity]

Broski, you can send it to her... then what?

 

What are you going to do? Dance? Is it really going to make you feel better just to send her an e-mail that's doing nothing but making her feel bad? You already acknowledged that you are no longer a part of her life nor is she a part of yours. She will either read the e-mail and roll her eyes, or she will ignore it altogether. Or, in the event that she is hurt by what you write, how will that possibly make you feel good in the long run?

 

If you don't send the e-mail at all, you won't feel any 'better' or 'worse', but the key to NOT sending the e-mail is that you won't feel 'worse'. Sending the e-mail has a great potential to make you feel even worse.

 

So, you send it, and she doesn't reply... then what? How are you going to feel up in the weeks after, after you send an e-mail that was never replied to? That would make you feel like crap.

 

You know what I THINK you should do, Broski? Enjoy life. Hang out with your friends, partake in your hobbies, enjoy your passions, work hard in improving yourself, learn more, work out, and eventually, just eventually (DO NOT RUSH, MY MAN!) start taking interest in other girls.

 

She's one girl, and obviously she never was all that great if she's a LIAR and a CHEATER. Forget her. Let her fail. She's no longer a part of your life, and she doesn't appreciate you enough to keep her as part of hers although she told you otherwise.

 

Work on yourself, improve yourself and focus on yourself. Don't worry about her. You think she's worrying about you right now? I doubt it. Focus on yourself. You do you. She can regret her own ignorance in years from now. Right now, you should just enjoy yourself and your life instead of harping on so much unnecessary STRESS.

 

Please don't send the letter, broski.

[BewitchedandBothered]

If it's true love you will not send her that letter. If you are in love, you don't want that person to change. She will have to change her ways if she is constantly lying, cheating. but YOU fell in love with her--she didn't just change over night. No point in sending her that letter, it is like disturbing a hornet's nest and you are just looking for a reason to start some kind of contact--it would only result in more drama and hurt. She doesn't know what she wants yet; let her go find herself.

 

If she lies, let her lie. If she cheats, that's her biz. Keep your spoon out of her bowl, man, she is not yours anymore. Live and let live. A letter like that would do more damage than good and I doubt she would ever come running back to you. You can't make her unsee the contents. Think. think. think. you are just feeling angry and resentful. calm the **** down. do not send that letter.

 

if she cared how you felt, she would be on the phone discussing it with you.

[BurntBroski]

I know, I know... I appreciate the advice, to the both of you. Thanks. But it just hurts like hell.

 

She took advantage of me. For years I told her all of these amazing stories about somebody (from my family) in my life that made a huge impact on me and has shaped who I am (that somebody died years ago). She always told me that the fact I told her that made her feel special, that she appreciated what I told her.

 

BUT.......... I found out that she said a few things that were extremely, incredibly, insanely, inordinately disrespectful to the point that it not only made me angry and depressed BUT also the feeling of being taken advantage of, that she could do something so horrible and awful. Really, how can somebody be so cruel and inhumane? All the **** she's done to me just doesn't make any sense. She used to be so sweet, but turned into an absolute liar.

 

I just want her to know the pain she's caused me, but like you two said, she probably wouldn't care, would she? But I don't get it?! How can she not care about me when we were together for so long, and she came back and literally cried, tears pouring out of her face, when she confronted me? I don't get how she could have did all of this **** if she 'cared' so much about me.

 

The guy that she cheated with... she always talked about how much she hated his guts, but I'm positive that she probably told him that she 'loved' him. He didn't know she was still with me, nor did her friends. I feel like contacting that guy AND her friends and letting them all know about this. Should I?? Or would it all be a colossal waste of time.

 

She hurt me like hell. How can she possibly learn to get over her lying and cheating if she doesn't face the repercussions and consequences? I'm just.... I don't know. I love her, but I'm so upset and angry at her idiotic decisions that she made. I used to be so damn happy years ago, and now, look at me, rambling on like a pathetic, worthless lunatic about a girl that used to love me but now doesn't give a **** about me, a girl that lied and cheated and took advantage of me like a chewed up ragdoll.

 

How can one human being be so damn cruel to another when the amount of love once shared was so powerful and passionate? I don't get it, and I'm not sure I ever will. She burned me, and the joke's on me for still being an idiot in love with her, I reckon.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I know, I know... I appreciate the advice, to the both of you. Thanks. But it just hurts like hell.

 

She took advantage of me. For years I told her all of these amazing stories about somebody (from my family) in my life that made a huge impact on me and has shaped who I am (that somebody died years ago). She always told me that the fact I told her that made her feel special, that she appreciated what I told her.

 

BUT.......... I found out that she said a few things that were extremely, incredibly, insanely, inordinately disrespectful to the point that it not only made me angry and depressed BUT also the feeling of being taken advantage of, that she could do something so horrible and awful. Really, how can somebody be so cruel and inhumane? All the **** she's done to me just doesn't make any sense. She used to be so sweet, but turned into an absolute liar.

 

I just want her to know the pain she's caused me, but like you two said, she probably wouldn't care, would she? But I don't get it?! How can she not care about me when we were together for so long, and she came back and literally cried, tears pouring out of her face, when she confronted me? I don't get how she could have did all of this **** if she 'cared' so much about me.

 

The guy that she cheated with... she always talked about how much she hated his guts, but I'm positive that she probably told him that she 'loved' him. He didn't know she was still with me, nor did her friends. I feel like contacting that guy AND her friends and letting them all know about this. Should I?? Or would it all be a colossal waste of time.

 

She hurt me like hell. How can she possibly learn to get over her lying and cheating if she doesn't face the repercussions and consequences? I'm just.... I don't know. I love her, but I'm so upset and angry at her idiotic decisions that she made. I used to be so damn happy years ago, and now, look at me, rambling on like a pathetic, worthless lunatic about a girl that used to love me but now doesn't give a **** about me, a girl that lied and cheated and took advantage of me like a chewed up ragdoll.

 

How can one human being be so damn cruel to another when the amount of love once shared was so powerful and passionate? I don't get it, and I'm not sure I ever will. She burned me, and the joke's on me for still being an idiot in love with her, I reckon.

 

Give her an Oscar for her teary eyed performance and move on. warning people about her makes YOU look like an ass. trust me, I have been there. I tried warning people about my abusive ex who slandered me big time to protect himself. I am still picking up the pieces. You are a sane mind trying to wrap your head around an insane action. you are only going to stress yourself and make yourself look bad to these people.

 

This will pass, trust me. You are in the anger stage which beats the hell out of crying. I , too wanted to send my ex a letter, but once it's in his hands, that's it. he would probably show it to everyone-=--he already told them I am psycho. No telling what she said about you and you confronting her will confirm that--in her eyes and the eyes of her minions.

 

Breathe deep. It is easy for me to tell you do not waste your energy on someone who clearly doesn't care, but you can do this in baby steps. One minute at a time. KEEP YOUR DIGNITY. Got it? And if a person doesn't like me...I don't like them anymore. Think about that;)

[rootless]

I totally understand your inclination to send the letter:

You're angry.

And rightfully so.

 

Her behavior sucked.

No question.

 

And to add insult to injury, the fact that she seems to have escaped any accountability and consequence just further inflames your indignation.

I totally get it.

 

I also get that you still care.

That you feel like you'd be doing her a disservice by sweeping her bullish*t behavior under the rug, like it didn't matter.

You don't want to see her repeat her mistakes and inflict more pain on the next guy, or walk away without realizing that her actions are unacceptable and carry real, destructive ramifications.

 

I've been in the same boat, and had the same feelings.

On one level, I just wanted her to know that she was being held responsible for her crap.

And on another level, I hoped that my telling her would help break a pattern of avoidance and unaccountability that plagued our relationship, as well as ones in her past.

 

But here's the thing--

 

Whether or not your letter will have ANY impact on her is completely out of your hands.

 

It's completely dependent on her ability to process criticism, accept responsibility, and apply it to legitimate growth and change.

 

And from what you described, her behavior indicates that she doesn't have those traits in any significant amount.

 

People who lie and cheat aren't really known for their ability to own blame like an adult.

They're not known for their excess of integrity and consideration, y'know?

Morality, maturity, and compassion aren't really their thing.

 

It's highly likely she won't absorb any of the meaning or intent.

 

And depending on how dysfunctional she is, it's possible she'll lash out with even more insensitivity and drama.

 

A**holes generally don't respond well to being called out on being an a**hole.

And this woman has exhibited some Olympic-caliber a**holery.

 

I worry that A.) You're wasting your effort on deaf ears, and B.) she might spin your attempt into just one more way to hurt you and reintroduce chaos into your life.

 

You know her better than we do, but this sounds like a high-risk / low-reward situation to me.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I totally understand your inclination to send the letter:

You're angry.

And rightfully so.

 

Her behavior sucked.

No question.

 

And to add insult to injury, the fact that she seems to have escaped any accountability and consequence just further inflames your indignation.

I totally get it.

 

I also get that you still care.

That you feel like you'd be doing her a disservice by sweeping her bullish*t behavior under the rug, like it didn't matter.

You don't want to see her repeat her mistakes and inflict more pain on the next guy, or walk away without realizing that her actions are unacceptable and carry real, destructive ramifications.

 

I've been in the same boat, and had the same feelings.

On one level, I just wanted her to know that she was being held responsible for her crap.

And on another level, I hoped that my telling her would help break a pattern of avoidance and unaccountability that plagued our relationship, as well as ones in her past.

 

But here's the thing--

 

Whether or not your letter will have ANY impact on her is completely out of your hands.

 

It's completely dependent on her ability to process criticism, accept responsibility, and apply it to legitimate growth and change.

 

And from what you described, her behavior indicates that she doesn't have those traits in any significant amount.

 

People who lie and cheat aren't really known for their ability to own blame like an adult.

They're not known for their excess of integrity and consideration, y'know?

Morality, maturity, and compassion aren't really their thing.

 

It's highly likely she won't absorb any of the meaning or intent.

 

And depending on how dysfunctional she is, it's possible she'll lash out with even more insensitivity and drama.

 

A**holes generally don't respond well to being called out on being an a**hole.

And this woman has exhibited some Olympic-caliber a**holery.

 

I worry that A.) You're wasting your effort on deaf ears, and B.) she might spin your attempt into just one more way to hurt you and reintroduce chaos into your life.

 

You know her better than we do, but this sounds like a high-risk / low-reward situation to me.

 

I wish I could reach through this monitor and give you a huge bear hug. I kid you not. I, also needed your sage advice and wisdom==all you have mentioned here is what I have been healing from. But I learned from his personality that he is one to turn it all around on the other person because it's everyone else's fault but his. I can't deal with that type of personality and have no time for it.

 

it would open up a can of worms to send that letter and you will be going back and forth arguing and insulting one another. then you would have to heal. all. over. again. am I right? Best to let it go. Let her go and let her be hoisted by her own petard.

[rootless]

Awww- thanks!

 

It just sucks, doesn't it?

It so deeply offends our natural desire for things to be fair.

It sounds melodramatic, but the sense of injustice can be one of the hardest things to deal with.

It's so much harder to let go when you feel like the scales are that far out of balance.

 

Think of it this way-- your ex was an AWESOME teacher.

They taught you *exactly* how NOT to behave.

And they provided a fantastic blueprint for the type of person to avoid in future relationships.

 

On the other hand-- they're horrible students.

 

People like that are *terrible* at taking in and adapting to new information-- particularly when it's something negative.

 

It's a safe bet their reaction is going to be petulant and childish, and probably cruel.

 

It takes a big person to have their faults reflected back at them and not flip out about it.

 

If they're not able to navigate a relationship honestly and stay faithful, they're probably not ready to hear the truth about it, either.

 

Feel sorry for them in that respect.

Edited March 17, 2012 by rootless

[BurntBroski]

Wow, some fantastic advice all throughout by VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered and rootless. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate it. It's nice to read these logical thoughts when I'm the one who's struggling to be logical at the moment!

 

When she kicked me out of her life the first time and returned almost a year later, she said "I owe you millions of apologies". She said, "I'm not a good person. I'm crazy." After ALL of this, she told me she wanted me in her life, that she valued me in her life, and she wouldn't make the mistake of kicking me out again, that she 'loved' and 'cared' about me.

 

What do you make of this, VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered, rootless? Is or was she absolutely confused? Or playing me on purpose?

[pie2]

Please convince me! I need to be logical but there's some ambivalence between my head and my heart, and I'm leaning towards sending it next week or the week after! I just keep putting it off, though!

 

I admire your impulse control! You want to wait two weeks to do this? Why the long wait?

 

Anyway, in your five years together, did anything that you ever did turn her into a more upstanding citizen with a higher moral code?

 

(I doubt it...people learn lessons when they are ready, on their own terms).

 

Regarding your second question...it's hard to know why she did what she did without hearing her side of the story. You know her best...what is your best guess?

[rootless]

Wow, some fantastic advice all throughout by VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered and rootless. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate it. It's nice to read these logical thoughts when I'm the one who's struggling to be logical at the moment!

 

When she kicked me out of her life the first time and returned almost a year later, she said "I owe you millions of apologies". She said, "I'm not a good person. I'm crazy." After ALL of this, she told me she wanted me in her life, that she valued me in her life, and she wouldn't make the mistake of kicking me out again, that she 'loved' and 'cared' about me.

 

What do you make of this, VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered, rootless? Is or was she absolutely confused? Or playing me on purpose?

 

If she flat-out told you she was crazy, she may have inadvertently let the truth slip out.

 

Not that she's literally insane-- but this doesn't sound like an entirely stable person.

 

This lady's going in like 12 directions at once.

 

Healthy, secure people don't say stuff like "I'm not a good person".

They'll apologize, and they'll own up to their mistakes, but they don't make statements like that unless there's a kernel of truth there -- she may have some genuine self-esteem issues going on.

 

I'm not trying to level a heavy value judgement about her, or measure her worth as a person -- I'm not qualified -- but that sounds hinky.

She either really feels that way-- like she's no good -- which comes with a host of self-image baggage...

Or, she's trying to turn herself into a sympathetic character to excuse her transgressions-- "I couldn't help boning that other guy; I'm a bad person. Pity me."

 

Either way, her behavior, plus her language = SUPER confused.

 

And no matter how much empathy we can feel for that confusion, it in NO way justifies infidelity or dishonesty.

 

You can have problems and still be honest and not bang other dudes.

That's beyond the pale.

 

Once you fall for someone, for most of us, it's hard to remain objective about things. Emotions run so deep, and they're so compelling-- it's hard to get a fair perspective on things. You're just too close to the situation, and too invested.

 

I've made all kinds of questionable calls because I let my heart dictate my decisions and not my head.

 

I'm not in the business of trash-talking your ex, and I generally like to see people work things out and get together....

 

But as a guy on the sidelines, this girl sounds like she's all over the place.

And I'm patently biased against people who cheat, or lie.

That's just not okay with me-- so I bring that to the table.

 

I'd LOVE this to work out.

I'd be stoked if you could get through to her, and help lend her some insight into how her behavior effects people.

 

But if this girl has a history of deceit and infidelity, I just don't think the truth is going to effect her the way you hope.

She hasn't valued the truth in the past.

What's changed to make her give a sh*t now?

Edited March 17, 2012 by rootless

[freetolove]

I think you should send her the letter. I would it over/rewrite it so that you're mature about it but telling her that you know/found out is a good thing because you dont' want her playing with other men in the future. she needs to be "taught" that it's wrong. Some people are very selfish and do need a wake up call. And not telling her does not = you love her. it just means you are too passive/afraid to tell her the truth.

[freetolove]

not to mention this is the second time she did it so third time, you are just plain stupid. I know you are hurting but you need to stand up for yourself and respect yourself. Think about what you would tell a friend if he was going through the same thing.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Wow, some fantastic advice all throughout by VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered and rootless. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate it. It's nice to read these logical thoughts when I'm the one who's struggling to be logical at the moment!

 

When she kicked me out of her life the first time and returned almost a year later, she said "I owe you millions of apologies". She said, "I'm not a good person. I'm crazy." After ALL of this, she told me she wanted me in her life, that she valued me in her life, and she wouldn't make the mistake of kicking me out again, that she 'loved' and 'cared' about me.

 

What do you make of this, VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered, rootless? Is or was she absolutely confused? Or playing me on purpose?

 

"Fool me once, shame on you...Fool me twice, shame on me";) Think about that:) Do NOT send the letter. You already know her behavior which is quite erratic; all over the place. What do you think she will do with all that information? Resent you? Want to run to your arms? It serves no purpose, just an outlet for you to get your thoughts and feelings out---but what makes you think she will take it to heart? No contact shows you are moving on; you were fine before her, you will be fine after.

 

She could use that note as fodder for more drama and reopen the wound you have been trying to heal. If you are still in love, you probably love the person she showed you before her dubious actions. That person doesn't exist. It's like me falling in love with the fellow of a Romance novel.

 

She is your past and you don't live in your past anymore. Move forward to better days and better things ahead. There is nothing back there for you; let her wallow in her pathos. Again...do not send the letter. if she were mature, you would both be able to sit and discuss things logically after a time of healing. In this case it would start a fight and unnecessary communication.

 

Personally, my vibe is she is who she is and she won't change. And dare I say that any person who tells you they are crazy, they are telling you the truth. And if that is what she considers 'love', I would rather be home alone raising sea monkeys.

Edited March 17, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[rootless]

not to mention this is the second time she did it so third time, you are just plain stupid. I know you are hurting but you need to stand up for yourself and respect yourself. Think about what you would tell a friend if he was going through the same thing.

 

Now that's a DAMN good argument.

 

I'll come clean-- minus the cheating, I was in a very similar situation with my ex. A lot of parallels between BurntBroski's circumstances.

 

And I DID send the letter, following a half-assed apology and a request to be friends she issued 5 months after dumping me... for the second time.

 

I was calm and adult about it, but I voiced very clearly that I thought her behavior was horsesh*t and that I didn't deserve it, and that if she persisted with her pattern, it would poison every relationship she would ever embark on.

 

I also made it clear that my trust in her had completely evaporated, and I wasn't interested in having a friendship, or any connection at all, with someone who was capable of acting the way she did.

 

Her response was some boilerplate crap she probably cribbed from a yoga flyer and she slunk off... to spy on me online three times a week, right upbto the day she accepted and engagement proposal from her rebound guy.

 

MESSED UP.

 

And, full disclosure, that's where my hesitance comes from.

 

I felt proud that I stood up for myself and let her know I wasn't a chump.

But it apparently had no effect.

 

And I'll be honest-- that really screws with me.

Edited March 17, 2012 by rootless

[freetolove]

rootless, it did have an effect, she's not abusing you anymore.

[BurntBroski]

I just feel like sending it. Here's the thing, there's no chance in hell that we are getting back together. Not at this juncture, anyway. She's a completely different person now than what she was five or six years ago.

 

The first couple of years of our relationship were the best years of my life. I was happy, relaxed, and I enjoyed every day. I don't remember a single bad day occurring from 2006-2009, honestly. Sure, there probably were some bad days, as it's often said one exaggerates memories when feeling nostalgic, but I can't recall the said days.

 

Circumstances changed. She changed. Her environment changed her. She became cold towards me. I was putting my full efforts into the relationship and she stopped caring, clearly by her actions. I was too blind to see it, and instead of standing up and not being weak, she destroyed me. It's because I allowed it.

 

She had this incredible potential to do something amazing with her life. She was so kind and so sweet. Always caring, always helping out not only me but the people around her. Whenever she wasn't optimistic, it was like I could make her feel better in seconds. We had the perfect chemistry.

 

But again, she changed, became cold, instead of humorously being sarcastic she was then being bitterly sarcastic. I felt a lot of tension and anxiety every day. Those happy, relaxed, joyful days were no more. Now my days were filled with extreme anxiety and extreme tension. I tried so hard to salvage our relationship, then the inevitable occurred.

 

What I find amusing as hell is, during our relationship she NEVER smoked, self-harmed or drank whatsoever. She NEVER did any of that. Whenever she was in a terrible mood throughout the five years, she would always be there with me. The nights would be great and lead to coitus.

 

Now, how is that amusing? Well, after she kicked me out of her life the first time, she started excessively smoking (cigarettes, to be obvious), drinking and self-harming... when she told me about this, it pissed me off so much. But as time ensued, I realized that it's her decision to **** everything up.

 

I've always been this way, it seems. I care too much and give too much. I'm a naturally nurturer when it comes to the people that I love and care about. I take care of my family and friends just 'cause. Doesn't matter how. I've always been that way... I can't help it. I guess that's why it took me so long to see through her bull****.

 

The relationship, at this point, cannot be salvaged. She's made plenty of illogical and irrational decisions, and she ultimately threw away our relationship, which was the best thing in her life considering how it was once the most pure thing in her life. Out of her parents, family and friends, I was the only person to be there for her, in her entire life, and never walk away or turn around, and yet she kicked me out as if I'm insignificant and worthless (believe me, I felt like that for a while).

 

I feel like sending her the e-mail because they are my last thoughts. I feel as if I won't be able to reach full closure until I send it, because I'll look back in years from now and wonder if she's still lying and cheating 24/7. Why would it still matter to me by then? Because I love her. She's a part of me, and always will be. I'm not in love with her, but I loved her, and thus there will always be a part of me that cares even if there's no relationship.

 

Maybe she'll learn from it, and maybe she won't. Maybe she will reply to it, and maybe she won't. Hell, maybe she won't even read it. If the relationship cannot be salvaged and I'm not going to ensue with a conversation over what I said, then I might as well send it.

 

High risk, low reward, sure, but I've always been about high risks. Go big or go home. What could she possibly say in her reply? "That's not true!!" Because she knows deep down that it's all true, that everything I'd send are facts. Now, if she sends me some long rant justifying her ignorant, selfish, destructive behavior, I won't even bother replying or acknowledge it. I've pandered to her for far too long.

 

I honestly think she should tell the guy she said the affair with AND her 'best friends' that she cheated and lied to them in the process, but hey, she won't. Because as rootless said, she doesn't value the truth, so why would she now? Furthermore, she's rendered herself into a coward.

 

It just amazes me how she once was so mature and responsible and has regressed, over the years, into an immature, irresponsible, selfish child. That's truly the only way I can put it.

 

The reason I'm waiting so long to send it is because I've always premeditated my actions, methodically thinking and pondering my decisions. I try not to do anything rash, because that will bite anybody in the ass in the long run.

 

Still think this is a bad idea, rootless? I honestly don't care if she replies with a load of malarkey. It's the final stand, the final email. After this, it's over. When she kicked me out of her life without warning or closure, I went NC, didn't even bother asking her what was up. It was shocking, but I didn't say a word to her. I can do NC, no problem. I simply sublimate my anger, disappointment and sadness by lifting weights and high intensity interval training. A lot of that, and a lot of reading, a lot of walking around the park here to get fresh air. In the long run, I'll be fine. I feel as if I don't send the e-mail, I'll ask myself, "What if I sent it?" I'm still waiting a bit to send it. I want to word it without sounding like an emotionally bent a**hole.

[VirileEntity]

If you really think that there's nothing to lose by sending your letter, then by all means send it. Do as you see fit. None of us know all the details of your relationship other than what you have told us.

 

The best lessons (and wisdom) are learned by mistakes. If you send this letter and look back at it as a mistake, you will learn from it, but it will be at a cost (potential stress and pain).

[BewitchedandBothered]

I still don't think you should send it. She's gone from your life; there is no reason to. You have your closure in knowing she is doing what she does. And it's not up to you to tell her what she shouldn't be doing with other fellows, even if it is lying/cheating, etc. you are not her keeper.

[whichwayisup]

Continue to write her letters but for therputic reasons only - DO NOT SEND HER ANY EMAILS OR HAND WRITTEN LETTERS! Why? Because she does not care..

 

Silence says so much, and it gives you tons of control. More than you realize!

 

I know you're hurting, pissed off and upset, rightfully so but contacting her or involving others about the details of her evil ways will make you look petty and revengeful in their eyes. YOU know the truth and by staying in silence and NC mode will show her how little she means to you (even if you don't feel this way now) and also to others, you've risen above the crap she's thrown your way.

[whichwayisup]

After this, it's over.

 

It's over now.

 

DO NOT SEND IT TO HER. You make your own closure without contacting her and without all the drama.

 

You will regret sending it. Basically by sending this you give her power and a huge ego trip.

 

If the relationship cannot be salvaged

 

There IS no relationship. And hasn't been in a long time.

[BewitchedandBothered]

It's over now.

 

DO NOT SEND IT TO HER. You make your own closure without contacting her and without all the drama.

 

You will regret sending it. Basically by sending this you give her power and a huge ego trip.

 

 

 

There IS no relationship. And hasn't been in a long time.

 

If you send it, it's like you are trying to get her attention in the hopes she will call, even if it results in an argument. The relationship is over; she moved on; you should, too.

[rootless]

If you *truly* think it's better for your own peace of mind, self-esteem and integrity, send it-- but only if you're absolutely, unwaveringly, totally, 1000% certain that any negative response or backlash won't set you back in your healing process

 

And that's a VERY difficult thing to predict, or have any certainty about.

Like I said before, it seems like a high-risk / low-reward proposition.

 

Only send it if you're POSITIVE that you won't give a toss how *she* reacts. This is for YOU. Not her.

 

My gut feeling is that it's only going to reinforce what you already know-- that she's over it, and doesn't care.

 

If you're SURE you're prepared to handle the fallout, it's your call.

 

I agree that your silence and refusal to accept her back in your life sends a strong message all on it's own.

Refusal to get sucked back in to her craziness and just continuing your life with your head held up says A LOT.

More than you think, probably.

 

You're the only one who can truly perform an accurate cost/benefit analysis.

If holding a light up to her crap is worth the possibility of being hurt by her apathy, or worse, having to deal with yet more of her bullsh*t, then pull the trigger.

 

In my case, it did provide some peace and satisfaction that I had asserted myself and called her behavior wrong, but it didn't spurn any real change in her.

 

She didn't write or text me after that, but she continued finding sneaky ways to loiter around the periphery of my life, and I'm not going to lie-- it really irritated me. And sometimes, deeply upset me.

 

In some ways, I think the letter actually prompted her to hang on a little longer-- she has a pathological need to be liked, and she *rarely* gets criticized or held to account, and I think the fact that I won't participate in her crap and give her a free pass drives her nuts. I honestly believe I'm maybe one of two people in her little echo-chamber who ever had the balls to tell her she's full of sh*t.

 

Does that feel good?

 

A little.

 

She still hasn't changed, and I still have to inconvenience myself periodically to side-step some of her meaningless, passive attempts to look in on my life.

Which illustrates that my message -- "You fu**ed up; I want nothing to do with you" -- never hit really home.

 

Or maybe it did.

Maybe that's why she checks on me.

 

Who knows?

 

My point is, regardless, you're always going to have questions.

 

Until you stop caring what her answers are.

 

You have much, much more power in this situation than you might imagine: control over your own actions.

 

Either way you decide; YOU get to choose how you walk away.

You can do it wordlessly, or you can get it all of your chest.

 

But neither choice will give you satisfaction until you stop letting the outcomes effect you.

 

Either way, you "win" by not playing anymore.

Edited March 17, 2012 by rootless

[HollyBolly]

Wow, some fantastic advice all throughout by VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered and rootless. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate it. It's nice to read these logical thoughts when I'm the one who's struggling to be logical at the moment!

 

When she kicked me out of her life the first time and returned almost a year later, she said "I owe you millions of apologies". She said, "I'm not a good person. I'm crazy." After ALL of this, she told me she wanted me in her life, that she valued me in her life, and she wouldn't make the mistake of kicking me out again, that she 'loved' and 'cared' about me.

 

What do you make of this, VirileEntity, BewitchedandBothered, rootless? Is or was she absolutely confused? Or playing me on purpose?

 

My ex did the same thing except it was I who broke it off the first time. She begged and begged for one last chance, after I told her EXACTLY what I thought of her actions. 2 1/2 weeks later, she broke up with me. I couldn't understand it at first but I think I do now. People like that cannot take criticism with grace! She got me back and then brewed and brewed over what I said to her and then...BAM...lost it. At first I thought she begged me for the one last chance because she wanted to be the dumper i.e. play me, but it's actually more complicated than that. Yet, at the same time, it is simple: She was criticised and she couldn't take it. Did you at any point tell her what you felt about her actions when she came crawling back? If you did, then there's probably your answer.

[HollyBolly]

Healthy, secure people don't say stuff like "I'm not a good person".

They'll apologize, and they'll own up to their mistakes, but they don't make statements like that unless there's a kernel of truth there -- she may have some genuine self-esteem issues going on.

 

 

Spot on there! Listen to rootless, Broski. Do not send that letter. It will just end up hurting you more. I wrote my ex a letter, too, but I had no intention of sending it. Why? Because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she hurt me, or that I was still thinking about her. Better to let it go.

 

As for the letter, you wrote, keep it and go back to it once in a while. Change what you need to change on it. You'd be surprised how much your emotions have altered in those periods.