spiderowl Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) I've been feeling an attraction towards an older guy that I've sort of known for a long time. Well, I know him by sight as we go to the same venues and we've exchanged hellos but not much more. For years I've not been interested in him in that way and mentally 'filtered him out'. I expect it was clear to him that I wasn't interested. Now, I feel differently and don't know if he even notices me. He probably came to the conclusion ages ago that I wasn't into him. I've been more friendly recently, striking up the odd conversation, and he's been friendly back and a little bashful I think. He's asked me how I am, for example, and he's not normally the type to strike up a conversation. I think he's quite shy. I don't know if he's interested in me. If you were this guy, what would you think if someone seemed more friendly than in the past? Would you realise that person was showing attraction by making more of an effort with you? What would you make of it and what would you do? Last time after we'd spoken, I thought he looked a little bemused as he walked away. Edited March 17, 2012 by spiderowl
Jane2011 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I have a similar situation. There's this guy I see regularly because I work for his family, so I run into him at their house. I'm 100% certain he's attracted to me, but I've been on the fence toward him for forever. I acted indifferent to him most of the time, and he took the cue that I wasn't interested. But there came a time when, out of nowhere, I thought I might want him. I realized he was kinda cute. So I started talking to him more and allowing my body language to show interest. But I've realized of late that I'm not interested so I should stop running hot and cold. I think you're in the same sort of situation, but you actually do like your person. So basically, I think he would take the cue if you just start talking to him more, asking him questions, and making eye contact in a meaningful way. Also, look "happy" when you spot him. Those are the things I did when I thought I might like the guy (that I talked about above) and decided to turn on the interest. He looked kind of excited when I turned on the interest, not minding that I never showed interest before. But then I turned it off again because I'm bad and play with people's emotions! lol...(eh, not really; I just changed my mind again)
Jane2011 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 p.s. I doubt the guy would hold it against you that you weren't interested in the past. If you did him wrong in some way or were cruel, he might hold that against you. But you didn't do him wrong. You just didn't reciprocate interest. He'll prolly be happy that you're now showing interest.
Jane2011 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I also have gotten together with a guy (last summer) who I had previously not wanted (the previous winter). He didn't care that I had previously not wanted him. He was glad when I came around. I'd never done him any wrong, so there was nothing for him to be mad about or have reservations about...
Author spiderowl Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 Thanks for your thoughts. It seems a shame that you had mixed feelings about the guy and confused him. When you really like a guy, it will be more obvious to you so you won't even consider backing out. I'm wondering if this guy will ever twig that I may be interested in him. I'm shy myself and don't believe in taking the initiative except to show that I would be positive and welcoming towards him if he did. If you are a guy, how would you view this scenario and what would you do, if anything?
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Here's an anecdote from my life which might be topical. TBH, from long life experience, I'm now always suspicious when a lady I've known for a long time has what appears to be a 'change of heart'. Reading LS about how many women, women considered to be healthy, decide a man's attractiveness nearly immediately supports that suspicion. I now write it off to the phrase I coined during another such incident in my journals, a situational ego feed. I'm confident it felt real to her in the moment but the next moment it was gone; poof, and so was I. I just won't tolerate my sensibilities and emotions being toyed with in that fashion anymore. What could win me over? Consistency.
Jane2011 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Here's an anecdote from my life which might be topical. TBH, from long life experience, I'm now always suspicious when a lady I've known for a long time has what appears to be a 'change of heart'. Reading LS about how many women, women considered to be healthy, decide a man's attractiveness nearly immediately supports that suspicion. I now write it off to the phrase I coined during another such incident in my journals, a situational ego feed. I'm confident it felt real to her in the moment but the next moment it was gone; poof, and so was I. I just won't tolerate my sensibilities and emotions being toyed with in that fashion anymore. What could win me over? Consistency. Makes sense. I've had a genuine change of heart for a guy before, though. I did not like him for a while, and suddenly, miraculously, one day...I did. And I really did. It stuck. Sometimes it's just a fleeting fancy, though, and worthy of suspicion. You're right there.
Author spiderowl Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) Thanks Carhill, very useful. So in a way you are saying it might take a while? I don't think this is a fleeting fancy, by the way, unless I see a side of him I really don't like. It's rare for me to be attracted to a guy. I think this has been building for a while but I just haven't recognised it as such. He's quite a remote character generally - with everybody - and it only crossed my mind recently that he might be shy. Once I thought that it seems obvious and he has been smiling and pleasant when we've chatted. Oh, and there is a complication in that one of his close associates likes me and has asked me out a few times. I've always avoided that as I'm not attracted in that way. But, the guy I like will know that his friend likes me. Will this make a difference? Edited March 17, 2012 by spiderowl
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Depends on what 'close associate' means. Drink a beer together once in awhile or take a bullet for each other or ??
Author spiderowl Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 They talk to each other alone at the event but I don't think they are absolutely best friends. He would be aware of the other guy's interest and approaches though seeing as they were in the same room at the times. The guys there seem to be aware of who's seeing who and suchlike. It's a music event and happens once or twice a week. The same people tend to turn up most times and so they become friends, some closer than others.
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Example: ExW's best friend's H and I were cordial, hoisted a few and knew and cared about superficial things regarding each other but nothing deep nor involved, even though we knew each other over a decade. If his wife, whom did the situational ego feed thing with me over a few years, had a 'change of heart' now that they're divorcing, I'd date her if I wanted to and wouldn't really care what he or my exW thought or felt. OTOH, with my best friend, I wouldn't touch his wife with a ten foot pole even if he was dead a decade. It would seem like defiling our friendship and disrespecting their marriage, even though his death would've ended it. The same if he were single and 'liked' someone. Each man is an individual. Only way to know about the man in your story is to ask him.
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